This is the story of Edgar the Spider. A Halloween tale . Get under a blanket, turn the lights off and prepare to be afraid. It's a Halloween tradition around here.
Sunday morning I woke up and declared it pajama day. I did this out loud, to my cats, while sitting cross legged on the couch with my morning coffee. Both cats gave their sign of approval by completely ignoring me. Perfect. Pajama day it was then. For the next hour or so I flipped through the small stack of decorating magazines that had been growing on my coffee table since August. By the time I got to the pumpkin heavy October issue of Country Living I realized I hadn't done my Halloween decorating yet. How fortuitous. Pajama day would be the perfect day to do it.
Mainly this is because although I love pajama day, I don't love sit around and do nothing day. It makes me feel sad and useless. Like a hotdog with no mustard.
So after my second cup of coffee I walked out to the kitchen declaring it Three Cups of Coffee morning with my cup held high above my head like a Viking. Again the cats didn't object, although one of them questioned me on whether or not Vikings held coffee cups over their heads.
Reaching up onto the shelf where I keep my coffee cups I noticed something barely moving on the countertop. I put my cup down and took a closer look AT WHAT TURNED OUT TO BE THE BIGGEST SPIDER I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
Just kidding. It was a tiny thing.
Normally I'd kill that spider no matter how tiny it was, but that day I didn't. I'd found a centipede in the bathroom a few nights earlier and figured I'd spare the spider, starve it out for a few days and hope that it would get hungry enough to eat a centipede 12 time its size should one wander past it.
I should mention that I killed the bathroom centipede. I killed it a lot. It was only little as well but that's no reason to not kill it a lot.
I should also mention the spider we are now speaking of is Edgar. Edgar my spider friend.
After the hullabaloo with Edgar, I stirred my coffee, tapped the spoon on the edge of the sink and made my way down to the basement. It isn't the prettiest basement but it has two advantages over pretty, finished basements; a) it's an entire floor where I can store things and b) it's so scary most kids would rather do anything than go down there. This makes for some very productive days when kids visit. As in "Would you like to clean the toilet, the weird gunk under the taps and the weird gunk in the eavestroughs ... or get me a single potato out of the basement?" 9 kids out of 10 choose the weird gunk. The other kid is still in the basement.
Even though it's a fairly big basement it's not quite big enough to accommodate all of my addictions. Between holiday decorations, power tools, scrap wood, seed starting lights, maple syrup equipment, silk screening junk and the stuff for various other hobbies and habits, there isn't much room for maneuvering. I found a spot on the workbench to set my coffee down while I started to move some things around so I could get to the shelves filled with my Halloween decorations. Other than a few wreaths and feather boas, everything is stored on shelves in Rubbermaid bins. That's on account of the great mouse incident of '98.
I put my hand up towards the top Rubbermaid bin, my fingers barely long enough to just grasp the edge of it. Standing high up on my toes, I was finally able to grip the top of the bin to pull it towards me. With a crunching sound my ring finger came down on something crispy. Figuring it was a leaf or piece of straw I didn't think anything of it.
I don't know why I was so stupid. I mean, you're not. You knew right away it wasn't a leaf or a piece of straw, didn't you? I on the other hand, had no idea.
Placing the bin down on the floor I could see a little scribble of something on the lid of the bin. I looked closer and then jumped way, way back when I realized what it was. What my finger had come down and squished on that Rubbermaid lid.
A 2 inch long, dried up centipede. And 3 of his friends.
I can't really describe the sound that came out of my mouth that day but if you really find it necessary to imagine it, I'd say imagine something between dry heaving and a snowblower.
I looked around desperately for Edgar but he was still upstairs and after a good 10 minutes of ageing, still just a baby. He couldn't help me. These centipedes looked like they were bred in a nuclear reactor, a proton pack wouldn't have helped me.
Thankfully for whatever reason they were dead, (being they were found in my scary basement all fingers point to dying of fright) but the centipede from the other day was proof they were some that were still alive, still breeding, and possibly mutants.
Also I had 3 centipede legs stuck to the tip of my ring finger, so there was that.
All of this added up to running out of the basement and cleaning the toilet instead that day. And the gutters and the gunk. Also I've been feeding Edgar regularly. Protein shakes mainly.
So that, is why this blogger didn't decorate for Halloween this year. And why she might not decorate for Christmas, Valentine's Day or Easter. And why she's likely to run out of maple syrup and screen printed tea towels in the next year or so.
Turns out the kids were right. That basement's a scary place. I'm sure in the next week or so I'll muster up the courage to go down there and clean things up. It's been a while since I've played around with my hazmat suit and valium anyway. It might be fun.
In the meantime, Edgar and I talked it over. How we can get the centipedes under control until he gets bigger. This was Edgar's suggestion.
Edgar's got a surprisingly agile sense of humour for a spider.
Happy Halloween everyone.
Gillian
My spider story. (On my brand new wee little blog.)
We must be in sync because I posted "real life" bedroom pics right when you posted "real life" kitchen pics. LoL. Of course mine is a work in progress.....anyhow....
I couldn't keep a spider. It would be killed a lot along with the centipedes. I wouldn't be in the basement for a year (really a week) either.
Gillian
Forgot the link. LoL.
You'll laugh at me. Everyone else did. I promise not to be offended.
I bought a new toothbrush today! http://poohbearsdragonfly.blogspot.com/2015/10/i-bought-new-toothbrush-today.html
Michelle
This post was very funny but hit too close to home for me. I have the heebie jeebies now. I found your blog when I was on an obsessive search for a glass front fridge for our new home in Scottsdale AZ. Umm ended up with a stainless boring fridge because of the creepiness unleashed when we moved a wall. Inside that wall and in every crawl space were pack rats. Dead ones, live ones, and everything they could drag into the attic over the life of the house. We have just now moved back in. The last straw???? Was when we removed the bath vanity and had two crispy skeletons underneath. I made your sounds and possibly ones audible to most of the USA. That moment I snapped and left poor husband standing there with the vanity on his foot. Did not return until every corner of the house was inspected and cleaned. Four months later...We now have new walls, ceilings, insulation and are $25k poorer. Soooo a GE Cafe fridge was grudgingly accepted and all of my wonderful remodel plans are on hold until more money is saved. But on the positive I found your blog and enjoy it! Just don't post any pictures of those very popular rat skeleton Halloween decorations. Yuk! Here's to Edgar!
dede
Forget the book idea. Yours is a big screen life. And I want to see the film. Write your screenplay. I want to be at the premier cuz it's my idea. ???????❄️?????????☃. xox,d
Deb Brennan
actually no....it was MY idea. I am now her agent, aren't I Karen?
Karen
Well, heh, actually Deb, I already have a literary agent. And in fact she read your comment and told me to tell you that if you tried to steal me away she'd put Edgar under your pillow. I'm not sure who that threat was for ... you, Edgar or myself but Maria seems adamant about keeping me as her writer. I on the other hand have hidden Edgar. Just to be safe. ~ karen!
Deb Brennan
Having Edgar under my pillow wouldn't faze me...in fact he would be a welcome change, cuz I know that spiders don't snore...ok then Maria...I will be Edgars agent then.
Jan in Waterdown
i truly don't mind spiders but hate walking face first into their webs yecch! Centipedes on the other hand are just about the grossest things. Never see them in the basement but they regularly run across the carpet upstairs, find them occassionaly in the bathtub and hubbie admitted to one in our bed. I would have gone stark raving mad if I had known that at the time. And some of them are freekin' big enough to put a leash on them to go for a walk, double yecch.
On a completely different note, I didn't get your blog in my emails this morning. Anybody else have issues? Or maybe Karen has defriended/banned moi?
Karen
You're the second person to mention that Jan! I'm going to resend the post I think. I know other people did get it, but I'm going to resend it just to be safe. Thanks. ~ karen!
Ronda
I didn't receive a post either, but found the new one as I still had Wednesday's open on my iPad. So, fortunately did not miss the fabulous (beautiful?) spider costume. And cats love chasing centipedes. Send THEM down to the basement!
SusanR
You have a natural gift, to be able to write. I know you have a book in process, or are working on a book deal, or both, and I look forward to the day it's published. Great costume. Would make a good book cover. Happy Halloween!
Ev Wilcox
Karen, is that your jammies you are wearing? Still having hee hees over that picture! Anyway, Happy Halloween!
Amber
I have been told that bleach-water is very hard on things like cockroaches because it eats the exoskeletons of insects--that wiping down a surface occasionally is good enough. It hurts for them to walk on it? "It burns.... It BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURNS" sort of experience. Also, food-grade diotamaceous earth puffed into things like wall spaces?
Anyway... good luck...
Linda in Illinois
Karen, you are an inspiration to all. Write the book by all means, it will be a big seller I'm sure. I myself try to never kill spiders as they are beneficial garden arachnids, and I even take most other creepy crawly things outside to freedom (depending on what it is and if I have gloves on) but I always let out a sound that has no identification to real animal calls. The hurl sound is pretty dang close with a shrill pitch of a scream especially if I don't expect it and accidentally touch it. Creepy ! Happy Boo day !!
Joyce
*giggle* *snort*
Karin
ROFL oh my…. Where to start with this awesome post….
First of YAY to jammy day, a friend gave me a set of light blue pj’s with bacon, eggs, pancakes and waffles on it. I love it! First thing I do when I come home is jump outta my street cloth and into my breakfast jammies. It’s a way of life really.
Secondly, I’m somehow relieved that you’re skipping the whole Halloween decorating thing. I did start on that awesome witches broom you made last week. Got me stick debarked and have a bunch o branches in the trunk of my car, so I’m getting there. But besides that, meh – not really in the mood for it this time.
Now, as for naming creepy clawlies, since there’s usually no chance of an introduction (unless the broom or towel counts ;0) we don’t name those. We do however have a chipmunk living in the tree next to the house that goes by the name Mr. Chips and there is Gordie the groundhog who waddles by every so often. We don’t name squirrels though, too many, too hard to keep apart. And of course there is Vicky the Volvo and Robbie the lawnmower. Yeah, we’re weird like that.
As for the creepy clawlies themselves *shudder* I do remember one time being stopped in my tracks on my way out on the deck, mouth running dry, heart skipping several beats, whimpering and mewling sounds coming outta me, staring at a heee-uge wolfs spider smiling up at me. It almost looked like he was waving a little top hat, but I can’t be sure cause my vision got blurry all of a sudden. Within seconds I inventoried the cupboards to see which glass would fit over that monstrosity, nauseously realizing that we don’t HAVE glasses that big. I whisper-yelped for my husband, who manly and heroically stormed over and stomped the living poop outta it. My husband is wearing size 13 but I coulda sworn I saw its legs protruding from under his shoe on each side. Geezum, I almost swooned after that episode.
And that although I generally like spiders and all things crawly, no ON me, heck no, but I like to watch them, behind glass preferably. I think they are fascinating and interesting creatures. I just can’t stand to be surprised by any of them. Like after we flea bombed the house this year and the first thing I picked up in the basement disclosed yet another vicious looking spider giving me the finger… basdards….
Lastly, I love your costume, it’s worthy of a good old coffee-spit-guaffaw-moment.
Have a happy Halloween ya’ll.
Happy Samhain too.
jeannie.b
I have a lovely cellar spider named " Robert" who is currently living in a ceiling corner in my family room. It's too cold to put him outside. And as for centipedes, they're great fun for the cats. Happy Halloween!
Barbie
.....I noticed you went strangely silent on the "book deal" up there in the comments Karen....hmmmmmmm! lol
Jodi T.
I try to never kill spiders. I think they are "good bugs" who kill the nasty bugs that like to drink blood.... Like mosquitoes...... I HATE MOSQUITOES.
Plus, I think Edgar is the perfect name.
Ev Wilcox
I am famous (infamous) with my family for not killing spiders. I too am glad to have the bug-killers work for me! I do scoop them up and put them outside sometimes, like when I need to do dishes and there is one in the sink. I also enjoy thunderstorms and windy days-do you think there is a connection?
Brenda
I went to a sweat once and the shaman leading it told us spiders were his spirit insect so I don't kill them BUT I do get right down there in there face and tell them to GO !
Glenda
I can deal with killing spiders but centipedes make me shiver and quake. Our basement, completely finished by the way, has had quite a few centipede visitors. My daughters would leave little post-it notes on the floor - Dad, (not Mom, they know better) I think there's a centipede under this cup, and a squished one under my shoe and there might be one under the couch. I would often turn on the light, see one shoot across the floor then turn off the light and run upstairs. Touching one would do me in.
Linda
Kill Edgar! Kill the centipedes! I'm so creeped out and crawly just thinking about spiders and multi-legged, biting, venomous, scratchy, jumpy, nasty creatures...well, I need drugs now.
Tigersmom
I'm going to be buggy all day now, thanks.
FYI Karen, I did not receive the usual email I get once you have sent out a post. I checked my Spam and nothing there either. You may want to check things on your end. Could be a bug in the system.
I will now apologize for using 2 bad puns in a row.
Beth
Another newbie fan here! Just wanted to join the chorus of 'please write a book'. Since I see you've read several of my childhood favorites that I still re-read on occasion, would you consider a children's book series? I used to read Junie B Jones books to my daughters when they were little, they were quite funny as I recall, but can't hold a candle to your writing. Maybe a girl detective series, a la Nancy Drew, and instead of a widowed dad, a single mom who is a DIY-freak with a creepy basement...
maggie van sickle
Edgar has a sense of humour???? You do as well my friend. Bahaha hilarious.
Happy halloweenie and good luck on basement cleaning. I am with the kids, clean the gutters. Just sayin
Karen
I used to live on a farm which meant I lived in a farm-house. Which apparently means you get bigger critters then your friends who live in the same town but who live in subdivisions. I swear centipedes are born and are teeny tiny on day one and are an inch and a half on day two! Even being a farm-girl could never mentally prepare me for seeing some of the legs still moving after you squash the things!! BTW Karen, it helps to have a dehumidifier on in the basement as the centipedes are apparently attracted to moisture.
Pam
I read this post last night and laughed hysterically at the story and especially the photo! I'm now back to read the always entertaining comments and have laughed hysterically again. A great way to end and start my day! I love that you named your spider Edgar. As a kid we did a 6 week cross country road trip and would get flies trapped in the car sometime. My sister (who was 4) named the fly Fred and thought that every fly in the car was Fred. Fred sure got around that summer! My other sister was stung twice by a scorpion while sleeping. (Lots of those creepy invertibrates in Arizona.) She felt something on her hip and swept at it with her hand and it stung her in both places. I have no centipedes or creepy basement in my apartment, but I am battling a silverfish invasion. Maybe I need to change my approach and embrace these critters as welcome friends and start naming them. Does Edgar work for a silverfish?
Thumbs up to the book suggestion!!
Brenda
OMG my brother had a fly named Kindy ... Pronounced like Cindy ... but with the hard K ... and we moved a lot and he'd always find Kindy in the car or hotel room or new house (sometimes 'sleeping' ) etc and we'd all have to keep away and not wake her - haha
which brings me to centipedes ... OMG those sneaky nuggets ... (Spellcheck thinks bugger's a bad word I guess and nugget's better) I was always led to believe Centipedes ate all the other bugs ... so don't EVER kill them OR the spider OR the centipede will die ... brothers 'o brother! Maybe it was millipedes?