A Trip to the Urgent Care Centre!
A Dramatic Reenactment.

I interrupt the regularly scheduled post to bring you …

 

Location:  Late summer, small town Canada.

August 23rd., 2012
Gym
5:45 p.m.

The fella jumps down from climbing a rope while doing a Crossfit workout. Lands on his foot funny.  Not ha ha funny.  Left out of the fridge too long funny.

5:46 p.m.

The fella realizes he has broken his foot. Considers his options.  A) be an idiot   B)  don’t be an idiot

Decides to go with A) be an idiot and …

5:46 p.m. – 6:30 p.m.

…  finishes his workout. Which involves running sprints. With his feet.

Sometimes I think if I were to cut the top of the fella’s head off I’d have a nice salad bowl.

6:50 p.m. – 8:15 p.m.
Home
The fella returns home, has dinner, cleans up, has a shower, puts his pajamas on, lays on couch, mentions he’s pretty sure he broke his foot earlier today. Pass the remote.

Beams with pride as he says “But I still finished the workout”.

8:16 p.m.

We both look down at his foot and burst out laughing hysterically. It’s the size of a St. Bernard’s head and clearly broken. I think we were both laughing at his stupidity. At least I was. We agree, based on it’s irregular colour and comical inflation it probably warrants a visit to the Urgent Care Facility. Generally speaking, the harder we laugh at an injury, the more serious it probably is.

 

Foot Fracture 4

8:20 p.m.
Bathroom

The fella insists on washing his feet so they’re presentable before visiting the hospital. Grabs washcloth, bends over, touches foot.  If you live anywhere other than the  20,000 Leagues Under the Sea ride at Disney World,  you probably heard the screaming.  The fella then declares,

“F&@k it. Doctors see infected assholes.  Let’s go.” 

8:50 p.m.

Checked in.

Foot Fracture 5

8:51 p.m.

Encounter interesting mix of people in the ER including Roller Derbying lesbians, a runner whose shirt is covered in blood,  a possibly deranged older man and a middle aged woman with her teenage son.  She’s reading 50 Shades of Grey.  In the ER waiting room.  And grinning occasionally.

8:58 p.m.

Mention I’m really thirsty and the one we’ve dubbed Weird Girl offers to get me a drink.  From the water bottle in her purse which she says she’ll just  squirt in my mouth.  Weird Girl doesn’t seem to have an injury.

9:05 p.m.

X Ray time.

Foot Fracture 7

 

9:15 p.m.

X rays done.  Back to the waiting room.  A flurry of texts from the fella begin.

 

IPhonetexts

 

11:59 p.m.

Enter second waiting room.  More waiting but in a more official environment.  With tubes and vessels for throwing up in if need be.

12:30 p.m.

Diagnosis.  Fracture.  Wrap it up. Take him home.

 

Foot Fracture 9

Next day

8:30 a.m.

Found this on the kitchen floor and a pair of scissors nearby.

Salad bowl. Great, big, salad bowl.

 

 

this special post is dedicated to everyone who has a son, brother, husband, father afflicted with salad bowl head syndrome.

Together, we can find a cure.

No we can’t.


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115 Comments

  1. michelle says:

    please stop assuming all roller derby girls are lesbian. many, many are not. many of us are moms with kids who like boys, but like to skate…skate hard. thanks.

    • Karen says:

      Wow. Seems you’re sensitive to this issue. Um, out of curiosity … do you kiss the girls on your roller derby team? On the lips? In the emergency room? In a lingering way? ‘Cause that’s what these roller derbying lesbians were doing. Yeah. And by the way … did I say ALL roller derby girls were lesbians? And so what if they were? You seem to have an issue with lesbians which I do not approve of.

  2. Alisha says:

    Could always skip the salad bowl idea and keep it around to use as a floatation device in case of drowning …

  3. Laura says:

    My salad bowl was going into anaphylactic shock and on the way to the ER had to stop for a doppio macchiato.

  4. theresa says:

    You are a superior woman – not to grab him by the offending foot and twist- to demonstrate the depth of his testosterone overdose- while it may not help you might want to let him know that an improperly wrapped fracture can lead to blood clots which can lead to ….DEATH- i find my guy listens (sometimes) when i point this out. Good luck- we will start lighting candles know that you don’t end up with that salad bowl-

  5. Meghan says:

    I commiserate, my husband has salad bowl syndrome. I also REALLY enjoy that when i got to the end of the post there was an ad about osteoporosis Bahahahahahaha, that was just plain fabulousness. Love your blog! <3

  6. Pati N says:

    My salad bowl usually just drives himself to the ER and I don’t even bother going anymore. Maybe I should since the waiting room seems kind of interesting:) I am amazed his bandage lasted that long…but I hope he did put it back on?

  7. Gayla T says:

    OMG! Men are so stupid! Son-In-Law who I really do love had a computer malfunction, hit the key board so hard he broke his hand. And took the bandage off. Two of a kind obviously. One thing I’ve learned is not to mention how much my hang nail hurts. No sympathy at all. He says I’m a crack head granny because I take my prescription pain meds for Fibromyalgia. Then I laugh at his broken hand that has a meat ball hanging on the side of it. At least I didn’t do this to myself. Men! He should be a cop or a Marine or something. Why waste all that stupid?

  8. Tanya Stewart says:

    How is it possible that this same species can be seemingly ” so tough ” ( read….stupid ) yet require ” life-sustaining urgent care ” for a cold ???? seriously. NOTHING worse than a “man cold ” lol

    • trisha says:

      my mister is the BIGGEST baby when he gets a cold..sniffles and wimpers acts like its the end of the world (which would be in just a few months right?) but he has clocked himself in the head with a hammer – tells me he’s fine. smashed fingers – still fine. stick through his septum while racing his mountain bike – thats nothin.. a cold and he doesn’t get out of bed for days..

  9. carey says:

    yea, salad bowl head, alright. but now he’s going to have gimpy foot too. good luck dancing with mr. salad bowl gimpy foot!

  10. Delphine says:

    Several years ago my salad bowl head, had a sharp pain on the side. The pain got worse. Suggestion: I think we should go to the emergency room. Through gritted teeth ‘no, it’s just bad wind’. About 40 minutes later salad bowl is on his knees doubled up in agony. Eighteen year old daughter says ‘Dad get up. I’ll drive you to the hospital.’ ‘No’. A little later spasm returns, salad bowl is now laying on back on cold floor with knees scrunched up, trying anything that will alleviate pain. Suggestion: Hospital? ‘Yes.’ Daughter drives, salad bowl sits next to her and complains about her driving skills on the way to the hospital. Daughter is patient, although she does threaten to drop him off at the next corner. Hospital declares salad bowl’s gall bladder is about to explode. It will be removed.
    Had three blissful days without salad bowl while he was stuck in hospital.

  11. Heather says:

    Your fella’s salad bowl syndrome is quite entertaining. Thank you for documenting and sharing said syndrome. I agree he will now have a gimpy foot which could get a blood clot and lead to DEATH. Does fella have a valid reason for removing the wrappings? Did he put them back on? I also agree a “man cold” if timed correctly could cause world wide panic.

    • Brooke says:

      Whenever I hear talk about men and illness, I say, “If men had to bear children, none of us would be here. Adam and Eve would’ve been the end of the line…”

  12. Tricia Rose says:

    I humoured my (obviously very sick) husband and deftly got him out the house where we were guests by playing on his embarrassment. As we turned out of the drive he said “just take me home”, whereupon ever calm and gracious me said in crisp and even tones, “just shut the fuck up.” Doctor said he’d have been dead by morning – in some god-forsaken motel halfway between Seattle and San Francisco. On a polyester chenille bedspread.
    A salad bowl would be too good for him. Chamber pot maybe?

  13. Jan says:

    My salad bowl was packing to go on a trip to Mexico…until he took a hatchet to break a lock on his suitcase ( he no longer a key or combination). His finger was under the lock. He missed the lock. Nearly took off two fingers and still wanted to simply wrap gauze around ir “just until the bleeding stopped”.

    He didn’t go to Mexico. He spent days in bed in a Demoral haze, recovering from surgery.

    But this incident -or so he says- was still better than the time he had a bad cold, had coughed for days, and in a sleep-deprived and desperate state I accidentalky overdosed him with some cold medicine. He stopped coughing and i fell asleep.

    When i woke up, i discovered that he’d fallen asleep with his head in the dog’s water dish. For days, he grumped about how I nearly drowned him.

  14. Mary says:

    I can only assume that the fella must be really good in bed. 🙂

  15. Winegirl says:

    I can’t say much since I broke three bones GARDENING! However, if I had been able to take that crap off my leg when I finally got home, I would have. But they kept me tooooooo drugged up….
    😀
    Good luck to the Fella!

  16. Debbie B says:

    Listen to Theresa, I had a good friend, John G. Biesiada, who broke his ankle and decided to be macho, by the time he figured out that there was something strange happening, the night before he was to be airlifted out, he passed away from an pulmonary embolism caused by a blood clot from the break. Please take heed as it really can be serious.

  17. Ann says:

    We could start a pool to bet on how soon he tries to return to full workout mode!!

    My DH is actually not a salad bowl head type. He rarely injures himself, but when he does he follows the Dr’s orders to a T. Even when he does not actually remember the order right! And nothing I can say to him will sway him from what he believes the doc said. Nope, not even my 35 years of working in medicine can sway him.

    • Kinsey says:

      Yep, my husband is exactly like this. He is constantly all over me to drink more water, take my vitamins, and urges me to go to the doctor if I’m sneezing. I guess we can’t complain…(nah, we still can).

  18. Beckie says:

    well, how could he do Crossfit with his foot all stabilized like that?

    yes…it was sarcasm 😉

  19. Sherry (BTLover2) says:

    You need to write a book! Or start a blog about our salad bowl men. God you make me laugh!

    You have a very tough fella who is stupid. I have a not-so-tough fella whom I call Idiot. If he doesn’t hear the word “idiot” at least 10 times a day, then something is seriously wrong (with me). Anyway, my Idiot believes every ache or pain is a symptom of death. “I have a headache. Do you think it’s a tumor?” Or, “My pinky is twitching. Am I having a heart attack?” Usually my response is, “No, but if you don’t shut it, you better sleep with one eye open.” God they are imbeciles. Loved, imbeciles, but still.

  20. Cydney says:

    Today is my birthday and I woke up in sort of a crabby mood (still waiting for last years birthday present from various family members), but when I started to read your post I burst out laughing, prompting my husband to run down the stairs asking me what was wrong.
    I don’t think he thought the salad bowl thing was funny. I think he was thinking about all the times he has driven to the ER in the middle of the night with me or our daughter or my sister. You know, the bladder infection that you knew you had a one in the afternoon, but thought you could stave off with cranberry juice, only to realize at two am. (in a snowstorm) you couldn’t bear. So I guess it goes both ways.
    I will say that last year my daughter bought new skates, went to City Hall, fell and called me crying from the side of the rink. She decided to go have lunch – this is standard procedure (along with a couple beers) and went home. She made it through the night and woke up with a knee the size of a basket ball. Broken. Eight weeks with the cast thing. Months of physio. Skates hanging as decor.

  21. Tara says:

    My salad bowl hubby broke his foot in a similar spot – he had a big bump like that as well. Ignored it for too long and ended up having to have surgery (this week!), and now he’s laid up for the next 9 weeks. I’m trying hard not to be too resentful while he recovers…

  22. deb says:

    YUP Salad bowl heads…a SPECIAL kind of stupid!!!
    Wrap it up Fella, and I say this with love.

  23. Pate says:

    Elevate over his heart, now there’s a picture. And very cold compresses for the injury for fifteen minutes five times a day.
    Tecnically, no weight bearing for at least (4) four weeks. Uh, yep…weeks not seconds. NSAIDS but not on empty stomach. Then physical therapy for several weeks. He really needs to be careful or he will end up looking like Quasimodo dragging his foot down the aisles at Home Depot. Then everyone will look at him and shake their heads in sadness as they muse along the lines of ” Another macho Dodo bird”. And look what happened to them.

    :-). Pate

    PS. A friend of mine did the same thing 14 months ago as your guy, and he’s just had surgery to break the bone and re set the fracture and repair the tendon so the ankle heals properly this time . he will be off his feet for 6-8 weeks and then 8 weeks of therapy.

    He might want to find a “walking boot” which straps on good and tight and he can walk in it. CAREFULLY.

  24. marilyn says:

    so the salad bowl is now an md as well? kudos to him, maybe he can fix all the infected assholes of the world..snicker snicker.

  25. Nicole2 says:

    I remember a certain band-aid video…and a little booboo on his finger that seemed to cause him a lot of grief. And yet he’s walking around on a broken foot. I simply don’t get it. Definitely a man thing.

    He needs an old fashion plaster cast. The kind you can’t take off. Oh wait. Maybe not, I could just see him take a saw to it and a lot of blood gushing and another visit to the E.R.

  26. Laura says:

    Between the OP and then the comments I laughed so much my stomach muscles hurt. Thanks for starting my Monday off on such a happy note!

  27. Therese says:

    My dog had foot surgery yesterday, and took her bandages off overnight too. But she’s a dog . . .

  28. Liz says:

    Must have follow up post on the healing process with no bandages in place for fella. Love that he left all evidence on kitchen floor, much like a prize for you, from a canine friend… to say, see ma, what I can do:) 🙂 🙂 DOH!! Salad bowls do not rule.

  29. Diana says:

    Hi Karen, hi fella,

    I`m feeling with you…
    with both of you:o)
    Get well soon!

    If my man would get injured, he would lay down and sooo fast -you can`t even emagine- I would have a pasha or maybe even a baby!
    “Uuuhh, I´m doing so bad. Go and bring me tea or a 3 course menu” or something else.
    So enjoy your fella and his independence.LOL

    All the best
    Diana

  30. Tigersmom says:

    Well, thank God you’re finally back. And with drama to report, too.

    Our salad bowls. It has been years, probably close to a decade, since my salad bowl darkened the door of a doctors office.

    But when he has a cold, he feels I must suddenly become Florence Nightengale and devote my every moment, waking or not, to administering to him with extreme sympathy for his (heavy sigh) affliction.

    Why do they believe that we would ever find them behaving in a helpless manner attractive?

    And how dare we get the same cold he has, or any cold for that matter, because then how are we going to be able to take proper care of him?

    Hmmmphhhh.

    • Tigersmom says:

      Sorry, but I got so riled up at remembering how my salad bowl behaves when sick that I almost forgot…

      “and a middle aged woman with her teenage son. She’s reading 50 Shades of Grey. In the ER waiting room. And grinning occasionally.”

      Eeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

      The ER is a scary, creepy place.

  31. Brenda says:

    You always manage to crack me up, and on days when I think there will be no smiles to be found hanging about my face. My thanks to you (and the fella, of course).

    I took my mom rollerskating about a month ago when she was here for a visit. Her first time on skates in about 20 yrs. It was all coming back to her (she was the mom who could skate better than EVERYBODY else). But she forgot that you can’t skate on carpet and when we went to sit down and get a drink, she tried her damndest to skate on carpet. Her feet stayed put, she fell forward and threw her left arm out to break the fall, broke her wrist and then proceeded to roll and bounce from the carpet back onto the skating rink. We were both laughing too hysterically to do anything for a few minutes. I got her up, got her ice and tried to convince her that she should have it x-rayed. Nope — she was going camping that weekend and she wasn’t doing it in a cast. Needless to say, after the camping trip (she did leave it wrapped), she had it x-rayed — broken in two places.

    I don’t know about a salad bowl. Normally my mom is pretty smart. Maybe a nice candy dish?????

  32. Sarah In Illinois says:

    I may win with my salad bowl story!!

    My salad bowl passes out at the sight of blood but after his father cut the tip of his finger off (another salad bowl) MY salad bowl DROVE him to the ER but had to pull over part way down the road AND PASS OUT! Then his father drove HIMSELF to the ER with his passed out son in the passenger seat!

    • Lori says:

      HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! That is hilarious! My salad bowl passes out too! He cut his finger washing out a glass and passed out. He cut his thumb on a table saw and passed out…it’s not funny at the time, but MAN it is funny afterward. My salad bowl has given me enough fodder for 1,000 years!

      Love your story! That is awesome. 🙂

      • Sarah In Illinois says:

        Yes, At the time I was very upset about the idea that he drove when he KNEW that he had an issue with blood. But now that everyone is fine and the fingertip is sewn back on I can laugh and laugh!

  33. It’s amazing how men could break every bone in their body and still refuse to go to the doctor and yet when they get a common cold, they become prototypes for a test subject for Buckley’s and are convinced they’re dying.

  34. allie says:

    you crack me up!

  35. Lisa says:

    It’s possible that I myself have salad bowl syndrome, and that I inherited it from my father.

    I had blood clots, which I massaged out of my leg thinking it was a cramp, then walked around with this “funny pulled muscle” in my rib cage for 3 MONTHS which turned out to be a pulmonary embolism – actually multiples, in both lungs. Then when I shoveled the driveway (by hand), I ended up in the hospital for a week!

    And I was surprised! and so were the doctors…

  36. Elizabeth says:

    Karen…you are hi-larious, and I love you haha

  37. Brenda says:

    I cannot top any of these stories, thanks for the chuckles ladies. Hysterical and wishes for a speedy recovery for the fella…dang too bad it wasn’t January, bummer this time of year.

  38. You’re story was hilarious. Sad that it was true, and that he fractured his foot, but still hilarious. Usually my guy gets himself into the worst kind of trouble, so there’s no doubt about the hospital, but once due to protest I used my First Aid skills and cleaned him up and bandaged him…until the next day when he finally went to the doctors, and they sent him home with a home care nurse. Sponge baths aren’t always as good as in your dreams. All the best to you and your fella.

  39. Patti says:

    Oh man! I have soooo enjoyed reading all of these stories, just because it makes me feel not so alone.. it`s a scary thing, watching the guy you love NOT take care of himself – I want him to live a very, very long life, standing beside me as we get old. Note I said standing. So, when similar antics ensued after he drove two nails through his foot two weeks ago, I was beside myself.

    At least we`re in it together!

  40. Dawna Jones says:

    OMG poor you,why do they insist on being so insanely stupid! We don’t think they are tough, child bearing is tough and warrants you an award this warrants you a trip to the looney bin!LOL
    http://www.dawnajonesdesign.com/

  41. Cynna says:

    Brilliant. Just ask him what color wheelchair he’d like for his 60th birthday.

  42. Jake says:

    My “dick of the day” was @ work when something they were working on exploded sending fragments of metal in his eye. “I’ll be fine” says Dickhead, 3am in the morning, he wakes me up from a perfectly peaceful sleep to say lets go to the ER. Dickhead insists on driving, in a convertible car, top down. Dickhead must have a cigarette to calm his tattered nerves. Ash from cig. flies into the other eye. So now we have a big Dickhead trying to drive with two damaged eyes. Mr. “I’ll be fine” and I are still arguing when we parked on the grass at the ER. Me, I was so fed up I left him there with 25cents to phone when he was ready to come home, hoping it would be at least a month.

  43. Vanessa in Indiana says:

    I think I may be the one with salad bowl head syndrome in my household. I’m a farrier, and a clutz, so I’ve been known to break several fingers in the middle of a trim and still keep going (because the horse is finally standing still! we can’t waste that opportunity!), break three ribs and still go for the 8-hour trail ride (because it’s so nice out! and we can’t waste the weather!) or fracture my foot by letting a 1200-lb horse stand on it, and still hobble off to go trim 7 more. My partner just shakes his head at me now, and tells me he’s been out of sympathy for years. : )

  44. DonnaBoo says:

    My salad bowl walked around for 3 weeks with a broken leg. Granted, it was misdiagnosed at the Urgent Care Center, but he would not take my advice to go to MY Doctor (his is a quack). After coming home to find him on the floor in agony, I finally brought him to my guy. Cast for 8 weeks.

    Held up well, but when he gets a cold…gets mad if I give him too much attention (I’m not a baby, you’re not my mom kinda crap) and gets mad if I ignore him since he’s obviously dying.

  45. Amy says:

    My Salad Bowl father once cut his foot while out fishing.
    Option #1: Stop fishing & go to the emergency room
    Option #2: Keep fishing & fill the 2 inch hole in his foot with Super Glue and then wrap the whole thing up with duct tape.
    He ended up with a huge infection and couldnt walk on the foot for 3 weeks. But the fresh trout tasted incredible!

  46. Jenifer says:

    Now I’m sad…I thought they grow out of salad bowl head by a certain age. My 12 year old boy took a pair of scissors to his cast (on his broken arm). The doctor scared him straight by cutting off the old cast with a SAW before replacing it with a new one. Salad bowl head. *snort*

  47. Krikit says:

    Men: can’t live with ’em, can’t shoot ’em. ~;}

  48. Call Me Patty says:

    Heh, it doesn’t get any better. Been married for 42 yrs. and decided last year that I am going to donate his brain to science…..(if they can find it)

  49. jenni says:

    this is awesome! keep the laughs coming!

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