THE PENIS … THAT BIG OLE’ PURPLE THING.

The only time most women give their lady parts a second thought is when those lady parts start acting up.  This can happen in 1 of 3 ways and always results in a trip to 1 of 3 places.  If they itch, burn or bleed you’ll be heading to either the medicine cabinet, the drugstore or the doctor.  If they do all three you’ll first head to Google.  It’s spelled “gonorrhoea” by the way.  And if you need to know how to spell that, you’ll probably also need to know how to spell the words “subpoena” and “you asshole”.

Other than those few occasions when our lady parts speak up, it’s really as if they don’t exist.  I mean they’re pretty useful when the time is right and babies rocket out of them like nobody’s business, but for the most part our vagina’s are our silent partners in life.  We don’t talk to them, they don’t talk to us and the world goes around just fine.

Men are different.

If you’ve ever been pregnant or read a baby book you probably know that for the first 2 months or so in the womb, the fetus is really neither a girl nor a boy.  After a few weeks the fetus develops something called “indifferent gonads”, which will eventually become either ovaries or testicles, but for the time being, they’re nothing.  They’re indifferent.  They’re completely and totally loosey goosey about what sex they are.  They’re  just a few cells holding their place in line until they decide to either scream HEY WE’RE BALLS, or HEY WE’RE BABY MAKERS.

During the 2nd month of gestation …that’s when shit gets real.  At around week 7 or 8 stuff starts happening.  The Y chromosome, in an attempt to establish dominance, starts peeing testosterone all over the place and the “boy” is born.

It is my belief that this is also the exact moment all men name their penis.

So pregnant mothers be careful about everything you do when you’re 8 weeks pregnant.  Innocently whipping up a batch of Rice Krispie squares could result in your son referring to his penis as Marshmallow for the rest of his life.

Men admire, talk to, name, point out, play with, whip back and forth, dress up and even have lengthy, emotional discussions with their penises.  From, like, day 1 basically.  Oddly they don’t seem to need privacy for any of it.

A man is happy for you to watch him scrunch, move, stretch or ricochet Marshmallow from one side of his pants to the other, because even though he knows he is the proud owner of his very own penis, YOU might not be aware of his good fortune.  Think of it like a dog who loves to show you his toy.  He has a toy, he’s proud of his toy, and even if he’s going to run away with that toy right away, he wants you to know he is the lucky, lucky owner of that toy.

Like I said, men are different.

And so are the many names for their penis.  A few years ago on this very blog I referred to a man’s penis as a “dink”.  I didn’t think anything of it.  That’s what people round these parts refer to it as. A dink.  I mean not everyone, all the time; urologists still haven’t caught on for instance and only the hippest of them tell men they’re going to insert this garden hose sized tube into their dink.  Most of them still use official terminology, like ding dong.

In fact, it was through one of my readers that I learned her southern grandmother’s term for it,  “that ole’ purple thang”.  Which gives new meaning to the term colourful description.

I guess you know where this is heading don’t you.  I’ve done it once before, and I’m doing it once again.  Asking you for the terms you and your family use for “penis”.  Dink?  That ole’ purple thang?  Weiner?  What is it?

Let the world’s most entertaining comment section commence …

p.s. don’t forget to come *back* to this post later today to read the results!

274 Comments

  1. Chelsea Randall says:

    Tallywhacker!

  2. Lisa says:

    Never mind what I used to call it “that ole’ purple thang” is too perfect. Oh and dillywhacker. 🙂

  3. TONI says:

    WHOOJABADIDDLEPOPPER ……………….. !

  4. Bahahahahaha this is freaking hilarious! seriously was not expecting that and busted out laughing. My husband already knows i’m crazy so it’s all good.

    thanks for the laugh!

  5. Michelle says:

    I grew up with dinger and tallywacker but married the pink thing. Ummm red heads are not purple. I am the odd person who loves orange men. Lol

  6. Ellen in Illinois says:

    …that was unexpected……now tomorrow “dick” will come to mind often and unfortunately…. You are entertaining!!!

  7. Well, back in Germany the local term was Schnackel. Has a nice sound to it, don’t you think? Now it seems to be ‘willy’ which is pretty wishy-washy, if you ask me.

  8. Ella says:

    We called them dinks when we were growing up too!! (Yes, I am in Ontario too). Hmm, I call it his Bad Boy but the boyfriend calls it either Buddy or Mr Big.

    LMAO!!!

  9. Laura says:

    Growing up, it was called a wee wee. My husband calls it a wang. I call them UGLY

  10. MrsChris SA says:

    And you are very concerned about the varying names for a ‘schlong” (SA version – mainly for a rather large one) because why? Also another name – one eyed Cobra – that would petrify any woman!!!!

    Nudge nudge wink wink??????

  11. Gina Rose says:

    Cannot atop laughing. And once done forwarding to every cool woman I know, will expand your followers greatly.
    PS: had a guy who insisted on calling his “The Whopper.

  12. Jennifer Lee says:

    When I was 5, my Mom and I were visiting a lady and her son, also 5. The son was taking a shower. When the rest of us heard agonized screaming, we all ran to the bathroom. The poor boy had accidentally turned very hot water on. I later asked Mom what that “thing” was. Like a good, 1958 mother, she told me it was a penis, but either I misheard her or just refused to believe that “penis” could be a real word, because I thought of it as a “peanut” for maybe 5 years. Well, it DID look a lot like a peanut.

    • Nathalie says:

      My daughter also misunderstood us and called it a peanut! We thought it was cute and didn’t correct her until we saw the horrified look on her face when she heard someone talking about peanut butter.

      • Jenifer says:

        OMG! There is now coffee sprayed EVERYWHERE! Peanut butter! I will be laughing the rest of the day! 😀

      • Jennifer Lee says:

        Thanks for that. After all these years, now I don’t feel so silly! If she’s old enough now, tell her SHE’S not the only one, either. If she’s anything like me, it will make her feel better.

    • Diane says:

      This reminds me of a joke:

      Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother ‘Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!’ Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, ‘It reminded me of a peanut.’ Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s Mom asked, ‘Really small, was it?’ Sally replied, ‘No… salty!’

  13. Ron says:

    A friend of mine used to refer to it as a one-eyed trouser snake.

  14. marli says:

    Go out to the henhouse and find that Rooster. You know, the Cock. There ya go.

    PS: Hubby told me after I read your last post re: “the big old purple thing”, the difference between pink and purple is grip. So there ya go again.

    PPS: I love your blog.

  15. Gayle M says:

    A woman who I worked with frequently spoke about her husband James referring to his as “Big Jim and the boys.” In this household (hubby, 2 son’s, and 2 male dogs–man! Was i outnumbered!), it was just regular biological terminology–“penis” I know, boooooooring! But my men didn’t put up with any of my silly nonsense.

    FUN reading, I’ll say.

    • Rintin says:

      In our home, it’s “Big Jim and the Twins”. I can’t help but smile at that. Every. Time. … still!!

      We also use “schmeckel”, you know, when we’re talking about serious, grown up penis-related issues.

  16. Jennifer Lee says:

    I just realized how funny “indifferent gonads” is. As if they shrug. They couldn’t care less. Later, when they belong to a teen, they are no longer indifferent.

  17. Tracie says:

    Well, on my mom’s side of the family they always called them “LaLa’s.” Even as a greeting. “Hey Milt, how’s your LaLa?” When my younger sister had her son, she called it a “doo” for some reason, as in “don’t forget to wash your doo!” But really, most names sound pretty ridiculous in my books…;)

    • Wendy says:

      Most names do sound kind of dismissive of our men’s deep regard for their member.
      I think cock is the best.
      Cock. Cock. Yes, it confers respect and sounds sexy at the same time. To me, anyway!

      Love love love your blog, Karen!

      By the way Karen, it’s cock, not caulk!

  18. Melissa says:

    Holy Moly Guacamole…I almost put off reading this as I was heading off to bed…only to be captivated by the word “penis” in the headline.

    That thing, that silly ol’ thing…I just call it a penis, which makes my momma cringe. But I have a medical background, and daughters, and I just call it as I see it…P.E.N.I.S. And Vagina. Another word that makes my momma cringe (which is probably why she never had the birds and bees talk with me, she was scared of the words PENIS and VAGINA…which I love saying, just to see her cringe).

    Every once in a while, if changing a grandson’s diapy, I’ll say “Stop playing with your PeePee”, which immediately gets giggles and more playing with his PeePee. Geesh…boys.

    My sister called my nephews his “Whanker”…oh the horrors…I mean, Whanker?? Really?? He still calls it that.

    My husband will say his “Wein”…short I guess for Weiner….but, all I can think of is hot dogs at that point…not so romantic, I tell him.

    I do call people Dick Head a lot…does that count?

  19. TucsonPatty says:

    For oh so many years – pee-pee, as in “Baliff, whack his pee-pee!” Anyone remember that Cheech and Chong reference? I don’t recall any good ones (names, that is) but weiner, wienie, dong dong, and yes, penis. Not very imaginative, I’m afraid. Looking forward to new vocabulary words to learn to spell!

    • TucsonPatty says:

      Ding dong

    • Linda says:

      I remember that Cheech & Chong…one of my favorites, right along with “Dave’s not here”.
      With little boys, it’s mostly a winkydink although that’s kinda weird because it’s also the name for boxed macaroni & cheese. hahaha! For big boys I guess it’s just a dick but I may have to adopt some of the more interesting names here.

  20. Cynthia Jones says:

    “donger” in Australia (affectionate)
    “ol’ fella” (blue collars workers)
    “dick” (considered crude).
    “Schlong” ( large one).
    “cheerio” = cocktail sausage (small red one)
    “blue vein steak” (my ex husband’s term)

    Now I feel sick.

    In jovial moments, my husband says “Big Thomas and the Twins”. (he’s a darling but deluded).

    “lipstick” for the canine variety. Eg: “Ay, he’s got his lipstick out” in a drawl.

    I have never, ever heard of a “dink”. Cute.

  21. Nancy says:

    We sometimes refer to it as the ugly mushroom — that’s what my neighbor’s kid declared the wind-up penis to be that she found in my apartment (long story).

  22. Dana says:

    Bits, as in, don’t forget to wash your stinky bits. It’s really an all-encompassing term.

  23. Sue says:

    Another one from the US South. “Fishing worm” is what we used to call a child’s penis.

  24. Nicky CCD says:

    I have come across a few names through the years. One was “Wally”, and an Italian would call his “Batista”. For the French people the common slang name is “La Graine” or even “La Queue”

  25. dana says:

    You are hilarious, Karen! Hubby calls it his penis. I call it a peen. Even the most lovely of all of them looks like a carrot and two potatoes that should have been thrown out 6 months ago. Thats my opinion, of course. ?

  26. Teri says:

    My mother (Manitoba) used “dink”. Maybe a Canadian thing? Referring to, ahem, shrinkage, during our cold winters? Dinky toy?
    My ex called it the one eyed trouser snake. When my son was little I called it his pee pee.
    Now I just call it, and frequently it’s owner, a dick.
    I love me some edifying reading before bed. You never disappoint.

    • pat says:

      Dink seems to be common in Canada. I’ve lived in Saskatchewan, Alberta and B.C. and heard dink. Calling someone a dick head and pecker head aren’t unusual either.

      In order to keep my cousin (when he was a toddler obviously) away from my Grandpa’s pond, my Aunt used to tell him the resident turtles will bite his penis. “Don’t go down to the pond or the turtles will get your Flink.” Flink? Never heard that one anywhere else.

  27. Anonymous says:

    Before becoming intimate in our relationship, my SO referred to his as “Little Sir.” I asked him about the name and he said once he was old enough to be called Sir, he thought “Little Sir” was appropriate. I never thought to ask what he called it before that. Once I got to know them both I said I felt that was rather too formal so he changed its….. excuse me, “his” name to the “Little Guy.”

    Funny, I was just thinking about this the other day and had the same thoughts as you… it’s strange but ALL men do this and NO women name our body parts or treat any part of our body the way men do their penis.

    Since the “Big Guy” has an online presence I’m going to post this as anonymous. *smile*

  28. Deborah says:

    Girls parts are tweeters and boy parts are woofers.

  29. Robin says:

    My EX-husband (important distinction) named his Shamu, in reference to the famous and very large killer whale at SeaWorld years ago. He had quite a high opinion of himself…and inaccurate, I might add…

  30. Tami says:

    That’s what call hubbys thing-a-ma-jig.

  31. Stacey says:

    I grew up with high school boys referring inappropriately to their dink. Ontario thing?
    Just wondering though, how many husbands, other than my own like to do the twist naked after getting out of the shower? What is with that?

  32. Samantha says:

    I had a boyfriend who proudly made an entrance introducing his parts with the description “3 inches of pink steel”.

    • TucsonPatty says:

      I keep trying to decide if he was proud of 3 inches? If it was steel and only 3 inches at that point, poor you. Oops, did I just say that out loud? Funny .

  33. Jennifer says:

    I’m a nurse and my mom was a nurse, so it’s called a penis. My husband has no medical background so he calls it Mr Happy. Now that I type that out it sounds pretty silly.
    I hope you know you’ve brought the gift of laughter until the tears roll to hundreds of people this evening!

  34. Kristi Smith says:

    Weiner and dick are the most common terms in my family, used by/referring to adults. My nephew calls his “my pickle” which was very confusing at a smorgasbord once.

  35. Sherry in Alaska says:

    Too funny! Sooo… I asked Google. What any reasonable person would do. Right? Well the listings of multiple names are staggering. So I just grabbed one and here’s the address for what claims to be the longest (Hmmmmm) ((Several others also claim this. Sound familiar?)): https://web.stanford.edu/~eckert/PDF/PenisTesticlesSlang.pdf
    And I don’t believe I’m really the only woman ever to name my lady parts. I just don’t believe it! Fibbers! I named mine Milli (for the restaurant at the end of the universe – Milliways). Desirable and very farout…… Come on ladies, stop fibbing. Woman Up!

    • Karen says:

      Nope, lol. I’ve literally never heard of a woman doing that. You could be a trailblazer Sherry. ~ karen!

      • Karin in NC says:

        Me neither. We often call them things like “the girls” (for breasts) and “hoohaw” or “lady bits” for vagina, but I have never known a woman or girl who actually named them. Unlike men – all of whom I’ve ever known have named their penis.
        My mother was a nurse, so we went with the “real” names – penis and vagina. Some of the older ladies in the family were shocked when they would hear a four year old refer to her vagina!

        • nancy says:

          Me too, I’m a nurse and my kids are still mad they never got pee pee kinda names for their bits. Although my son adores “expelling flatus”.

    • Grammy says:

      No, you are not. Mine is Natasha. Haven’t called her that (or anything else) for at least 35 years, but the first few years my husband and I were married they were Boris and Natasha. Don’t know why, seemed like a good idea at the time.

      • Jennifer Lee says:

        I love Rocky and Bullwinkle. and the names are appropriate when you remember that their complete names were Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale!

        • Grammy says:

          That has to be it! I’d forgotten all about Rocky and Bullwinkle, but the Boris and Natasha have to have come from that. Now it’s going to drive me nuts trying to remember WHY.

          • Jennifer Lee says:

            There was a live-action movie about Boris and Natasha. It came out in 1992, was on Showtime as well, and did poorly. Any help?

            • Grammy says:

              Nope. We were married in the ’70s. I really can’t remember why we came up with those silly names, because it was a second marriage for both of us and our kids were way past cartoon age when we got together. Probably just some little inside joke we had that fell by the wayside long ago — but we’re still happily making up stupid jokes together, so there’s that.

          • Jennifer Lee says:

            Well, did you ask him? You guys are probably my age. I watched Rocky and Bullwinkle a lot, as a kid. Any way, as I mentioned, his name is basically “Boris Bad-enuff”, and she’s Natasha Fatale (femme fatale, eh?) That’s reason enuff for me!

            • Grammy says:

              He doesn’t remember, either. Only that we used the names and laughed. Rocky and Bullwinkle didn’t exist until we were adults.

    • Joan says:

      My husband named mine – I’m Mable, his is George. When we see the name Mable in public, we both crack up.

    • Magz says:

      I didn’t name mine myself, but she did become Jane when my husband called his Tarzan!

  36. Spike says:

    When my son was little he called it his “winkie “. Our daughter was jealous so she named her girl parts her “winkle”.

  37. Catherine says:

    Todger or winkle…..

  38. Rene Walkin says:

    In England it’s almost universally termed a “willy” Silly, really……………fun subject for a blog!

  39. Noelle says:

    My sister, (who doesn’t use the internet, so I’m safe here) , called her sons penises their “dingle dangles” but she refers to her own bits as her hoohaw sooooo…..

    • Jenny says:

      Hoo-ha is pretty common for vagina, I think. I had to have an uncomfortable conversation with a coworker who referred to her three daughters as “those hoo-ha’s” like “oh those hoo-ha’s were just total pains this week.” I was like, soooooooo, just FYI….you are calling your three daughters a very common slang word for vagina. She wouldn’t believe me until several other coworkers chimed in, then she was annoyed that no one told her sooner. ^_^

      My husband and I were just talking about this topic last night–we’re expecting a boy in the Spring and we’ll have to decide if we want to be medical or euphemistic. 🙂 It mostly depends on the situation and context. For example, a snowman in our neighborhood was definitely described as having a stick dick whereas if I have to refer to our 3-yr-old nephew, it’s “his business” as in “Our nephew had his hands all up in his business.”
      Despite being in medicine my husband uses a variety of terms including knacker, weiner, schnacker, dick, nutsack, etc.

  40. Elizabeth says:

    I think my 73 year old mom still calls penises “hoo hoos”.

  41. Marna says:

    Funny! I called my son’s their penis(3 sons), but I have heard so many names for the part, and from my hubby he said all men name their penis when they are little. I think the most common terms I have heard are: willy, dick, trouser snake, one eyed monster, peepee, weewee, weiner, hot dog, monkey, kielbasa, sausage, little guy, junk. I think younger women name their parts too, I have heard some call them by name, things like Thelma and Louise for instance.

  42. Meat and potatoes. (Duh.)

  43. Ella Johnson says:

    Pepe (not pronounced pee-pee, but peh-pay). Also, when I was little I was convinced that sex was “something pretty that you hang on the wall.”

  44. Mo says:

    “Peepee-er”. Lol!

  45. John M Campbell says:

    Am I the only guy answering? Should I be concerned? Nervous? Nervousness can lead to shrinkage…everyone here knows that, right? In our house we all had a ‘wee-wee’…difference by gender be damned.

  46. Jenny W says:

    Dink has been heard around theses parts also -N.B., Canada- But another hugely popular term used all over the East Coast is, wait for it… Bird! Apparently Cock is a little too harsh back here lol 🙂

  47. Leticia says:

    Ok, after the education I got in the comments I’ll have to give you guys a Brazilian Portuguese perspective. Pinto (chick) is one very common name – for a mid range sized one, not small by any means – weird, right? Passarinho (little bird) is another one, this for a small one – that could get you in trouble. For instance we (me and my brother) joke that old men smell funny because of the rotten tomatoes and the dead bird in their trousers – but never to their faces. Then there’s the obvious: linguiça (sausage) also works here, pênis (penis) is pronounced pretty close to the word in English and actually vagina is written the same just pronounced a little different.

  48. Amy says:

    I guess im gonna have to comment since no one calls theirs what my son calls his… we started with Penis and Vagina being all correct and all. At 9 it has evolved to “Penie”…..

    My stepdaughter is grown with boys and she still cant bring herself to call her vagina a vagina. She calls it a Lucy….dont ask me….

  49. Emie says:

    It’s a wackadoodle for sure!

    • TucsonPatty says:

      OMG – I call people (not to their faces) that are a little crazy, “wack-a-doodle”.
      I didn’t realise I was also calling them a dick. I forgot many names until I read all the comments. If it is a dick what exactly is a dick-head? I thought it was simply a jerk, but now I know that a dick-head also has feet!! ; )

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