I designed my own Christmas cards this year.
Inappropriate? Yeah. Totally. Appropriately me? Yeah. Totally. Only 30 people got one of these cards so if you were one of them consider yourself lucky. Or unlucky. Take your pick.
I also have ridiculously inappropriate Christmas coasters hidden on one of my bookshelves. I know they’re there and I snicker to myself. If you come to visit you’ll have to search to find them but they’re there, horrifying the glitter right off of my nutcrackers. And trust me when I tell you it’s hard to offend anything that has the word “nut” in it.
I’m winding down here in the house of The Art of Doing Stuff. Like most of you, I look forward to my yearly vacation from about July onwards. It’s the one week a year that I truly take off. I don’t write posts in advance, I don’t publish posts, I don’t check on Facebook or Twitter or Instagram. Unless I’ve taken an especially good selfie where I look like I’m living a way better life than I actually am.
I truly try to make a point of going pretty low tech during the week between Christmas and New Years. I listen to music and lay on the couch and binge watch television shows. And no, a television isn’t high tech. A good way to judge whether something you own is high tech or not is to ask yourself if you can buy it at Goodwill for $5.
I’ll eat the bacon wrap appetizers that I hid in the back of my fridge. The same ones I told my Christmas Eve guests I had run out of when they asked me for more.
I’ll go to antique markets.
I might clean a bit.
I’ll probably install a little bit of quarter round.
I’ll make a door panel for the freezer in my mudroom.
I’ll refinish all my floors, build an antique wardrobe out of tree bark I found while chopping my incredibly rare but organic and sustainable Christmas tree, count all of the corners in my house, train my cats to waltz, relabel all my canned goods with Japanese braille, write letters to Kim Jong-Un asking him if he thinks “I got game”, design a line of couches for Ikea, produce a movie based on the huge success story of my “I got game” line of Ikea couches, start a support group for men who are going to have to shave off their beards sooner or later, invent gum and ask my neighbours what exactly do they picture when I say “a herd”.
I think it’s pretty obvious I’m joking about that last one. Everyone knows a herd is over 15 and usually applies to Alpacas. Who are cute and hardly make any noise at all.
It’s a bit late in the game, (especially for someone who’s world renowned for having game) to be deciding on Christmas Eve dinner but I’m still working on that. I had narrowed it down to French Onion Soup with a few appetizers but I put a lot of cheese in my French Onion Soup and cheese makes people farty. My house is small, my family is large. You do the fart math.
I know we’ll be having my Snowglobe à la modes for dessert because I just went out and spent all my cheese money on wine glasses to serve them in.
I hope you all have a great holiday and that you get at least a few days off from whatever jobs or responsibilities you have. I realize this is more difficult when you have children but only if, like, you have some sort of parenting code of conduct or something. If you’re a bit loosey goosey about parenting you’ll have an easier time locking them in their rooms for 4-5 days so you can get some rest. If they have a few cans of Boost and an iPad they’ll be fine.