There was a knock at the front door. The door that welcomes you to my home with a brick path flanked by day lillies, fluttering moths and lazy streams of sunshine streaking across the grass. It's the kind of house that seems to sigh, Come on in, with the falling of every rose petal.
My house and I are very different. I just want people to screw off.
If I know you, that's one thing. But if you walk up my pretty path looking to sell me, convince me, switch me or beg me you can either turn around and go away or prepare to get your ass kicked by a spinning and kicking tiny blonde blur. This is my house, my home. It isn't a drop in centre for people who think I have money that I just don't want anymore. And no ... I don't make exceptions for charities. I have my preferred charities and nothing makes me feel less charitable than you standing on my porch making me feel like an asshole because you aren't one of them.
Also if I wanted to switch cable providers do you know what I'd do? I'd switch cable providers, on my own, from the comfort of my binge watching couch at 2:00 in the morning after having problems bringing up the latest season of House of Cards. That is what I would do.
So finally, the other night after a particularly curious encounter at my door I said this is stupid. I'm old. I'm allowed to do things old crotchety people would do. I already save tin foil ... I'm halfway there to old person crazy.
I sat down and whipped up a No Soliciting sign. It had lots of swear words and I guess if taken out of context could possibly have been viewed as a hate crime, but only towards people with fake laminated badges. Something about strangling, and burying, and Kimchi, strangely enough. I don't know, I can't really remember, I was in a bit of a state. Luckily, just when I was about to laminate it up, I also sobered up and decided to take another, less aggressive crack at it. I mean I'm old and crotchety, but I'm not that old and crotchety.
And this is what I came up with.
Download one of the PDFs below to print your own
And not to worry. I still laminated the other one and put it in a shoe box. As soon as I start getting annoyed with kids stepping on my grass or making a lot of "racket", I'll know the day has come to crack it open.
Have a good weekend!
Love this site! I, too, am old and a crabby old bat into the bargain; crotchety ain't bad enough to describe me. I used to get a lot of Mormons turning up on my doorstep but I think they've taken me off their list since I asked if it was true that they have special underwear requirements due to their religion and had to take a bath only in the dark. I'm pretty sure that they don't, they just believe in a slightly more ridiculous set of crap than, say, buddhists, but it maybe convinced them that I'm some sort of pervert, batshit crazy or both.
As for those annoying people who ring up to get me to answer their stupid survey questions, if I'm busy I just put the receiver down. If I'm in the mood to have a little fun, though, I put on a little old lady voice, keep mentioning that I'm 83 next month, ask them to repeat everything because I'm hard of hearing, until they're bellowing down the 'phone, then ask them to spell it and I answer all their questions with "Ooh, I don't rightly know, dear".
Well that's just cruel. No it's not. Love it. ~ karen!
An acquaintance of mine said that a well known religious group, known for coming to peoples doors, came to her home and she pretended to be deaf. She faked sign language and pointed to her ears and spoke with a deaf accent (don't know what else to call it, but you know it when you hear it). They went away but sure enough, it wasn't many days later that they came back with someone who spoke sign language. I don't remember what she did then, but that was hilarious.
KAREN, this was a good post ! Glad i'm not the only one who hates these door knockers ! So I have one for you all, I was home one day sick with the flu ..At the time we were living in a single wide on our property building our new home...So i had just settled in after a coughing fit to sleep an Bang Bang Bang on the tin trailer door, I peeked out blinds an saw a bunch of them..So I try'd to ignore them..Nope Bang Bang Bang again soooo I got up knowing one of them was standing on the top step of the door where by the way was a no solisting sign was..I knew something they didn't the door opened out !! Soo very quietly I unlocked the door an flung it open knocking the person off the step ! haha Then I looked at them all before the one on ground could recover an said " First of ALL maybe you peeps should go back to school so you can learn how to READ ! An second of all your tresspassing on private property !! The road you came up all us 6 neighbors OWN an the next time I see you an your merry gang of preachers the SHERIFF will be here an haul you all off in SQUAD CARS then where will you be ? OH that's right you peeps can't read !!! Neighbor guy saw them jump into their preacher wagon an go back to the main road, he called me an said I don't know what you said to them but they flew outta here GOOD...We never had trouble with them again, so i think they keep a journal of bad house's !!!! HAHAHA
I am looking for a sign that says 'no sellers, no savers, not thieves'. Those religious kooks make me crazy. If people would quit opening their doors to these guys it would help us all. Oh, don't buy anything on the phone either. That just encourages them. If nobody bought from phone solicitors they would go away too. Funny post, Karen.
I've got this one, all Martha Stuarted up in a frame even!
If you ring this bell….
We will not believe it,
Buy it, vote for it and,
We will not tell you what we think about it.
However, we will tell you
what gauge shotgun we have.
So glad I came across this wonderful blog when I was on Pinterest and happen to see your dollar store garden LED lamps… I loved watching you on OMNI TV a few years ago by the way, so lovely to see your witty and sarcastic brand of humour here ont his lovely and smart blog!
After binge reading several of your posts today and reading literally every single reply (yes, even Jeffrey M’s, sheeesh dude), I think I love you… just sayin…
Peace from Marlene in Toronto :)
I'm glad you found my site Marlene! I've been here a while now. :) And don't worry about Jeffrey. He's better than us. ~karen!
Maybe you could add something to deter people pushing political causes and the people who leave pizza coupons and business advertising too. Robocalls....another pet peeve but apparently there is no way to stop them, unless you stop having a phone.