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And ANOTHER Thing About a Brazilian Wax!
There is absolutely no predicting people. People who read DIY blogs, this one in particular, are as unpredictable as a cat in a butterfly conservatory. If someone were to run into any single one of you they'd probably think you were a perfectly respectable person at first glance. A stand up citizen who refills their gas tank before it gets below ¼ of a tank and who wears different underwear every single day.
But you're not. You're a bunch of teenage boys. A gaggle of pimply faced, adolescent teens, standing in front of the mirror looking at the 4 hairs on your upper lip which look exactly like the 4 hairs on the upper lip of your younger sister, only you've put a little mascara on yours to make them look more lush. Which will attract all kinds of praise while you hold your place in line for the next Star Wars movie.
A few weeks ago I ran out of things to talk about so I posed a vocabulary question to you in a well researched and articulated post where I talked about pee pees.
Here's a picture of a kitten for those of you who are getting uncomfortable.
A lot of you get my posts by email. Every time I publish a new post, it immediately pops into your inbox. I can judge how much interest a post has generated based on how many of you open that email and then how many of you click on it to read it further.
You, the mothers, the wives, the daughters, the fathers, the uncles and brothers clicked on the pee pee post more than almost any other post in a year. So even though you claim to be interested in the more highbrow topics I offer such as The Frozen Yogourt Tampon you actually just want to learn everything you can about wieners.
The post, in case you somehow missed it, was a linguistic experiment of sorts, requiring readers to state what terms they use to describe a certain male body part. Like all of my posts, it was done in a most grown up and tasteful way which was instantly recognizable by the fact that I only used the word gonorrhoea once.
I also had a record number of people opt out of receiving my informative emails after the pee pee post was published, which is GREAT because it means you and I can continue to be fun and laugh and build things and make fart jokes without worrying about any people with actual standards trying to stop us from educating ourselves on topics of global importance like why getting a full Brazilian wax means you'll never be able to muffle your toots.
It's a well known fact that Brazilian waxes (distinguishable from regular waxes by the Brazilian waxer's calling card, a crown made out of pubic hair ) involve removing all the bodily hair that runs between your chin and your toes. Front and back. Yes, that includes the anus. You probably didn't realize that those hairs serve, especially for ladies, a very important sanitary purpose.
When a lady expels gas from her bum hole, those anus hairs gather together and form a loving, hairy, sound muffling hug around what has the potential to be an embarrassing bodily noise. The hazy, wind blowing out of her bum at 7 mph can only be blamed on her husband, cat, dog or boss who happens to be standing beside her in the elevator if, and ONLY IF she can muffle the sound.
Once unceremoniously ripped up from the gas belching volcanus they've been guarding since adolescence, there's nothing left to do their job. Those hairs that have been stoically muting your lady wind chamber are forever released from their duties, or at least until new ones grow back. Without so much as a thank you or an excuse me.
While most people have a difficult time distinguishing where sounds come from; Is that my cell phone ringing or yours?, Is someone at the front door? Is that the television or are you talking to your mother again? humans have an uncanny ability to pinpoint exactly which bum a wind tornado escaped out of. I suspect it's some sort of primal instinct dating back to when cavemen first tried out the pull my finger joke on their wives.
I just thought it was important to let you know about the potentially embarrassing side effects of a Brazilian wax for anyone who was thinking of getting a Brazilian wax because you think *hair* is embarrassing. At least this way you'll be prepared for what's to come and might even be able to look into low cost solutions like little wearable anal wigs or something of the sort. Putting a shredded wheat down there might even do the job.
It is unfortunate that we lost a few of our ever growing members but we can all take solace in the fact that they are currently mortified in an elevator surrounded by a cloud of green gas with nobody to blame but themselves.
Have a good weekend!
p.s. that oughtta get rid of the last of them.
Sharron Wall
Glad they're gone. Now you can really let go.
Rose
If we lose our sense of humor, then all is lost. You go Canadian!
Maureen Locke
Oh Karen... this post needs to go viral, I'm going to share it on my FB wall. I was in tears, laughing so hard. Gotta love a girl who says fart. Keep on keeping on and know that I will never leave.
I get your email but sometimes I just read your post from my FB feed. So when I go to check my email, I don't click on the link to read your post because I've already read it from FB. You may not be getting a true accounting on who's interested in your posts then.
Karen
Thanks for sharing Maureen! :) ~ karen!
Laurie
You are Gold Karen! You should do a post on cute names we use for our "lady wind". My favourite has always been fluffernutter, as named by my Dad.
Elaine
I think you're on to something here, Laurie! My mother always called "that sound" - Mickey Mouse!
We all have to admit ... Karen is fearless and like another fan suggested, she'd be perfect on Ellen!
Janet
I met someone who said "Mallards" every time it happened - and she never held back.
Sandra
As somebody who has a name that means "Keeper of Ducks", I'm keeping this! "Oh, there's a duck - must have been a Mallard!"
Linda
Who stepped on a duck? Did you step on a duck??
Patti
We call it...stepping on a frog.
Danni
Surprised you didn't add the fact that if you get it waxed whistle clean, (haaaa ass whistle)
ahem, wait, where was I? Oh yeah, then you can move on to ANAL BLEACHING.... you know, for when you have those close ups you want to look whistle clean and... clean?
(ok now I'm gagging here....)
Mary W
LOVE the "whistle" clean reference, for those that whistle instead of toot!
Kate
From the bottom of my heart .... thank you for my morning laugh - what a great way to start the day!
Marilyn
Half a shreddded wheat....?As I'm eating shredded wheat.. way to go Karen.
Karen
hahahahahah! ~ karen!
Audrey S.
"Lady wind chamber" and "little wearable anal wings" dear god please don't ever stop! Pure blogging gold!! Good riddance to the penis prudes, such pussies. I'm forwarding this to all of my friends!
billy sharpstick
I'm curious. How much did the number of new subscribers outnumber the unsubs? You just raised the bar. Now you're committed to maintaining this new standard of content or all those perverts will leave again. People like that have short attention spans.
Leticia
The most entertaining thing about Brazilian waxes for me, being a Brazilian, is the name. And the cute designs, of course. I can understand removing all the hair, but making cute designs down there is extra painful. Ouch!
I don't subscribe by email, but i do read through RSS. The chicken stuff is fun because of the way you tell it. I live in a city many times bigger than NY and will never raise chickens but stories about chickens with names and personalities that do bizarre things amuse me.
Now that post about penis nicknames was tame. That was fun like a bunch of twelve year olds in a sleepover. Wait till they get to fifteen.
Karen
"Now that post about penis nicknames was tame." That's what I thought, lol. ~ karen!
Melissa
Humpf. Just, humpf. Who were those people and how have they lost their way?
Perplexed, confused and dismayed, but Good riddance to bad rubbish, I always say.
I'm here to stay dear, for garden news, chicken info, mouse musings, and public hair knowledge, and not necessarily in that order, or really whatever you choose to throw our way!
So keep on keeping on, dear girl!! I'll be waiting and listening! And really....screw those who can't take a good penis joke. Humpf!
Melissa
Spelling correction:
Pubic hair, not public hair. Though, that might be an interesting topic as well, like "Are toupees passe?" OR, "Long live the mullet!" Even, "Bangs: Really Girl? Bangs??"
....just sayin....you can use these, really, I won't mind.
Karen
Well I was talking about it publicly so .... either one works. ;) ~ karen!
Angela
KAREN NO MIDDLE NAME BERTELSON, I AM DISAPPOINTED IN YOU!
I though this was going to be the worldwide list of penis names, and you duped me with a post about butt hair! Damnit, woman! Save your hairy posts for another day and give us what we want: more adolescent giggling about penii! (My choice for the plural of 'penis'.)
Melissa
I'm with you sister!!!
Sonia Godbout
Drinking my morning coffee and chuckling - nothing is off limits. From amazing lawn furniture to farts - life is so interesting. You will tackle anything! ! Stay the course !
mia pratt
Well whoever opted out because of that fantastic post...wasn't the right kind of person for this blog anyway. We, the remaining fringe-of-society lingerers, are your true tribe. That, I suppose, makes us the Pee Pee tribe...?
Deborah
Maybe Pee Pee Posse?
Trish
On more than one occasion, I have left my husband alone at a party. To say, go to the bathroom. Upon my return, I have noticed that the room is now completely empty. What did you do? I'll say. I like to weed them out fast he says.
Rene
A lovely start to the day for me Karen-so entertaining
Susanne
HAHAHAAAHAAAA.....
Chavella Thomas
I'm all in. I just happen to be reading Rusty Bed Springs by I. P. Freely. :-)
Linda
... or I. P. Knightly
TucsonPatty
'p.s. that oughtta get rid of the last of them.' I was laughing through the whole post but at this I snorted and may or may not have farted while laughing - which is a dangerous thing to do at my age! That leads to peeing a little, and...it is downhill from there. What I would like to see now is a pie chart of which were the favorite/most common words for the pee pee.
Tina
Oh yes! I'd like to see that...or even a line chart. Heck, I'd probably even giggle at a list!
Yvonne
Use frosted shredded wheat and it not only muffles the farts but acts as an air freshener.
Tina
LOL
Laurence
Yvonne, what a brilliant idea!
Bev
I am in pain with laughing so much...?
Maureen Locke
OMG... brilliant... simply brilliant she says as her largeous body jiggles with laughter and coffee spills out of her cup. :) Might I suggest dampening the shredded wheat to cut down on the chaffing.
janpartist
still laughing at that