I’ve had gut issues for as long as I can remember. I don’t think I stress about stuff or get tense, but my stomach thinks otherwise. My stomach thinks I stress out A LOT and it, being the extremely thoughtful organ that it is, gets angry for me. Angry like a nest of wasps made out of acid. So my stomach takes care of all the stress and anxiety I feel, without having to bother my pretty little head about it.
I’ll believe in my mind that I’m moving along fine in life not being bothered by a thing when my stomach will start to tighten up. Then I’ll feel a bit bloaty maybe. Then I’ll notice my stomach is tightening, hard as a rock and ballooning to approximately the same size as a Water Buffalo. You know how when a country thinks conditions are unsafe and it’s under attack, it’ll go into lockdown? My gut goes into lockdown. Like North Korea.
I used to think I had some type of rare and special disease but as it turns out ………….. I have gas. Gas in itself isn’t all that bad. Especially if you make your living by belching the alphabet (which I do not). It’s when you can’t get the hell rid of the gas. When it just builds up and builds up inside your tiny little locked down stomach. There’s no movement going on in my gut or intestines. You know how your stomach gurgles throughout the day? I have no gurgling. There are no gurgles. I’m gurgleless. I bend, I stretch, I move around. I even hop on the spot in an attempt to burp myself (which actually works). I do Yoga poses entitled “Wind Releaser” and twist back and forth trying to force some kind of movement out of my stomach and convince it that everything’s O.K. No one is attacking it. I have no stress, I’m not bothered. Unless you count how stressed and bothered I am by the excruciating pain in my methane filled gut.
And then I burp and everything is fine with the world.
The other thing I get the odd time, which is equally excruciating, is heartburn. I don’t get it a lot, maybe 2 or 3 times a year but it’s always when I’m sleeping and it always wakes me up wondering what the hell is going on, and did why did I eat fire before bed?
There is one and only one way to get rid of heartburn instantly. I know the Internet will tell you various home remedies work but I can tell you they do not. At least not on my overprotective, angry, North Korean stomach.
Want to know what this miracle cure is?
Yes. A teaspoon of mustard. Regular old, Heinz or French’s mustard. Eat it. If it bothers you imagine there’s an Ikea hotdog underneath it. The first time I did this I remember almost gagging. The hotdog thing helped me out a lot. Now I kindda enjoy my teaspoon of mustard. I’ve heard of and tried all of the other tricks. Salty water, soda water, cider vinegar, Gaviscon, Tums …. all of it. And the only thing that has ever, actually, truly worked … is mustard.
I can’t imagine I’m the only one who knows about this as I’m sure the comment section in this post will soon attest to. I can’t absolutely and completely guarantee that this is going to work for you but I can tell you it’s worked for a lot of other people and definitely works for me when Kim Jong-un rears his ugly head (and weird haircut) in my gut.
A spoon full of sugar may make the medicine go down, but a spoon full of mustard can destroy a dictator.
Have a good weekend!