I've decided to quit blogging and go into the business of reading floors. It's kind of like reading tea leaves, only it actually works, you don't have to drink tea, plus your house gets cleaner. And it's free. And you don't feel stupid and duped after doing it.
Floor Sweep Reading is the brainchild of me. I invented it just last night while sweeping my floor and I'm pretty sure it's gonna take off. It's kind of sciency an' shit, so it may only make it into like, journals, and boring publications like that at first, but after that it's definitely going to be something everyone's talking about. Plus it'll to be a real cash cow for me. I mean, I like blogging and all, but when you come up with an idea like this everything else has to go on hold in your life.
If you're any sort of normal human being, you've been sufficiently whipped into such a frenzy by now, that you can't wait to hear what this Floor Sweep Reading actually is.
Well, you sweep your floor, take a photo of your pile of dirt and send it to an accredited Floor Sweep Reader for analysis.
I accredited myself as an Official Floor Sweep Reader just last night, and as luck would have it I'm the only one in existence right now so a) I'm your only option and b) I am your only option.
You have to send me money too. That's what makes this a cash cow.
Once an Official Floor Sweep Reader (me) receives your photo (and money) they'll analyze it using state of the art technology developed over the past half hour in my backyard with some drunk neighbours. All results are confidential, and emailed back to you using my laptop which, although not password protected is usually pretty secure since there's always a cat sitting on it.
O.K., I'm actually going to change the name of my invention right now. I know I said it was called "Floor Sweep Reading" but it just occurred to me if I call it "Floor Dirt Reading", then we can shorten that to FDR, which will be easier for people to remember on account of its association with the famous FDR fuel pump out of Izmir, Turkey.
As an experienced business person, schooled mainly by reading the Tweets of marketing bloggers, I know that you like to get something for free before you're willing to pay for it.
Here's a sample of what you can expect to receive after you send me your photo.
The first step of the analyzation:
"Identification"
"Analysis"
I see this person cuts food up but doesn't eat it. They throw food on the floor. Mainly tomatoes and kale. This person could be a violent vegetarian. Possibly a disgruntled vegan. Unless those things were dropped on the floor in which case they're just tired. An indication that this one's a real partier. Would benefit from the FDR detox kit, selling for only $79.99. In the past they've encountered a cat. It probably crossed their path. This is a bad omen. Which isn't a surprise because the chicken feather in the photo is evidence of this person's interest in voodoo. I predict this person will suffer a minor glue gun injury while attempting to reapply a rhinestone to a pentogram. And a shelf will fall down in the near future. Maybe their shelf. All of these things will happen on a day that ends with a "y".
"Conclusion"
This person needs further analysis.
BAM!! Now THAT'S how you do it.
Interested in becoming an official FDR analyzer? I don't expect you to understand all the scientific jibber jabber behind how I do all this so I won't even try to explain it right now, but suffice it to say you can be a little loosey goosey with your results and still look like you know what you're doing. Ask about my accreditation package so you too can take advantage of this booming and revolutionary method of predicting the future and reading the past.
I just realized I said earlier that you wouldn't feel stupid and duped after doing this. That's because this is real. Not like those magic tea leaves or palm reading. Also it's not free. I lied about that.
Floor Sweep Dirt Reading. Watch for it on the cover of People magazine soon.
Have a good weekend. I probably won't get to say that to you again, since I won't have time for you anymore. Because I'll be rolling in money soon. Or floor dirt.
Barb
Geez...even your floor sweepings are more interesting than mine! I'll have to work on that! Thanks for giving me a new and kind of fun perspective on this daily task! Your mind works in wondrous ways! (Kind of scary, too! ;-)
Heather
If I sign up before midnight can I get 2 for the price of one plus FREE SHIPPING? Maybe you should talk to those K-Tel people.
You are always funny. Sometimes you are just that much funnier than normal. LOVED this.
Darla
You never fail to make me laugh! In our little town we have a "trash off" parade and a fashion show where all of the clothing is made from trash. So if you could branch out to sweeping the whole house and throw in a bag of trash you could actually start your own line of "recycled" clothing. Just get the ole glue gun out.
Grammy
I have a five-month old puppy and a six-year-old grandson who are in and out of my house all the time (every day after school for the Kid). This past week there were two plumbers, an electrician and a couple of inspectors going in and out of my house (after crawling under and behind the house). I think about sweeping the kitchen floor, but then I just sit down and weep. Are there any prizes for the customer with the ickiest stuff?
Sylvia
I have to say Karen, your fans are equally as funny as you are. FDR ... Great idea. I just got a new Dyson today. Really I did . Going to vacuum right now and see just dirty this house is. I may just go crazy.
Nancy Blue Moon
I never realized that you were a scientificy kinda lady person..if you need a sorting and packing and mailing kinda women..I'm here for ya kid...
carol
May I also suggest the time-honoured hook of accepting 3 easy (EZ) payments of ONLY $19.99. And how about some cross-marketing? In your ad, don't call that a rhinestone, it's a genuine Cubic Zirconia and surelyyou can find a Cheerio or two on your floor. Isn't that a Sea Monkey lying next to the cat fur? I'm sure you could find companies that would give you a kick-back for appearing in your pile of floor sweepings. Yes, indeedy, I think your idea is excellent and you'll soon be laughing all the way to the Money Mart!
Kristy
Very clever. And don't forget to mention that the client must spread their sweepings out so not only is each item visible, but they're relation to each other becomes clear. A feather next to a screw is much more foreboding than a feather next to a tomato skin. The reading is only as accurate as the client's ability to follow directions.
You should also consider drastically reducing the price of your detox kit from $79.99 to $79.98 if they act quickly. People like free stuff AND time sensitive incentives. You know, push 'em around a little.
How can I become a certified FDR'r?
Dagmar
Don't foget to mention: " Time is limited, so you must call now! And, of course you want the best and most accurate reading possible. If you call now, we also offer a limited amount of premium sweeper-helpers. These aren't just any normal brooms, they will help bring the specs of your dirt together in one cohesive spirit world! And all you folks have to do is dial us, and we take over from there. Burn remember, our "dirt-reader" only has limited time, and can only work with the most prepared and most willing of you. So please show us how important this is to you, and call, anytime 24/7. Don't let this once in a lifetime opportunity pass you.
Wow, Karen, this BS just rolls off the tongue. Enjoy your millions and millions more (you know movie indorsements, toys, etc)
Benz
you can see that she's a gold diggar,
but she talkin to a broke niggar...
whiskey,tango,foxtrot.
looking forward to my tea towel when I come see you at he grand opening all the way from Las Vegas. YAY.
judy
I am really really curious about your comedic writing ability which is more than considerable! Does it just roll off your brain and into your furiously typing fingers like spontaneous inspiration or is it subject to editing and improvement as you write? It is my lifelong aspiration to be funny or mildly amusing or not annoying if possible. I am not........the first two and sadly am probably the last. Hey~ I got an idea A comedy kit on..............How to be funny without clown feet a wig and red nose...........I tried the clown thing-nobody even noticed-although come to think of it they looked definitely annoyed. Help me Karen--pretend I'm a chicken and box up a kit on how to be as lovable and amusing as a live chicken-everybody loves dead chicken especially Fried.
Deb Brennan
Have you thought of running for Prime Minister? We need a brilliant mind like yours in Ottawa....imagine the floor dirt you'd find there! An absolute gold mine. This will keep me grinning for at least a week.
jainegayer
What were you drinking????? Reminds me of when Harry met Sally, "I want what she's having." You are too funny!!
Tigersmom
It's a good thing you've stumbled upon this money making opportunity. I was beginning to think you have too much time on your hands if you're studying floor dirt.
Liz M
Incredible! How does she do it?? I'm going to sweep my floor right NOW so I can get my life changing analysis!!
Mary W
LOVE your post today. Stirs up creativity and I want to write a story using the prompts provided by my sweep. I can sweep two or three times a day (if the grandkids are here) and since I'm in Florida, of course the main prompt would be sand - every time. So here goes my latest sweep: It was a dark and windy night. My window was open and the evil silently entered my bedroom. My alarm system, Trixie, cuddled deep under my covers was not making a sound. It silently entered my bedroom as I fell vulnerably into a deep sleep. In the morning, I stepped out of bed and put my naked foot down to feel the horror below. I tried to escape but it was everywhere. My feet were soon covered in the tell tale signs of a true Floridian - sand. (At least the screen kept out the sand spurs!)
Kim
I think you've got your Mojo back again!! That's what makes me laugh.
Marta
Don't make me laugh so hard. I've got hot coffee in my hand! Woops, now it's coffee on the floor...
Tris
I used to clean vacant apartments and did personal "readings" myself. Tried to reconstruct what the people who had lived there were like by what I mopped, scrubbed, and swept up in their unit. Too bad you didn't have your accreditation program going back then. It would have been nice to earn millions vs a lousy 10 bucks an hour.
Did anyone else think Franklin Delano Roosevelt?
Mary W
Immediately - but wondered why FDR instead of FSR and had to reread to find out she changed the name. I can't hear FDR without thanking of him as it appears the only way people refer to him.
Grammy
"Did anyone else think Franklin Delano Roosevelt?"
I'm pretty sure that was the joke.
Heather
Grammy,
I'm pretty sure that was the joke, too.
Tris
Thanks for pointing that out. Sometimes a joke goes over my head. Glad you caught my mistake. The great thing about Karen's posts is all the support in the comment sections from her readers! You and Heather are gems!
Grammy
I assume that Karen counts all of us as her little gems. I picture her hot-gluing different brightly colored shiny things on an old pickle jar and thinking of it as a reflection of how she affects all her minions. That gives us all the responsibility to help each other out -- nobody wants to come to Karen's place and be the only not-pretty gem on the pickle jar.
Anne
Yup and was surprised that he'd made a pump to sell in Turkey! Oh, he didn't? Live and learn.
Teresa Jennings Richardson
This was really funny and it is amazing what a creative mind can choose to blog about when NOTHING comes to mind and EVERYBODY gets a kick out of "dirt" you posted today--better than the "dirt" on gossip shows and just about as true. I went to bed at 11 last night and did not have your blog in my email. I got up at 4:12 AM to let my little doxie go potty and see that 23 people have already commented. Sweeping is on my list of chores for today and I will be able to attack that hated chore with a whole new purpose. The grands and I will have tons of fun analyzing what kind of people live here as we rescue crayons and tiny cars from the Jackson Pollock masterpiece headed for the trash bin. But if Annlee says, "Grandma, what fun craft do you have for me to do today?" well me thinks I'll give her a sheet of paper slathered in Elmer's glue, a dustpan full of gibblets from the dining/craft room floor, and let her create her own modern art to put on the fridge and just recycle that trash into a treasure. Yep, a living tribute to the trashiest article I've read in a long time. (In all fairness, I have to admit, I use the "trash" in that room all the time. A few weeks ago, I made 15 tutus in one day. I kept all the little snippets of tulle left over after I trimmed them to the correct length and used those bits to make doll tutus and tulle pom poms for matching hairbows. Annlee loves those "accidental" items more than the planned one.) I can't wait to see your analysis of the sweepings from the girls coop.