Bacon Wraps, a belly ache & The Pork Council

I told you Monday about all the new things I got over the holidays but I totally forgot about the most spectacular.

This big black tongue.

 

 

black-tongue

 

You were expecting a photo of Idris Elba weren’t you?

Let me tell you exactly how this came about.

The holiday season begins around the time of Thanksgiving for most people.  Even in Canada where Thanksgiving is a month before the American holiday.  Once it’s over, shortbread cookies and expensive cheeses and great big boxes of Poppycock start appearing in grocery stores.  All the delicious things that only appear during the holiday season.  Even the things that are there all year round that I would never think of buying seem tempting: pigs in a blanket, frozen spring rolls, toilet paper.  Just kidding.  I buy frozen spring rolls all the time.

I love it all and happily throw it into my grocery cart from October to the end of December.  I try very, very hard not to eat these things.  Just being able to look at them in my fridge is almost satisfying enough. Only it isn’t and I scarf everything down until it’s gone and I don’t feel well.

And I do this Every. Single. Day.  Some days are worse than others and I really do have a pretty good grip on it until the middle of December when I can’t hold off anymore and throw shortbread cookies into my mouth one after the other, my arms swinging around like windmills.  I’m actually too embarrassed to tell you about the bacon wrap episode.

Back to the black tongue.  One night before bed after filling my belly with enough nitrates to preserve a full sized marching band I realized I wasn’t feeling tip top.  You know?  I was a bit woozy in fact.  So I pulled on my ugliest flannel pajamas, a warm pair of socks and padded my way down to the medicine cabinet.  I found some Pepto Bismol chewable tablets that I had bought for our trip to Thailand.  I brushed my teeth, fluffed up my hair a bit in case tonight was the night Edris Elba decided to take me up on my offer, then  made my way to bed.  Just before I fell asleep, clutching my stomach and cursing cured meats, I remembered the Pepto Bismol tablets I’d put in my pocket.  So I chewed them up and went to sleep.

In the morning I was feeling much better and couldn’t think of a single reason not to eat an armful of bacon wraps for breakfast, so that was my plan.  I would do that just as soon as I brushed my teeth.  It was in that early morning foggy stage that I looked down into the sink and saw black.  All my spit was black.  Really black.  I’m dying black.

So that was it.  That was how I found out I was dying from the inside out by eating too much crap over the holidays.  I was sad of course but knew it was my fault.  I wasn’t sure what to do next.  Do I call my mother and tell her?  My doctor?  I know. I should write a note to the Canadian Pork Council condemning them for making bacon so tasty.

Or maybe I should Google it.  So I did.  As it turns out Pepto Bismol has some weirdo ingredient in it that when mixed with saliva and left to fester will turn black.  BLACK.  The night before, I had chewed up my tablets then went straight to sleep. The residue from the tablets stuck to my tongue, interacted with my saliva and blammo, I had all the symptoms of someone who lived a life hard and was paying the price.

This was just like the time I ate beets and thought I was dying, and remarkably similar to the time I was sure I was double jointed only to discover I was very, very wrong trying to prove it.

So I wasn’t dying I just had a chemical reaction brought on by overindulging in a favourite holiday treat. Pepto Bismol.

Hey!  Wanna know how this story ends?  With me.   Heating up.  Some bacon wraps.

 
[shareaholic app=”share_buttons” id=”5342563″]




65 Comments

  1. Awe I miss you! I know I still get my emails, it’s just not the same… Whaaaa Ok I’m over it seriously dying over here that’s hilarious good thing you remembered Google in your panic! Lol good laughs

  2. Cynthia says:

    What’s Poppycock?

    • auntiepatch says:

      Caramel covered popcorn –

    • Susan Gruss says:

      Not just any carmel covered popcorn. It’s big fluffy popcorn, covered in carmel and loaded with whole nuts, not bitty little pieces. Almonds, pecans, depending on the variety, and they even came out with one drizzled in chocolate. Just the right amount. Mmmmm. I never share Poppycock. It’s hoarded away into I’m alone.

  3. Edith says:

    Ha, that looks gross and wicked! Hey, you could use that to play a trick on Edris after you know each other a little better. A LOT better.

  4. gloria says:

    Har!!! Wish I knew how to add a picture to this comment. I would send you the ad I found at the end of your post. The one that screams “Shocking Video!” and shows a woman doubled over, clutching her gut, with medical descriptions of her symptoms spelled out around her, and arrows pointing to the corresponding body part. And a close-up of her diseased tongue (which in this case, is white, not black). Not to mention a little road sign silhouette of a toilet captioned “constipation or diarrhea.” Did you plan this somehow?

  5. Agnes says:

    Please tell me you’ve seen the Portlandia 911 Beets skit?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kw2WsXIgO6A

    Pepto Bismol will also turn your stool black, fun fact!

  6. Valerie says:

    Your tongue looks similar to pictures of black plague mouth. You must have be terrified!

    As a side bar, Pepto Bismol liquid makes a great facial.

  7. Amber says:

    Um, just checking, because the wording isn’t clear… you didn’t eat the toilet paper did you?

  8. Stephbo says:

    Wow. That’s truly disgusting. And terrifying. Even worse than the black poop that usually accompanies Pepto. Nicely done!

  9. auntiepatch says:

    Too funny! Thanks –

  10. Grammy says:

    Good thing there’s Google, so Betty didn’t have to get a, “Mom, I’m dying…” phone call. That can ruin New Year festivities right in the middle of a perfect martini.

    Aren’t you just a little worried that Idris will see this post and decide he does NOT want that tongue anywhere near him? Use your head, Girl.

  11. Marna says:

    Scary but funny too! Glad it wasn’t something really terrible. 🙂

  12. Louise says:

    LOL! This is one of your funniest posts! I always like the gross ones, but this one was full of hilarious phrases (“Just kidding. I buy frozen spring rolls all the time.” “I was sad of course but knew it was my fault.”) and a really ghastly picture! It had everything I could ask for (that tongue really is HIDEOUS!) and now I shall go to bed and giggle my way into Dreamland. You truly have a gift – thank you! 🙂

    • Karen says:

      Thanks Louise! Funny thing is that was my tongue after brushing it! If you think that was hideous you should have seen it before. bleh. ~karen!

  13. Tigersmom says:

    I had a nightmare last night without reading this post first.

    Now that I have read it, I’ve decided my habit of reading you in the mornings instead of before bed is one I shall stick to since I need no further help or reason to have nightmares.

    Glad to know you’re not dying all the same.

    • Karen says:

      You’re saying I induce nightmares? That’s FANTASTIC! That’s a power normally reserved for Stephen King. And centipedes. ~ karen!

      • Tigersmom says:

        Your powers are stronger than you know. At least, the powers of your tongue, when its black.

        You also induce many other things, like coffee spitting and strange fits of courageous DIY and creativity.

        So, if you’re ever having a moment of self-doubt…just stop it because you have many, many skills and talents.

  14. Kim C. says:

    Bacon Wraps ultimately were the cause of Black Tongue but curious minds want to know, were they also the cure? 😉

  15. Su says:

    wow… who knew? thank you once again for information I had no idea that I needed and might use some day….

  16. stefani says:

    Gloria, I got the same ad. Very appropriate. Also there is an actual condition called Black Hairy Tongue. Ugh.

  17. SheriS says:

    What I’m dying to know is – What’s a bacon wrap? I have bacon in my freezer – can I use it to make a bacon wrap? What’s it wrapped around?

  18. danni says:

    There’s this thing called hairy black tongue, (true, google it) and you can get it by overindulging in yummy things like doritos… wake up in the morning and CRAP YOUR PANTS scary!!!
    Yes, I know this first hand.

  19. Ev Wilcox says:

    Did not know about the black side of Pepto. Good to know! Have to go now, and find a recipe for “bacon wraps”.

  20. Loo Loo says:

    Absolutely hilarious!! I was eating my breakfast and almost spit it out. Oh and Idris Elba is Deliiiiiissssshhhh on like a trillion levels.

  21. Cindy says:

    I discovered the black tongue phenomena quite a while ago. I’m the only one in our house who uses Pepto so I just drink it straight from the bottle. I know it’s not hygenic, don’t judge me! I always thought that washing it down with water would dilute it so I’d go to bed with the taste of Pepto in my mouth. In the morning, black tongue and happy belly. I think it’s a fair trade.

  22. Patti H says:

    I had the same experience with Pepto Bismol many, many years ago. Before Google. Before Al Gore invented the Internet.
    Scary? Yes. After the second night of taking the Pepto, I figured out that it caused it. Too bad that little fact isn’t on the packaging.

  23. Jeanie burch says:

    Dr. Google is the best – he’s my doctor too. Yep, I knew about Pepto turning your tongue black and I learned the same way you did.

  24. Carswell says:

    Scared the life out of me the first time that happened. LOL.

  25. Haha The bacon wins…all the time!

  26. Carol Hogan says:

    I couldn’t concentrate on this post because all I could think about was Idris Elba. . .

  27. janpartist says:

    I am going to a Traditional Chinese Medicine doctor who looks at your tongue for a diagnosis. That totally is a scary tongue.

    PS-I’m pretty sure your digestive meridians are blocked also (gall bladder, spleen, stomach etc) probably need some acupuncture. 🙂 (But, what do I know, I’m new to this)

  28. Paula says:

    Loved the arm/windmill visual 🙂

  29. Teddee Grace says:

    Time for dandelion. You can get it in pill form. Cleans up your liver in no time.

    • Kim from Milwaukee says:

      Teddee Grace, please do tell me more….I never knew…and once it’s clean do I have to stop drinking?

  30. Elen G says:

    I have to remind Mr G not to “call 911” (Agnes!) every time beet season rolls around. Funny post, Karen. That sad part is we’ll do it all over again next Christmas. 😉

  31. Amy in StL says:

    I had the black tongue one morning years back. I was in a class in northern Montana and we overindulged at the local watering hole one night after class. We didn’t have smart phones or laptops so I had to just hope I was okay and go down to breakfast. I didn’t really feel that well and I didn’t know if it was from the night before or if I was dying. I mentioned it to a classmate at breakfast and his wife knew that aluminum in Pepto turns your tongue black and guessed that I’d taken Pepto before bed. I still didn’t feel well but at least I could finish the class since I wasn’t dying.

  32. Louise says:

    Karen, I was actually concerned about the “cracks” in the middle of your tongue and looked it up to see if it was a sign of something ominous. For anyone else who was worried, it’s usually hereditary and not a symptom of something else. I said “USUALLY.” (Cue the scary music!) It can also be a sign of having ingested too much hot, spicy or acidic food or dry, salty nuts.

    ***** But here’s the best part; it’s known as SCROTAL TONGUE!!! 🙂

  33. Cynthia says:

    “SCROTAL TONGUE”…I love it. (I am always offering to run my husband’s scrotum through the overlocker to tidy it up a bit).

    On bacon wraps girls, they are the most yummy snack or meal I have ever had and now I have to make some, of course. You will not regret the little bit of effort. Making a big batch for the freezer would be a great idea.

    I want some Poppycock now. I have to know, is it in clumps stuck together or is it all loose. Is the caramel a bit sticky or toffee-like and crunchy?

    I was going to ask what kind of packet it comes in. I’ll google it right now as I lay in bed with my morning cup of tea.

    Oh, so many delights of life are brought to us all through Karen.

  34. Kathryn says:

    I get the black death mouth too! I immediately went into, “well, this is it” mode the first time, but now I just expect it. I’ve tried drinking a glass of water after chewing the tablets before bed, but no go. Still a mouthful of coal in the morning.

    I guess what I’m saying is, thanks for being as gross as me.

    • Louise says:

      “. . . thanks for being as gross as me.” LOL! I think we all thank Karen for that! (Didn’t she mention boogers at one time?)

  35. Shauna says:

    Probably already said in the comments, but it also can turn your poop black – so don’t panic when that happens next:)

  36. Linda says:

    GAAAA! Why did you have to mention centipedes!!!???? I found one that was 4 inches long in my kitchen sink, the kitchen is next to my bedroom…..now I’M going to have nightmares!!!

  37. christine says:

    Well this will up the sales of Pepto.I am going to buy some just to try for the black tongue.With beets for dinner on the same night.It is so easy to amuse me.

  38. Nancy Blue Moon says:

    Is it acceptable to eat Poppycock with a Scrotal Tongue??

  39. Janet says:

    Bacon wrapped Idris Elba…now there’s a vision…what can’t you wrap in bacon???

  40. Cynthia says:

    OK, I just ‘googled’ Idris Elba. I thought he might be the guy on the horse in the soap or after shave ad. Nope.
    Yeeeh! He looks OK, maybe he’s a smoothie.

    Let’s talk about our favourite TV/movie “boyfriends”.

    Mine is Timothy Olyphant from “Justified” (great show) and another actor from the same series named Walton Goggins. Something about naughty boys with long, long legs, skinny jeans and a southern drawl.

  41. Paula says:

    I am so glad I read this post as well as all the comments. Anything that makes a person laugh out loud is wonderful and you, Karen, as well as your readers are wonderful!

  42. This same exact thing happened to me a few weeks ago. Totally freaked me out the next morning, until I remembered it had happened one time before years ago after chewing the Pepto tablets. Freaky, right? They should put a warning on the box “warning: if you don’t brush your teeth & tongue after chewing these tablets, you will wake up with zombie mouth”.

  43. Susan says:

    Poppycock sounds really good but I don’t think it would sell very well in South Louisiana. Around here that’s how you say Bull S… if you are trying to be nice at the same time. Yes, you can do both at once.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Optionally add an image (JPEG only)

  • About Karen

  • About Karen

  • My Latest Videos

Pin1
Share9
The Art of Doing Stuff