This is what it’s come to. Paleo “bread”

Paleo Diet

def: A nutrition plan wherein only foods eaten by the Palaeolithic caveman are consumed.  So, yeah.  A diet that uses Fred Flintstone as its model of health and wellness. 

 
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O.K. It’s been 4 weeks since I’ve been aiding the fella in his quest to be Paleo until he’s sick of it.

And I have learned 3 things in this past month.

1.  I am already sick of it.

2.  When in doubt, use cauliflower.

3.  When in doubt use more cauliflower.

Craving something that looks like mashed potatoes?  Mash up some cauliflower.

Craving something that looks like rice?  Chop up some cauliflower.

Hashbrowns?  Cauliflower!  Pizza crust?  CAULIFLOWER!  The possibilities for torturing one with a vegetable as unpleasant as cauliflower … are endless.

That’s the problem with Paleo and the even bigger problem with just starting out on Paleo.  You’re constantly trying to reproduce food you love with horrifying results.

If I read one more recipe that talks about how spaghetti squash is just like eating real spaghetti, this cavelady is going to smash someone in the throat with her club.  It is not.  It is not like eating real pasta.  It is however, just like eating spaghetti squash.   So why not leave it at that?  Why not just eat spaghetti squash and call it spaghetti squash?

Because the gut wants what the gut wants.  And your gut tells your brain to find ANYTHING it might mistake for pasta.  Like spaghetti squash.  Or hair.
So.  We try to copy, replicate and reproduce our favourite  recipes out of ingredients that we were never intended to create them with.

When I started this meal plan in support of the fella and his desire to do things for no particular reason other than to do them, I swore I wasn’t going to substitute.  I wasn’t going to make anything that I didn’t already make on a regular basis.  So I went through my recipes and normal meals and found a few that with no adjustments at all were Paleo.  And by few I mean none.

Paleo cuts out  milk, cream, and all cheese.  It also cuts out potatoes, grains, beans and fun.  So no bread, buns, pasta, Pringles, quinoa, rice, crackers, tortillas, taco shells or toast.

That pretty much cuts out food for me. Chili? Nope. Can’t have it. Roasted potatoes? No. Buddha Bowl with tofu and rice? Double no. French toast? No. Potato Soup, homemade pasta, caesar salad, oatmeal, pizza, quinoa salad. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh       my        God.

13 hours into the Paleohmygod diet and I was dreaming of bread. Thick, crusty slices of bread, slathered in butter. It was a dream so I was wearing the bread while I played the accordian, but still … I was dreaming of bread.

2 days into it I started Googling Paleo bread recipes.

2 weeks into it I made the fella pay $57 for 2 cups of almond flour.

3 weeks into it I decided on a Paleo bread recipe and I made it.

 

Paleo Bread

 

Looks good doesn’t it? It was crumbly and dry and grainy and I wasn’t surprised one bit. Nor disappointed. When you make “bread” out of coconut oil and almond flour you can’t expect bread. You can expect “bread”. And I was O.K. with that.

I tried a piece of the bread with some honey drizzled on it (to compliment the odd coconut flavour of it) and it worked well. The texture is sort of like a cross between banana bread and corn bread.

It looked like bread and that was pretty good.

Oh God. I’m one step away from making “spaghetti”, I can tell.

Wish me well dear readers.  I’m a mere day away from getting my 30 day Paleo chip.  I don’t know if there’s going to be a ceremony or a presentation or anything, but I’m pretty excited about the possibility that I’ll be getting an actual potato chip. Yabba Dabba Do.

 


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104 Comments

  1. Jodi T. says:

    Wow… You are a more supportive person than I could ever hope to be. My man doing this = go in the next room while I scarf down these carbs. Lol. Big props to you for stickin’ with it!

  2. gloria says:

    So if this has gotten so bad that you’re reduced to eating “bread,” why not just tell the fella that you are switching to the “Paleo” diet.

  3. I enjoy that the site you got this ‘bread’ recipe from is called ‘Health Extremist’. To me, cutting out everything I like to eat is quite extreme, and I wouldn’t do it.
    Kudos to you for supporting the Fella’s desire to eat Paleo – I couldn’t do it.

    • Karen says:

      Well apparently neither can he, LOL. We were driving home from somewhere tonight and he saw a big billboard with a horrible looking panini with fake grill marks on it and thought it looked delicious. ~ karen

      • Toronto Boy says:

        I think your beau is coming to his senses. Paleoh-my-god diet is filled with oh-my-gawd suckage! And that my dear friends is putting it mildly!

  4. jamie says:

    I hear you. About seven months in, and I was losing my mind. These were a lifesaver: http://www.thepaleomom.com/2012/09/perfect-paleo-pancakes.html

    • Karen says:

      OMG! Bite your tongue. We’re doing this for 4-6 weeks tops. I know some people love it and swear by it but … we’re not two of them, LOL! (we did try pancakes about a week ago. They were … interesting) ~ karen!

      • Toronto Boy says:

        I’m guessing that you are using the term “interesting” interchangeably with the actual word “yucky”! Hahahaha!

  5. jamie says:

    Hahaha! No, I don’t expect everyone to be on it as long as me, but really, these pancakes are pretty spot on.

  6. Melanie says:

    I’m afraid that I would have driven thru the McDonald’s front windows by now. You are a stronger woman than I!

  7. pixie says:

    I have come to agree with you. Paleo is evil. Since jumping on your band wagon, I look in my fridge with sadness. I went to costco today and Couldn’t have any of the normal fun things, no, pizza, no hotdog, no soft beautiful pastries, no fresh sourdough… nothing I looked longingly at came home with me. Just a bunch of spinach and chicken….in a nutshell greens and grief. And I’m hungry all the time… So hungry I started drinking chia seeds…but I’m down 10 pounds in about a week and a half.

  8. Susan says:

    You know, Karen, you are an attractive, funny, successful woman. There are tons of men who eat normal food. Just sayin’.
    Kidding! Well, sort of….
    I think you should negotiate. You’ll do the paleo diet when the fella brings home an honest-to-goodness Dino!!!

  9. Rebecca says:

    God love you Karen! My husband started Crossfit last year and came home shortly thereafter talking Paleo….um….NO WAY! We have five little kids, so cooking Paleo or multiple meals is not an option. Now he’s into this Nutri-Bullet thing…men!!!

  10. Lynn says:

    OMG! Laughed so hard at that! I eat paleo but I do enjoy some aged cheese now and then. I have to admit I probably miss a good slice of homemade bread the most. Karen, you are not only a funny wife but a very supportive one! I take it you won’t be continuing the paleo lifestyle! 🙂 Be sure to update us on how your husband does with it! And thanks for the “rant”. It started my day off just right!

  11. koko says:

    Why do you think the cavemen/woman are extinct? couldn’t do it.

  12. Natika33 says:

    I don’t think the Paleo diet is for me either, but tell me something out of curiousity – have you lost weight?

    • Karen says:

      Pfttt. In actuality I’ve lost about 3 pounds. So for me, not great results as a “diet”. But we always ate really well anyway. Sure I’d end the day with a bowl of potato chips, but not a big deal. Plus I’ve been hungry for a month now. Like I said, we normally eat really well so it’s not like we were cutting out pounds of cake and toffee. I don’t need to eat less, I need to move around more. But for someone that doesn’t eat well it could work for weight loss as long as you don’t get bogged down in eating tons of bacon. (you’re really only supposed to eat Canadian bacon, but EVERYONE seems to think regular bacon is fine. ~ karen!

  13. Melanie Hosgen says:

    This looks like a good bean-free chili or should that be ‘chili’ 🙂

    http://mamasweeds.com/2013/01/28/a-chili-morning-for-a-not-so-chilly-kitchen/

  14. Miia says:

    Oh, you just have to come over the hump… Then you forget about bread, cakes and similar. I promise you. It’ll only take something like 3 years until you are really enjoying it, but what is three years really… that’s a joke. kind of.

    Completely right about the cauliflower! And the other facts of pretend food. Better to do something completely different. You might need a treat: Mix avocado with frozen banana and some berries, you might want to add some water and honey/stevia in to make it according to your taste.

    If heathy I can definitely see why one could not defend to oneself to eat a strict Paleo for longer time periods. And yes even when seriously unhealthy it is sometimes hard to stay strict… It’s fun to read about your thoughts, Paleo is a challenge.

  15. Reg says:

    Oh my. Brave Karen. This reminded me of a lunch I had with vegan sis. Try this vegan poutine, it’s just like that bad cheese curd and fries smothered in gravy.
    NO. IT’S. NOT.
    Hope you get your potato chip fix soon.

  16. marilyn says:

    i feel your pain karen..my niece and her husband embarked on a month long paleo odyssey on feb 7..while i haven’t been eationg that way we have tried to cut down and be supportive of them..so much so that the other day when i called to offer some homemade chicken soup and they declined because it had noodles in it i googled a recipe for paleo banana bread and made it..wasn’t bad ..but no where near my moms tried and true recipe..hang in there

  17. Stefanie says:

    no potatoes?! not a chance!

  18. Lynne says:

    You are the bravest woman I know. You didn’t stash pringles under your bed ? No cheese and crackers hiding under the sofa ? Nothing stashed in your closet ? You may be my new super hero.
    xx Lynne

  19. Kris says:

    I am one of THOSE people that actually did FEEL better on the paleo diet. However–My friend works at a bakery. And every time I go over he feels that he must fill my freezer with loaves of fancy bread, cinnamon rolls, and the latest…..NUTELLA F***ing FILLED Croissants! Needless to say, I just opted to not feel better, the end.

  20. Ruth says:

    “Why not just eat spaghetti squash and call it spaghetti squash?”

    I may be the only ‘non-carnivore’ who has this very reaction to vegetarian substitutes. If I had a dollar for every time some told me “Try this, it really does taste like beef!”….. I think half the trouble is that the person spouting this nonsense has no recollection of their beef-eating days…

    How about we just call the over-processed, questionably-flavoured soy mush what it is? *end rant* 😀

  21. Thera says:

    Wishing you well and that’s it ’cause otherwise I just don’t know lol.

  22. Vanessa says:

    I recently became one of those crazies and am trying to eat better… sorry healthy… umm no, not sure on the term besides crazy! Made these and they are pretty good… little salty but good, especially with a piece cheese! lol!
    http://lifeasadreger.wordpress.com/2012/01/03/paleo-everything-crackers/

  23. Melanie hosgen says:

    Hahaha you could have it with the spaghetti squash and then it would be ‘spaghetti bolognaise’!! 🙂

  24. Alex says:

    You’re a brave soul. This reminds me of when I tried to go vegan for a month to see if it would better my health and I wound up losing weight but not because of the new eating habits but b/c I was too lazy and frustrated trying to find all the substitutes and having to cook everything from scratch when I was so used to “Oh look a grilled cheese sandwich, that’s easy”. Real vegans would totally want to strangle me.

    No bread. Oh man. The withdrawal from the Costco baguettes alone would cause me to go to rehab.

  25. Tracy says:

    Karen, you are a good woman. My husband would have been foraging out of the fruit bowl and veggie drawer by himself after a day or two.

    Are you allowed seeds? If you are, making flax seed crackers might help. I am allergic to wheat and they were my carb fix for a long time. I made a raw version in my (very)short “raw” phase, but liked them enough to continue eating them afterwards. They were good, but these are probably better: http://www.cooktj.com/nearly-raw-savory-flaxseed-crackers Good luck!

  26. Debbie says:

    Just wondering how long the fella would have stuck to this if he had to cook?….just sayin’ I feel for you.

  27. Ann says:

    I have already stood up and admitted that I have done Paleo and felt way better. And that I am no longer doing Paleo and immediately put on almost 10lbs, even tho I am eating small portions of very healthy clean foods. But I did miss the breads and such and am having a hard time giving them back up.

    But my dearest sister-in-law was recently diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer. And all the research now suggests that one that has cancer needs to severely limit carbs because cancer feeds heavily on sugar. And all carbs eventually turn to sugar in the body. So now she is following a diet that in essence is Paleo. It makes me want to get back to following it in it’s truest form.

    But I am one who also never tried to make spaghetti squash into pasta. And never made any paleo bread. I bought some that would have been close but didn’t care a whole lot for it. But I made my chili with cubed sweet potatoes in it, instead of beans and it was wonderful. In fact, so good I will always make it that way. And I was never really hungry. I am way hungrier now that I am eating grains and such. It may be the way an individuals body handles carbs. When I eat carbs my blood sugar probably spikes way up and then plummets an hour later, making me hungry all over again. Proteins and fats do not do that and I have a feeling that is why I lose weight so well on Paleo and gain it back eating carbs.

  28. Rachel White says:

    Hi Karen,

    I stumbled upon a delicious – delicious, I tell you – paleo-friendly recipe called Congo Bars. I make them for my son who is an incredibly picky eater and these bars are one of the only ways to get healthy protein and fat into his little mouth.

    Coconut oil, honey, almond flour and almond butter, an egg, a little baking soda and powder…make for a super yummy treat.

    The recipe does call for chocolate chips. I use the Enjoy Life brand because they are gluten and dairy free. So I think they would be okay for a paleo diet?

    Also, I found that I can save $6 per pound if I buy almond flour in the Whole Food’s bulk bin rather than in a package from, say, Bob’s Red Mill.

    I’m impressed with your commitment! Congrats on the 30 day chip and good luck with the last couple weeks. Here’s a link to the recipe:

    http://whatsupatthewhitehouse.blogspot.com/2013/01/congo-bars.html

  29. Cynna says:

    Why are you torturing yourself with this crazy diet?What’s wrong with pure, healthy foods, including dairy and quinoa?

  30. Cass says:

    I just finished the Whole 30. And while I didn’t mind it too much – like you we eat well already – I did miss my glass of wine at dinner. Today is my first day where I am “allowed” real food again, and I honestly felt guilty eating my homemade bran muffin (made with rice flour) this morning. My huge “but” with this way of eating is that now I have a damn rash all over my legs. Which is either from the stupid nuts, dried fruit or eggs I was eating. So ya. My body feels better, I lost about 4 or 5 pounds, no bloating, sleeping better etc. But now I am so damn itchy.

  31. Barbie says:

    I think you should get a chip for being such a good “not wife” and going the distance for your fella. You are a true foodie and it would be torturous! I have been doing a diet very similar to this as well for health reasons and allergies….and I can attest it is horrible! Oh for just ONE piece of bread. I really do feel your pain. I do however have a vita mix and can grind my own almond flower so I don’t have to buy it for $57 dollars! LOL that really cracked me up~!

    • Karen says:

      Barbie – As soon as I had him buy it I realized WE have a Vitamix, LOL. We even have the grains container! So … that’s the way to go for sure. ~ karen!

  32. Kay Rasmussen says:

    We had an article in our local paper about different diets recently. On the Paleo diet they ended with “remember Cave Men only lived until about the age 30. Just saying:)

  33. amy says:

    you are by far a stronger woman than i. good luck Wilma.

  34. Shauna says:

    “Hi, my name is Karen and it’s been 30 days since I’ve had a potato chip, butter, milk, cheese…any food worth living for.”

    Yes, you deserve a chip, a trophy and so much more. You deserve a trophy made out french bread and whipped butter.

    p.s., since the Fella didn’t pick me to win the cookbook, I can now feel safe in saying, “I think this diet is just plain silly.”

    I wish you luck my internet friend whom I’ve never met.

  35. Lisa says:

    I’m not doing so well with my Paleo attempt. Except for the eggs and bacon part, I am all over that.

  36. Nancy Blue Moon says:

    Like I said before..The caveman ate those things because that was what was available for them to eat..”Eat what cavemen ate”..If that is the case then you don’t need any recipes cause I don’t believe the cave-people were eating anything cooked from a RECIPE..People come up with these crappy “diets” just to make money and get attention..which is exactly what they get..The dill pickle chips are calling your name Karen..and mine too..think I’ll go get a bag..

  37. Linda says:

    “I am woman, hear me roarrrrr”… sorry….it’s a visual I get when reading about your Paleo support! I admire your stamina through this whole thing. So you didn’t lose much weight, but are the “chicken tenders” still attached to your back?

  38. Marti says:

    You two really are wonderfully supportive of each other. Have you seen this recipe made with spaghetti squash:

    http://allrecipes.com/recipe/mock-coconut-pie-spaghetti-squash-pie/

    I’m guessing it doesn’t fit the paleo criteria, but I wanted to contribute something.

  39. sera says:

    I have had spaghetti squash and I have no idea how anyone could say it even compares to spaghetti. I noticed however that you are having meatballs on Sunday, with marinara? I have found that when I am trying to cut down on pasta (I would never give it up), that I love marinara on roasted butternut squash. I don’t know if that’s of any help at all, but it sounds like you can still eat squash so…

  40. Brenda J. M says:

    Yeah….but, um, aren’t those guys dead? Hmmmm.

  41. Dianne says:

    We did this paleo thing last spring and each lost 20 lbs in one month, with one difference. We weren’t even allowed fruit. No alchohol either and I really need a glass of wine when I cook.

    Doing it again now, because I feel 10 lbs creeping up my backside.

    We had curried cream of cauliflower soup without the cream yesterday. Oh yum but the bum is not so draggy.

  42. Lin N says:

    Um…so cave people had cauliflower laying all over the place? Hmmm….you can loose weight, manage sugar/ glucose tolerances and such being a vegetarian as well. Environmental effects that are associated with meat production are pollution, fossil fuels, water and land consumption. So y’all may look great being Paleo but the carbon foot print is not good…just sayin. Not going to get me to live in the far past diet wise…ain’t throwing away hundreds of years of evolution lol…off to do the hunt ‘n’ gather thing at the grocery store!

  43. Chau says:

    Oh the things we do for loved ones. The question is whether you still love the Fella after this challenge. Gosh you guys are so fit and healthy, it’s not like you need to loose weight or battle illness. Why torture yourselve?

  44. Violet says:

    When I was young, there was one diet in the world — ONE — and everyone knew exactly what it was.

    You had a ground beef patty, a piece of lettuce with a single tomato slice on top, and half a canned peach with a scoop of cottage cheese in the middle. BAM, done. Didn’t matter if you went out for dinner somewhere or whether you made it at home, didn’t matter if you were rich or poor, that was what EVERYONE was talking about when they said they were on a “diet.” We all knew the deal, we all knew the rules. You could walk into any restaurant in the know universe and order the “Diet Plate” and know exactly what you were gonna get.

    That was back when the world was sane and the primary purpose for eating was to, y’know, not die.

  45. Julie says:

    Paleo man was a NEANDERTHAL. They have been extinct for quite some time. I’m a believer in survival of the fittest. Clearly, paleo man was not one of them. I’ll stick to whole grains, beans and legumes. Good Luck!!

  46. Susan says:

    If you’re tired of your Paleo diet and want to short-cut the duration, make the Fella a big salad and put a huge, dead cockroach in the middle of it. Paleolithic man ate insects. Let’s see just how Paleolithic the Fella really is.

  47. Bols says:

    I do like cauliflower. Breaded like a schnitzel and deep fried (also like a schnitzel). With tartar sauce. And butter-drizzled potatoes.
    I am simply not very compatible with Paleo.

  48. stephbo93 says:

    THANK YOU for speaking thee truth about all of these substitute foods! I have been saying the same thing for years. Good luck with the paleo thing. You are a better woman than I.

  49. karenagain says:

    Yeah, there’s a reason they are all dead and only lived to be 30. There’s a 1000 diets out that all promise great results. I recently went gluten free for a month and felt only deprived. My best diet is to eat as much as I can and stay under 1200 calories if I want to lose weight.

  50. Deb says:

    Of all the things I could sacrifice, I couldn’t sacrifice pasta. no no no no. And though I do like spaghetti squash, it is not a substitute for anything. My idea of experimenting is maybe trying a different throw on a chair or something. However, I’m pleased to hear you’re sticking with it and the Fella, also. I am sooooo not into self-deprivation, much too set in my ways, or maybe just plain selfish.

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