I’d like to take a moment to ask if you’ve seen the ridiculous commercial on television right now telling all the men of the world how much their wives and girlfriends would love a life sized teddy bear for Valentine’s Day. According to the astute men in the commercial roses just die and chocolates are a bad choice because your wife/girlfriend will just eat them, then ask you if she looks fat. To which, I assume, the man would be obliged to say, Well, yeah. I mean, sure. You just ate all those chocolates. Of course you’re fat. The downside of that of course being, a crying woman is really slippery to have sex with.
Who are these male advertising geniuses and WHO GAVE THEM ALL THE SECRETS TO OUR TINY LADY BRAINS?
For a mere $99.99 you can gift your woman with a giant carnival prize which according to the commercial she will coquettishly cuddle up to on the couch or bed while thinking about how wonderful you are for buying her this 6′ tall dust monster. And then she will want to have sex with you.
And when I say life sized, I mean life sized. It is the size of a full grown bear. You know how you have to rearrange everything in your house when you bring home a new lamp or a pair of socks so they’ll fit? Now you have to clear space for a 25 cubic foot hairball.
If you find yourself in the position of receiving one of these things, the logical thing to get rid of I suppose would be something in your house of equal size and intelligence. The boyfriend.
Now onto some Valentine’s stuff that’s actually useful.