I had one of the biggest scares of my life. I've always wondered how I'd react if I came face to face with an intruder. Here's the good news; now I know.
Most break-ins happen in the middle of the day, in nice weather, in the summer. Those who break into homes don't like venturing out at night and certainly don't want to go to work when it's raining and risk frizzy hair.
So really, burglars are just like you and I, only they're missing a conscience. And a hairdryer. Plus they're shitheads, so there's that.
Here's what happened. If you know me, you know that I'm always building or breaking something. When you build something you need power tools.
And sometimes you needs to borrow those tools from a sister who owns enough power tools to build a suburban subdivision.
Pink Tool Belt had a compound mitre saw I wanted to borrow and it was at a house she was renovating. She wasn't at the house, but she gave me the key to go in and get the saw.
At around 5:00 on a Friday afternoon I drove over to the house.
I pulled into the driveway, gravel crunching under my tires, and walked towards the back door. I slipped the key into the keyhole and opened the door. I walked into a house that had that weird feeling of a home that isn't lived in.
An empty shell where sounds bounce off walls like lottery balls in an air chute.
Knowing no one was supposed to be in the house working, I was taken aback when I thought I could hear some sort of sound when I got inside. A kind of shuffling from somewhere in the house but I couldn't pinpoint where the sound might be coming from.
At that point I did what everyone does when they hear something alarming. I ignored it.
I took a quick look around to see some of the work my sister had done and then went to the basement to get the saw. Yes, the dark, scary basement.
I don't mind telling you I didn't entirely want to go into the basement. Something didn't feel right about this whole episode.
I ran upstairs out of the basement with the saw (yes, I really ran, the saw is extremely lightweight which is why I wanted to borrow it) and set it down to turn the light off. That's when I heard the shuffling noise again and this time I knew I couldn't ignore it - because I was officially scared.
I got that tingly feeling in my toes and a dribble of pee escaped. Those are the official scared warnings.
And then I did something really stupid.
You know in horror movies when the next idiot who's about to get killed goes TOWARDS the ominous sound instead of away from it? Yeah, I did that.
And because I'm a blogger, I also whipped out my phone just in case this was a potential viral moment that would lead to me retiring in the French countryside.
I'm O.K. The squirrel's O.K. Everyone is O.K. I didn't get to move to the French countryside but I did invest in a squirrel finger puppet which I will use as a communication aid in my next squirrel negotiations.
Amy Watson
Karen......you scared the shit outta me....damn it.
Yabut
LOL...I am glad it was just a squirrel, and I do hope he wasn't trapped in there long enough to cause any damage. I thought I heard something here when I came in one day too. There is a big stick by the door that I picked up before venturing further. It's not a smart thing to do, going looking for trouble like that. Luckily, though I checked every room carefully, there was nobody here. I wear a hearing aid and don't always recognize common sounds so there's no telling what it is that I actually heard. We both should know better though, eh.
Marilyn Meagher
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
Lindy
Oh Karen,
You just gave me such a gift. First time in just over three years that I could laugh at an intruder story and I did, heartily. My intruder story did not end so well because a soul lost their life...I was afraid to watch your video which is my "norm" these days regarding intruders. I thank the universe for your story today. What fun you will be having with that story now that your heartbeat went back to normal!!!! Do have such a lovely weekend on your journey of life.
Deb Ketchum
you used squirrel nut zippers
LOLOLOL!!!!!
Orval Redenbacher
I knew it would be an animal of some kind based on the build up and as soon as the eerie music began it was 100% an over dramatic setup
Kara
KAREN omg stahp
Leisa Joan
Thanks for my laugh of the day. loved it.
Barbie Knoop
HA HA HA! Best song choice ever! You're the master Karen.
Sabina
OMG YOU MADE MY WEEK!!! I have a few friends that I have this running theme of squirrel memes, gifs, jokes, etc. with, and now I can't wait to share this with them!!!
Alena
So Pink Tool Belt is flipping houses now? The house looks good.
When I lived in my previous house, I had unwelcome visitors one day (I think it was on May 31 but I am not sure). I returned home from work as usual and I was immediately mortified because none of my 3 greyhounds was behind the front door. That was very unusual because normally they would be all staring out the window right next to the door by the time I got out of the car. I called but they were not upstairs either. I ran to the backdoor and I saw all three of them behind the door, in the backyard. They looked like drowned rats because there was thunderstorm in the afternoon. My first thought was that I must be really losing it if I left for work and forgot to let them in. I let them in, dried them with the dish towel (the back door was in the kitchen, close to the sink) and suddenly I realized, without having to return to the living room to check, that the TV was gone. The shitheads also helped themselves to my computer but it looked like they did not touch anything else.
They must have opened the back door to let the dogs out (in order to get rid of them) - as if greyhounds would care (as long as nobody was taking the sofa from underneath them, they could not care less).
I was so grateful nothing happened to the dogs (except for being left outside in a downpour).
Pat Kears
Just walked into my Mom's house that has been empty since she went to be with the spirit in the sky.. The alarm system wasn't working properly so I went to the basement to start the "what the hell is wrong inspection." I flicked on the light and to my un-delight, a dead squirrel was on the floor at the bottom of the steps. YIKES.......slammed the door, called my brother, the dead squirrel retriever, and left. Waiting for the call that the squirrel attended his own funeral courtesy of brother and what the intruder's point of entry was so the alarm can be dealt with. I will deal with snakes, mice, possums, and other critters as long as they are alive....can't do carcasses.
Therese
Very good!
Loved it. Especially loved the music accompaniment. :)
tew
Elen G
Hahahahaha. The music was perfection.
Lynn
You and Squirrel Nut Zippers are the reasons I turned on the computer today!
Gretchen Sexton
So good!
LOVE it.
Mary W
Really fun post today - loved it. My Grandpa loved wildlife and when he built a new home back in 1940 he had a milk door (back when milkmen drops off fresh milk during the week) into his picture window in the kitchen. He built a shelf outside and propped a tree branch to the shelf. He opened the little door and set nuts on the shelf and on his kitchen table. We would sit there with our oatmeal and squirrels and chipmunks would come up and in and sit at the table with us to eat. SO FUN - until some wild chipmunks began running through the house like nuts! That ended the fun for grandpa and me.
Dawn
Perfect music!!!!
My coworkers are wondering why I am laughing so hard at my desk.
I'm glad to know in the outcome, you were safe!
Close call. Good thing you got everyone one involved to "be calm".
Stefanie Barrett
Awesome choice of music!
Jenny
I have a coworker who found out that raccoons were living in her house when she woke up to a nice pile of raccoon poop on her pool table. :)