I’m very sorry you’re possibly up Googling in the middle of the night because you have terrible heartburn and the blinding pain from it. I was in your exact same position a few years ago. Looking up how to get rid of heartburn in the middle of the night. This is the instant cure I found.
Happy Valentine’s Day! I thought long and hard about what kind of wonderful post to bring you today that would be in keeping with the theme of this made up holiday. ❤️Today, like a good little Valentine’s cynic, I bring you a cure for heartburn.
I’ve had gut issues for as long as I can remember. I don’t think I stress about stuff or get tense, but my stomach thinks otherwise. My stomach thinks I stress out A LOT and it, being the extremely thoughtful organ that it is, gets angry for me. Angry like a nest of wasps made out of acid. So my stomach takes care of all the stress and anxiety I feel, without having to bother my pretty little head about it.
I’ll believe in my mind that I’m moving along fine in life not being bothered by a thing when my stomach will start to tighten up. Then I’ll feel a bit bloaty maybe. Then I’ll notice my stomach is tightening, hard as a rock and ballooning to approximately the same size as a Water Buffalo. You know how when a country thinks conditions are unsafe and it’s under attack, it’ll go into lockdown? My gut goes into lockdown. Like North Korea.
I used to think I had some type of rare and special disease but as it turns out ………….. I have gas. Gas in itself isn’t all that bad. Especially if you make your living by belching the alphabet (which I do not). It’s when you can’t get the hell rid of the gas. When it just builds up and builds up inside your tiny little locked down stomach.
There’s no movement going on in my gut or intestines. You know how your stomach gurgles throughout the day? I have no gurgling. There are no gurgles. I’m gurgleless. I bend, I stretch, I move around. I even hop on the spot in an attempt to burp myself (which actually works). I do Yoga poses entitled “Wind Releaser” and twist back and forth trying to force some kind of movement out of my stomach and convince it that everything’s O.K. No one is attacking it.
I have no stress, I’m not bothered. Unless you count how stressed and bothered I am by the excruciating pain in my methane filled gut.
And then I burp (or otherwise) and everything is fine with the world.
The other thing I get the odd time, which is equally excruciating, is heartburn. I have a very important sounding condition you see called, gastroesophageal reflux disease or GERD for short. Basically it means angry acid makes its way out of my stomach and up towards oesophagus.
To help stop that I take a medication. I don’t get heartburn symptoms from GERD a lot, maybe 2 or 3 times a year but it’s always when I’m sleeping (that just makes it more noticeable because the acids can make their way up) and it always wakes me up wondering what the hell is going on, and did why did I eat a pot of blazing fire in the middle of my sleep?
When this happens I get out of bed, plump my pillows up so I can sleep with my head up (having your head and neck elevated helps make it harder for acid to travel up your throat) and then I head downstairs into the kitchen for my favourite cure.
There is one and only one way to get rid of heartburn instantly. I know the Internet will tell you various home remedies work but I can tell you they do not. At least not on my overprotective, angry, North Korean stomach.
How to Get Rid of Heartburn?
Yes. A teaspoon of mustard. Regular old, Heinz or French’s mustard. Eat it. If it bothers you imagine there’s an Ikea hotdog underneath it. The first time I did this I remember almost gagging. The hotdog thing helped me out a lot. Now I kindda enjoy my teaspoon of mustard.
It is a genuine heartburn home remedy that works. It really does.
I’ve heard of and tried all of the other tricks. Salty water, soda water, cider vinegar, Gaviscon, Tums …. all of it. And the only thing that has ever, actually, truly worked instantly … is mustard.
Discovering mustard works as a home remedy was almost as shocking as when I discovered my frozen yogourt tampon cure for yeast infections.
It does NOT work 100% of the time, but it works most of the time. So if you’re up in the middle of the night right now, stop reading already and go and eat a teaspoon of mustard to see if it helps.
I can’t absolutely and completely guarantee that this is going to work for you but I can tell you it’s worked for a lot of other people (you’ll see proof in the comment section) and definitely works for me when Kim Jong-un rears his ugly head (and weird haircut) in my gut.
A spoon full of sugar may make the medicine go down, but a spoon full of mustard can destroy a dictator.
If you have another proven heartburn trick let us all know. Not something “you’ve heard works” or something you’ve read about please, only things that have actually, for real, worked for you. The Internet is a big fat liar so everything you read on it isn’t always true. Except this mustard trick. It’s true.
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