Sometimes I go through my posts and come across one that even makes me laugh. This is one such post. I also thought it would be a good way to introduce some of my newer followers to what I went through 8 years ago. Spoiler alert: it was a breakup. Double spoiler alert: I've never been happier and if you're going through a breakup, believe it or not, you have incredible happiness to look forward to.
originally published in 2013, 3 months after the very sudden end of a 10 year relationship
Idris Elba
Age: 40
Occupation: Actor
Dear Idris,
I don't know if you've heard or not, you probably have, but the fella and I have broken up.
So I figure now is the perfect time for you and I to pursue our relationship further (beyond me watching you on The Wire and thinking ... yeah ... I could probably have a really good relationship with a mid level drug dealer).
I appreciate the fact that you look manlier than I do. That's kind of a prerequisite. Even a feminist gal likes to feel like the gal. And since I'm often covered in dirt and wielding a power tool someone like Justin Bieber, for instance, just wouldn't do. Also he's too young. Also I just couldn't be with someone who, according to past photos, kept losing his shirt until about the age of 24. How upset little Justin must have been that he kept losing his shirts. If I were him I'd have questioned my laundry service.
Johnny Depp was on the list for a while because he's a bit of a weirdo and that appeals to me, but he's prettier than I am so that's no good.
Gordon Ramsay was also on the list because he's manly but he can also cook. Plus he makes a decent living. Then I realized I'd never be able to cook anything for him, for fear of being called a f*cking donkey and having all my pots thrown at my head. Also I have no idea how to make Beef Wellington.
So Idris, it looks like you're it. You're handsome and manly and you have a good sense of humour. I actually have no idea about your sense of humour but I'm going with the fact that you have a wildly terrific sense of humour. You crack me up. Heh. We'll be so happy together. I've heard rumours you might be the next James Bond so then I can call you James, which will be a blessing, because I'm not entirely sure of how to pronounce your name. First or last.
I know this would be a long distance relationship, what with you living somewhere else. Where is it you live? I think it might be England. I've always wanted to visit England! The Union Jack is my favourite flag. We can go for curries and visit the English countryside. We will walk dogs. You will smoke a pipe and I will acquire an English accent by day 3 of my visit just like Madonna did. We will have such fun walking along stone walls and picking daisies. If you have time. You're probably busy. I bet you don't visit the countryside at all. It's always work, work, work with you.
Oh yes, I'm sure my moving to England would make things a lot easier for you. Well you can forget that Mr. Controlling. Do you have any idea how small the bags of chips are there compared to here? And by chips I mean CHIPS not french fries. See? There's that too. Oh God. There's going to be such a language barrier between us.
There is the redeeming fact that chickens outnumber humans in England, but it just isn't enough to put up with your nonsense.
And just so you know, having a British accent doesn't automatically make you charming. You wanna know what's charming? YOU deciding what to have for dinner one night for a change. You don't even have to MAKE IT. Just come up with the idea. THAT'S CHARMING.
And you can think again if you assume I'm picking out your mother's Christmas present. It's your family and YOU can deal with picking out and buying their presents. She's not MY mother!!! I have enough family members of my own to buy for let alone having to remember to buy your niece a grade 8 graduation present.
It's always me, me, ME doing everything. It's exhausting. You really should be a bit more considerate of my time and feelings. No, I'm not a big time movie star like you, but you know what? I HAVE CHICKENS. YOU THINK CHICKENS RAISE THEMSELVES? Plus I have a certain schedule I like to adhere to when it comes to eating and television watching and I can just tell you're not going to be the least bit accommodating. Because you're selfish.
And I'm not entirely positive, but I think you probably snore. You look like a snorer. A loud one. Do you have any idea how nice it is to have an entire bed to yourself with nothing sweating, farting or snoring beside you? Well I do, and let me tell you it's NICE. You're such a jackass. You really are starting to bug me.
You think I don't have my own life to live? Well I'm putting a stop to this right now. You've become way too demanding over the past few daydreams. I installed my own central vac. I'm independent. And handy. Plus I know how to spell most of my name in sign language. I'm a catch. You need me more than I need you. In fact without me you'll probably move back in with your mother. So needy.
And I'm sick of it. You're suffocating me here. Honestly. Just back OFF.
We gave it a good try but this just isn't going to work out.
Sincerely,
p.s. Do you have Daniel Craig's email address? Thanks in advance.
→Follow me on Instagram where I often make a fool of myself←
Kathy
Move back in with his mother?? Yikes...
Jenny
Yup, yur Back, (YAY!!) and sooo not ready to date :)) My computer was in the repair shop since Friday and today is Wednesday. How Happy am I to have 3 posts to read back to back!!
Estee
Pffff! Can you believe this guy?! I'm so glad he's not snoring and farting up my daydreams! Good for you for telling him off! Men! He was getting freakin' needy!
Grammy
Happy to have you back in fine form. I think you might have been a little too harsh on poor Idris, though. It doesn't seem like he got much of a chance to reform before you booted him out.
For the record (you are keeping a record, right?) I'm another who can attest to life being way better when you've got that heartbreak business out of the way. It's good to see you making with the delicious snark again.
Dana
All I can say is that was THE best comeback from your time off...you seriously crack me up, thanks for the lol and glad you're back!
Karen
Glad to be back! For the most part. Kind of. I'm so sick of writing already. Where's the couch? LOL! ~ karen
Jill
Also a long-time lurker here unlurking (delurking?) long enough to say, YOU ARE SO FREAKING AWESOME. Take your time, do whatever you need, we'll be here when you get back.
I think of you and that fire pit every time I'm near any planters. It's been years and I've yet to find a square metal planter. But it will be mine! IT WILL BE MINE! (shaking fist in air)
Anyway, thanks for everything.
Karen
Hi Jill. LOL. I'm *am* back. I was off for a few weeks and it did me a whole lotta good. I got better MUCH faster because of it. ~ karen!
Lesley Williamson
Welcome back, Karen. Missed you. And yes, Justin Bieber is a douchebag, as everyone over the age of 17 recognizes. Why is he always wearing his pants at half mast?
But OMG Idris Elba. SO SO gorgeous! And the voice, and the accent. Have you seen him in Luther? British TV series set in London. He's so delicious in Luther that sometimes I stop breathing while watching.
Patti
I laughed til I cried! Your sense of humor is priceless!!! I was needing a good laugh. So nice to be receiving your posts again.
kelliblue
There. Do you feel better now? :)
WELCOME BACK KAREN! SO glad to see you've landed on your feet...as we all knew you would! (because hey, you can do everything!) You were very much missed, and the web world was just a whole lot boringer without you.
And if Idris or some other wonderful guy doesn't see what a true gem you are, then he's just a big ol' chicken pluckin' ass hat. So there. *HUGS!*
Fritzy Dean
Karen, I don't have a Brit accent, but I de-lurked to say "Brava! " So hilariously written. I am certain that big nostrils equals =loud snores + smelly farts + sweating on my clean sheets! Why?
Karen said so.
I join everyone is saying "welcome back" .......this gave me the BIGGEST grin, giggle and guffaw I have had since you left us.
Jeannie B
Thanks for coming back Karen.You have a really big following, standing at your "virtual"" door, patiently awaiting for your return. I'm at the end of the line.
EmilyB
You, my dear, are obviously a bright spot for many. And I'm a lurker too who just wanted to expose myself enough to let you know that the first post I ever read of yours was when 'the fella' hurt his foot and you realized he had 'salad bowl head syndrome' . Which was my first thought when you said he was gone. You nailed it then and obviously the syndrome is a chronic condition---cause there must be nothing in that brain at all. Granted I don't know him personally, but when someone can bring smiles to the entire planet, he should have appreciated it as a very rare thing indeed. But I do feel bad for 'the fella's' father . He obviously has a lot of affection for you. And he must feel so sad to see his son afflicted with 'salad bowl head syndrome.' I missed ya.
Karen
Hi Emily - Thanks for de-lurking. The fella's father and I still speak and yes, he feels terribly about all of this. ~ karen!
Elen Grey | Deep in B-ville Writing Over the Garage
There you are! Welcome back, Karen. Fan-laughing-tastic post!!
Debbie
One word came to mind when reading this entertaining post: BRILLIANT!!! You are very talented. And I am so glad to see that Karen has her groove back. :)Looking forward to reading you daily.
Nomes
Watch 'Luther'. Idris stars in all three mini seasons.
Karen
I have and I loved it. :) ~ karen
KiwiKat
Have you heard of Elaine Figgis? You could be a best buddy of hers - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4AgzQvFNZs - WELCOME BACK!!!
Maggie
So glad to see you and your hilarious self are back!
danni
How is it that you only know Idris Elba from "The Wire" (american) and I only know him as Luther (which is british)? It's a twisted world, Karen, but welcome back to it all the same.
Karen
danni - LOL. everyone keeps telling me about Luther. I love Luther! I've seen every episode including the last. He's also in the American show The Big C by the way! Just a few episodes. ~ karen!
Ann
Have missed you muchos. No wonder I've been sad and droopy - no Karen. Welcome back and hang in there - you have lots of friends in your court.
JennB
I've missed your posts VERY much, esp since I am now a FORMER neighbour, and have moved back to the wilds of Alberta. Hated hearing your first news, thrilled to see the strong, awesome incredibly hilarious post from today. Love you, and your chickens ~ ( did you hear we're getting some?? ) take care; xoxo