This is going to be a short post today because I’m working on a special project. Also I can’t be bothered to write.
That happens sometimes and I normally push through it in true Crossfit style. I did Crossfit twice, so I’m pretty much an expert and if you have any questions you can forward them to me.
But I just don’t feel like the struggle today. ‘Cause if I don’t feel like writing what eventually happens is I sit at the computer type out 3 lines, erase then, type out 3 lines, erase them, type out 3 lines, erase them. This goes on for 10 hours or so before I realize I’m starting to atrophy and may have soiled myself.
So. Don’t wanna deal with that today.
Last week I held a contest giving away 10, count em TEN copies of Jeff Crump & Bettina Schormann’s Earth to Table cookbook.
We (the fella and I) have selected the winners.
I based my winners on a random winner selecting tool I have on my computer. The fella selected his winners based on a series of discriminations like whether you use your child’s photo as your profile picture, if you have a name he doesn’t like or whether or not he thinks HBO could revolve a series around you. Information he gleans by looking at your one single comment and name.
If you don’t see your name among the winners, keep reading to the end of the post. Because there *will* be consolation prizes!
Here are my completely randomly selected winners. It took me 30 seconds. They are …
What follows is a partial transcript of the fella picking his 2 winners. It took him an hour and a half.
814 comments??! Assholes.
O.K. gimme a second here to scan whether my Crossfit friends John or Russell entered.
Me: You’re going to pick based on if they’re you’re friend?
Fella: Why else would I agree to do this?
Me: Well, I figured you liked doing it.
Fella: I do. ‘Cause I can pick my friends. I never said my picks were gonna be random. That’s your deal.
Me: I don’t think they entered so just start reading the comments and picking.
It doesn’t say where they’re from. I wanna go by distance and perhaps by funny accent. Heather T.? Where is she from?
Kay, Sharon Hart? She’s out ’cause she didn’t capitalize the letters in her name. OUT. You deserve a capital Sharon, because it’s the English language and that’s what you do with a name. Oh SHIT!!! She’s talking about me. She says I’d love to be picked by the fella. (fella laughing hysterically now)
OH boyyyy. O.K. I’m gonna have to scan the comments first. She uses an emoticon too. I don’t like those. O.K. for the next time use capitals and no emoticons Sharon.
And no website. If they have a website they can contact a publishing company and hold their own raffle.
(many names go by that the fella just doesn’t believe are real names so they’re dismissed)
(Fella referring to comment “I’d love one”.) Well no shit. You entered the contest.
I like it when they have pictures.
Me: I taught them to do that. It’s a Gravatar picture.
Fella: You taught them to do that??
Me: Yes, but ..
Fella: Nevermind. They listened to you. That’s good. I like it when they have pictures and they listened to you.
RUUUUUUUUUUUUSSELL! I FOUND RUSSELL! You said he didn’t comment!
Me: I didn’t think he did. Honestly.
RUUUUUUUUUUUSSEL! O.K. Russell wins because he’s my friend and he does Crossfit and he’s training for the Around the Bay Road Race too.
Me: You can’t pick Russell.
Fella: Can too.
Me: Keep picking.
Fella: O.K. but we’re down to one winner so the stakes are pretty high now.
Centi! I like Centi. I’m excited about her being from Germany.
This one has a nice poem but she talks about drinking. Not everybody drinks. I don’t drink. She’s out. I enjoyed her poem though.
Jen in BC. Sorry Jen, you’re not far enough. Hmmm. Hmmm.
Oh! This one says the fella has kickass abs. But she uses an emoticon. I don’t like those.
Me: You mentioned that.
Hmm. Kiwi Kat. Put her down. She’s obviously from New Zealand. That’s far away.
Moe. I like Moe. Put her down. She doesn’t have a website, she has a picture, and has a nice little story. I like Moe.
WAIT!!! HOLD EVERYTHING. This one’s from Madagascar! Plus she says we can visit. I don’t really like strangers but … add her to the list.
Hold everything! Kathryn. She’s from far away, has a picture, doesn’t have a website and talks about me. Put her down. She’s on the list. Wait. NOOOOooooooo. She didn’t capitalize her name! Nooooooooo. She can’t win. Nooooo.
Me: Um. Well that’s a rule you just sort of randomly made up. You can change it if you like Kathryn.
Fella: Who am I if I don’t abide by my own rules? Nothing. I am nothing. No.
mutter mutter mutter mutter mutter
Fella: I’m sick of this. Chippy! This woman has Chippy as her Gravatar!
(raspberry sound with a hint of foul language underneath it)
I’m sick of this. I don’t care if any of these people get a cookbook now.
Lorraine. She’s from Tasmania. That’s good. Put her down.
Why do all these people want a cookbook?
O.K. I’m getting hot and sweating. This is mindnumbing and I have to go to bed.
814 comments?! Seriously. Assholes. Alright. I’m done. I choose …
Wednesday, 23 January, 2013 at 8:14 | Edit
I’d really like a copy please Karen!
And, just in case the forces of fate & general randomness aren’t with me, I have studied the form in detail and would like to mention that: I don’t have pictures of my children anywhere on the internet, let alone as my avatar; I live far, far away in Leicester UK; I love pickles – but have never eaten dill pickle potato chips; I don’t own your local bakery; the fella happens to be an awesome, hot stud; and my favourite pie is awesome, hot stud pie. Just saying. In case it’s of significance to anyone. Ahem.
Wednesday, 23 January, 2013 at 6:31 | Edit
I want one!!! And… you wouldn’t have to ship it – I can pick it up!!
Congratulations to all 10 winners! Send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org with your full name and address to claim your prize!
As a consolation IF the fella mentioned your name in the diatribe above, he has a special small gift for all of you. What is is will be announced on Friday, but in the meantime we’ll also need your full names and addresses! He must mention you by name, not just reference your comment.
This is the end of my short post. Cough.