I know most of you think I'm weirdly perfect, like a super-funny robot with hair that grows. And I am. But I'm other things too. I'm also a super-funny Ninja with hair that grows. And as with all super-funny Ninjas there comes a time when I have to think about retirement. Not from being super-funny. Asking a super-funny to stop being super-funny is like asking a tree to stop growing or an asthmatic to stop wheezing.
But I feel like at my age it's time to slow down my Ninjaing. This is my New Years Resolution every year by the way. To slowwwwww down. To stop whipping around all hours of the day and night and hang out with the other Ninjas who have slowed down, discussing our past accomplishments over $1.99 breakfasts in a Ninja friendly Boca Raton strip mall restaurant.
I still like doing things, I love doing things in fact, but when you've been doing things your whole life, non-stop, there comes a time you'd like to not do things. Or at least not do them so quickly that your neighbours refer to you as a Chihuahua on speed.
Here's a list of some of the things I've done to my house in the past 15 years.
THE FIRST YEARS
The first year in my house I fixed all the weird things that the people before me had done. Like cementing the dishwasher that didn't work to the floor or covering up the "awful, stupid subfloor" with dirty carpeting. The awful, stupid subfloor was 20" pine planks from 1840 by the way. I ripped up, sanded, drywalled and painted every inch of every room, installed new appliances and tricked out the house with central vac. Let's keep in mind when I say I installed the new appliances I mean that I, me, installed the new appliances. I ripped out the dishwasher with the help of my sister and a random delivery guy that appeared at my door at the time we were doing it, and I bought the new dishwasher and hooked it up myself. The delivery guy said he couldn't stay long enough to help me install it. Something about this being really weird and not having time and unlawful and restraining. Something like that.
In the first years I also hired a company to replace my backyard fence which was teetering over like the cast of Shameless at an ankle monitor removal party. (open bar of course) The fencing company built one entire panel of the fence to be about a foot shorter than the rest of the fence and secured everything with nails that were 2" too long and stuck out the other side like a vertical version of a bed of nails. In this company's defence at least when they showed up to give me a quote they arrived upright and sober as opposed to the first guy who showed up at 10 a.m. smelling like Boris Yeltsin and leaning as far over as my fence.
That's the time I really became a Ninja, fixing, making and doing pretty much everything myself. If it can't kill me or permanently mess my hair I do it myself. That means things like electrical panels and roofing replacement are jobs I hire for while everything else is either done by me or at least attempted by me.
REDOING THE BACKYARD
Seriously. LOOK at the size of my biceps after about one month of hard labour. Crossfit can suck it. Just do shit yourself if you wanna get fit.
In 2007 I ripped out my entire backyard, everything in it and started from scratch. This wasn't a whim, like OooooOoooo wouldn't it be fun to haul ass, shovel dirt and compress my spine for 3 months? The same owners before me who warned me of the "awful, stupid subfloor" had done a really great job of designing the backyard with the worst possible material choices imaginable. I mean if they had chosen to pave the backyard with marshmallows it would have been a better choice than what they went with. The flower beds around the backyard were 1" thick cedar boards with no barrier between the soil and the cedar which meant it took all of around 3 years for them to completely rot away. The ground was paved with slate, which is a beautiful material when used either in a bathroom, hallway or high end Hawaiian outdoor massage parlour. It's not the optimal choice for an outdoor patio in Ontario, Canada where for 6 months of the year the ground gets wet, then freezes, then heaves, then thaws. Slate is all shaley so the second water gets into it and freezes it expands, basically making the slate erode and explode then eventually turn to magical slate dust. No seriously. It's like magic. One day you have a beautiful patio, and the next day you walk out to what looks like a violently sharp sandbox.
So I redid the entire backyard with more appropriate materials like flagstone and 2" thick wood for the beds. I also redid the pond by digging it out larger and changing the shape, adding some waterfalls and a few tiered levels. I've stuccoed the back of the house (hired people for that actually since stucco in my hair could probably ruin it forever), built a 2 level chicken coop and a really fantastic cob pizza oven. Myself. With my own two hands that seem to know the difference between a bottle of wood glue and a bottle of Vodka. They're also pretty good at knowing the difference between a 1" and a 3" nail.
I also had the redone fence redone again by a contractor I'd struck up a good relationship with after he rebuilt my historic porch and everything came out the same height.
REDOING THE ENTIRE INTERIOR IN A SINGLE MONTH
Not one to rest on my laurels or haunches or ugly couch, in 2009 I decided I needed to redo the entire inside of my house. Not because I was sick of all the things I previously loved, but because I was sick of all the things I'd previously hated. When I first bought my house I owned nothing and couldn't really afford much of anything, so most of my house was cheerfully decorated courtesy of the town dump, flea market or curb.
At the time of my big house makeover, I ran an antique booth at an open antique market so a lot of my curb finds were sold there and everything else was either gifted, sold on Craigslist or returned to it's natural habitat, the curb outside of student housing rentals.
With the money I made plus the money I'd saved over the years by doing everthing myself I took one month and redid my entire house. Painted the whole thing white, had a dining room table custom made, found a new couch, new accessories and installed the all important bookcase in my foyer to hold the books that had previously been stored under anything that was higher than 2". Couches, chairs, dining room buffets, the cats.
I flew through this project at such an impressive speed I considered starting a business doing it for a living but the only business name I could come up with was Speedy Interiors which sounded weirdly like a hipster laxative.
RECENT YEARS
In the past few years I've ripped out my front yard to put in a front yard vegetable garden, taken on a 20X40' community garden plot and redid my entire kitchen. I also switched over from pre-ground coffee to beans which may not sound like big deal but basically solidified my entry into the world of grown ups. My furniture was now "purchased" as opposed to dragged away and I ground my own coffee every morning while floating from room to room, head tilted back, laughing playfully in case someone was looking in my windows. I wanted them to see I was a well adjusted, coffee drinking grown up without a care in the world about having curbside furniture bedbugs.
LAST YEAR
Last year I made a list of what needed to be done like I do every year and started tackling it with the non-stop energy of a Ninja full of coffee made from freshly ground beans. I painted, stained, rehung lights, moved garden plots and lifted more slate. I nursed my chicken Cuddles back to health. Twice. All of this by mid-summer. And then something weird happened. I saw that the 10 year old garden beds around my backyard were starting to rot and I left them. I just left them to rot. I propped them up a bit, said a little Ninja prayer over them and wished them well until next year. Normally I'd be right on those garden beds, ripping them out and replacing them like ... well like a Chihuahua on speed.
But not last year.
Last year I said. Meh. I'll leave it for another year. Who cares. I was having a really good time taking care of my community garden and spending more time writing and talking to people in grocery stores about how yes, I am super-funny, and yes I do like it when they tell me that.
THIS YEAR
Which brings me to this year. Here it is January 4th. The entire year of doing stuff stretching out before me at the exact same time I've decided it's time to semi-retire from being a nutcase. What to do, what to do. I know I'm dying to get this whole house cleaned up from top to bottom, and like every January I'm thrilled to have the Christmas crap relegated to the basement alongside the Easter and Halloween crap.
In fact, I'd like to clear things out even more. After 7 years I'm kind of thinking it's almost time for another house makeover. Not quite as huge as the get rid of everything I own, rubbing my hands together and cackling makeover of 2007, but big enough that there's a dramatic change. For one thing when I made over my house, I never did find a living room chair to replace the one I found in the garbage. I've never liked my coffee table and even though they're crazy-useful I'm getting sick of the Ikea Billy bookcases. Maybe they don't feel like something a coffee grinding, semi-retired grown up Ninja would have.
My bathroom has never, ever been made over other than putting down heated floors, new flooring and buying a new toilet for it a few year ago. So that's one thing I'd like to tackle on a really limited budget. I'd also like to declutter the living room and give it a new look or feeling. I threaten every week that I'm going to drag everything out of the living room onto the front lawn and slowly start putting pieces back in the room item by item. Anything left on the front lawn gets a sale sign put on it.
Speaking of the front lawn, I also want to somehow make it look better. It's really hard to make a front yard full of sprawling, 10' high tomato plants look like anything other than a condemned lot that may or may not be home to Randy Quaid.
Then there are those beds in the backyard that I shunned last year. Those pretty much have to be done this year. It won't be as big a job as the first time around but it'll still be a big enough job that the neighbours should probably keep their kids inside for a couple of weeks while I scream my newly invented swear words from approximately 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. while also shouting out a lot of the old favourites.
Also on "the list" for this year are refinishing all my wood floors, redoing the roof of the chicken coop, building a couple of new gates for the backyard and building some sort of antique looking bookcase in my upstairs hall because my stairs are so narrow and my windows are so small I can't actually get anything up to my second floor. If I want a half decent sized bookcase I'm going to have to build it myself and I'm going to have to build it where it's going.
Let's review the year ahead ahead shall we?
Redecorate Living room
Redecorate Foyer
Spruce up Dining Room
Redo bathroom
Rebuilt planter beds
Reconfigure front yard
Refinish wood floors
Build some gates
Build an "antique" bookcase from scratch
That list seems kindda fun actually. I've got gates to build, bookcases to erect, foyers to make sparkle, living rooms to redo. There's a backyard that needs new beds, a dining room that needs sprucing up and floors that need refinishing. Also there's a book to write, Randy Quaid to kick out and new swear words just waiting to be invented. I'll slow down next year. I'm gonna Ninja the hell outta that list.
Look out New Year. Shit's about to get real.
ARE YA WITH ME?
Catherine
I wish you'd reconsider about refinishing those floors. From what I can see in all the pictures, they have a gorgeous patina. But, clearly, we can't see them as well and Ninjas only know what lurks in the dark corners or under the strategically placed rugs. Right now my only goal is to get the Taxes done and all the important documents and records scanned and shredded.
whitequeen96
Whew! With all this talk of slowing down, I was worried that you were going to cut back. Things just wouldn't be the same without our incredibly ambitious and productive Karen!
Boy, what a sense of satisfaction you must have when you look back at what you've done!
Nancy Blue Moon
Sorry I'm late..Loved seeing the old pictures..Wishing you another busy productive year Karen!
Leslie Best
I LOVE it when shit gets real!
Great post Karen. You are incredible and a huge inspiration! And fearless. Crazy ninja fearless.
I've got a few of these on my list too for this year. Looking forward to following along!
Manisha
Excellent news. I have to build shelves on my three-season porch so I'll be looking forward to your shelving posts. And I have to get heat in there so I can finally have an office. I got more handy in 2015. I wonder if that has something to do with you?
Cheers to stronger muscles in 2016!
Jen
I'm tired just reading that. And a little envious.
Cindy
I'm wid cha. Shit's about to get real in Oklahoma too.
Jess
Wow!!! Sounds like a plan. Inspired, I'll start when you do. Can't wait :-D
Beth
After reading your last sentences I found the words I was waiting for - 'Also there’s a book to write...'. I read 'Hen and the Art of Chicken Maintenance'. Amusing, fun, especially for a fellow chicken-wrangler, and you could write rings around that guy. The rotting logs can wait!
Marilyn
Lmao. Yeah slow down Karen would ya. You make the rest of us look bad.
Karin
happy new year to you, Karen and to all of us TAODS’. may it be filled with happiness.
i got worried a little there reading the first few sentences. you retiring would be devastating. i see i’m not alone with this sentiment. sooooo….. yeah…. don’t do that… like ever :0B
but yer not and that makes me very very happy. i’m looking forward to all those projects being done by you. and me - being a faithful TAODS’shipper copying some of them. bookshelf and redoing bathroom come to mind.
but first, my big project for this year is to get my butt home to Germany for a spell and get rid of those golly gosh darn credit cards. once that’s done, there is no reason why i can’t tackle the house, doing it strictly per your example.
thanks for being there and being who you are.
Kelly
Read the whole thing and only saw "book to write." YAAASSSS!!! Do that first!
Kathy
Look out to do list, Karen has relit the fire of the need to accomplish tasks and not just acquire them. I got you and I am on this. My range of abilities is less than yours but I can dig, plant, fill and sand, paint and imagine. Losing some weight has been great. It came to me that eating may take up to 2 hours of my day and could screw the other 22 if I did not strive to do well by my body as painting a wall or refinishing wood. You have inspired me to make 2016 the year my kids say, Oh you finished the............. Hugs Kathy
Jody
As I was reading your post I was getting scared. Really scared. Like horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach scared. I thought you were really going to retire or move or some other awful, stupid thing. But now I am relieved. Relieved that I will still be inspired by your ability to do stuff, make stuff, eat stuff. Don't EVER scare me like that again.
Wisconsin Gal
With that list, I'd make a call to Edris Elba. He may be able to lend a hand.
Andrea
That's 9 projects. 1 a month with 3 months off sprinkled in for vacation and project rollover (like rollover minutes but for projects that don't get done on time). Totally doable. I myself will take the retired Ninja route and we can compare notes next new year!
Tracy Martinez
Happy New Year! Can't wait to see all your posts about the new projects.
Marta
The thing is, if you quit, you'll go as spazimmy. Gotta keep doing, ne?
http://on.fb.me/1O0uP0d
MichelleR
OMG Karen
You call that list semi retired!!! you go girl. You're like the energizer bunny, you just keep on going and going and going........good to have you back
Mary W
With you? You got to be kidding! You lost me at the end of The First Years. I was completely out of breath after the Backyard and have been breathing oxygen for the rest of the post. I got up, sliced another piece of cherry nut bread, made another cup of instant coffee, and sat back down in my recliner. WHEW! My bird is singing wildly after eating her new treat, my granddaughter is busy playing with her new toys - babies lined up on the couch, bus full of "Shopkins" all over my dining table (cardtable set up since my dining table is full of crafting junk), and my dog is resting peacefully at my feet. I'm in my happy place reading about your adventures and loving all you post - I'm virtually with you, girl. You make my heart sing. Thanks.