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And ANOTHER Thing About a Brazilian Wax!
There is absolutely no predicting people. People who read DIY blogs, this one in particular, are as unpredictable as a cat in a butterfly conservatory. If someone were to run into any single one of you they'd probably think you were a perfectly respectable person at first glance. A stand up citizen who refills their gas tank before it gets below ¼ of a tank and who wears different underwear every single day.
But you're not. You're a bunch of teenage boys. A gaggle of pimply faced, adolescent teens, standing in front of the mirror looking at the 4 hairs on your upper lip which look exactly like the 4 hairs on the upper lip of your younger sister, only you've put a little mascara on yours to make them look more lush. Which will attract all kinds of praise while you hold your place in line for the next Star Wars movie.
A few weeks ago I ran out of things to talk about so I posed a vocabulary question to you in a well researched and articulated post where I talked about pee pees.
Here's a picture of a kitten for those of you who are getting uncomfortable.
A lot of you get my posts by email. Every time I publish a new post, it immediately pops into your inbox. I can judge how much interest a post has generated based on how many of you open that email and then how many of you click on it to read it further.
You, the mothers, the wives, the daughters, the fathers, the uncles and brothers clicked on the pee pee post more than almost any other post in a year. So even though you claim to be interested in the more highbrow topics I offer such as The Frozen Yogourt Tampon you actually just want to learn everything you can about wieners.
The post, in case you somehow missed it, was a linguistic experiment of sorts, requiring readers to state what terms they use to describe a certain male body part. Like all of my posts, it was done in a most grown up and tasteful way which was instantly recognizable by the fact that I only used the word gonorrhoea once.
I also had a record number of people opt out of receiving my informative emails after the pee pee post was published, which is GREAT because it means you and I can continue to be fun and laugh and build things and make fart jokes without worrying about any people with actual standards trying to stop us from educating ourselves on topics of global importance like why getting a full Brazilian wax means you'll never be able to muffle your toots.
It's a well known fact that Brazilian waxes (distinguishable from regular waxes by the Brazilian waxer's calling card, a crown made out of pubic hair ) involve removing all the bodily hair that runs between your chin and your toes. Front and back. Yes, that includes the anus. You probably didn't realize that those hairs serve, especially for ladies, a very important sanitary purpose.
When a lady expels gas from her bum hole, those anus hairs gather together and form a loving, hairy, sound muffling hug around what has the potential to be an embarrassing bodily noise. The hazy, wind blowing out of her bum at 7 mph can only be blamed on her husband, cat, dog or boss who happens to be standing beside her in the elevator if, and ONLY IF she can muffle the sound.
Once unceremoniously ripped up from the gas belching volcanus they've been guarding since adolescence, there's nothing left to do their job. Those hairs that have been stoically muting your lady wind chamber are forever released from their duties, or at least until new ones grow back. Without so much as a thank you or an excuse me.
While most people have a difficult time distinguishing where sounds come from; Is that my cell phone ringing or yours?, Is someone at the front door? Is that the television or are you talking to your mother again? humans have an uncanny ability to pinpoint exactly which bum a wind tornado escaped out of. I suspect it's some sort of primal instinct dating back to when cavemen first tried out the pull my finger joke on their wives.
I just thought it was important to let you know about the potentially embarrassing side effects of a Brazilian wax for anyone who was thinking of getting a Brazilian wax because you think *hair* is embarrassing. At least this way you'll be prepared for what's to come and might even be able to look into low cost solutions like little wearable anal wigs or something of the sort. Putting a shredded wheat down there might even do the job.
It is unfortunate that we lost a few of our ever growing members but we can all take solace in the fact that they are currently mortified in an elevator surrounded by a cloud of green gas with nobody to blame but themselves.
Have a good weekend!
p.s. that oughtta get rid of the last of them.
I'm just going to say.. I think my anus hairs have been sleeping on the job. That, or I'm going bald from the ass up.
Oh, their loss! Can't survive snow days without your blog!
Karen, you are a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. I love reading your blog. Thanks for your humorous way of looking at life.
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Yes I love the D ?
Bha hahahaha!!!
Too many comments to comment on too. You're readers are a hilarious bunch too.
Karen, You keep it real, and fun. Yours is actually the only blog I read. Period. After all, I'm too busy to read blog's, but yours is too much fun not to read! The reader's you lost just don't get us. See how I'm kind of taking credit for your hard work? We're kindred spirits, so I can do that. PECKER! ✌
LOL!!! I think Brazilians (which, as you know, is much MORE than a simple mazillion) are for pu---well, you get my drift.
So if one gets one of those procedures, what's left to catch the drips from one's yogurt tampon???
I mean really.
Lady wind chamber. I love it.
I FOUND you from the yogurt tampon post. I'll never leave you! Who else understands my chicken porn needs?
Too funny Karen!
That's my job Jude. :) Well, that and convincing people not to eat asparagus out of season. ~ karen!
Well, that certainly was one way to clean out the cupboards! LOL Some people really needto push beyond those comfort zones and laugh a little.
Waaaaay to Funny! NO way will you be losing this reader.
Are you kidding me? Penis, wiener, and dink were offensive? Anus will put them right over the hairy edge.
Sitting at my office doing the quiet shoulder shake as the tears run down my face. I didn't get to all the comments, but asking: did not one person get around to asking Karen if her recent exploits in this regard have anything to do with a ball playing coach? Keep it up Karen!
What?! No, lol. No, no, no. ~ karen!
Oh, it should "your" commenters not "you're" commenters. And here I was bitching in my head about chaffing. It's CHAFING dammit. One F. Thanks.
You're so very funny!! And you're commenters are the best. The idea about going on Ellen is awesome.
But I have one serious question, I'm an older person, grew up in the let it all hairy hang out early 70s, and an ER nurse and people that are de-haired look like weird 4 year olds. Who wants to do it with them?? How did this custom develop? Somebody explain, I have no one else to ask.
Well, like everything I'm sure it started with porn. The trend now is to just keep things tidy and not go full frontal nude. No more landing strips, no more baby bald, just your basic neatly cropped triangle. In some circles, the 70's look is going strong but it's awfully hard to pull off in a string bikini. ~ karen!
Ahhhhh Karen .... just love ya!!! another fabulous post!!! Hubby and I just enjoyed the best chuckle after reading this!!
I had to forward this to my daughter out on Vancity. Fart humour is well loved on our family, so I knew she would enjoy it ..... and she did and forwarded it to all the ladies in her office. You just might be getting more followers!!! The young 'un also enjoyed the pee pee post, as well as all the comments ..... like mother, like daughter!!!
Keep the humour coming!!! and the DYI's and pics of your house and chickens!!!
LOL!!!!!!!!! I don't quite know what to say...... I'm reading this during lunch at work. I can't stop laughing. We are supposed to be respectable here. It's really hard when you fall off your chair.
Just in case there are any holdouts, or for those who would have fled had they read the post, but didn't read it, do a contest for the most embarrassing sexual experience. No names allowed, no identifiers as to whom the participants of the experience were. That will clean out the corners.
As others have pointed out, anyone who left because of that post wasn't in the right place, anyway. There was nothing wrong with it. Some people go through life looking for things to be offended about. Thank you for bending their noses out of shape. Keep up the good work!
go big or go home. I swallow rainbows and fart glitter. no wiglettes, no shredded wheat, give em a blast of rumble-tush they'll be talking about till easter. let me know if you need anyone to give ya tutorials of helping men keep their butter beans clean...
Karen, can I live in your back yard if I bring my own cardboard box? I'm embarrassed for my country and not sure I want to be seen here anymore.
After raising 3 boys (and 2 girls) and hearing more than my share of farts (and fart jokes), it's still a damned funny topic. One of the girls would, if the dinner conversation got too loud, would silence everyone to announce, "I farted". Brought the house down every time.