MERRY CHRISTMAS. IT’S TIME FOR ME TO CHAIN MYSELF TO A SLOTH.

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Welcome to the last post of 2016.  The curtain is down on The Art of Doing Stuff until the New Year, giving me my yearly week of relaxation.

And this year (as I do every year) I pledge to actually relax. To slow the hell down for one entire week.  Even if I have to chain myself to a sloth to do it.  omg I’d TOTALLY chain myself to a sloth.  I *love* sloths.  I wonder where I could get a sloth.  I think the most exotic thing my nearest pet store sells are the one eyed mice they sell to snake owners.

Before I leave you to your own few days of relaxation in the form of family fights, present returning and turkey burning, I will, as I do every year, give you some insight into what I plan to do with my relaxation time until I see you again in January.

Sit

Knit

Cook  You know as much as I love cooking I hate having to clean up after cooking so maybe I won’t cook.

Forage for food that can be eaten out of a can in the cupboard

Wonder why the only canned food I have is Sweetened Condensed Milk

Contemplate whether consuming can of Sweetened Condensed Milk constitutes eating or drinking. Decide  it’s both based on it’s more mainstream drink/food cousin, Boost. Have single handedly created new hipster rage drink. Make note to find bearded boyfriend whom I can Instagram Snapchat holding my drink invention whilst wearing plaid shirt.

Feel ill from “dinner”, strip naked and lie down on bathroom floor.

Notice dirt.

Ignore dirt.

Notice dirt again.  Curse dirt.

Wash bathroom floor which leads to kitchen floor which leads to mudroom floor which leads to outdoors.

Wave at neighbours looking curiously at my outfit which I now realize consists entirely of rubber gloves.

Wave more enthusiastically as a way to distract them from my nakedness.

Retreat indoors.

Still unwell.  Lay on the couch.  Do not MOVE from the couch.

Contemplate installing a refrigerator in the couch. No that’s stupid, I should just move the couch into the kitchen.

Bored on couch, move to computer.

Look up ways to relax

Find my own post on chaining self to sloth

Fall asleep on couch, wake up and repeat.

 

Have a great Christmas and Hanukah, each and every one of you.  I’ll be back in January with as many helpful hints, tips, trials and tribulations as I can possible muster up over this next week of recharging.

Even though we all know this is technically the season of hope and love, you and I are smart enough to know it’s also the season of anger and arguing.  There are only so many Christmases we all have in us so don’t waste this one getting worked into a fit for whatever stupid reason.

Sit.

Relax.

Chain yourself to a sloth.

See you in the New Year.

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94 Comments

  1. Miriam says:

    Merry Christmas etc Karen (sorry am a bit late getting here), hope it was a good one.
    Thanks for so many tips, laughs, recipes etc.
    Happy New Year too!

  2. Laurie says:

    Hope you’re still chained to that sloth Karen! Just wanted to let you know, I made your bacon wraps for Christmas Eve and they were a hit! Sweetened condensed milk wins again!

  3. Heather says:

    Karen, enjoy your week “off”. No matter what you end up doing it’s always nice to not have a schedule. Wishing you the best for the end of the year.

  4. Renee says:

    Thanks for teaching me all sorts of stuff! And I am sure there is a way to put some kind of boozyness in that condensed milk..just sayin…even better to sloth with…

  5. Flash says:

    next year throw the can of condensed milk in the slow cooker for 9 hours on low. let it cool then you’ll have yummy caramel to eat.. or to entice a sloth with.
    Happy New Year
    Flash and the gang

  6. Kelli says:

    Find yourself a sloth. HA! Too late, I already is one! Er, kinda. :)

    Hope your Christmas was fab, and I wish you the bestest of new years! Now git to slothing!

  7. Nancy says:

    I laughed out loud at the description of your neighbors spying you clad only in rubber gloves.
    I knew a woman who did her housework naked. One day, as she finished inside, she put on rubber boots to sweep off the front steps (being confident in the abundance of privacy afforded by the fact that she lived out in a mobile home out on the prairie in South Dakota) She managed to lock herself out, and had to crawl in through a window (and it was a small, mobile-home version of a window)…..just as she was mooning God’s creation, she heard a truck’s honk as it passed by.

  8. Lois Baron says:

    I just wanted to show you the black floors my brother put on a house he’s renovating for sale. He is a Real Designer, and much braver than I am about such things. If anyone is looking for a house in Catskill, NY, it’s about to go on the market :-)

  9. Maureen Locke says:

    Merry Christmas Karen and thank you for a wonderful year of laughs, projects, and oh hell, I’m too tired to think. I just consumed a HUGE plate of scrambled eggs and lobster on toast and I can’t form another thought… sorry. I need a nap.

  10. Connie says:

    Happy Christmas to you Karen ! Thanks for a wonderfully funny , informative year. I always enjoy receiving your posts:)
    I have a quick (sloth-like , a.k.a. easy!) recipe for you if you need to use up that lonely can of condensed milk:
    Almond cookies: Combine 1 can condensed milk with 2 cups dark choc chips, a 14 oz bag of unsweetened coconut and 1/2 cup of slivered almonds ( or peanuts if that’s all you’ve got ).
    Use a small ice cream scoop to drop mixture on a parchment lined cookie tray to make 1 1/2 ” sized cookies. Space about 1 ” apart. Bake @ 325 for 18 min or until just golden on the bottom and the tips of coconut.
    Enjoy your week of slothing , all 20 minutes of it ;)

  11. MrsChris SA says:

    Wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas – enjoy your slothdom and looking forward to a new year filled with your delightful and insightful posts!!

  12. Tres says:

    Best post ever

  13. Sophie Duke says:

    Been reading for decades! (Okay maybe only for two years!) And I have enjoyed each and every post even if they were totally irrelevant to my life (like chickens – but I love your chickens and the narratives you develop around them)! Most posts you lift my spirits and make me laugh – so important as I suffer from a terribly rare autoimmune and rare illness. I am forever grateful to you. In my younger life, I WAS you, fiercely independent, incredibly competent, and a very quick learner. I’ll never forget in my early 30s, I decided to build a fence along my driveway which required working with wood and creating brick pillars. I managed to figure out how to do it relatively easily. But neighbours and their children walked by, stood and stared, and kept asking if I knew what I was doing. (Only in Alberta in the early 80s.) long winded way of saying thank you, I appreciate you, and I wish I could give you a gift for making me laugh! Merry Christmas Karen, and to your cats and other loved ones.

  14. Deb says:

    Merry Christmas, Karen! Can’t wait for more of your wit and wisdom in 2017!

  15. Terri J. says:

    Merry Christmas Karen. Hope you get to enjoy your almost time off. Really appreciate all the hard work you do on this site.

  16. Birgit says:

    Merry Christmas Karen for you and your family! Enjoy, relax and fight well. Read you next year. Did I ever tell you, that besides Eddie Izzard you are the only person that makes me laugh so hard? Thank you for that. Take care.

  17. Wisconsin Gal says:

    Oh, I think I’d love a sloth too. Along with a miniature pony (he could live inside with me) a koala and a hedgehog. Relax, put on a few clothes for warmth and toast to family, friends and that fact that you are Canadian and the world loves Canadians.

  18. Liz Douglas says:

    Have a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Thank you so much for all of the laughter and fun and information that you have given us.

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