Die Orchid Die

I’ve gotta tell ya. I’ve never met an orchid I didn’t love. Teeny ones, big ones, purple ones, bug infested ones that tip over sideways a little bit.  It doesn’t matter. I just love me some orchids. Part of the reason is that even though they cost a lotta money to begin with, they stay fresh for MONTHS. They’re like a Twinkie on a branch. In fact I’ve been known to get sick of an orchid before it gets sick of me.

I’m sure you’ve been there. You buy an orchid and you absolutely love it.  It looks great!!  It’s in the perfect spot, looking all elegant and chic.  A couple of weeks into your orchid ownership you marvel at how it still looks as beautiful as the day you bought it. A month goes by and it’s not quite as cute anymore … it looks fine … but for no reason, other than existing, it’s starting to bug you. Die already you stupid orchid, die. Or maybe that’s just me.

Because of this, I’ve had to come up with a variety of ways to trick myself into thinking my old, pedestrian orchid is a new, exciting orchid!  I’m easy to trick so it isn’t difficult.  Try this when your orchid starts to anger you:

This particular orchid was just minding it’s own business, sitting on the kitchen counter when I assaulted it.  It started to bug me, looking all stupid just sitting there in it’s comfortable clay pot.  I was SICK of it.  Like a husband who won’t change out of his track pants for weeks on end.  Yeah, he looks cute and cuddly for the first couple of nights, but as time goes by he just looks like a slug.  So I changed my orchid’s pants,  tricked myself and now I’ve fallen in love with it all over again.

You’ll need:

An potted orchid

A large glass vase big enough for the pot to fit into.

1-2 bags of orchid moss

A beer glass or something else to rest the pot on and raise it up.

Orchid Moss, Vase, Stolen Beer Glass, Orchid

Step 1:

Place stolen beer glass (or whatever you have) into centre of vase.


Step 2:

Fill around beer glass with moss, making sure your glass stays in the centre.

Step 3:

Once the moss is up to the top of the beer glass, place the potted orchid on top of the glass.

Step 4:

Shove the rest of the moss around the pot.  This can be tricky if there isn’t a lot of space and you have fat fingers.  Use a knife or chopsticks to shove it down if you have to.  Try to keep the pot in the centre of the vase and remember to add a little moss to the base of the plant.

Step 5:

Admire your newly potted orchid …..

… and then go take care of whatever else needs to be done around the house.


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  1. Kathryn Hayton says:

    This made me laugh so much, not out loud as I have a baby sleeping soundly on my chest but it nearly woke the baby up anyway as I couldn’t help a little snort/chortle escaping.

    I have the exact same thing with a sudden onset of hatred for the orchid I just had to have to complete the look on the windowsil/mantelpiece/bathroom cabinet… and I always thought it was just me that had this strange bi-polar reaction to a beautiful potted plant and something I must never tell another soul… just in case they called the looney bus and had me dragged away in a big, thick, itchy straight jacket and locked up for life… erm… I guess. (ok, maybe that’s somewhat of an over-reaction, I’m guessing the general reaction, if any, would be “huh, how weird and very wasteful of you” … I’m sure I’d get a condescending look too.)

    I digress… reading your post gave me a wonderful sense of being ‘right in the head’ (as I surely must be if it’s not just me) AND a wonderful thing to do with that orchid that is currently being slowly starved to death in the kitchen. So thank you yet again for being inspirational and insightful. I’m off to find some of that mossy stuff and a massive vase. (As soon as the baby wakes up that is.)

  2. cyn says:

    you are goofy… what is not to love about an orchid? I have even kept mine alive for a few years just to watch them bloom again and see how long they last… I guess… but I am fond of watching grass grow too.. >**<

  3. rossinhawaii says:

    In hawaii I have the luxury of throwing old orchids out in the garden. With luck, in a year or two they bloom again and are invited back into the house (for a limited time). I also find that it helps to cut the stem off and put it in a vase. Then you can put it in a new fresh place (love them in the bathroom). You’re not stuck with that ugly part of the plant.

  4. Bethany says:

    Ok, so I’m fairly new to the blogging world, and I just discovered your blog last night. You are absolutely hilarious! And I hope you don’t mind, but I think I’m gonna have to use your quote about orchids being a Twinkie on a branch (I’ll give you credit if I must). I laughed so hard, I almost cried. Thank you for this little bright spot in my (new) morning routine.

    Also, orchids are my favorite flowers, but I can’t keep plants alive for any significant length of time. My husband says I have the brown thumb of doom. You know, instead of a green thumb. Anyways, somebody gave me a potted orchid after my son was born, and after a week, I was infuriated by it. Just sitting there, looking all pretty, taunting me with the knowledge that the moment I started caring for it, it would shrivel and die. Orchids are kind of smug, frankly.

  5. Lindsey @ Hot Polka Dot says:

    Ok so I haven’t laughed that hard since… I don’t know. I love me some orchids too. I’ll keep this in mind when I get sick of my next orchid.

  6. Jac says:

    This post speaks to me. My sister recently got married and had potted orchids for her center pieces. Now we are stuck with a million of them just sitting all stupid like around the house. They were pretty and fun at first, but now I hate them, almost to the point that I cant bring myself to water them. Then I feel bad and give them their weekly ice cubes (two ice cubes a week will water your orchid)

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