I guess you probably don’t know what it’s like to almost kill someone but I do. I mean, obviously, I do, I’m sure you assumed that about me the first time we met. I pretty much ooze lethal in the same way a hand grenade does. Or a Long Island Iced Tea.
Lemme tell you how it all happened. My sisters and I loaded into an SUV at 8 o’clock last Saturday morning to head to the Christie Antique Show and Sale where I assumed I probably wouldn’t be almost killing anyone. We do it every year, head out to Christie’s. Sometimes it’s both sisters, sometimes it’s one sister and Betty, sometimes it’s both sisters and Betty. Always it’s an exercise in patience, thirst, lust and hunger. So like sexy time, but way more fulfilling because half way through you get to eat French Fries.
Betty didn’t come this year because of the temperature. It hit around 37 degrees on Saturday which sounds cold if you’re American but for everyone else, it’s sounds like maybe I’m describing the oven temperature for baking cookies. 37 degrees celsius is around 98 degrees fahrenheit.
The show is always filled with hundreds of things you didn’t know you needed.
… came, she saw, she bought. She also sweated.
Luckily someone was offering free shade.
Thousands. These two iron urns were thousands and thousands of dollars.
Christie’s is the place to go for things you didn’t know you needed, know existed, or didn’t think you’d ever find.
Did I mention the heat? It was SO hot that both sisters and I were crawling along the ground in search of water when we came across this disgusting, filth riddled trash can. ALL three of us stared at it and exclaimed WATER!!!! No, we didn’t notice the filth, or the garbage or the fact that all the bottles were empty and smeared with ketchup. All we saw was glorious water.
It was a rare antiquing moisture mirage.
Around noon we decided it was time to break for lunch. That would be the famous French Fry break.
This is the moment I came close to taking my own sister’s life.
Standing in line to order our food, Pink Tool Belt asked me what I was getting. I said “Fries.”, paused a little, then repeated “Always Fries”. And that simple phrase was the weapon that almost killed Fish Pedicure. At the same moment I said “Always Fries”, she was taking a drink of water and laughed at the same time.
At that point a series of events ensued that would involve choking, laughing, a weird donkey sound, and a most unfortunate incident involving bodily fluid.
I should point out that the Christie Antique Show and Sale is quite a crowded event and the lines for the food trucks are the most congested area in the show. We’re all packed in there desperate for a quick meal so we can get back out into the trenches and find that thing we don’t need but have to have.
Just after my sister inhaled her water, but before the donkey sound, the man in line next to us, turned to look at what the commotion was at the exact moment she did a good old fashioned spit take. I can still see the entire event as it played out in slow motion. His hand raised up to shield himself, his eyes wide with fear, my other sister jumped aside covering her mouth, but neither one of them moving faster than Fish Pedicure’s spray of spit and water.
She spit taked a stranger. A real spit take. The kind you’d learn in an improv class. Or by studying a particularly bad episode of Saved by the Bell.
She continued choking, laughing, coughing and apologizing for the next several minutes as everyone around her looked for napkins to wipe off the spittle.
And THAT is how I discovered I could use humour as a weapon. And a cooling off device when timed perfectly.
This is the exact style of chandelier I’m searching for, for my house makeover. It’s am Empire chandelier. But I would prefer one that doesn’t measure 4 feet from top to bottom.
Yeah, I mightta tried it on and walked around telling people I wore it to the show while they stared at me through a sweat tears dripping off their eyebrows.
Oh I’m sorry, BACK UP. BACK THE HELL UP.
Recognize that bed?
How ’bout now?
Yup. Sold it off my front porch for $20 or $25. At the show for $95. I’m just glad it’s off my porch. But there’s something very strange about seeing something of yours, days after owning it for sale at an antique show.
Somebody bought this. They bought the massive mountie! I saw it in the big pick up area as we were leaving.
And that’s it.
Somewhere in the pictures from today’s post are the things I bought at the sale. Feel free to take a guess. I bought 4 things. Not including the french fries. Always french fries.