The only time most women give their lady parts a second thought is when those lady parts start acting up. This can happen in 1 of 3 ways and always results in a trip to 1 of 3 places. If they itch, burn or bleed you'll be heading to either the medicine cabinet, the drugstore or the doctor. If they do all three you'll first head to Google. It's spelled "gonorrhoea" by the way. And if you need to know how to spell that, you'll probably also need to know how to spell the words "subpoena" and "you asshole".
Other than those few occasions when our lady parts speak up, it's really as if they don't exist. I mean they're pretty useful when the time is right and babies rocket out of them like nobody's business, but for the most part our vagina's are our silent partners in life. We don't talk to them, they don't talk to us and the world goes around just fine.
Men are different.
Nicknames for Penis
If you've ever been pregnant or read a baby book you probably know that for the first 2 months or so in the womb, the fetus is really neither a girl nor a boy. After a few weeks the fetus develops something called "indifferent gonads", which will eventually become either ovaries or testicles, but for the time being, they're nothing. They're indifferent. They're completely and totally loosey goosey about what sex they are. They're just a few cells holding their place in line until they decide to either scream HEY WE'RE BALLS, or HEY WE'RE BABY MAKERS.
During the 2nd month of gestation ...that's when shit gets real. At around week 7 or 8 stuff starts happening. The Y chromosome, in an attempt to establish dominance, starts peeing testosterone all over the place and the "boy" is born.
It is my belief that this is also the exact moment all men name their penis.
So pregnant mothers be careful about everything you do when you're 8 weeks pregnant. Innocently whipping up a batch of Rice Krispie squares could result in your son referring to his penis as Marshmallow for the rest of his life.
Men admire, talk to, name, point out, play with, whip back and forth, dress up and even have lengthy, emotional discussions with their penises. From, like, day 1 basically. Oddly they don't seem to need privacy for any of it.
A man is happy for you to watch him scrunch, move, stretch or ricochet Marshmallow from one side of his pants to the other, because even though he knows he is the proud owner of his very own penis, YOU might not be aware of his good fortune. Think of it like a dog who loves to show you his toy. He has a toy, he's proud of his toy, and even if he's going to run away with that toy right away, he wants you to know he is the lucky, lucky owner of that toy.
Like I said, men are different.
And so are the many names for their penis. A few years ago on this very blog I referred to a man's penis as a "dink". I didn't think anything of it. That's what people round these parts refer to it as. A dink. I mean not everyone, all the time; urologists still haven't caught on for instance and only the hippest of them tell men they're going to insert this garden hose sized tube into their dink. Most of them still use official terminology, like ding dong.
In fact, it was through one of my readers that I learned her southern grandmother's term for it, "that ole' purple thang". Which gives new meaning to the term colourful description.
I guess you know where this is heading don't you. I've done it once before, and I'm doing it once again. Asking you for the terms you and your family use for "penis". Dink? That ole' purple thang? Weiner? What is it?
Let the world's most entertaining comment section commence ...
p.s. don't forget to come *back* to this post later today to read the results!
Noelle
My sister, (who doesn't use the internet, so I'm safe here) , called her sons penises their "dingle dangles" but she refers to her own bits as her hoohaw sooooo.....
Jenny
Hoo-ha is pretty common for vagina, I think. I had to have an uncomfortable conversation with a coworker who referred to her three daughters as "those hoo-ha's" like "oh those hoo-ha's were just total pains this week." I was like, soooooooo, just FYI....you are calling your three daughters a very common slang word for vagina. She wouldn't believe me until several other coworkers chimed in, then she was annoyed that no one told her sooner. ^_^
My husband and I were just talking about this topic last night--we're expecting a boy in the Spring and we'll have to decide if we want to be medical or euphemistic. :) It mostly depends on the situation and context. For example, a snowman in our neighborhood was definitely described as having a stick dick whereas if I have to refer to our 3-yr-old nephew, it's "his business" as in "Our nephew had his hands all up in his business."
Despite being in medicine my husband uses a variety of terms including knacker, weiner, schnacker, dick, nutsack, etc.
Rene Walkin
In England it's almost universally termed a "willy" Silly, really...............fun subject for a blog!
Catherine
Todger or winkle.....
Spike
When my son was little he called it his "winkie ". Our daughter was jealous so she named her girl parts her "winkle".
Sherry in Alaska
Too funny! Sooo... I asked Google. What any reasonable person would do. Right? Well the listings of multiple names are staggering. So I just grabbed one and here's the address for what claims to be the longest (Hmmmmm) ((Several others also claim this. Sound familiar?)): https://web.stanford.edu/~eckert/PDF/PenisTesticlesSlang.pdf
And I don't believe I'm really the only woman ever to name my lady parts. I just don't believe it! Fibbers! I named mine Milli (for the restaurant at the end of the universe - Milliways). Desirable and very farout...... Come on ladies, stop fibbing. Woman Up!
Karen
Nope, lol. I've literally never heard of a woman doing that. You could be a trailblazer Sherry. ~ karen!
Karin in NC
Me neither. We often call them things like "the girls" (for breasts) and "hoohaw" or "lady bits" for vagina, but I have never known a woman or girl who actually named them. Unlike men - all of whom I've ever known have named their penis.
My mother was a nurse, so we went with the "real" names - penis and vagina. Some of the older ladies in the family were shocked when they would hear a four year old refer to her vagina!
nancy
Me too, I'm a nurse and my kids are still mad they never got pee pee kinda names for their bits. Although my son adores "expelling flatus".
Grammy
No, you are not. Mine is Natasha. Haven't called her that (or anything else) for at least 35 years, but the first few years my husband and I were married they were Boris and Natasha. Don't know why, seemed like a good idea at the time.
Jennifer Lee
I love Rocky and Bullwinkle. and the names are appropriate when you remember that their complete names were Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale!
Grammy
That has to be it! I'd forgotten all about Rocky and Bullwinkle, but the Boris and Natasha have to have come from that. Now it's going to drive me nuts trying to remember WHY.
Jennifer Lee
There was a live-action movie about Boris and Natasha. It came out in 1992, was on Showtime as well, and did poorly. Any help?
Grammy
Nope. We were married in the '70s. I really can't remember why we came up with those silly names, because it was a second marriage for both of us and our kids were way past cartoon age when we got together. Probably just some little inside joke we had that fell by the wayside long ago -- but we're still happily making up stupid jokes together, so there's that.
Jennifer Lee
Well, did you ask him? You guys are probably my age. I watched Rocky and Bullwinkle a lot, as a kid. Any way, as I mentioned, his name is basically "Boris Bad-enuff", and she's Natasha Fatale (femme fatale, eh?) That's reason enuff for me!
Grammy
He doesn't remember, either. Only that we used the names and laughed. Rocky and Bullwinkle didn't exist until we were adults.
Joan
My husband named mine - I'm Mable, his is George. When we see the name Mable in public, we both crack up.
Magz
I didn't name mine myself, but she did become Jane when my husband called his Tarzan!
Kristi Smith
Weiner and dick are the most common terms in my family, used by/referring to adults. My nephew calls his "my pickle" which was very confusing at a smorgasbord once.
Jennifer
I'm a nurse and my mom was a nurse, so it's called a penis. My husband has no medical background so he calls it Mr Happy. Now that I type that out it sounds pretty silly.
I hope you know you've brought the gift of laughter until the tears roll to hundreds of people this evening!
Samantha
I had a boyfriend who proudly made an entrance introducing his parts with the description "3 inches of pink steel".
TucsonPatty
I keep trying to decide if he was proud of 3 inches? If it was steel and only 3 inches at that point, poor you. Oops, did I just say that out loud? Funny .
Stacey
I grew up with high school boys referring inappropriately to their dink. Ontario thing?
Just wondering though, how many husbands, other than my own like to do the twist naked after getting out of the shower? What is with that?
denise HOSNER
Haaaaaa
Tami
That's what call hubbys thing-a-ma-jig.
Robin
My EX-husband (important distinction) named his Shamu, in reference to the famous and very large killer whale at SeaWorld years ago. He had quite a high opinion of himself...and inaccurate, I might add...
Tami
How about weinerschnitzel! That's hat I call my hubby.
Karen
hahahahah. Oh ... poor guy. ~ karen!
Deborah
Girls parts are tweeters and boy parts are woofers.
Anonymous
Before becoming intimate in our relationship, my SO referred to his as "Little Sir." I asked him about the name and he said once he was old enough to be called Sir, he thought "Little Sir" was appropriate. I never thought to ask what he called it before that. Once I got to know them both I said I felt that was rather too formal so he changed its..... excuse me, "his" name to the "Little Guy."
Funny, I was just thinking about this the other day and had the same thoughts as you... it's strange but ALL men do this and NO women name our body parts or treat any part of our body the way men do their penis.
Since the "Big Guy" has an online presence I'm going to post this as anonymous. *smile*
Teri
My mother (Manitoba) used "dink". Maybe a Canadian thing? Referring to, ahem, shrinkage, during our cold winters? Dinky toy?
My ex called it the one eyed trouser snake. When my son was little I called it his pee pee.
Now I just call it, and frequently it's owner, a dick.
I love me some edifying reading before bed. You never disappoint.
pat
Dink seems to be common in Canada. I've lived in Saskatchewan, Alberta and B.C. and heard dink. Calling someone a dick head and pecker head aren't unusual either.
In order to keep my cousin (when he was a toddler obviously) away from my Grandpa's pond, my Aunt used to tell him the resident turtles will bite his penis. "Don't go down to the pond or the turtles will get your Flink." Flink? Never heard that one anywhere else.
dana
You are hilarious, Karen! Hubby calls it his penis. I call it a peen. Even the most lovely of all of them looks like a carrot and two potatoes that should have been thrown out 6 months ago. Thats my opinion, of course. ?
Nicky CCD
I have come across a few names through the years. One was "Wally", and an Italian would call his "Batista". For the French people the common slang name is "La Graine" or even "La Queue"
Sue
Another one from the US South. "Fishing worm" is what we used to call a child's penis.
Dana
Bits, as in, don't forget to wash your stinky bits. It's really an all-encompassing term.
Nancy
We sometimes refer to it as the ugly mushroom -- that's what my neighbor's kid declared the wind-up penis to be that she found in my apartment (long story).
Cheryl
That's the funniest thing I've ever seen.
Karen
They don't normally have feet do they? ~ karen!
Nancy
No, not usually!
Pamela Pruitt
Or diagonal cut marks?
Cynthia Jones
"donger" in Australia (affectionate)
"ol' fella" (blue collars workers)
"dick" (considered crude).
"Schlong" ( large one).
"cheerio" = cocktail sausage (small red one)
"blue vein steak" (my ex husband's term)
Now I feel sick.
In jovial moments, my husband says "Big Thomas and the Twins". (he's a darling but deluded).
"lipstick" for the canine variety. Eg: "Ay, he's got his lipstick out" in a drawl.
I have never, ever heard of a "dink". Cute.