A Trip to the Urgent Care Centre!
A Dramatic Reenactment.

I interrupt the regularly scheduled post to bring you …

 

Location:  Late summer, small town Canada.

August 23rd., 2012
Gym
5:45 p.m.

The fella jumps down from climbing a rope while doing a Crossfit workout. Lands on his foot funny.  Not ha ha funny.  Left out of the fridge too long funny.

5:46 p.m.

The fella realizes he has broken his foot. Considers his options.  A) be an idiot   B)  don’t be an idiot

Decides to go with A) be an idiot and …

5:46 p.m. – 6:30 p.m.

…  finishes his workout. Which involves running sprints. With his feet.

Sometimes I think if I were to cut the top of the fella’s head off I’d have a nice salad bowl.

6:50 p.m. – 8:15 p.m.
Home
The fella returns home, has dinner, cleans up, has a shower, puts his pajamas on, lays on couch, mentions he’s pretty sure he broke his foot earlier today. Pass the remote.

Beams with pride as he says “But I still finished the workout”.

8:16 p.m.

We both look down at his foot and burst out laughing hysterically. It’s the size of a St. Bernard’s head and clearly broken. I think we were both laughing at his stupidity. At least I was. We agree, based on it’s irregular colour and comical inflation it probably warrants a visit to the Urgent Care Facility. Generally speaking, the harder we laugh at an injury, the more serious it probably is.

 

Foot Fracture 4

8:20 p.m.
Bathroom

The fella insists on washing his feet so they’re presentable before visiting the hospital. Grabs washcloth, bends over, touches foot.  If you live anywhere other than the  20,000 Leagues Under the Sea ride at Disney World,  you probably heard the screaming.  The fella then declares,

“F&@k it. Doctors see infected assholes.  Let’s go.” 

8:50 p.m.

Checked in.

Foot Fracture 5

8:51 p.m.

Encounter interesting mix of people in the ER including Roller Derbying lesbians, a runner whose shirt is covered in blood,  a possibly deranged older man and a middle aged woman with her teenage son.  She’s reading 50 Shades of Grey.  In the ER waiting room.  And grinning occasionally.

8:58 p.m.

Mention I’m really thirsty and the one we’ve dubbed Weird Girl offers to get me a drink.  From the water bottle in her purse which she says she’ll just  squirt in my mouth.  Weird Girl doesn’t seem to have an injury.

9:05 p.m.

X Ray time.

Foot Fracture 7

 

9:15 p.m.

X rays done.  Back to the waiting room.  A flurry of texts from the fella begin.

 

IPhonetexts

 

11:59 p.m.

Enter second waiting room.  More waiting but in a more official environment.  With tubes and vessels for throwing up in if need be.

12:30 p.m.

Diagnosis.  Fracture.  Wrap it up. Take him home.

 

Foot Fracture 9

Next day

8:30 a.m.

Found this on the kitchen floor and a pair of scissors nearby.

Salad bowl. Great, big, salad bowl.

 

 

this special post is dedicated to everyone who has a son, brother, husband, father afflicted with salad bowl head syndrome.

Together, we can find a cure.

No we can’t.


115 Comments

  1. Lauren says:

    I think you should dedicate this to all those that have to deal, not only with our own salad bowls, but everyone else’s as well. Real crazies don’t even bother with urgent care. When his foot hasn’t healed right and he’s mad that he cannot do anything without pain including crossfit or sleeping, take him to an ER and really see some fun stuff!!!!

  2. nancy says:

    oh Lord help us, I work in an Urgent Care. Rocks have more sense than men do. Either they are in wanting anesthesia for a microscopic splinter removal or trying to walk on a fractured hip for 2 months.
    One thing about lesbians I am tired of lately: we frequently need to ask women of a certain age if there is any chance they could be pregnant. Perhaps there is an xray or medication required. And they get so angry that I would suggest such a repulsive thing! Sorry!!! I can’t always tell you don’t like men and you just can’t assume. Thanks for letting me vent………….

  3. Annie Kip says:

    Oh my goodness – I can relate. My beau just “decides” he is “done” being sick. And sometimes it actually works – so he keeps doing it. I guess this is much better than having a pathetic lump of beau laying around moaning about being sick!

  4. Susan says:

    What IS with Men and taking care of themselves? Sheesh. Universal.

  5. Beth says:

    oh my gosh…..my eyes are watering, my nose is running….and I think that I frightened my dog with my all-out-burst of LAUGHTER after reading “A Trip to the Urgent Care Centre!” as always, well done Karen!!! Then reading through the comments, once again I see my dog jump up from a snoring sleep (poor thing) because of my burst of laughter while reading “Sarah In Illinois” and “Jake”‘s stories…way-too-funny!!! Thanks…I needed that, and soon my dog will stop shaking and fall back to sleep.

  6. Jeannie B. says:

    Sorry to hear about your fella’s foot. I broke the bone on the outside of my right foot by just stepping backwards into a hole, while cutting the lawn. Ended up with a foot “air cast” that could be taken off and put back on easily. Was on crutches for a while, until it healed. Thank goodness for urgent care or the hosptal emergency ward. Karen, I love your observations of the other folk waiting for care and I love the stories from your blog followers. I hope your fella isn’t in too much discomfort.Maybe today, he’s sitting, with his foot elevated and reading ” Fifty Shades of Grey” while eating a salad. Cheers!

  7. Lola says:

    laughing hysterically that the ad on the end of your post is for a foot doctor…. “Professional Family FOOT Care Toronto FOOT Specialist”

    bwhahahahahahhahahaha!!

  8. Nancy Blue Moon says:

    OK..Now I know what that strange noise was that I heard last night..I thought it was a banshee crying but it was the Fella screaming in pain..The worst my guy does is bust open his knuckles when working on anything..vehicles..lawn mowers..whatever..Then he comes walking in the house and proceeds to show me what he did..It’s like you no longer have to shown me this as I know if you are going outside to work on something this will be part of the process..Plus I never really enjoyed seeing it..I was just being polite and supportive..Anyhow..Fella..GET THAT CRAP BACK ON YOUR FOOT AND DO AS THE DOCTORS TELL YOU..THERE IS NOTHING TOUGH OR SEXY ABOUT A DEAD GUY WITH MUSCLES!!!!! And I say this with the utmost affection..We would surely miss all of the laughs you give us..NOW DO IT!!!

  9. Chau says:

    My salad bowl forgot to stop taking his blood thinner medication before colonoscopy, so guess what he had to do it twice! LOL

  10. pve says:

    I am so glad to know that my husband has what I never knew was called salad bowl syndrome. He fell the day after Christmas last year and hurt his rotator cuff, proceeded to ski, to race ski and come in first.
    Funny thing is, he loves loves loves salad.
    pve

  11. Dianne says:

    Hi Karen

    I have an induction cooktop which is not compatible with pressure canners. Is there such a thing as an electric pressure canner? I understand pressure cookers are a different animal and shouldn’t be used for canning. My other thought was a separate element, like a hot plate, but don’t know if enough heat would be generated by it.

    Any suggestions? Thanks

    • Karen says:

      Dianne – I’m fairly certain there aren’t any electric pressure canners around. However, this is the perfect time of year to find a separate element for using just for a pressure canner. I just bought an outdoor element that hooks up to a propane tank for cooking down tomatoes. It’s President’s Choice and would work perfectly for canning, but I’m not sure you’d be able to use it inside. What with the big propane tank and all. You should be able to find a strong, electric single burner at a restaurant supply store. ~ karen!

  12. Laura Bee says:

    I tell ya…that’s the best term I’ve heard for it. Salad bowl..haha. I’ve been with mine for 14 years & I can’t remember him going once to the Dr’s. Not the time he crashed his bike & went to work that night. Couldn’t lift a plate but HAD to go run the line in the kitchen at the restaurant he worked at. Not the times he’s sliced his hand open-that’s what crazy glue is for. And he’s got a brother who quite possibly cracked a rib wrestling him for a spoon. Thank goodness they are both over forty now & are settling down a little.

  13. Vere says:

    wow I understand what you are going through! my husband had a weird lump on his lower back, weeks go by, me trying to convince him to go have it check, long story short, a 3 month hospital stay, experimental treatment on an hyperbaric chamber and a 40% chance of survival. Once he was okay I wanted to kill him with my own bare hands. btw if you want to see colourful characters nothing better than an Italian hospital, saw a guy ordering pizza because he didnt want to follow the liquid diet he was given, or a lady that wanted her dog to come visit her nevermind that she was in a sterile room, or the guy that had his barber come by everyday because he had to “look good for the ladies”

  14. Beth says:

    Karen – LOVE!
    Please tell me you were in a questionable hospital… like Ajax, or Goderich, which would make the “Questionables” there… well, less questionable.
    Wish you lived in London (ONT, obv.) – you two would be great dinner companions!!

    • Brenda j says:

      Hey… Ajax&Pickering is no longer a questionable hospital…they’ve come out of the dark ages (finally) and now have their own Tims. I mean..really.
      You want questionable.. go shop in Oshawa..folks cant even put on bra or change out of pj pants to hit the grocery or Walmart!! Scarey monsters. oooohhh.

  15. SK Farm Girl says:

    Sad to say, yet strangely proud, that I, too, am a salad bowl head! At least when under the influence of alcohol! A bunch of my besties and I got together to celebrate our 35th birthdays! There was a lot of vodka involved, we were at the lake so flip-flop were the footwear of choice! Did I mention there was a lot of vodka involved? We were walking around enjoying ourselves, immenslely I might add, when I jammed my little toe on a big piece of wood sticking up out of the ground. I thought to myself sh*t that hurt! Many hours later (and probably wayyyyyy too many ounces of vodka) and after dancing up a storm I sat down to inspect my little toe as it was now hurting – no throbbing. I screamed out loud at the sight of it! One of my besties is an RN; she took one look at my toe, which now looked like a plum hanging off the side of my foot, and said with a scrunched up face, “Ooooo that’s gonna hurt!” (Of-course her words were quite slurred). Everyone stood around and we all burst out laughing! One of the girls grabbed a mini rice cake and made a splint for my poor little toe! Now whenever he go on one of our expeditions, mini rice cakes are packed in the first aide kit!!!!

  16. Brenda j says:

    Had a buddy when I was a kid…broke his leg, wore cast. Rode on bike handlebars to get a ride home…broke leg through cast.
    He is without that leg now.

  17. Bonnie says:

    Oh yes… it must be masculinity in general that causes said salad bowl issues. Mine tells me, oh so nonchalantly one day as he’s on his way to work that “If I’m not feeling better tomorrow I think I’ll go to the hospital.” My antenna goes straight up because he doesn’t say “doctor” he says “hospital.” Turns out he’d been having chest pains for a couple of days. A COUPLE of DAYS…. Fortunately our doctor’s clinic is on his way to work. I told said salad bowl head husband if he didn’t go straight to said clinic I was going to divorce him. He did, walks in and says ‘Hi, I’m salad bowl head and I’m having chest pains.” He said he’s never seen people move so fast… Thank GOD it wasn’t a heart attack because if it had been, I probably wouldn’t have had the opportunity to harrass him to no end for weeks now. It’s been great material. Especially the part where he texted his boss to tell them his bp was elevated and they were doing an ekg. Not his wife… Oh yes. It’s been a great couple of weeks…

  18. ktr says:

    That is why I put casts on patients with fractures – not splints. Never trust patient’s – especially men/boys.

    Seriously though, he needs to consider the fact that he may need surgery if he continues to walk around on a fracture. Then he is looking at another 6-8 weeks of recovery after surgery. Plus rehab. Also, he may want to see a specialist to make sure he doesn’t have a commonly missed fracture/dislocation that often goes along with a fracture of that nature – missing it can cause a lot of problems down the road. But if he is like my hubby he will take ibuprofen and limp around for the next few months. And then 6 months from now when he is still having pain he will suddenly decide he needs to go see a doctor.

    • Karen says:

      ktr – Yup. That’s probably what he’ll do. The cast was weird. The back/sole of it was a hard, plaster cast … the front was wrapped. Had it been all cast he would have just got the dremel out. ~ karen!

    • Karen says:

      OH my GOD. Not a word of a lie …. I was just reading your comment to the idiot fella who said “Did you tell her my plan?”. I said, “Huh? What plan?”. Then he laughedddddd his head off. Apparently that’s been his plan all along. Wait for a few months til it’s unbearable THEN go see the dr. again. What an idiot.

  19. Andi C. says:

    Ha Ha Ha! I was laughing so hard – almost snorting my milk through my nose – this morning reading your post, and here I am doing the same this evening reading everyone’s comments. The best I could think of was the ‘fella’ I dated a few years ago who was helping me fix up my basement: height of fella: 6′ 3″. Height of basement: 6′ 0″. Subsequent hilarities when he whacked his head (twice!) on the 60-year old petrified wooden support beam which ran the length of the house so hard that he fell on his butt: priceless (and I will say OWWWW! on his behalf). Had to go upstairs and outside the second time, as I could not stop myself from laughing. Only to be outdone by the salad bowl a few years earlier who decided he would lift the addition at the back of his house by climbing UNDER that addition and jacking it up with the carjack from his car, with the help of his neighbour. Said neighbour’s wife and I went shopping – after we both handed them their phones in case they needed to call 911 in case the addition dropped…Gees, the things I am missing out on being single!

    Most importantly: Hoping your fella is on the mend, is back in foot wraps and will be able to put this without perm damage behind him.

  20. Pati Gulat says:

    MY salad bowl head called himself having a “cold” even tho he was HACKING so hard that folks overseas were calling to tell him that he was keeping THEM awake ! Of course it was STILL only a “cold” when he came down with a 104 degree fever. He was so hot I didn’t even need to turn on the central heat…but after all it was only a “cold”. It ceased to be only a cold when I told him he WAS going to the doctor or I was calling an ambulance ! He didn’t want an ambulance bill so we went and found out he had PNUEMONIA…ooooooh but it wasn’t just ANY old pnuemonia…it was DOUBLE WHITE OUT pnuemonia ! THE KIND THAT CAN KILL a salad bowl head ! Even then my beloved salad bowl head refused to be admitted to the hospital so he went home for two weeks, when he shoulda been home for THREE weeks…then went back to work TOO EARLY so NOW, 7 yrs later,he STILL has no wind. Such is the life living with a salad bowl head…insert rolling eyes here…

  21. Janelle says:

    This post and these comments are the funniest things I have ever read and I have ready some seriously funny stuff. You should turn them into an informative brochure and hand it out to couples (lesbian and otherwise) in ER waiting rooms.
    On another note, my salad bowl put the tar paper on the roof the wrong way (slippery side up) and proceeded to fall off the roof of our garage….and then….well, then…he climbed right back up there and did it again. Bruises for two weeks. Sigh.

  22. Raylynn says:

    I am still LOL at work with tears streaming down my face!!! Hope no one comes in my office.
    My salad bowl complains a LOT about little aches and pains so I have the “cried wolf syndrome”. I don’t believe him anymore. I am a nurse so he thinks I can fix anything! (Not) A couple of years ago he complained about his knee hurting one night. I looked and it was normal. The next morning he still complained with a lot of moaning when moving. He was headed out to coach my son’s baseball team and I told him not to be so dramatic around the kids since he might scare them. When he got home a couple of hours later, he pulled off his pants and called me to look. Knee swollen to twice it size! I said put your pants back on, we are headed to the ER. Diagnosis, gout. He still does not let me forget that I wouldn’t take him to the hospital for over 24 hours, but the boy cried wolf too many times!!
    Thanks for the laughs!

  23. jodie says:

    Excellent. I have a son that has salad bowl syndrome…. And he’s only 5, maybe there’s hope??!

  24. Marti says:

    Did he wear hoop earrings to the ER / Urgent Care (Which was it? Two entirely different things in the U.S. I went to Urgent Care last night. They don’t seem to have much “urgency” in our Urgent Care facilities here) as he seems to be in the Next Day photo.

    Must know.

    • Karen says:

      What next day photo? I’m confused. Either way he had no earrings in either time. He hasn’t had earrings in those ears for years now, but the huge holes are still there. Our area *just* moved to an Urgent Care vs ER system. Technically Urgent care is for broken bones, stitches etc. ER is for heart attacks. But up until a year or so ago you went to the ER for EVERYTHING. It was a mess. Problem is now every just goes to the Urgent Care or ER depending on what’s closer because people are stupid. So the Urgent Care, which is supposed to speed things up, is now packed with people having heart attacks and people who have broken bones / need stitches are still having to wait hours for care. Yup. ~ karen

  25. Marti says:

    I meant the crutches shot. Here, I think you could bleed to death before they would give you stitches at Urgent Care. They told me “no” because “it’s been more than 24 hours,” at which point I said “No it hasn’t.” But it didn’t need stitches. I got a tetanus shot and that was it.

    That’s a nasty looking foot, I must say. I am guessing the “Tough Mudder” did his obstacle course a day or two earlier. Otherwise, he would definitely win the “Toughest Mudder” sash at the pageant, yes?

    • Paulina J! says:

      LOL! I scrolled up to see if he was wearing hoop earrings and it seems that he is, but it’s actually the sign behind him!!!! So funny.

  26. ev says:

    Years ago my salad bowl cut the lateral side of his thigh. He and my son instantly forgot all boy scout first aid (he was a scout leader).
    Bitched and carried on all the way to the ER, so I knew he was sort of still OK. they took him in right away (lucky) and I did the paper work. The intake clerk asked me 3 times how he got hurt. I almost laughed out loud when i realized she was fishing for a violent episode, as “I cut him dammit!” I had to not laugh–she would have thought it was so for sure! So now when anyone in our family is doing something that could end up with an injury, we all declare WE are NOT taking them to the ER, no way no how!
    The salad bowl was a complete baby about the cut, by the way. Oh well, salad bowls….

  27. Megan says:

    My salad bowl jumped off the bow of our boat onto a sandbar and landed in the same kind of funny that your salad bowl did. His foot was so swollen, he couldn’t wear shoes. We finally went to Urgent Care, and the x-rays showed nothing. After 2 weeks of swelling, bruising and alot of painkillers, we went to a foot specialist who did more x-rays and found a compound fracture in his heel. He ended up needing surgery and pins and all kinds of stuff jammed into his foot! And now? He has to wear dorky old man-looking inserts in his shoe because the break made his arch fall. Send your salad bowl to the fracture specialist!

  28. Barbie says:

    I am so sorry you had to spend so much time in the Urgent care….we have spent more time than I want to think about in the ER with issues of family members! LONG boring hours of yes, watching weird people! Gotta love the Fella! AND his salad bowl! LOLOL

    PS: LOVED your texts! ha ha ha

  29. Jeni says:

    I am so sharing this post with my salad bowl when he gets home from work! My guy once broke his right foot severely riding motocross (pins, surgery, 3 day hospital stay) and went stir crazy one week into a required 6 week rest. He called me to at work to let me know he “made” it to work. He drove over 40 miles, on a high speed interstate, braking with his left foot and using one of his crutches on the gas pedal. It’s funny NOW, it was a punishable offense back then.

  30. Kate S. says:

    Somehow the best part of this is that he stripped the bandages and abandoned them (along with the offending scissors) where they fell. No picking them up and putting them in the trash, or even just on the table. Nope. Right in the middle of the floor is just perfect. My salad bowl head is famous for that trick, too. The second he comes in the door, he starts littering the house with random objects until he’s left standing in his underwear in a sea of mayhem.

  31. Moe says:

    You are freakin’ HILARIOUS! Thank you!

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