MERRY CHRISTMAS. IT’S TIME FOR ME TO CHAIN MYSELF TO A SLOTH.

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Welcome to the last post of 2016.  The curtain is down on The Art of Doing Stuff until the New Year, giving me my yearly week of relaxation.

And this year (as I do every year) I pledge to actually relax. To slow the hell down for one entire week.  Even if I have to chain myself to a sloth to do it.  omg I’d TOTALLY chain myself to a sloth.  I *love* sloths.  I wonder where I could get a sloth.  I think the most exotic thing my nearest pet store sells are the one eyed mice they sell to snake owners.

Before I leave you to your own few days of relaxation in the form of family fights, present returning and turkey burning, I will, as I do every year, give you some insight into what I plan to do with my relaxation time until I see you again in January.

Sit

Knit

Cook  You know as much as I love cooking I hate having to clean up after cooking so maybe I won’t cook.

Forage for food that can be eaten out of a can in the cupboard

Wonder why the only canned food I have is Sweetened Condensed Milk

Contemplate whether consuming can of Sweetened Condensed Milk constitutes eating or drinking. Decide  it’s both based on it’s more mainstream drink/food cousin, Boost. Have single handedly created new hipster rage drink. Make note to find bearded boyfriend whom I can Instagram Snapchat holding my drink invention whilst wearing plaid shirt.

Feel ill from “dinner”, strip naked and lie down on bathroom floor.

Notice dirt.

Ignore dirt.

Notice dirt again.  Curse dirt.

Wash bathroom floor which leads to kitchen floor which leads to mudroom floor which leads to outdoors.

Wave at neighbours looking curiously at my outfit which I now realize consists entirely of rubber gloves.

Wave more enthusiastically as a way to distract them from my nakedness.

Retreat indoors.

Still unwell.  Lay on the couch.  Do not MOVE from the couch.

Contemplate installing a refrigerator in the couch. No that’s stupid, I should just move the couch into the kitchen.

Bored on couch, move to computer.

Look up ways to relax

Find my own post on chaining self to sloth

Fall asleep on couch, wake up and repeat.

 

Have a great Christmas and Hanukah, each and every one of you.  I’ll be back in January with as many helpful hints, tips, trials and tribulations as I can possible muster up over this next week of recharging.

Even though we all know this is technically the season of hope and love, you and I are smart enough to know it’s also the season of anger and arguing.  There are only so many Christmases we all have in us so don’t waste this one getting worked into a fit for whatever stupid reason.

Sit.

Relax.

Chain yourself to a sloth.

See you in the New Year.

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94 Comments

  1. BamaCarol says:

    Merry Christmas Karen, from the Deep South in Alabama where Christmas Day will be in the 70’s temperature wise. I was hoping for cold and wet as an excuse to just nap after a big meal but guess I’ll have to get out and walk off the calories now. Ha!

  2. Liz says:

    My dad used to treat himself to condensed milk spread on toast, at Christmas oddly enough. He grew up in Peterborough so maybe it’s an Ontario thing 🙂 Merry Christmas Karen!

    • Jan in Waterdown says:

      Hi Liz, I *think* it might be a British thing. I’m an Ontarian and couldn’t swallow that if I tried but my late Welsh/English dad would have said yes please! But then he liked treacle too and Lyle’s Golden Syrup. Ahhh, good times!

  3. Deb from Maryland says:

    Thank you Karen for what you do – for all you do! I found your blog early this year and can’t wait to see what is in store for us in 2017. Merry Christmas and (force yourself) enjoy your week of sloth.

  4. Jan says:

    Have a very Merry and Happy Festivus! Thanks for all you do!

  5. Leeuna says:

    Karen, you are an absolute delight. I love your blog. I hope you have a wonderful relaxing holiday.

  6. Lynn says:

    Merry Christmas ?☃?Wishing one an all a Very Merry Holiday Season ??? an all the Best in the New Year.

  7. Theda says:

    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and all yours!!

  8. Gretchen Sexton says:

    Getting over my sinus infection…which MADE me s-l-o-w down –$@^$@^#!! So I’m in a mad scramble to complete everything in time. I am looking forward to a week of less! Please.
    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you Karen!

  9. Jan in Waterdown says:

    Thank you so much for giving us so much . . . of yourself!
    And a Merry Christmas to all from Waterdown, Ontario Canada.

  10. Benjamin says:

    Lucky Sloth…. I got into a dust-up with a salvation army bell ringer when I tried to drop unused coupons for discount groceries in the kettle, needless to say you can still hear a muffled ring of that bell every step he takes. Ungrateful for my charitable contributions, smh. I need a Christmas sloth to relax with also. Guess I’ll just shake out my Cher extensions and woah, glitter my way into the new year.

  11. Liz Douglas says:

    Have a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Thank you so much for all of the laughter and fun and information that you have given us.

  12. Wisconsin Gal says:

    Oh, I think I’d love a sloth too. Along with a miniature pony (he could live inside with me) a koala and a hedgehog. Relax, put on a few clothes for warmth and toast to family, friends and that fact that you are Canadian and the world loves Canadians.

  13. Birgit says:

    Merry Christmas Karen for you and your family! Enjoy, relax and fight well. Read you next year. Did I ever tell you, that besides Eddie Izzard you are the only person that makes me laugh so hard? Thank you for that. Take care.

  14. Terri J. says:

    Merry Christmas Karen. Hope you get to enjoy your almost time off. Really appreciate all the hard work you do on this site.

  15. Deb says:

    Merry Christmas, Karen! Can’t wait for more of your wit and wisdom in 2017!

  16. Sophie Duke says:

    Been reading for decades! (Okay maybe only for two years!) And I have enjoyed each and every post even if they were totally irrelevant to my life (like chickens – but I love your chickens and the narratives you develop around them)! Most posts you lift my spirits and make me laugh – so important as I suffer from a terribly rare autoimmune and rare illness. I am forever grateful to you. In my younger life, I WAS you, fiercely independent, incredibly competent, and a very quick learner. I’ll never forget in my early 30s, I decided to build a fence along my driveway which required working with wood and creating brick pillars. I managed to figure out how to do it relatively easily. But neighbours and their children walked by, stood and stared, and kept asking if I knew what I was doing. (Only in Alberta in the early 80s.) long winded way of saying thank you, I appreciate you, and I wish I could give you a gift for making me laugh! Merry Christmas Karen, and to your cats and other loved ones.

  17. Tres says:

    Best post ever

  18. MrsChris SA says:

    Wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas – enjoy your slothdom and looking forward to a new year filled with your delightful and insightful posts!!

  19. Connie says:

    Happy Christmas to you Karen ! Thanks for a wonderfully funny , informative year. I always enjoy receiving your posts:)
    I have a quick (sloth-like , a.k.a. easy!) recipe for you if you need to use up that lonely can of condensed milk:
    Almond cookies: Combine 1 can condensed milk with 2 cups dark choc chips, a 14 oz bag of unsweetened coconut and 1/2 cup of slivered almonds ( or peanuts if that’s all you’ve got ).
    Use a small ice cream scoop to drop mixture on a parchment lined cookie tray to make 1 1/2 ” sized cookies. Space about 1 ” apart. Bake @ 325 for 18 min or until just golden on the bottom and the tips of coconut.
    Enjoy your week of slothing , all 20 minutes of it 😉

  20. Maureen Locke says:

    Merry Christmas Karen and thank you for a wonderful year of laughs, projects, and oh hell, I’m too tired to think. I just consumed a HUGE plate of scrambled eggs and lobster on toast and I can’t form another thought… sorry. I need a nap.

  21. Lois Baron says:

    I just wanted to show you the black floors my brother put on a house he’s renovating for sale. He is a Real Designer, and much braver than I am about such things. If anyone is looking for a house in Catskill, NY, it’s about to go on the market 🙂

  22. Nancy says:

    I laughed out loud at the description of your neighbors spying you clad only in rubber gloves.
    I knew a woman who did her housework naked. One day, as she finished inside, she put on rubber boots to sweep off the front steps (being confident in the abundance of privacy afforded by the fact that she lived out in a mobile home out on the prairie in South Dakota) She managed to lock herself out, and had to crawl in through a window (and it was a small, mobile-home version of a window)…..just as she was mooning God’s creation, she heard a truck’s honk as it passed by.

  23. Kelli says:

    Find yourself a sloth. HA! Too late, I already is one! Er, kinda. 🙂

    Hope your Christmas was fab, and I wish you the bestest of new years! Now git to slothing!

  24. Flash says:

    next year throw the can of condensed milk in the slow cooker for 9 hours on low. let it cool then you’ll have yummy caramel to eat.. or to entice a sloth with.
    Happy New Year
    Flash and the gang

  25. Renee says:

    Thanks for teaching me all sorts of stuff! And I am sure there is a way to put some kind of boozyness in that condensed milk..just sayin…even better to sloth with…

  26. Heather says:

    Karen, enjoy your week “off”. No matter what you end up doing it’s always nice to not have a schedule. Wishing you the best for the end of the year.

  27. Laurie says:

    Hope you’re still chained to that sloth Karen! Just wanted to let you know, I made your bacon wraps for Christmas Eve and they were a hit! Sweetened condensed milk wins again!

  28. Miriam says:

    Merry Christmas etc Karen (sorry am a bit late getting here), hope it was a good one.
    Thanks for so many tips, laughs, recipes etc.
    Happy New Year too!

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