THE PENIS … THAT BIG OLE’ PURPLE THING.

The only time most women give their lady parts a second thought is when those lady parts start acting up.  This can happen in 1 of 3 ways and always results in a trip to 1 of 3 places.  If they itch, burn or bleed you’ll be heading to either the medicine cabinet, the drugstore or the doctor.  If they do all three you’ll first head to Google.  It’s spelled “gonorrhoea” by the way.  And if you need to know how to spell that, you’ll probably also need to know how to spell the words “subpoena” and “you asshole”.

Other than those few occasions when our lady parts speak up, it’s really as if they don’t exist.  I mean they’re pretty useful when the time is right and babies rocket out of them like nobody’s business, but for the most part our vagina’s are our silent partners in life.  We don’t talk to them, they don’t talk to us and the world goes around just fine.

Men are different.

If you’ve ever been pregnant or read a baby book you probably know that for the first 2 months or so in the womb, the fetus is really neither a girl nor a boy.  After a few weeks the fetus develops something called “indifferent gonads”, which will eventually become either ovaries or testicles, but for the time being, they’re nothing.  They’re indifferent.  They’re completely and totally loosey goosey about what sex they are.  They’re  just a few cells holding their place in line until they decide to either scream HEY WE’RE BALLS, or HEY WE’RE BABY MAKERS.

During the 2nd month of gestation …that’s when shit gets real.  At around week 7 or 8 stuff starts happening.  The Y chromosome, in an attempt to establish dominance, starts peeing testosterone all over the place and the “boy” is born.

It is my belief that this is also the exact moment all men name their penis.

So pregnant mothers be careful about everything you do when you’re 8 weeks pregnant.  Innocently whipping up a batch of Rice Krispie squares could result in your son referring to his penis as Marshmallow for the rest of his life.

Men admire, talk to, name, point out, play with, whip back and forth, dress up and even have lengthy, emotional discussions with their penises.  From, like, day 1 basically.  Oddly they don’t seem to need privacy for any of it.

A man is happy for you to watch him scrunch, move, stretch or ricochet Marshmallow from one side of his pants to the other, because even though he knows he is the proud owner of his very own penis, YOU might not be aware of his good fortune.  Think of it like a dog who loves to show you his toy.  He has a toy, he’s proud of his toy, and even if he’s going to run away with that toy right away, he wants you to know he is the lucky, lucky owner of that toy.

Like I said, men are different.

And so are the many names for their penis.  A few years ago on this very blog I referred to a man’s penis as a “dink”.  I didn’t think anything of it.  That’s what people round these parts refer to it as. A dink.  I mean not everyone, all the time; urologists still haven’t caught on for instance and only the hippest of them tell men they’re going to insert this garden hose sized tube into their dink.  Most of them still use official terminology, like ding dong.

In fact, it was through one of my readers that I learned her southern grandmother’s term for it,  “that ole’ purple thang”.  Which gives new meaning to the term colourful description.

I guess you know where this is heading don’t you.  I’ve done it once before, and I’m doing it once again.  Asking you for the terms you and your family use for “penis”.  Dink?  That ole’ purple thang?  Weiner?  What is it?

Let the world’s most entertaining comment section commence …

p.s. don’t forget to come *back* to this post later today to read the results!

274 Comments

  1. Chelsea Randall says:

    Tallywhacker!

  2. Lisa says:

    Never mind what I used to call it “that ole’ purple thang” is too perfect. Oh and dillywhacker. 🙂

  3. TONI says:

    WHOOJABADIDDLEPOPPER ……………….. !

  4. Bahahahahaha this is freaking hilarious! seriously was not expecting that and busted out laughing. My husband already knows i’m crazy so it’s all good.

    thanks for the laugh!

  5. Karen says:

    That’s a lie, lol!! You made that up on the spot, lolol! ~ karen!

  6. Michelle says:

    I grew up with dinger and tallywacker but married the pink thing. Ummm red heads are not purple. I am the odd person who loves orange men. Lol

  7. J says:

    Me too! Love me some
    Gingers! Married one.

  8. Karen says:

    I try to break out the klass every once in a while. ~ karen!

  9. Michelle says:

    Gingers are our secret! Shhh! Once you go red… Lol

  10. Ellen in Illinois says:

    …that was unexpected……now tomorrow “dick” will come to mind often and unfortunately…. You are entertaining!!!

  11. Well, back in Germany the local term was Schnackel. Has a nice sound to it, don’t you think? Now it seems to be ‘willy’ which is pretty wishy-washy, if you ask me.

  12. Ella says:

    We called them dinks when we were growing up too!! (Yes, I am in Ontario too). Hmm, I call it his Bad Boy but the boyfriend calls it either Buddy or Mr Big.

    LMAO!!!

  13. Laura says:

    Growing up, it was called a wee wee. My husband calls it a wang. I call them UGLY

  14. MrsChris SA says:

    And you are very concerned about the varying names for a ‘schlong” (SA version – mainly for a rather large one) because why? Also another name – one eyed Cobra – that would petrify any woman!!!!

    Nudge nudge wink wink??????

  15. Gina Rose says:

    Cannot atop laughing. And once done forwarding to every cool woman I know, will expand your followers greatly.
    PS: had a guy who insisted on calling his “The Whopper.

  16. Jennifer Lee says:

    When I was 5, my Mom and I were visiting a lady and her son, also 5. The son was taking a shower. When the rest of us heard agonized screaming, we all ran to the bathroom. The poor boy had accidentally turned very hot water on. I later asked Mom what that “thing” was. Like a good, 1958 mother, she told me it was a penis, but either I misheard her or just refused to believe that “penis” could be a real word, because I thought of it as a “peanut” for maybe 5 years. Well, it DID look a lot like a peanut.

  17. Ron says:

    A friend of mine used to refer to it as a one-eyed trouser snake.

  18. marli says:

    Go out to the henhouse and find that Rooster. You know, the Cock. There ya go.

    PS: Hubby told me after I read your last post re: “the big old purple thing”, the difference between pink and purple is grip. So there ya go again.

    PPS: I love your blog.

  19. Gayle M says:

    A woman who I worked with frequently spoke about her husband James referring to his as “Big Jim and the boys.” In this household (hubby, 2 son’s, and 2 male dogs–man! Was i outnumbered!), it was just regular biological terminology–“penis” I know, boooooooring! But my men didn’t put up with any of my silly nonsense.

    FUN reading, I’ll say.

  20. Jennifer Lee says:

    I just realized how funny “indifferent gonads” is. As if they shrug. They couldn’t care less. Later, when they belong to a teen, they are no longer indifferent.

  21. Tracie says:

    Well, on my mom’s side of the family they always called them “LaLa’s.” Even as a greeting. “Hey Milt, how’s your LaLa?” When my younger sister had her son, she called it a “doo” for some reason, as in “don’t forget to wash your doo!” But really, most names sound pretty ridiculous in my books…;)

  22. Melissa says:

    Holy Moly Guacamole…I almost put off reading this as I was heading off to bed…only to be captivated by the word “penis” in the headline.

    That thing, that silly ol’ thing…I just call it a penis, which makes my momma cringe. But I have a medical background, and daughters, and I just call it as I see it…P.E.N.I.S. And Vagina. Another word that makes my momma cringe (which is probably why she never had the birds and bees talk with me, she was scared of the words PENIS and VAGINA…which I love saying, just to see her cringe).

    Every once in a while, if changing a grandson’s diapy, I’ll say “Stop playing with your PeePee”, which immediately gets giggles and more playing with his PeePee. Geesh…boys.

    My sister called my nephews his “Whanker”…oh the horrors…I mean, Whanker?? Really?? He still calls it that.

    My husband will say his “Wein”…short I guess for Weiner….but, all I can think of is hot dogs at that point…not so romantic, I tell him.

    I do call people Dick Head a lot…does that count?

  23. Melissa says:

    Hahahahahahahahahaha

  24. TucsonPatty says:

    For oh so many years – pee-pee, as in “Baliff, whack his pee-pee!” Anyone remember that Cheech and Chong reference? I don’t recall any good ones (names, that is) but weiner, wienie, dong dong, and yes, penis. Not very imaginative, I’m afraid. Looking forward to new vocabulary words to learn to spell!

  25. TucsonPatty says:

    Ding dong

  26. Cynthia Jones says:

    “donger” in Australia (affectionate)
    “ol’ fella” (blue collars workers)
    “dick” (considered crude).
    “Schlong” ( large one).
    “cheerio” = cocktail sausage (small red one)
    “blue vein steak” (my ex husband’s term)

    Now I feel sick.

    In jovial moments, my husband says “Big Thomas and the Twins”. (he’s a darling but deluded).

    “lipstick” for the canine variety. Eg: “Ay, he’s got his lipstick out” in a drawl.

    I have never, ever heard of a “dink”. Cute.

  27. Nancy says:

    We sometimes refer to it as the ugly mushroom — that’s what my neighbor’s kid declared the wind-up penis to be that she found in my apartment (long story).

  28. Dana says:

    Bits, as in, don’t forget to wash your stinky bits. It’s really an all-encompassing term.

  29. Sue says:

    Another one from the US South. “Fishing worm” is what we used to call a child’s penis.

  30. Nicky CCD says:

    I have come across a few names through the years. One was “Wally”, and an Italian would call his “Batista”. For the French people the common slang name is “La Graine” or even “La Queue”

  31. dana says:

    You are hilarious, Karen! Hubby calls it his penis. I call it a peen. Even the most lovely of all of them looks like a carrot and two potatoes that should have been thrown out 6 months ago. Thats my opinion, of course. ?

  32. Teri says:

    My mother (Manitoba) used “dink”. Maybe a Canadian thing? Referring to, ahem, shrinkage, during our cold winters? Dinky toy?
    My ex called it the one eyed trouser snake. When my son was little I called it his pee pee.
    Now I just call it, and frequently it’s owner, a dick.
    I love me some edifying reading before bed. You never disappoint.

  33. Anonymous says:

    Before becoming intimate in our relationship, my SO referred to his as “Little Sir.” I asked him about the name and he said once he was old enough to be called Sir, he thought “Little Sir” was appropriate. I never thought to ask what he called it before that. Once I got to know them both I said I felt that was rather too formal so he changed its….. excuse me, “his” name to the “Little Guy.”

    Funny, I was just thinking about this the other day and had the same thoughts as you… it’s strange but ALL men do this and NO women name our body parts or treat any part of our body the way men do their penis.

    Since the “Big Guy” has an online presence I’m going to post this as anonymous. *smile*

  34. Deborah says:

    Girls parts are tweeters and boy parts are woofers.

  35. Robin says:

    My EX-husband (important distinction) named his Shamu, in reference to the famous and very large killer whale at SeaWorld years ago. He had quite a high opinion of himself…and inaccurate, I might add…

  36. Sera says:

    Aaaahahahahaha!

  37. Tami says:

    How about weinerschnitzel! That’s hat I call my hubby.

  38. Tami says:

    That’s what call hubbys thing-a-ma-jig.

  39. Stacey says:

    I grew up with high school boys referring inappropriately to their dink. Ontario thing?
    Just wondering though, how many husbands, other than my own like to do the twist naked after getting out of the shower? What is with that?

  40. Samantha says:

    I had a boyfriend who proudly made an entrance introducing his parts with the description “3 inches of pink steel”.

  41. Jennifer says:

    I’m a nurse and my mom was a nurse, so it’s called a penis. My husband has no medical background so he calls it Mr Happy. Now that I type that out it sounds pretty silly.
    I hope you know you’ve brought the gift of laughter until the tears roll to hundreds of people this evening!

  42. Kristi Smith says:

    Weiner and dick are the most common terms in my family, used by/referring to adults. My nephew calls his “my pickle” which was very confusing at a smorgasbord once.

  43. Sherry in Alaska says:

    Too funny! Sooo… I asked Google. What any reasonable person would do. Right? Well the listings of multiple names are staggering. So I just grabbed one and here’s the address for what claims to be the longest (Hmmmmm) ((Several others also claim this. Sound familiar?)): https://web.stanford.edu/~eckert/PDF/PenisTesticlesSlang.pdf
    And I don’t believe I’m really the only woman ever to name my lady parts. I just don’t believe it! Fibbers! I named mine Milli (for the restaurant at the end of the universe – Milliways). Desirable and very farout…… Come on ladies, stop fibbing. Woman Up!

  44. Spike says:

    When my son was little he called it his “winkie “. Our daughter was jealous so she named her girl parts her “winkle”.

  45. Catherine says:

    Todger or winkle…..

  46. Rene Walkin says:

    In England it’s almost universally termed a “willy” Silly, really……………fun subject for a blog!

  47. Noelle says:

    My sister, (who doesn’t use the internet, so I’m safe here) , called her sons penises their “dingle dangles” but she refers to her own bits as her hoohaw sooooo…..

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