The holidays are upon us and with that comes the most important part of the holiday season; making memories. Getting back in touch with friends and family who we haven’t seen in … well about half a day in my case. Sometimes less than that if one of us gets a new haircut.
So I thought it would be nice (plus someone on Facebook suggested it) to put the two, memories and family, together into one post.
I have for you today a seasonal conversation with Betty. Betty is my near 80 year old mother. To get an idea of what Betty is like you can watch her take out one of my kitchen walls with a sledgehammer here.
A Christmas Conversation with Betty.
Me: What was your favourite Christmas present as a kid?
Betty: Figure skates. I got them every year.
Me: You got figure skates every SINGLE year?
Betty: Yep. I loved them. It’s all I ever asked for. The only year I didn’t like them, well I thought they were O.K., but I didn’t really like them … they were brown. I mean they were brown. They got them out of the catalogue. That’s all the catalogue had that year. Brown skates. And … I still like white. Even when they wear those things over their feet in skating competitions, I don’t like it. NO WAY. I like the white. I got stupid things. I got a cedar chest when I was about 12. Mind you I loved filling that thing up. At the time I worked a store selling hats, and I’d buy sheets, pillow cases. The most expensive ones they had. I loved them. I got a duvet when I was 12 too.
Me: (I’m now beginning to become suspicious of my mother’s answers because she seems to have only gotten presents at the age of 12. And all of them. She got all her lifetime of Christmas presents when she was 12).
Betty: I’m still using that duvet. It’s on the bed right now. I had it refeathered. You know what though? It’s wearing out.
Me: NO! Maybe you could return it. Seems to me a quality duvet should last more than 65 years.
Betty: (ignores me) I think I got a housecoat I really liked once too. Out of the catalogue. The Sears catalogue. Or Simpsons. Simpsons/Sears.
Me: What is your most memorable holiday moment.
Betty: Oh I don’t know. I can’t remember. There weren’t any. I don’t know. Everyone went up to Matawa or North Bay and got drunk. That’s all I remember. Does that count?
Me: Would you like to hear my most memorable holiday moment?
Betty: Um … I don’t know.
Me: Mine was when you came downstairs with a shotgun with a house full of kids saying you didn’t know whether it was loaded or not.
Betty: YOU dreamt that! I did NOT. Why would I do that? You’re making that up! Is this going on your blog? Why are you asking me these questions?
Me: No. I’m just doing a survey.
Betty: Oh. O.K. That seems strange. Are you sure?
Betty: I don’t believe you.
Me: Do you like buying Christmas presents for everyone?
Betty: NO! (Laughing) (Still laughing) Half of me likes it and the other half doesn’t. I like it if I can think of good things to buy otherwise I don’t.
Me: When picking out a gift for someone else would you rather buy something you like or something the person you’re giving it to would like?
Betty: (Laugh) Well probably something I like. (Laughs hysterically)
Me: (Betty is notorious for only buying things she approves of and likes herself. If you want it but she thinks it’s in poor taste, well that’s your problem for having bad taste. She’ll buy you what she thinks you SHOULD want.)
Me: What is your favourite part of the holidays?
Betty: The Christmas carols.
Me: I don’t believe you. Name your favourite carol.
Betty: Ummm ….. I saw Santa kissing …. I saw Santa kissing … what is it … something. I saw Santa kissing mama. Is that it? I saw … Um… well I haven’t heard it for a year so I sort of forget. That’s my favourite though.
Me: If you could have any wish come true for Christmas what would it be? Anything. Like a magic Christmas wish.
Betty: For good health for all of my children.
Me: (I’m beginning to suspect she’s realizing these answers are indeed going on the blog)
Me: If you could have one celebrity over for Christmas who would it be? (I’m about to list 3 people she can choose from but she interrupts me)
Betty: I know who I want to come.
Me: But I was going to give you a list to choose from.
Betty: But I have my own list.
Me: But I was going to give you a choice of 3 people.
Betty: Johnny Cash. That’s who is on my list. It would be Johnny Cash.
Me: He wasn’t on my list.
Betty: Fine. O.K. who was on your list?
Me: Kim Kardashian, Miley Cyrus or Ron Jeremy?
Betty: Who is he?
Me: He’s a porn star with a big penis.
Betty: Oh God I don’t wanna see him. I’d pick Miley Cyrus.
Betty: She’s cute.
Me: Not Kim Kardashian?
Betty: NO. She’s too snooty for me.
Me: O.K. That’s all the questions I have for you.
Betty: This isn’t going on your blog is it?
Me: Yes. Yes it is.
Betty: NO! No, no Karen you can’t put this on your blog. I said some not nice things.
Me: Like what?
Betty: Well, like that I didn’t like shopping.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good over and under double barrel shotgun.