Yeah, I thought that would get your attention. It sure got mine.
Last week when I told the story about my sister accidentally lining her lips with black eyeliner in the middle of a grocery store, a reader commented with something along the lines of "I see your lip liner story and raise you a Brushing my teeth with Vagisil".
And yes, I'm pretty sure there's only one kind of Vagisil.
We've all done it. Something stupid/embarrassing and (many years or beers later), hilarious. In fact one of the most read posts on my website is all about a a girl, a first date and a fart.
As soon as I read NinaMargoJune's comment about the Vagisil I immediately thought of the time I decided to try to multitask by brushing my teeth while I was sitting on the toilet. I sat, I peed, I brushed and by force of habit when the time came that I needed to spit my toothpaste out, I did that too. All over the bathroom floor.
I'm pretty conditioned to think there's a sink under my face when I'm brushing my teeth.
And then last summer, in another episode of trying to save time I decided if I just jigged my leaf blower a certain way I'd be able to eliminate one of the leaf blowing steps. My leaf blower is also a leaf sucker that has a bag attached that all the shredded leaves go into. Every 10 minutes or so I have to pull off the big, heavy bag, and empty it into a paper yard bag. It's a bit of a pain. I'm very, very smart, so I figured I could just eliminate that attached bag altogether and just keep a yard bag under the leaf blower so all the shredded leaves would fall right into that. Here's a picture so you have a better idea of what I'm talking about ...
See how I got rid of the bag that attaches to the leaf blower and threw it aside so I could implement my better idea of holding the blower directly over a paper yard bag? See how happy I am? How smoothly it all went? That was in my imagination. How I pictured it would go. This is how it actually went ...
There I was standing out on the sidewalk on a Saturday afternoon, when WHOOMP. I forgot that the very, very, rapidly, fast moving air that sucks the leaves up into the leaf sucker, blows them out with the same force. Air came flying out of the bottom of the leaf blower, hit the leaves that were already in the paper yard bag and sent them flying into the air all around me like an atomic bomb. And it happened in an instant.
I had leaves in my bra. In my ears. In my mouth.
You want to know what my first thought was the SECOND this happened? OMG I hope everyone saw that. It was too funny not to be shared. It was like something out of a cartoon. So I looked around, up and down the street and not a single person saw. This wasn't like when you half trip while walking down the street alone and hope no one saw. THIS was something people needed to see!
Nobody saw. A moment of accidental comedic genius wasted.
It was awful.
It could have been embarrassing this moment, but it was just so ridiculous, so perfect, SO hilarious ... it wasn't.
That time I was on a cruise and upon meeting the ship's Captain at dinner and blurted out "How do you do?" like I was a debutante. THAT was embarrassing. Or the time in highschool when a boy I had a crush on said hi and I said "Greetings" back. GREETINGS? Evidently I am bound and determined to make a really weird first impression at all times.
So. Now it's your turn. I'm sure you all have much better examples of stupidity than I do. Because as I established near the beginning of this post I am smart, smart, smart.
(One second I was the coolest girl on the street, the next I looked like I was about to slowly rise out of the bushes in the jungles of Vietnam.)
Have a good weekend!
p.s. If you read my 10 Seed Starting Tips post on Wednesday and the link to my half price ($15) seed starting video was broken, I've fixed it so here you go ... I personally email out the course information packet so if you don't get it immediately it's only because I was asleep when your order came in. It's coming. I promise.
Meredith
My boyfriend in my 20s used to pretend to draw all over my face with a sharpie marker.....he'd make a mustache or curly cues all over of write sweet nothings all around my face, but it was just pretend and sweet and cute. Until one day he actually did it with the cap off. And I didn't realize it. And we went to run some errands and get something to eat and FINALLY I saw my reflection in a window and stopped and realized I had giant black whiskers and the outline of a crow on my forehead. Thus explaining the strange looks I had been receiving from others for the last several hours. I don't know how he kept it together all that time without giving it away.
Mary W
Too funny!
Kat - the other 1
Why are there boots sticking out the bottom of your compost pile? --- Boots? *discreetly uses foot to push boots further under compost pile* I don't see any boots. --- Haven't seen your boyfriend around lately. I think the last time was when he drew all over your face. Where's he been? --- Oh... we broke up. *compost pile wiggles* * kicks it* No idea where he is now... 😉😆
Karin
OMG! These are all so funny!! So hard not to laugh out loud while at work!
When my kids were young the ex and I decided to take them to Disneyworld by car - about a 10 hour drive. Our regular cars didn't have TVs in them (that was pretty new at the time) so we rented a mini van to make the trip. So we have our directions (this was also pre-GPS days) but we still manage to get to a point where we aren't sure whether to go left or right. The ex and I make a bet (he says left, I say right), then we stop at a gas station to get directions. I go in (of course) and ask and the very nice man makes me a little map. Turns out I AM RIGHT! I'm ecstatic!! So I go back to where the silver mini van was, which I can see out of the corner of my eye as I'm looking at the map. I march up to the van, rip the side back door open, and yell at the top of my voice "YOU CAN PAY ME NOW OR YOU CAN PAY ME LATER, SUCKER! And that's when I realized it was the wrong silver mini van. The looks on the faces of the woman in the front and the two little kids in the back! OMG. They were scared to death. The woman said to me in a tiny little voice "my husband is just inside - he'll be right back." I very nicely said "oh...sorry...wrong van" and shut the door quietly. I turned around and there across the parking lot I see another silver mini van, in which sat the ex and my two girls, laughing their asses off. Years later one of the girls had to write a "humorous" story for school and she wrote about that. It got an "A". I will never live down that story. I wonder if those people in the van ever recovered...
Devon
This one is causing laughter tears. So funny, thanks for sharing! Those poor people!
Angie S
That's great! It reminds me of how I frequently try to enter all of the silver Prius's in the parking lot before getting into my own.... have you ever notice just how many of them are silver?
Grammy
Yes. My second Prius was white for just that reason.
Andrea
omg. I wasn't laughing so much, until I read yours. Now I'm tearing up. "pay me now or later sucker", I'm so using that on my family.
Katie
These stories are priceless!
I have 2 to share. The first is a story of my own stupidity and the second was just embarrassing.
A few years back I was taking my son to a doctor's appointment. I grabbed my ticket from the little machine at the parking garage and continued to enter the garage. Then I heard a huge scraping sound and a crash. At first, I thought, "There's nothing around! What did I hit!?" Then it occurred to me. My husband and I had taken the kids for a bike ride over the weekend and the bikes were still mounted to on the roof of the car... Well... At least they had been, but the parking garage nicely took them, the bike rack, and the roof rails down for me.
Even more years back I used to travel all over the US teaching structural engineers how to use engineering software. For those who don't know, any beam, column, etc. is called structural member. Here I was a mid-twenties young woman standing at the front of a room full of middle-aged men teaching them how to modify the properties of a beam, and it wasn't working and I say to the computer, so everyone can hear, "Why won't you let me play with my member?!"
Dagmar
Priceless
Danee
Ha! You reminded me of something similar that happened to me, my ex and his family owned an CNC machine tool company and I worked there as the receptionist/coffee maker/whatever and often I had to call and order parts. One day I asked a fella over the phone, do you have 2 balls? (ball bearings!!!! I forgot to say ball Bearings) and he said, "yes mam I do happen to have 2 balls."
Mary W
LOL
Kelly
My husband has a habit I hate, but it resulted in a story that I'm adding to a collection to be shared at his funeral.
He stirs his coffee with whatever stray utensil is lying around, often the handle of the knife we're using to butter toast so I routinely pick it up and it's wet and sticky. Hate this. He'll also use the business end of something if it doesn't look too dirty.
So one morning he's on his commute and drinking his coffee and it doesn't taste right. He screws the lid off the Contigo and notices some floaties in his half empty cup. He stirred his coffee with the same knife he used to feed the cats canned food.
I was helpless with laughter when he told me over dinner.
Karen
I LOVE THAT!! ~ k!
Sara
My ex-husband ate the rest of the canned dog food that I left on a plate in the refrigerator. He liked it. I never told him.
Karen
LOLOL! ~ karen
Becky
My roof has two levels. .one is flatter, and one is not.
Years ago I propped my ladder on the flat part, to shimmy up to the peak, which is pretty steep. It worked well, and I fixed it myself. But, I forgot that I nailed a board to the roof to hold the base of my ladder.
So years later, I propped my ladder on the roof...no board...and proceeded to climb to the peak. I had done it before so was pretty cocky as I was climbing. My poor husband, who is terrified of heights was on the ground watching.
I was almost there, when the ladder let go and I slid all the way down the not so flat part.
I really thought I was gonna die, by flying all the way off the roof so I was trying to stop my descent by any means possible......which is nothing. The forearms of the shirt I was wearing was ripped to shreds, and insides of my wrists still bear scars from dragging them 12 feet down the shingles.
Luckily, when the ladder got to the flatter part it stopped, and I did not fall to my death.
I looked down to see my poor white faced husband, getting ready to try to catch me, or aka, getting squished by his father assed dare devil wife.
It took 15 minutes to stop the adrenaline shakes, and to be able to climb the rest of the way down.
I then called my cousin, who IS a roofer by trade to come and fix it.
Becky
*fat assed... not father. Thanks auto-correct.
BethH
My mother, newly married sister and I, 12 years old at the time, were waiting in line at a crowded fast food restaurant to order a large take-out meal for the family. We had decided what to order, but had not mentioned ordering drinks. My sister began quietly talking to our mom about having "pain down there during intercourse" and as we approached the counter to place our order, I blurted out, "Aren't we going to order any intercourse?" The cashier blinked, my mom's mouth fell open, my sister was mortified and I wanted to crawl under the counter.
Karen
I just read this one, missed it the first time around, lololol. ~ k!
Jenifer
I haven't laughed this hard in quite a while!! I can totally relate to so many of these stories. :) I have often misspoke or offered up (unintentional) comedic skits. This is one of my favorites that happened many years ago.
I was in Hawaii for work with 2 colleagues who I knew but not well. Margo was a 50-something gray-haired, tattooed woman who favored muumuus and Birkenstocks. Gary was an ultra-conservative, ultra-religious man who sported Rolexes and Burberry.
Our first night there, we decided on an Italian restaurant for dinner. Margo and I get a glass of Chianti and she orders an appetizer. When the calamari comes, she asks me if I like it.
“It’s OK but I don’t really care for the testicles.”
“I think you mean tentacles.”
Ummm, yeah.
I didn’t dare look at Gary and Margo is now one of my dearest friends.
Linda Poland
I used to wear contacts and in the evening, my eyes would often get dry, itchy and sometime blurry so I'd add eye-drops to help. One night, after a couple of glasses of vino, I reached for the eye-drops, gave each eye a few drips and then realized it was actually sewing machine oil! The containers were very similar! Luckily, no eye damage.
Lynda
My husband and I were fishing in kayaks. I was pretty excited when I hooked a big one! I started reeling it in and when I got it to the side of the boat, the fish started to thrash around. I screamed like a little girl, turned away from it, which pulled it into the kayak and onto my lap. Between me kicking and screaming, the fish thrashing around, and my husband's tears of laughter, it was pretty hard for him to get it off the hook.
But I have a story about him too! Again we were fishing at the cottage, this time in a canoe with the trolling motor on the back. I was at the front, hubby at the back. Well, he was leaning over, and for some reason felt the canoe was tipping but instead of righting himself, much to my amazement, he leapt out of the canoe into the lake. This left me sitting in a running boat heading towards the rocks while my now soaking wet and bewildered husband stood there chest deep in the water, hat and glasses on with binoculars around his neck, looking like an idiot. That visual of him standing there played over and over in my mind for days to come and I'd break into fits of laughter. When I asked why he did it, he said, "I guess I over-reacted".
Nancy T.
My husband used to occasionally work the overnight shift and would stop on the way home to bring us Egg McMuffins for breakfast. One morning he came home laughing. He had gone to the drive-thru, ordered and paid, then drove away without picking up the food! He was too embarrassed to go back for the food, and we thought this was hysterical. I couldn't wait to share this story with our daughter who got a strange look on her face. She had actually done this once too and had been too embarrassed to admit it. I'm pretty sure I would never have forgotten MY food!
Danee
What out for those Egg McMuffins! They are certified colon blow!
Mary W
I was wearing a new dress - really cute, flimsy, and sewn with invisible thread. Got my groceries on the way home from work, finished loading them in the car, sat down to drive home and felt very cold - suddenly. I looked down and the threads had all given out and I was sitting in my bra and panties in the car. I quickly backed up and drove home. Luckily we lived way out in the country and no one saw except the truck drivers that I drove next to on the way home. What a horror but lucky for me it didn't happen while I was at the courthouse.
My husband left very early for work each morning and tried to be quiet. He started cursing and I jumped up to see him standing in the bathroom with a tube of Preparation H and his toothbrush. I never missed a chance to say pucker up, sweetie, I need a kiss.
We moved to the country and my husband was so happy to finally be near places where he could hunt. We love venison but he never did get one. Once at our little farm, he worked all the time never taking time to hunt. We lived in a partially built home as we worked on it so it had "hiding" places for mice. We also had one mouse that we were NEVER able to catch (peanut butter on the trap works great). One day while eating dinner we saw it brazenly walking along the baseboard waiting for a bit of dropped food. My husband grabbed our sons BB gun and fired. He actually killed it. For Christmas I gave him a little ceramic mouse for over the fireplace - his own trophy. To my knowledge he never went hunting again NOR did he ever stop hearing about his only trophy.
I have a boat load of really funny stories that happened to him as a milkman - back when milkmen were told to came in and put the milk in the refrigerator. The whole family would gather to hear them since there were 3 milkmen in the family (they owned a dairy). I'll save for another day. You can use your imaginations but nothing can top real life.
NannyMac
So...speaking of milkmen...
Back in the dark ages when they still brought milk to the door and we exchanged tickets for said milk, I answered the door in the early morning to get the milk and give the milkman the tickets. Now, I was 13 years old, new to a period, and at the time, the attachment for those archaic old pads was a belt...
I was dressed in a flannel nightie that was only to the knees. Well...as I walked towards the kitchen to get the tickets, in full view of the milkman, I felt something swinging between my legs. YUP...it was the unhooked belt and the pad...unchanged since the night before...
He couldn't get outta there fast enough...and neither could I...TRES EMBARRASSING !!!!
Still carry that feeling with me to this day !!!
Mary W
You poor thing - you will take that memory to the end. I remember those belts! Horrific things. But I bet the milkman stories were enriched by your bad experience. My uncle (one of the milkmen) was in the outhouse in the early morning hours (they began at 2AM) and a tree frog jumped onto his face - he ran out into the parking lot - drawers down-screaming a snake got him. The other milkmen laughed until they had tears over his misfortune. A lot of weird stuff happened in those wee hours. Funny, embarrassing, horrific, or otherwise.
Mel
Oh so many, which to choose?
I was gardening, it was peaceful, dirty, awesome work. I fetched the hose at the side of our house to water the newly planted veggies. In case you didn't know my house is on a steep grade, a whole storey from front to back yard. So I turn on the water, grab the hose, start to walk and drop it. It lands on the handle and starts spraying water straight up into my face. It was on the jet setting. So I manage to soak myself, finally grab the hose then slide down the hill that I've so conveniently made into a slip and slide with all that spraying water. And then what happens? You guessed it, I dropped the damn thing on the handle again. I laughed so hard I almost peed a bit. It was like a comedy routine.
Christie Acker
Since we're all sharing high school stories - I arrived at school late - was walking down the hall and the guy I had a crush on was the lone student standing at the end of the hall. I'm thinking - "Awesome - I'm looking good - wearing a great outfit with my cowboy boots with heels..." But it had been raining that day, and just at that moment, my heel skidded out from beneath me and I fell flat on my ass - my sister was with me and she laughed so hard I swear she peed her pants....
And another one - didn't happen to me... A friend woke up one Saturday morning, her husband suggested they walk to the main drag to get a cappuccino. So off she happily goes. Says people were looking at her sideways so when she got home, she checked the mirror to see what the brouhaha was about. She had a clay mask on her face that her husband didn't bother to tell her about and she had forgotten she put on!!!
catherine
Using points, I got to fly first class, the only time in my life, in a seat that was a pod that reclined into a bed, all the electronic TV etc. you could wish for, there were 2 attendants for 10 of us...it was awesome and I was very over excited by it all! We were served wine while the rest of the plane boarded...a life I would love to become accustomed to! Unfortunately I gave myself away as a total low class idiot...when they served us a dish of mixed nuts that were actually warmed, I turned excitedly to the stranger sitting behind me and asked him "Are your nuts hot?"
Annette
I can't stop laughing at this one!
Angie S
I'm glad I wore my water proof mascara today! That's hilarious!
Christina
During my teen years when I thought I was going to break into the modelling world, the modelling course taught us to use KY-gel in our hair to slick it back. I guess in the '70's that was the choice of the models then. My kids will never let me forget that one!
Diane amick
Omg. Had to find tissue so I could wipe my eyes and nose (in that order) to finish this post. Sure started my day off with hysterical laughing...thank you.
VA
I was helping a friend clear some limbs after an overnight storm and a very nice man stopped his truck and immediately began to help. I glanced at his vehicle and said " Oh, I see you have your dogs with you".
He looked at me a little oddly and said "No Ma'm, those are my daughters".
Did I mention I wasn't wearing my glasses.....?
Cred
The best! I can't stop laughing.
Tina
This one made me crack up.
danni
In high school, in front of the whole class, I meant to say "enigma" ....
Said enema instead.
Also as a pre teen said "public" instead of "pubic" and my sister still brings that up. I was a pre teen more than 4 decades ago.
Oh jeeze I could go on and on....
rktrix
Oh, yes. Had an orchestra teacher in high school whose last name had a d in it, and ended in "lillo". My friend raised his hand, and asked "Mr. Xxxdxdildo?" We all gasped and tried to contain our laughter. My friend had NO idea he did that. The teacher's eyes bulged, but he answered the question. I couldn't have let that one pass!
Kathleen
My husband & I needed to go to the landscaping yard to pick up some large patio stones for the garden last year. I heard a funny sound as I sat down in the car but thought nothing of it. I was hovering and, as is my nature, trying to inject some humor into an otherwise thankless task for the young fellow who was loading the car. But he wasn't responding and only spoke to my husband when necessary. Even my husband was baffled because I've long been able to get at least a smirk out of people in even the most challenging situations. But that fellow didn't even look at me. Which became the fodder for our conversation on the drive home, of course: What a strange kid, etc., etc. Then, while unloading the car at home, my bottom suddenly felt a bit cool and I discovered that one entire ass cheek was exposed! The unfamilar noise I heard as I sat down in the car had been the sound of my pants ripping! Just the thought of what was going through the mind of a 20-something kid at the sight of my untoned 63 year old ass made me laugh until I almost peed what was left of my pants!
Gingersnappo
Okay, THIS one made me lol (at work, no less)! Thanks for sharing!
Gwennie
I was newly engaged and driving to meet my fiance at his home. I REALLY had to go to the bathroom, so I am trying to get to his house in the quickest route possible. It's raining. I finally pull into his driveway and race through the rain into the house. My wet feet hit the kitchen floor, go up in the air, land with a huge thud and proceed to pee all over the floor. I look up at my husband and his best friend standing over me, laughing hysterically! My fiance says "nice entrance". He still tells that story!
whitequeen96
OK, I'm snorting and laughing out loud over this one! How did you ever survive it?! I think I would have acted as if I'd been knocked out by the fall!
bellygrl
Oh I agree - the only way to pull out of that one is to fake a head injury! Laughing my head off here!
Karen
LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!! omgomgomgomg!!!!!!! ~ karen!
SusanR
OMG. I couldn't even breathe I was laughing so hard.