HOOP DREAMS. THE CHAIR THAT SUCKED THE LIFE OUT OF ME.

Hoop chair, egg chair, ball chair … whatever you want to call it, the irony is, the most comfortable chair I’ve ever sat in was also the biggest pain in my ass.  This chair, this one, round, garden chair was perhaps the biggest decorating struggle I’ve encountered since trying to embrace the ruffled bedskirt.   The struggle here was real people, due to unforeseen circumstances, Pinterest, jello and a Wandering Jew.

10 years ago I bought a Volvo. I was looking through the fliers most households get once a week –  you know the ones – grocery store, dry cleaning, car dealership fliers that appear with your paper.  I remember I was looking for Jello pudding on sale because the fella was still here and he happened to be on a Jello kick.  I believe this was just after the concentrated cherry juice and before the bee pollen kick. Just for fun, I put the grocery store flier down and flipped through the car dealership one. I was half looking for a car since my Acura had recently been sold off to some shifty looking guy.  I have no idea if the guy I originally *bought* the Acura from was shifty looking or not because I never saw him in person on account of his being incarcerated at the time.   But I’m gonna assume … also shifty looking.

I have a tendency to do a lot of research on important purchases like cars, cookies and staple guns.  But for some reason, when I saw this Volvo in the flier with its glossy wood grain interior, dual clutch transmission and COMPLETELY vacuumed and emptied trunk … I had to buy it immediately.  3 days later I was tooling home in it, head out the window like a dog, WOooOooHOooing all the way  home.  I figured the fact that the back seats flipped down making the trunk seem twice as big was going to solve any issues with hauling big stuff around a non issue.  I was wrong.

I can carry almost anything that’s flat, but if something is wider than Fred Flintstone’s foot, I’m screwed.  Enter the egg chair.

So I’m up at my local garden centre looking for two things.  A bay laurel plant and a Wandering Jew.  I’m in a bit of a rush because I’ve promised Pink Tool Belt I’d meet her at her house at a certain time.  By the time I’m supposed to be at her house I’m still running around the store for the 15th time looking for a Wandering Jew (which apparently, true to their name have all wandered off.)  And they took the Bay trees with them.  So as I’m leaving the store at a brisk but “I don’t want to miss anything” pace I’m stopped dead in my tracks by the egg chair.

hoop chair

May I direct your attention to the on SALE tag.

It was the Volvo all over again.  I had to buy it and I had to buy it immediately.  But I owned a Volvo, which couldn’t accommodate such a luxuriously proportioned chair.  But I had to have it.  But it wouldn’t fit in my car.  But I had to have it.

This went on and on in my brain until I started to wonder if I was actually experiencing a self induced stroke.  I found a salesperson and explained my dilemma, saying I’d be back in exactly one hour with my truck owning sister.  Also, I hated the colour of the cushion, could she do something about that?  It’s washed out in the photo but the cushion on this chair is really yellow. It’s trying to be off white, but failing miserably.  She agreed to find me a grey cushion by the time I got back, we shook on the deal and I was off to Pink Tool Belt’s.

At the appointed time I returned to the store not with Pink Tool Belt, but with my mother for reasons I can’t remember.  They both own SUVs so either/or was fine with me.  I beelined straight for the chair while Betty wandered off like a plant.  I can still feel the anxiety rising up from my toes as I stared at the empty spot on the floor where my chair once was.  Halp.  HALLLLPPPPPPP.  3 associates came to help me, one of them dragging what looked to be a defibrillator, none of them knowing where the hell my chair was.  One was super-helpful though when she informed me it looked like it wasn’t there anymore.

Huh?

Finally someone clearly in the know and who recognized my anguished cry as the same one that came out of my mouth 2 hours earlier when I realized the chair wouldn’t fit in my car, came to save the day.  She said the chair had gone on a photoshoot.  My chair was a part of some sexy, high profile photoshoot.  I knew I loved that chair.

After about an hour of figuring, planning, and telephone number exchanging they promised to call me once the chair was back the next morning.  I explained to them I myself had taken part in many-a-photoshoot and sometimes if I liked something I would buy it there and then from the prop stylist.  I didn’t want the same fate to happen with my chair so I begged them to make sure they didn’t let anyone else buy it.  Please.  They agreed and sent me on my way.  For the second time.

I woke up bright and early that next morning, got myself into an outfit I thought the chair would like and sat on the edge of my bed waiting for the phone call.  Which phone call you ask?  The phone call that never came.  Finally around 4 in the afternoon I couldn’t take it anymore and called the store myself.

Me:  Where’s my chair?

Them: What chair?

Me:  MY CHAIR YOU STUPID *&&^%I@!!#  !!!!!!!!!

Them:  Hold please.

My chair wasn’t back yet.  They didn’t know where it was.  Call back tomorrow.  Ack.

The call came to me around 2 in the afternoon the next day.  The chair was back.  I grabbed Pink Tool Belt by the hair and winged her straight into her truck telling her to step on it.  MY CHAIR WAS BACKKKKKKK.  I stop, tuck and rolled right out of the truck before she even pulled into a parking spot.  My arms spread wide, ready for a loving embrace with my long lost chair, I ran to the spot I knew my chair would be.  My feet screeched to a halt just about a foot shy of the chair.  I blinked.  That’s NOT my chair.

The chair I was looking at was darker and pinker and weirder than my chair.  It wasn’t my chair.  Enter countless sales people who came from every direction, running into the back of the store, the warehouse, all over the place, looking for MY chair.  By this time I really had developed symptoms of a stroke and whatever other affliction that might cause you to drool and randomly bark like a dog in public.  Things were bad.

After hours of struggling to find the chair we collectively figured out I was insane.  It takes a village.  The chair that I didn’t think was my chair, was indeed my chair.  I just wasn’t remembering it the way it actually was.  I certainly don’t remember it being so … pink.  It was one Country Sampler away from being a ruffled bed skirt for God’s sake.  And the cushion?  They did manage to find me a grey one and I have to hand it to them because it might be the only shade of grey in the entire million shade pallet of grey that is unattractive.  Sort of a super-light cement grey with an offputting touch of ugly.   So now I was looking at the chair which was an ugly colour with an ugly coloured cushion.  After hours and I do mean HOURS of debating I finally decided that I couldn’t let my chair go to another home that was going to let it appear in such a state of unfortunate colour choices. I just couldn’t.  We’d been through a lot this chair and I.

Wrap ‘er up clerk.

I didn’t even get to the parts of the story where my sister got tangled in a top she was trying on and the store manager asked us what channel our reality show was on.

I know it’s going to be difficult for you to believe but this is just Part 1.  Yep.  Part 1 of the comfortable hoop chair and how it became a pain in my ass.

You heard me right.  My ass gets even more painful in a post to come, courtesy of Pinterest.

Have a good weekend all!

 

52 Comments

  1. Mark says:

    I stay up late just to get the notification about your new posts. And now it will take me hours to fall asleep because I will be laughing about this story!! (I would have guessed comedy (not reality) tv show…)

  2. Lois Baron says:

    The suspense is killing me.

    Love you.

  3. Brenna says:

    That’s a very cool chair and I can totally imagine that scenario happening to me and it would totally be worth the hassle. Please post photos of it in it’s new home when you figure out what you want to do with the color/cushion? (Which appear to be a nice normal shade of brown and grey in the photos anyhow.)

  4. TucsonPatty says:

    OMG! This is my brain!! Things remembered incorrectly…as in – it is a word that begins with a “C”… (It doesn’t, it may have a “K” in the middle) (Or else a hard consonent somewhere) or maybe a “Z” or one of those funny sounding letters at the end of the alphabet! Oh the brain. I have, within the last 2 weeks, lost the “button” that gets glued to the inside of the windshield so the rear view mirror slides onto i (it popped off in the 10,000 degree heat one day!), a clipboard with an important peice of paper for my homeowners association, my stinking cell phone!!, and my mind!! My brain is like a junk drawer on a trampoline, as a Pinterest pin said…your struggle is real.

  5. Melissa Stinson says:

    Oh. My. Chair-gate continues….

  6. Jane says:

    So – you are doing to your readers what the store did to you – leaving us waaaaaiittttting. I bet you have air conditioning and are sleeping like a baby right now (maybe in your chair) while i toss and turn in my overheated house as the hours tick by before I get to spring out of bed and go back to work. All the while wondering, wondering “what happened next?”. Never mind me, I’m just cranky from the heat and lack of sleep. I really do want to know what happened with the chair!

    • Karen says:

      A chair update is coming! Stupid chair, lol. And I DO have air conditioning and I was sleeping. I only got air conditioning a few years ago and appreciate every single second of it. Once my house was so hot the taper candles in my upstairs melted. THEY MELTED. ~ karen!

  7. Tina says:

    Oh My GOD! Seriously? That’s how you end a story? How am I supposed to sleep tonight? And the thought running through my head the whole time I was reading…”Why didn’t you ask for the salesperson you initially spoke with? Because certainly you got HER name, right?” And failing that, you certainly got the name of the NEXT person you spoke with…I’m sure you did!

  8. Bronwyn says:

    I can understand why they brought the defibrillator! Edge of seat (excuse the pun) story-telling.

  9. Amanda says:

    I. Can. HArdly. Wait. For. part. 2. I don’t know why, but this reminds me of your faucet video!

    • Karen says:

      I don’t even remember my faucet video. Was it so terrible I’ve blocked it from my mind, lol? ~ karen!

  10. Jenny W says:

    Karen! You are indeed a cruel, cruel, (albeit curiously strong and tiny) Canadian Woman!
    Making us WAIT!?!
    Perhaps a surprise Saturday morning post may be in order, just this once 🙂

  11. Elaine says:

    “Restless Legs” woke me much too early this morning so I read The Life of Karen. I am REALLY curious about Part 2 of the Egg chair saga. Please don’t leave us dangling for too long, Karen! Sleep is eluding me but it’s too early to get up so I think I’ll read another (unread) post of yours about Edgar the Spider!

    • Karen says:

      Ohhhh I love the Edgar the Spider story. 🙂 ~ karen!

      • Elaine says:

        Yep, I enjoyed reading it too and (big surprise!) … even though you got me laughing at 6:00 a.m. which is a big feat in itself, I managed to fall back to sleep for another two hours! Thanks for the laughter, Karen!

        • Karen says:

          Uch. I was up at 6:30 with no such going back to sleep luck. ~ karen!

          • Elaine says:

            Gee … sorry to read that; I hope it wasn’t something I passed on, Karen! Have a good weekend and, hopefully, a good sleep-in on Saturday morn!

  12. Thandi says:

    The suspeeeeense!! Sweet baby cheeses woman!

  13. Sideroad40 says:

    Should have started this post with ….. ‘Once upon a time……’ 🙂 Great storytelling!

  14. Ellen says:

    Ohhhhhhh wow I bet I know what happened next!!!!!!

  15. michelle says:

    I understand completely. It’s an amazing chair! I have a similar story (but not really because mine is totally lacking the helpful salespeople) about some beautiful library steps. And another one about a Russian military map of North America. Sometimes you just have to have that thing no matter what it takes!

    • Karen says:

      HEY MICHELLE! My new Instagram friend. 🙂 Indeed, sometimes you just have to go the distance for something. ~ karen!

  16. Mary W says:

    If you suddenly decide it is too painful for a chair – it would make a great hanging basket for succulents or even a community swing for chickens!

  17. Alena says:

    Oh my God, the adrenaline was pumping through my veins as read this, as if it was ME running to a chair (or whatever else) that I HAD TO HAVE. I was work up myself into a similar state and in this case, I would have probably spontaneously self-combusted. I can feel your pain, Karen!

  18. Edith says:

    Hi Karen – Maybe you could write an article about “why you should never put giant eye lashes on your SUV”. 🙂

  19. Marlene Eastman says:

    Love the story, can’t wait for the ending ….. but I’m baffled by the eye lashes on the van in the parking lot!?! People are still doing that? And which Terra is this? as I live in between 2 of them. I need to be aware of that van?? And the person driving it ……

    • Karen says:

      They are and I”m not sure why. It wqs the Terra on Hwy 6. ~ karen!

      • Marlene Eastman says:

        Uh oh!!! that’s just up the road from me!!! At least they know where to shop for plants!!! I spend a lot of time there, just looking and dreaming …. Xmas time is a killer for me, I want everything in the store!!

  20. Lynn says:

    Oh you got me good with this one Karen, not that I could see myself doing it mind you. Just that hubby is soooo like that when he spots something he falls for on the spot in the store. I have to say it’s funny to watch. If I want a no nonsense trip shopping I really do need to go by myself. Other wise who knows what will becoming home with us. An it truly makes no difference what kind of store we are in, he always seems to find something he cannot live without. Even though it’s almost 39 years he still surprises or perhaps shocks me might be a better way of putting it , what he will spot next.

  21. Lolla says:

    You cant leave us hanging like that!

  22. Linda in Illinois says:

    Love the chair, thought it might hang from the ceiling like the egg chairs of the 70’s, ie: Roan and Martin show, lol. I would buy one myself if I saw they were on sale. Can’t wait for the update.

  23. West Coast Nan says:

    If I squint like so and twist my head to the side I don’t think the chair looks half bad. I can see why you fell so hard for it, it’s the potential of it. I heard wicker is (sort of) easy to paint too, if it really bothers you that much…

  24. Jan in Waterdown says:

    Please please tell me that your sister’s vehicle is NOT the one with eyelashes!!

  25. Valerie says:

    I feel your frustration throughout this tale. Persistence is the key to getting exactly what one wants be it chairs, a recipe or a love partner. From what I read on your blog you are one determined, persistent woman.
    Here is my little story:
    Two years ago we decided to get top of the line outdoor furniture. No more plastic ten dollar chairs from the hardware store for us. Living in a rural remote area we travelled to the big city – 7 hours away intent on purchasing this type of furniture (we ended up with an mammoth oversized pedestal umbrella, beautiful lacquered table and four chairs with removable five inch thick cushions that are not unlike large living room easy chairs). Everything we purchased we absolutely loved and knew the entire ensemble would look smashing on our deck. We did however have a moment of hesitation after purchase. Due to the total size of everything our truck could not accommodate our purchase. We were not to be deterred. Off we went to the U Haul to rent a trailer. U Haul were out of trailer hitches so we then had to locate a place that could sell us a hitch, put it on etc. We didn’t know where to start this in this city so it was a search for awhile. But we did and then went back to the U Haul, then to the lawn furniture store and loaded everything inside the trailer. Due to the heavy load we were forced to travel around 60 km. per hour home. The whole ordeal was expensive and impossibly difficult. I am presently sitting on one of the chairs outside. We love the chairs that accompany this set – Lounging on these chairs is like sitting in a comfortable living room. Was all the effort, cost and tedium and anxiety of driving on the trans Canada highway like snails and receiving many obscene gestures and worn blowing from fellow travellers for going so slow worth it all? Yes, it was.
    Party on Karen.

    • Karen says:

      Ha! That’s the thing, once it’s all over and done with it’s always worth it. It’s the living through the middle of it that gives you a heart murmur. ` karen!

  26. Karen says:

    What a cliffhanger! Can’t wait to see what happens next. Hopefully we don’t have to wait too long to find out. Wish I could binge watch this show!

  27. jaine kunst says:

    Noooooooooooooooo, how can you do that???? You ‘re making us wait for Part 2?

  28. Amy Watson says:

    Karen, a cliff-hanger on the weekend!?!?!?! Well I surely expect lots of pictures of where you put that awesome chair, and I really think you should buy a pick up truck you haul alot of stuff around, you need a truck…….can’t wait until Monday..

  29. Sandra Gibbs says:

    Sounds like the story of my life! Are you sure you don’t have another long lost sister?

  30. Charmaine says:

    I dam near peed my pants by the time I got to the drool and barking dog. I cannot wait to hear part 2, but I wonder if the pain in your ass was a pinch! Still love the look 👀 of your chair.

  31. Dianne says:

    So funny! You’re SO NOT alone there. I know this scenario well. Hypnotized by discounts or other factors then projecting my imagined perfections and aesthetic details on to my grey matter during fits of over-zealousness. Too many scenarios. Including the amazing (massive) green velvet sofa I bought super cheap that cannot fit through any NORMAL size door (I’d have to knock down a wall), not to mention the friend I had on a wild goose chase for me trying to source bottles of amazing wine that didn’t exist – as I had mentally-noted the name completely wrong. (It didn’t taste as good as I remembered it either!) That said – I so look forward to reading part 2!

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