Welcome to the last post of 2016. The curtain is down on The Art of Doing Stuff until the New Year, giving me my yearly week of relaxation.
And this year (as I do every year) I pledge to actually relax. To slow the hell down for one entire week. Even if I have to chain myself to a sloth to do it. omg I’d TOTALLY chain myself to a sloth. I *love* sloths. I wonder where I could get a sloth. I think the most exotic thing my nearest pet store sells are the one eyed mice they sell to snake owners.
Before I leave you to your own few days of relaxation in the form of family fights, present returning and turkey burning, I will, as I do every year, give you some insight into what I plan to do with my relaxation time until I see you again in January.
Cook You know as much as I love cooking I hate having to clean up after cooking so maybe I won’t cook.
Forage for food that can be eaten out of a can in the cupboard
Wonder why the only canned food I have is Sweetened Condensed Milk
Contemplate whether consuming can of Sweetened Condensed Milk constitutes eating or drinking. Decide it’s both based on it’s more mainstream drink/food cousin, Boost. Have single handedly created new hipster rage drink. Make note to find bearded boyfriend whom I can
Feel ill from “dinner”, strip naked and lie down on bathroom floor.
Notice dirt again. Curse dirt.
Wash bathroom floor which leads to kitchen floor which leads to mudroom floor which leads to outdoors.
Wave at neighbours looking curiously at my outfit which I now realize consists entirely of rubber gloves.
Wave more enthusiastically as a way to distract them from my nakedness.
Still unwell. Lay on the couch. Do not MOVE from the couch.
Contemplate installing a refrigerator in the couch. No that’s stupid, I should just move the couch into the kitchen.
Bored on couch, move to computer.
Look up ways to relax
Find my own post on chaining self to sloth
Fall asleep on couch, wake up and repeat.
Have a great Christmas and Hanukah, each and every one of you. I’ll be back in January with as many helpful hints, tips, trials and tribulations as I can possible muster up over this next week of recharging.
Even though we all know this is technically the season of hope and love, you and I are smart enough to know it’s also the season of anger and arguing. There are only so many Christmases we all have in us so don’t waste this one getting worked into a fit for whatever stupid reason.
Chain yourself to a sloth.
See you in the New Year.