There are three things you absolutely need when you move into your first house. You need a flashlight, a measuring tape and a limp.
The most important of these three things is the limp. The flashlight and the measuring tape are nice to have, but if you have a limp you’ll accomplish all kinds of things. People will magically appear to shovel your driveway, cut your grass, carry heavy objects into your house. The possibilities are endless really.
A limp you can easily fake, but a the measuring tape is trickier.
In fact, to get through life I have ascertained that you need a minimum of 3 measuring tapes.
You need a flexible cloth tape for measuring round things or misshapen things. Like pillows. Or your bum.
You need a small, compact tape you can stick in your purse/pocket and always have with you. That way, when you’re out thinking … Geez … I wonder if that will fit … you’ll at least have a measuring tape to measure whatever it is you’re wondering about. God knows, you won’t know the measurement of whatever it is you’re trying to fit it into.
And finally … the most important of them all … you need a big, honkin’ metal measuring tape.
Not a namby pampy one.
The biggest mistake people make when they buy a measuring tape is they don’t buy a big enough or a good enough one. Ever wonder why your tape measure kinks and droops once you pull out only 2 or 3 feet from it? It’s because you have yourself a crap measuring tape. Buy one that’s at least 1″ wide. The wider the tape, the longer you’ll be able to stretch it out without it bending. A handy quality in a measuring tape. Especially if you’re at home all alone standing on a chair tryin’ to measure exactly how far away the top of your bookshelf is from your antique toe collection.
This measuring tape of mine measures out 7 feet before it gets limp. When you’re in the store just stretch it out. Don’t be shy. I know you snack on grapes at the grocery store … it’s just like that only not as illegal. Just stretch it out and make sure it doesn’t bend or kink. And then suck it up, pay the man and bring it home.
The only problem you might encounter with a measuring tape of this size is your neighbours might wonder why you, limpy you, might have a need for it. If you can’t shovel your own snow … how can you build and hang your own shadow box for displaying your much envied antique toe collection?
By the way, most antique toes are acquired as the result of someone ELSE in history not owning recommendation number 1, the flashlight. It’s a little known truth that people have in fact been known to stub their toes right off. Bad luck for them … good luck for your antique toe collection.
So if someone becomes suspicious and happens to ask you how you actually got your “limp” just tell them you stubbed it right off. Then shine a flashlight in their face, bonk them on the head with your massive measuring tape and run for your life.