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And ANOTHER Thing About a Brazilian Wax!
There is absolutely no predicting people. People who read DIY blogs, this one in particular, are as unpredictable as a cat in a butterfly conservatory. If someone were to run into any single one of you they'd probably think you were a perfectly respectable person at first glance. A stand up citizen who refills their gas tank before it gets below ¼ of a tank and who wears different underwear every single day.
But you're not. You're a bunch of teenage boys. A gaggle of pimply faced, adolescent teens, standing in front of the mirror looking at the 4 hairs on your upper lip which look exactly like the 4 hairs on the upper lip of your younger sister, only you've put a little mascara on yours to make them look more lush. Which will attract all kinds of praise while you hold your place in line for the next Star Wars movie.
A few weeks ago I ran out of things to talk about so I posed a vocabulary question to you in a well researched and articulated post where I talked about pee pees.
Here's a picture of a kitten for those of you who are getting uncomfortable.
A lot of you get my posts by email. Every time I publish a new post, it immediately pops into your inbox. I can judge how much interest a post has generated based on how many of you open that email and then how many of you click on it to read it further.
You, the mothers, the wives, the daughters, the fathers, the uncles and brothers clicked on the pee pee post more than almost any other post in a year. So even though you claim to be interested in the more highbrow topics I offer such as The Frozen Yogourt Tampon you actually just want to learn everything you can about wieners.
The post, in case you somehow missed it, was a linguistic experiment of sorts, requiring readers to state what terms they use to describe a certain male body part. Like all of my posts, it was done in a most grown up and tasteful way which was instantly recognizable by the fact that I only used the word gonorrhoea once.
I also had a record number of people opt out of receiving my informative emails after the pee pee post was published, which is GREAT because it means you and I can continue to be fun and laugh and build things and make fart jokes without worrying about any people with actual standards trying to stop us from educating ourselves on topics of global importance like why getting a full Brazilian wax means you'll never be able to muffle your toots.
It's a well known fact that Brazilian waxes (distinguishable from regular waxes by the Brazilian waxer's calling card, a crown made out of pubic hair ) involve removing all the bodily hair that runs between your chin and your toes. Front and back. Yes, that includes the anus. You probably didn't realize that those hairs serve, especially for ladies, a very important sanitary purpose.
When a lady expels gas from her bum hole, those anus hairs gather together and form a loving, hairy, sound muffling hug around what has the potential to be an embarrassing bodily noise. The hazy, wind blowing out of her bum at 7 mph can only be blamed on her husband, cat, dog or boss who happens to be standing beside her in the elevator if, and ONLY IF she can muffle the sound.
Once unceremoniously ripped up from the gas belching volcanus they've been guarding since adolescence, there's nothing left to do their job. Those hairs that have been stoically muting your lady wind chamber are forever released from their duties, or at least until new ones grow back. Without so much as a thank you or an excuse me.
While most people have a difficult time distinguishing where sounds come from; Is that my cell phone ringing or yours?, Is someone at the front door? Is that the television or are you talking to your mother again? humans have an uncanny ability to pinpoint exactly which bum a wind tornado escaped out of. I suspect it's some sort of primal instinct dating back to when cavemen first tried out the pull my finger joke on their wives.
I just thought it was important to let you know about the potentially embarrassing side effects of a Brazilian wax for anyone who was thinking of getting a Brazilian wax because you think *hair* is embarrassing. At least this way you'll be prepared for what's to come and might even be able to look into low cost solutions like little wearable anal wigs or something of the sort. Putting a shredded wheat down there might even do the job.
It is unfortunate that we lost a few of our ever growing members but we can all take solace in the fact that they are currently mortified in an elevator surrounded by a cloud of green gas with nobody to blame but themselves.
Have a good weekend!
p.s. that oughtta get rid of the last of them.
I cant even type.....?
Karen, I don't know how I first found you. but I am so happy that I did.
keep being you.
I just learned you are never too old to learn something.
I like your style.
Karen, how could anyone be disappointed or upset with these recent discussions? I mean after all, what is the Canadian national animal? Please continue.
OMG! With that one I am definitely a lifer! Thanks for making me laugh today!
That's why I read your blog - I always learn something. On a divergent, yet related note, the other night during rehearsal, my church choir director asked to hear "the lady parts". I was the only one who snickered, while everyone else was mature. Luckily, I sing with the men. It's hard to sing while snickering.
You were the only one!! Thats more hilarious!
I love you Karen. I laughed so loud my husband came to see what was going on and I had to share the post with him. If you ever want to visit Regina (the home of the RCMP, the city that rhymes with fun and Deadpool's hometown) let me know. Saskatchewan is an amazing province and I have a lovely guest room for you and will tour you around.
I have just ONE question: How HAIRY is your anus!?!
Not only are you funny as hell, but I always learn something from your blog posts. Like today - I wasn't even aware that there was such a thing as or a need for anal wigs. Hmph. Who knew, right? So, no. I won't be leaving.
My husband did NOT appreciate my reading this to him over breakfast.
LMAO and spitting coffee out my nose onto my keyboard just when I had taken it off to wash it, not my nose the protective skin that I had to purchase when I first found your blog dear Karen. The hell with those sissies! If they can't take a little pee pee humor who needs them. And I still from time to time view your Frozen Yogurt Tampon, my favorite. Nope, you are stuck with me forever!
Bahahaha! Vocanus! Shredded Wheat!
Ahhhhhh!
olordy...the boutique next to the hardware store closed and has been replaced by "The European Wax Salon" which I have just tried to ignore. But now I have to wonder...and wonder...and hold my breath as I pass (er, walk by, that is!)...just in case....
Wow. I'm already super disappointed in many people I know-now I have to be disappointed in some people I don't know! You had readers jump ship for that post? Well, they must have not been all that to begin with. One of the first posts I read of yours was the popsicle tampon cure. It was funny. You are funny. And oh so smart on many levels. I suspect you have been a little wounded by all this. Please try to just let it go. I have never found passing gas to be funny, so I guess I am a prude. But a lot of people seem to think it is funny, and that is fine with me. Your posts are one of my favorite things ever. Penis penis penis! They can just suck it-or not, probably!
NO! I'm not sounded Ev, lol. Not at all. I'm happy when someone unsubscribes. It means they don't like it around here and if they don't like it around here it's best not to have them here, if that makes sense to you. So no, not at all wounded. Not by unsubscribers anyway, lol. It's a lesson anyone new to blogging should take. See unsubscribes as a positive not a negative because it means your group is being condensed into people who really like what you're doing and saying. ~ karen!
hear, hear!!! i totally agree. rather have them leave before they poison the atmosphere with snarky comments.
farting, the most natural thing there is. the boys would have competitions on who done it best and be all proud of themselves. but as soon as i "chime" in they get all piqued. damn double standards!
if it doesn't pay rent, it's gotta go, that's what i always say when i'm a'tootin'
have a great weekend
karin
Karin, that's hilarious and Imma borrow that, " if it doesn’t pay rent, it’s gotta go."
better an empty houe than a bad tennant
LOL
Hi Karen, I just wanted to tell you since you said it was a record number that opted out...there may have been more to that. I got that email and read that post....and a little while later....maybe a week or so, I realized that I hadn't gotten any emails from you. I went back to check and see if you had been posting and sure enough you had. I never opted out...and had to sign back up for your emails...so...maybe something went amiss?
There is the odd glitch with Mailchimp for some reason. I'm not sure what it is but the odd time I do get people saying they stop getting my emails for some reason. I've asked Mailchimp about it and they don't seem to know what the problem is. :/ It doesn't happen a lot but it does happen ... Sorry for the interruption in my posts! ~ karen!
Same happened to me with the emails
Love your blog as all the stories Karen, keep em coming. Good to be connected again. Happy new Year.
I'm sticking with you Karen, never had a better start to my days. You are the best. Love your posts and like I always say, you are my inspiration. Keep it up.
Oh, now I'll bet you wish you hadn't trimmed all those glorious nose hairs! Like those hairs protecting that chocolate starfish, they could have helped prevent the uncomfortable problem of coffee streaming from your nose. 😄
Karen you are too funny! I had tears streaming down my face I was laughing so hard! The ...topics of global importance...sentence is what got me! So, so funny!
Is no one else going to ask for a post for names used for our 'lady bits'? Isn't it only fair, now that we've identified a distinct interest in naming men's junk, that we give equal time to our stuff? It could go a long way in reclaiming all those derisive words used as insults.
And for sure weed out the rest of the faint of heart.
Glad to see 'em go, we don't need their prissy tight-lipped mugs around here!
LOL. ~ karen!
Not only was today fun for the naughty bits but for your excellent writing skills! Well done.
Oh yeah, and the kitten - that made it perfect.
Thank you Mary. W ~ karen!
Have a great weekend, Karen!
Thanks Jodi! ~ karen