Even though I make my living talking on television, don't get the wrong idea about me.
I don't want to make a toast at your wedding. No offense. I also don't want to make a toast at your friend's wedding. Or your cat's wedding. Or the wedding of your cat's friend. You see, I hate speaking in public. I'm actually very shy.
This is something that most people can't seem to wrap their head around. How can I possibly be a television host if I'm shy? Well, there are 2 types of television personalities. There's the "look at me, look at me" television personalities. Think Snookie. And then there's the "Please don't look at me, please don't look at me" television personalities. Think me.
While it is true that I put a lampshade on my head at a party I went to last weekend ... it is also true that I was just trying to hide.
So when people ask me to make a toast at their wedding I stare blankly at them and then say, I'm really sorry but I can't; I have an infectious tongue fungus. Or more specifically I say "mfmmm bruuuuuu mfppppprf fdjfrrrrmbrap". And then I run away.
Part of the problem is, not only am I shy about talking in front of large groups of people (television viewers aren't scary because I can't see them) ... I also have no idea how to make a toast. Making a good toast is an actual skill with rules and regulations. I didn't know this until I did a segment on my lifestyle show Playing House on W Network last year. Turns out if you follow a few rules, making a toast isn't nearly as stressful as you'd think.
How to Make a Toast
featuring Karen Bertelsen and Mike Chalut
Beginning - Introduce yourself and explain how you know the person you are toasting. (Hi I'm Karen. I met Agnes in jail.)
Middle - Tell a nice/entertaining/engaging story or fact about the person you are toasting. (Agnes always offered me her extra ketchup on french fry day )
End - Raise your glass and look the person you are toasting in the eye and say "To (insert person's name here)". (To Agnes! Here's to good behavior!)
For those who are wondering, Agnes is a fictional character, made up for the purpose of enhancing this post. Any resemblance or similarities to an actual jailhouse Agnes is purely coincidental.