Sometimes I go through my posts and come across one that even makes me laugh. This is one such post. I also thought it would be a good way to introduce some of my newer followers to what I went through 8 years ago. Spoiler alert: it was a breakup. Double spoiler alert: I've never been happier and if you're going through a breakup, believe it or not, you have incredible happiness to look forward to.
originally published in 2013, 3 months after the very sudden end of a 10 year relationship
Idris Elba
Age: 40
Occupation: Actor
Dear Idris,
I don't know if you've heard or not, you probably have, but the fella and I have broken up.
So I figure now is the perfect time for you and I to pursue our relationship further (beyond me watching you on The Wire and thinking ... yeah ... I could probably have a really good relationship with a mid level drug dealer).
I appreciate the fact that you look manlier than I do. That's kind of a prerequisite. Even a feminist gal likes to feel like the gal. And since I'm often covered in dirt and wielding a power tool someone like Justin Bieber, for instance, just wouldn't do. Also he's too young. Also I just couldn't be with someone who, according to past photos, kept losing his shirt until about the age of 24. How upset little Justin must have been that he kept losing his shirts. If I were him I'd have questioned my laundry service.
Johnny Depp was on the list for a while because he's a bit of a weirdo and that appeals to me, but he's prettier than I am so that's no good.
Gordon Ramsay was also on the list because he's manly but he can also cook. Plus he makes a decent living. Then I realized I'd never be able to cook anything for him, for fear of being called a f*cking donkey and having all my pots thrown at my head. Also I have no idea how to make Beef Wellington.
So Idris, it looks like you're it. You're handsome and manly and you have a good sense of humour. I actually have no idea about your sense of humour but I'm going with the fact that you have a wildly terrific sense of humour. You crack me up. Heh. We'll be so happy together. I've heard rumours you might be the next James Bond so then I can call you James, which will be a blessing, because I'm not entirely sure of how to pronounce your name. First or last.
I know this would be a long distance relationship, what with you living somewhere else. Where is it you live? I think it might be England. I've always wanted to visit England! The Union Jack is my favourite flag. We can go for curries and visit the English countryside. We will walk dogs. You will smoke a pipe and I will acquire an English accent by day 3 of my visit just like Madonna did. We will have such fun walking along stone walls and picking daisies. If you have time. You're probably busy. I bet you don't visit the countryside at all. It's always work, work, work with you.
Oh yes, I'm sure my moving to England would make things a lot easier for you. Well you can forget that Mr. Controlling. Do you have any idea how small the bags of chips are there compared to here? And by chips I mean CHIPS not french fries. See? There's that too. Oh God. There's going to be such a language barrier between us.
There is the redeeming fact that chickens outnumber humans in England, but it just isn't enough to put up with your nonsense.
And just so you know, having a British accent doesn't automatically make you charming. You wanna know what's charming? YOU deciding what to have for dinner one night for a change. You don't even have to MAKE IT. Just come up with the idea. THAT'S CHARMING.
And you can think again if you assume I'm picking out your mother's Christmas present. It's your family and YOU can deal with picking out and buying their presents. She's not MY mother!!! I have enough family members of my own to buy for let alone having to remember to buy your niece a grade 8 graduation present.
It's always me, me, ME doing everything. It's exhausting. You really should be a bit more considerate of my time and feelings. No, I'm not a big time movie star like you, but you know what? I HAVE CHICKENS. YOU THINK CHICKENS RAISE THEMSELVES? Plus I have a certain schedule I like to adhere to when it comes to eating and television watching and I can just tell you're not going to be the least bit accommodating. Because you're selfish.
And I'm not entirely positive, but I think you probably snore. You look like a snorer. A loud one. Do you have any idea how nice it is to have an entire bed to yourself with nothing sweating, farting or snoring beside you? Well I do, and let me tell you it's NICE. You're such a jackass. You really are starting to bug me.
You think I don't have my own life to live? Well I'm putting a stop to this right now. You've become way too demanding over the past few daydreams. I installed my own central vac. I'm independent. And handy. Plus I know how to spell most of my name in sign language. I'm a catch. You need me more than I need you. In fact without me you'll probably move back in with your mother. So needy.
And I'm sick of it. You're suffocating me here. Honestly. Just back OFF.
We gave it a good try but this just isn't going to work out.
Sincerely,
p.s. Do you have Daniel Craig's email address? Thanks in advance.
→Follow me on Instagram where I often make a fool of myself←
Susan M.
Welcome Back - you have been missed. I've enjoyed the chickens these last few weeks but well... it just wasn't the same.
P.S. Not only is the Bieb too young, but he always looks like he's got a diaper full - and who in the heck wants to change that? Eeewwwww!
Sebrah
The lady is back!!
Proper out loud laughing, just like the old days.
I did half expect the open letter to just say 'Marry me', cause that's all my letter would have said ... dreamy ... :-)
Jennifer
Karen,
I want you to know your fucking amazing... I think of you often in hopes for your return with good news. Not sure how u found you hell I've never followed anyone's blog before but I look forward to them, I feel like we're long time friends. Not even sure where you live.... I'm in Delray Beach Fl but I'm sure if you lived here we'd be bff's
Much love and looking forward to having Karen back.
Jennifer
Kathy
This is Kathy from Minnesota shedding my insomniatic cloak of anonymity to say hello as well. I hope you had as much fun writing that post as I had reading it. You are awesome, Sweetie.
Kathy
AND....for good measure, this Minnesota Mom has to send you off on your re-launch with this new theme song. It may be dated, but it inspired us...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vu7b9VfX0Y
Karen
Thanks Kathy. And welcome to commenting! ~ karen
mimiindublin
Hahaha!
Never heard of that Idris guy (not a movie person!) but you're better off without him. Daniel Craig is a much better choice.
Love your take on Gordon!
Welcome back Karen, you were missed!
btw, every time I fold a fitted sheet I think of you and send good wishes across the water. I wonder do people (your followers) all over the world do the same? I have a vision of people folding sheets going "never would've done it this good if it weren't for Karen!" in all different accents..including an English (and in my case Irish) one.
Denise Leavens
I send prayers of love and healing to Karen every time I make beef broth, chicken broth and darn socks! Every time I make my bed with linen sheets and wear my FABULOUS linen apron I am grateful for her. I bless her name while putting lights in Epsom salts for my Christmas decorating, and grinding my own beef. Oh, yes. This girl gets lots of love and good wishes sent 24/7!
(I would probably be praising her to the skies if I actually folded my sheets - they get washed, dried and back on the bed!)
Anne C
It's so good to see you back! To us your readers (thank you), to yourself all the more so (makes me happy). Such a funny, witty, beautiful piece of a letter -- karenly, in a word! If he reads it, he might insist. Hope you're aware of that (^_^).
Anne
(a French lurker, who never dares to comment, but had to, this time... Karen is back / she must feel better / she's so good, as ever!!!)
Nancy B.
Another lurker de-lurking to comment. Been where you are at and it is so nice to have you back. It really does get better and you sound like you are well on the road to recovery. Wish you were here so I could give you a hug. I am so happy to see you posting again.
P.S. Do share Daniels address! Much Love from California.
LuAnn Agustin
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Karen}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Do you feel missed? You should. All this love going you way from all over the map...
Karen
It is fun LuAnn. People think I "healed" quickly. I haven't healed. But I am MUCh better. Much in part due to the readers of this site. Thank you. ~ karen!
Kate
If you haven't yet seen this you may well want to watch it before you give up all hope on your love affair with Idris...
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1474684/
...You'll take him back. It's addictive viewing.
x
Karen
Hi Kate - LOL, I've seen every episode. Not that that's all that impressive since the last season only had 4 episodes, I think, LOL. GREAT show. ~ karen!
Kate
Yeah.... it's not too difficult to watch them all in one short Luther marathon is it?!
Well..... this doesn't have Iris Elbow in it but it IS very good tv and I know you like a good boxset...... (it is also in French so you get to seem very cultured indeed!)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2521668/
Don't tell me....... you've already seen it?
Karen
No I haven't seen it! Never even heard of it. I'll give it a go! Thx. ~ karen
dana
Missed u so much Karen! Love your blog!
Karen
Heck yeah! You got your funny back on! I am so glad, I truly missed it. Keep up the great work. You inspire more than you will ever know.
Melissa L.
Thank goodness you and Idris didn't last... my hubs bailed 11 years ago, and I've been raising my son - 10 more months til high school graduation and then I'm FREE to live my own life - well, my life with Idris anyway. I know you are handy/frightening with tools and all that, but I think I could take you.
p.s. Who loves ya baby? WE ALL DO!
Rhonda SmartyPants
Uh, this is a 'secret' post to Daniel Craig so, please, if you're anyone but Daniel Craig, this post is not to be read by you. Psssst...Daniel, if you should receive an email from the aforementioned fabulously incredible blogger, Karen Bertelsen, please be gentle, take your time and very carefully chose your words in reply. As you can see from the post above, she is returning from a very dark cave where she has been licking her wounds, reasserting her warrior-ness, and will need a few (ahem) trial runs and you may be one of them. If you should meet her - planned or not (is she capable of being a stalker? time will tell...) again, I strongly suggest you be gentle - maintain eye contact and back away to safety, for heavens' sake - and consider that she is going to land on her feet soon enough, maintain an even more erect posture than she has shown before, and will begin a remodel project the likes of which none of her countless fans have ever imagined. She will do this project with not one, but both of her hands tied behind her back, complete it in a 72-hour period, and use nothing that wasn't purchased at The Dollar Store. You, Mr. Craig, will not only be completely and utterly blown away by the amazing-ness of this woman, you will wonder what made you walk away from her and then something shiny will catch your dull mind's attention and you'll be off again chasing rainbows. Meanwhile, her leagues of fans - most of us being female and, therefore, wildly hormonal - will be watching your every move. Do not - DO NOT - even think about messing with her - you mess with Miss B and you mess with ALL of us. You only think you heard her call out with her chilling, "Bwah-ha-hah-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaaa." Wait until you hear us in unison (and across several time zones and the Continental Divide and ...) as we add our "Bwah-ha-hah-ha-ha's" in support.
Good choice for the Comeback Tour, Miss B. I'm impressed, as usual. Idris as #1, Daniel as #2 - not real concerned about #3, but I'm on the edge of my computer chair waiting to find out who is going to be the Clean-up Batter. Lovin' your teasingly deceptive entrances back into our lives. The Coop Cam was so touching - nice that you let the Girls keep us company. I'm sure they were hoping to help in some way. Nice that you included them. And the eye candy you provided with this post was delicious...ooh, la, la.
Thank you and good night - thanks to you, my sweet dreams are starring both Idris and Daniel.
Therese Bourne
Oh welcome back Karen. I have missed you, and your first post has made me snort - it was so worth the wait. Idris Elba - nice choice, and backed up with Daniel Craig, hmmmm. If you get his email address and it doesn't work out, let me know. Not sure what my Mr. B would think of that though . . . .
Akeimi
So funny, I think he's pretty sexy too but a girls gotta enjoy her space. Good for u!
Jerrica
I was so happy to see you on my reader again! It's good to have you back :)
Marti
............And we're back! WITH A ROAR!!!
dc is married... fancy being the other woman?
monique
you go girl.i have been waiting here in the netherlands for you!! .....-monique
Mondo
oh Karen, you've still got it and oh how missed it. it's fantastic that you're back on this day of all days. I'll consider your return a birthday gift to me. and by the by, please send Idris Elba's sweating, farting, snoring body my way. I will be eternally grateful. thank you and good night.
Karen
Hah! ~ k!
Meg
Johnny Depp isn't prettier than you are.
You are most definitely a catch.
I am glad to see you writing again, but at the same time I hope you are as well as this post would make us believe. I was heartbroken for you when you wrote your post-fella post, and I know it wasn't a vacation you just took. Take more time if you need it. Welcome back.
<3
Karen
Meg - Nope. I"m surprisingly well. Of course I still have my moments of insanity but ... I'm doing well. ~ karen!