Did Aunt Jean get her iPad?
Yes she did. In case you’re new around here or missed a few posts, Aunt Jean is my Great Aunt. In the past year she’s turned 100, lounged in the Cayman Islands and went swimming at Wasaga Beach. She also recently started to invest in wrinkle cream.
Takeaway #1 from this post, don’t buy newfangled face products the second they come out. Give them a century or so on the market before you invest your hard earned money in them to make sure all the kinks are worked out.
For her 100th birthday last year all Aunt Jean wanted was an iPad and you all had a lot to say about that. You too wanted Aunt Jean to have an iPad. She got it for Christmas. I think. I’m not sure actually. All I know is I went to see Aunt Jean the other day with Betty and she had an iPad. She was using it the way most people would. She was looking at porn on it.
Oh, I’m sorry I spelled baby photos wrong. I meant she was looking at baby photos on it. They aren’t photos of her baby in case you’re confused. She’s pretty peppy Aunt Jean, but at this point she can’t make gravy let alone a baby.
Let me tell you how Betty and I came about visiting Aunt Jean this day. Betty and I had to run to Lee Valley to pick a few things up. I go to Lee Valley all the time so for me, going to Lee Valley means running in and heading to the check out. Betty on the other hand doesn’t go very often which means she wants to look at every single thing in Lee Valley. Every book, every door knob, every kitchen gadget, every wood working tool. So an hour or so into this venture that was only supposed to take a few minutes we finally left with our purchases (some planting pots for me and a teeny, tiny rake for her). I just wanted to get home and get back to work but when Betty is out on the town BETTY IS OUT ON THE TOWN. Shy of giving her a livestock sedative, very little will slow her down once she gets near stores. About 2 km away from Ikea I knew she was going to pull a duck and veer right into the parking lot. But she surprised me. She didn’t. She said, Maybe we could stop in and visit Aunt Jean.
I said sure, then pointed Betty towards the Ikea so I could pick up one of Aunt Jean’s favourite food items, The Ikea Hot Dog.
Takeaway #2 from this post, the key to longevity isn’t kale, it’s the Ikea Hot Dog.
I also got a hot dog for Betty and one for myself. I also slipped one up my sleeve without Betty knowing, and ate it secretly whenever she was doing shoulder checks on the drive to Aunt Jean’s. Betty wouldn’t care that I ate two hot dogs, she WOULD care that I got two and she only got one.
When we got to Aunt Jean’s room she was asleep on the bed having an afternoon nap. We gently work her up at which point her eyes snapped open, she smiled and then, hand to heart, I swear to God, she sat herself upright by doing some sort of front somersault flip. Aunt Jean’s legs don’t work well, but from what I could see she has the upper body and core strength of an Orangutan.
Mid flip, Betty screamed at the top of her lungs, afraid Aunt Jean was going to flip herself right out of bed and out the window. She didn’t. Everyone calm down.
I gave her the hot dog and then we proceeded to look at photos. Both on the iPad and the old fashioned way, on a digital photo frame.
Plus we looked at photo albums which were filled with pictures of some young hot girl with big boobs she kept claiming was her.
We didn’t stay long but decided on the next visit we’d go down to the retirement home’s lounge and get drunk. Only Aunt Jean doesn’t drink so she’d have coffee. And I don’t really drink so I’d have coffee. Which leaves Betty who really does drink but couldn’t do an orangutan somersault flip no matter how many martini’s she’d had.
Have a good weekend and I’ll see you on Monday!