Every Movie Sucked This Year Because They Weren’t Television Shows.

It’s Oscar weekend.  So why don’t I care?

The ridiculous gold statuettes I drag up from the basement every Oscar night.

I’m a bit out of sorts right now. Every year at this time I drag my life sized Oscar statuettes out of the basement, put on my most award worthy pajamas, plan my appetizers and get ready to settle in for 8-9 hours of fashion, faux pas, and cringe worthy acceptance speeches.

Normally I’d be getting all excited and desperately trying to get you all excited about this once a year event known as the Academy Awards, but this year …. meh.  It didn’t take a whole lot of thought to understand why I wasn’t excited about it this year.  Movies are dead. Scrunchie dead.

And yes, I know, scrunchie’s are desperately trying to make a comeback but to quote my hairdresser friend Andrea, “Comebacks really are about the trend itself resurfacing, it’s not the opportunity for those who have done it once to wear it again with glee.  You can’t find your youth hiding in a scrunchie.”

Truer words were never spoken.  You. Can’t. Find. Your. Youth. Hiding. In. A. Scrunchie.  Everyone knows you can only find your youth at the bottom of a bottle of Peach Schnapps.

Back to movies.  Maybe they aren’t  so much dead as on life support.  Television on the other hand is tearing around like someone gave it a shot of adrenaline straight to the heart.

 

THIS is the era of television.  Years ago people would say “there’s nothing on television”. And honestly after the disappearance of Fantasy Island, there really wan’t. Yeah, there was Friends and Seinfeld and The Cosby Show but where were the planes? The bosses? And Tattoo?  Nowhere.  Ergo, television sucked.

Then came 2014.  In 2014, the television tectonics shifted with the show True Detective.  What changed?  Two things.  Specialty channels putting cash into television and great writing.  Writing good enough that actual movie stars were interested in doing television.  Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson signed on to HBO’s True Detective and other movie stars started to follow.

Halle Barry, Rachael McAdams, Clive Owen, Anthony Hopkins, Jane Fonda … all names normally scrolling past you in a movie theatre. Now? They’re scrolling past you at the A&P because they have way more free time on their hands on account of their schedules.You see specialty channels only produce 13 shows per season as opposed to the over 20 regular networks produce. Less of a time commitment for the movie stars = more time to bump into you at the grocery store.

Now there’s so much great television people chain themselves to their couches slap on a diaper and literally watch entire seasons in one sitting.  Movies? I can barely get through the 2 hours without breaking to watch a television show.

In the past 5 years I can only think of two movies I’ve loved.  Really loved and actually remember loving.

Shit.  NOT a word of a lie, since writing that sentence I’ve already forgotten one of them.  Oh well. The most important one is …

Sing Street.

Didn’t win an Oscar, wasn’t nominated for an Oscar, didn’t even star anyone named Oscar.  But it’s the best movie I’ve seen in … well, possibly my life. If you don’t count every prison or war movie ever made.

I normally try to watch all of the Oscar nominated movies so I can actually enjoy filling out my Oscar ballot and watching the awards show but this year I only managed to get a few in, mainly because the few I watched (or tried to watch) were so abysmal.

Two Best Picture nominees I couldn’t even get through and gave up around 20 minutes into them (Call Me By Your Name, Get Out) and of the ones I watched, I liked them but didn’t loveeeeee them. Because of its performances by Woody Harrelson, Sam Rockwell and Frances McDormand Three Billboards was my favourite of the Best Picture nominated movies that I saw, but even *that* movie didn’t blow me away like any episode of Ozark does.

So what’s a girl to do when Oscar night rolls around and she doesn’t really care?  Double up on the appetizers and get some money involved.  I’ll be handing these Oscar Ballots out to my family members hoping to win the pot.

Click here or on the picture to get a printable version for yourself.

2018 Oscar ballot with black text and gold subject lines.

 

I’ll also spend the night with my laptop scouring Craigslist for some life sized Emmy awards.

Have a good weekend! Enjoy the Oscars if you’re watching them. ALSO, here’s a great printable PDF with Oscar Trivia too for fun.

 

49 Comments

  1. Lynn says:

    I have tried to never watch them sorry… just never seen the point . I either liked a movie or I didn’t and reviews of movies same thing. I prefer to go into the movie blind an make up my own mind. As far as them getting awards for doing something they get paid well to do well…

    • Karen says:

      They do get paid well but money doesn’t buy happiness. It seems like a great and glamorous life but in actuality it’s a hard life. I’m fine with awards. I’m just not fine with bad movies, lol. ~ karen!

  2. Donna says:

    Where was I all year? I haven’t even heard of any of these movies except Dunkirk and my son is out of SF I boycott all combat movies. Five years to go and then I can watch again. But I can’t waste one of your ballots though I appreciate the effort. Got to get back to whatever rock I’ve been living under. Did these movies all come out Dec 25? I do watch though. Never heard of True detective but I did love Seinfeld and now I watch Bib Bang and Modern Family on network tv and all the British shows I can get on Netflix. And longmire on Netflix. Though I was a bit disappointed in the final season.

  3. Tina says:

    Yup, I do tv and was just thinking tonight and wishing I had someone to say it to so I’ll say it now:

    SEAL with David Borneaz (or whatever) is really good! It’s a good story line and feels realistic.

    SWAT with what’s-his-name (attractive black guy with great eyebrows from Criminal Minds) sucks. All he does is cock his eyebrows and try to look stern. Everyone else overacts the crap out of everything. And the storylines are way to high school drama. I’ll pass.

    What’s everyone else watching on tv?

  4. Robert says:

    KAREN! I Feel personally offended by the fact that you could not even be bothered past the first 20 minutes of Call me by your name.
    Like seriously offended.
    Yes is not as good as the book but is a wonderful adaptation and if you have ever been a teenager with a huge crush that you can’t bring yourself fulfill for whatever reason you can relate. Yes is that good if you give it a chance.
    As for the rest you are mostly right it wasn’t a very good year for film, except for the Shape of water and Coco which I’m basically obligated to say are masterpieces unless I want my whole country to shunn me on the grounds of antipatriotism

    • Ava Easterby says:

      I’m personally offended she couldn’t get through 20 minutes of Get Out, which was probably one of the most brilliant horror movies I’ve ever seen, if not one of the most brilliant movies I’ve ever seen period.

      • Karen says:

        I tried. I didn’t like it. It’s the one movie I may try again though when I’m in a different mood. ~ karen!

        • Lianne says:

          I’m not personally offended but I hope you do try again – it was so, so good and I hope it wins best pic. (though I haven’t seen all of them – but it is the best of the ones I’ve seen.)

    • Karen says:

      Sorry Robert. I couldn’t get past the age difference of the two characters (which was made much worse in the movie by the fact that the young actor looked 12 and the older actor looked 40) Mainly I thought they were both a bit too pretentious for my liking. ~ karen!

      • Robert says:

        I’m partly joking, is perfectly fine not to like a movie but I do find abandoning a movie so soon rude Cloudy with a chance of meatballs being the exception because who the hell is gonna clean all that!? The rats and all the vermin? You know you’ll never be able to wash all the residues of ice-cream from your roof and all that grease is just a fire and break-all-the-bones-of-your-body hazard

  5. Mari says:

    To be fair, I don’t ever give a rat’s ass about them. The last couple of years though, oy! Even when the hubs and I get a chance to go to the movies there is rarely anything worth seeing. I say “rarely” because there was this one movie….
    COCO! OMG, it was amazing! I didn’t have terribly high hopes, but dang, they really pulled the heartstrings on that one! I literally cried three times (hubs AND the boy cried too) in the theater. And the special effects were stunning. Stunning like when Finding Nemo was new stunning. I can’t wait to get my hot little hands on it when release day comes around.
    I feel kind dirty, honestly. Here I am, finally I can go back to the theaters for grown up movies and all I ended up loving was an animated film. Eh, I never figured myself for an intellectual snob anyway. 🙂

  6. Jenny W says:

    I’m with you, this year. I have only watched 2 of the nominated films so far:
    Get Out – not really an Oscar movie in my mind (had to see for myself)
    3 Billboards – was dark, but the acting was spot on – I hope Sam Rockwell wins best supporting
    I do plan on watching The Shape of Water & Call Me By Your Name later on
    In a lesser category, Victoria & Abdul was delightful – I adore Judy Dench
    I always try to watch all of the nominated films, even if they don’t appeal to me. There is usually “something” That makes me go “Yes! That’s why it was nominated!” But this year not so much :/
    I do agree,though, TV is getting better & better! I love my PVR and Netflix 🙂

  7. karen j cosme says:

    Wow. In case I missed it, would you please tell us the story behind how one gets the Oscars ballot?

  8. Annie says:

    I can’t stand all of the political stuff that comes out of their mouths! Hollywood would do better to keep their personal views to themselves!

    • Elaine says:

      I couldn’t agree more, Annie! I think it was on Daily Mail.com where Piers Morgan said the very same thing! Type in the above site and see if you can find it. If not, there is a spot at the top that says “Search” and type in his name and, perhaps, the word, “Oscars” and it should pop up. He basically said the same as you.

    • Cussot says:

      Who’s “Hollywood”? As in, “Holly Wood should keep her mouth shut about the casting couch”?

  9. Not a fan of movies for a couple of reasons. One, I’m hearing impaired (those of us that are hate that phrase) and can’t understand dialogue when there’s background music, when actors whisper, or when the guy behind me is rustling the bag of chips he snuck in. Two, I hate the pretend world. give me a good documentary and I’m curled up like a squash on the sofa WITH my ear bud in so I can understand dialogue. Yeah I could do that for a movie on tv but, well, I hate the pretend world.

  10. judy says:

    I love the Gary Oldman,Benedict Cumberbatch version of Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. I have watched 5 times and to me it is a work of Art. The sets,dialogue,the Acting! wow!. More so the plot -given Americas present state of yuck -is grimly informative. The bureaucratic impotence of people engaged in a sloppy chess match of Nation against Nation trying to one upmanship one another for what mysterious purpose is scary scary and intriguing all at the same time. The stupidity of humans tossing threats of nukes around and spending trillions of dollars on whose equipment is the biggest is dumb….dumb beyond all levels of dumbness. Anyhoo its on Netflix if you care to take a look. America is going to have a Military Parade…Wheeee and Whoopee! for beloved Leader. Wonder if he’ll get a stiffy?

  11. Eileen says:

    I haven’t watched that self aggrandizing bs for Years and everyone breaking their arms patting themselves on the back. They should just act and shut up. No one cares about their political opinions. Give me TV and fire stick any day. We binged on Broadway Empire and just about had heart attacks with the adrenaline rush!

    • sjudy says:

      I care and I don’t understand why actors seem to be so singled out to keep their mouths shut unless it’s a rejection of more liberal leanings.

  12. Judy says:

    I became disillusioned with the Oscars when I learned that the almighty Academy members can vote for movies they HAVE NOT EVEN SEEN! There are big campaigns directed to the Academy, telling them why this movie or that performance is so “important.” If the Academy member buys the hype, a blind vote is born. It’s nothing but stupid, political, power trips.

    • N. Wyss says:

      I agree with you. If the Academy wants to be taken seriously, I think they should be made to watch every movie with a valid verification system.

    • N. Wyss says:

      I agree with you. If the Academy wants to be taken seriously, I think they should be made to watch every movie with a valid verification system. Otherwise, it’s like a kid who hasn’t studied for a multiple choice exam and just ticks off anything!

  13. Teresa says:

    Except for the obligatory Hollywood “you have to blow up a bunch of shit” ending. I loved Wonder Woman! It was the rare movie that made me happy.
    Of course, Francis McDermot always kicks but in her own Wonder Woman way.

  14. Eileen says:

    Then there are those of us (or am I the only one?!??) with a CRT TV hooked to a converter box and an indoor antenna….Who now avoids movie theaters because of the inconsiderate rudeness of others to be encountered there, not to mention the mind-numbing level of the sound most of the time. I’ll get back to you in a year or so when these are out on DVD and the library has them!

  15. Andrea says:

    Hidden Figures. That was a great movie.

    • Brenda says:

      YES!! That was probably my second favorite movie this past year. Wonderful film safe for anyone to watch and everyone should.

  16. Brenda says:

    My favorite movie this past year was Columbus. Starring John Cho and Haley Lu Richardson. Many people I personally know found it slow, but I thought that the deepness and realness of the relationships both were struggling with concerning their parents was just spot on. Sometimes you want to connect to a movie that has some real content to it. Trying to find yourself and dealing with life changes is about as real as it gets and yet it didn’t make me feel sad like deliberate tear jerkers (which I hate). And the soundtrack is beautiful. Filmed in a real town, with real buildings on top of it, not a Hollywood set. Hang in there for the first 30 minutes, that’s the slowest part. It does have an “artsy” feel about it, but it’s not the same as some other “artsy” movies. (armchair philosopher moment here…notice how the the movie always shows the “in-between” spaces like alleys, doorways, hallways…when you transition from one big area to the next…a bit of a life metaphor there if you ask me!) Not available yet on DVD – can download from the main streaming services though.

  17. Kris Wilson says:

    Grab a kid and go see the new Peter Rabbit movie, that will cheer you up! 😉. It’s actually very good!

  18. Jen Mullen says:

    Glad to know I’m not alone in this preference. 🙂 I’ve walked out of a few in the last year because I was tired of sitting through them, my mind was wandering. Spoiled by binge watching Netflix, I guess. It is nice to be able to pause, get up refresh my cup of tea, do a chore or two, and come back.

  19. jaine kunst says:

    Watched 3 Billboards last night because I love Frances and was not disappointed. Good movie.
    Saw Ladybird last week, good coming of age movie but in my opinion not Oscar worthy. The music score in Dunkirk just overwhelmed the film. Looking forward to seeing Get Out and The Shape of Water. But honestly, I LIVE for Game of Thrones and the Walking Dead. Peaky Blinders and Taboo also very good TV watching.

  20. Kimberly M says:

    The only thing I like about the oscars is your posts about the oscars… and those weird ass statues you have. Makes me laugh every year. And sometimes I hear of a movie I should see. I agree there really hasn’t been much. I mostly watch whatever I can squeeze in after all the kids are in bed and I have a bit of time to myself. Lately it hasn’t been movies, it’s been Midsomer Murders on Netflix, because every episode of that is like a movie and I just love those brits so damn much. Nothing too emotional or thought provoking after a long day, please and thank you. I will also mention, that my favorite movie I have seen in the past few months was Bright on Netflix, because I am a huuuge fantasy nerd and it hit the spot. Oh and I loved Thor: Ragnarok… because I unashamedly love super hero movies, and mythology 🤗. I like what I like and it’s my life and I do what I want! Don’t judge me! I also have a lifelong fondness for a good cartoon, I am 32 and watch Regular Show and We Bare Bears by mydamnself. P.S. I have a tendency to not watch movies that people obsess about, example: The Notebook. P.S.S. I just re read this and I sound like a complete crazy person. 🤷🏻‍♀️

  21. Alena says:

    If I am lucky, by the time Oscars night rolls around, I may have seen one or two of the nominated movies. But this may have ended the year Titanic was the biggest hit so I truly lead a pathetic life. Sometimes I watched at least the red carpet but the STUPID interviews! “Who are you wearing?” – who cares. I can’t tell Dolce and Gabana from a dead squirrel so it cannot matter less to me. And the speeches. Oh my good, they are so yawn-inducing.

    So. I actually did not know this upcoming Sunday is the Oscars Sunday until I got a weekly newsletter from the Princess Cinema (I hear they will expanding to Hamilton, Karen). They play a few of the nominated movies right now so I am hoping to go see the Billboards movie (because who doesn’t love Frances).

    On TV, I am currently watching the rerun of ER because I loved the show when it aired originally (I get very pissed when they occasionally nix ER because of some stupid game – there like only FIFTY sports-dedicated channels so I don’t understand why they do that).

    And I had to laugh because I tried to watch Call Me By Your Name (a friend had a pirated DVD) and I think I made it through the first 20 minutes as well. But by that time I was already half asleep because it was oh-so-boring.

  22. I haven’t seen an Oscar movie, before the Oscar’s aired, since 2005…the year before giving birth the first time. Which, by the way, I’ve done three times without ever having labor pains. Anyway, I’m here to ask, are those REAL??? Or are you fooling me with Photoshop?

  23. Karen says:

    One word: OUTLANDER

  24. Mary W says:

    Movies? TV? I’m way too busy watching the real life Death of Democracy each night on the Rachel Maddow show. EVERY WEEK NIGHT since the election. I wish there were CD’s so my grandkids could watch while they study for history class 20 years from now.

  25. kim says:

    So loved Ozark. Second season please.

  26. Anne says:

    Hey Karen,
    Thanks for the Oscars Ballot sheet. I’m rooting for Three Billboards.
    You have an error on your Oscars Trivia sheet. Marlon Brando was indeed represented by Sacheen Littlefeather in 1972 when he refused his Oscar for The Godfather. Her birth name is Maria Cruz and she is not Spanish, but Native American (Apache, Yaqui & Pueblo heritage). That she was not Native was a nasty bit of FBI misinformation that was disseminated at the time to discredit the American Indian Movement, and her personally. You can hear her talk about it here:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tFCzwdTkHEE
    Talk about trivia!
    Love your posts. Keep me laughing.

    • Karen says:

      Interesting! Although I’m a bit reticent to believe every single thing she says but interesting to listen to her none the less. ~ karen!

  27. Becky says:

    Please, please, please go back and rewatch all of ‘Get Out’. There is a lot of gore at the end – so if that’s not your thing, then I understand why you wouldn’t want to watch it. But it is a brilliant commentary on racism done with subtle storytelling and acting. Favorite movie of the year for sure and so very worth everyone’s time.

  28. Judy Currie says:

    I love the Oscars& am almost through the nominated ones. The Shape of Water was excellent mostly because of Sally Hawkins. Please see Maudie with Sally . It is about a Canadian folk artist from Digby, an ova Scotia. Best movie ever. I’m resting up for tonight.

  29. Judy Currie says:

    Sorry, Digby, Nova Scotia.

  30. Rosiland Ball says:

    Did not see Dunkirk, Darkest Hour, or Get Out but of all the rest which I loved, The Shape Of Water was magnificent! Loved, loved, loved it!!

  31. Amy G. says:

    I agree, Sing Street was amazing! Your blog has to be one of the funniest…always a worthwhile read for anyone needing and wanting a good laugh. Thank you!

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