I’ve never had much luck growing strawberries. Mainly I think it’s because I’ve never planted them. I’m not saying I’ve never had strawberry plants in my possession but I’ve never actually planted them. A couple of years ago I had some that a neighbour gave me but I just sort of sat them on top of the soil and thought about planting them until they died, at which point I felt a huge amount of relief because now I could just throw them into the compost bin which seemed way easier than planting them.
Last year I did plant some strawberries but it was late in the season so I didn’t get any fruit from them and any flowers that did form I pinched off to make stronger plants for this year. The few berries that did form had curious looking holes in them. Bite marks I suppose you’d call them. So no go on eating those. For me anyway.
This year I have committed to actually growing strawberries, taking care of them and making them into jam which I will then smear on bread, crumpets, and my tongue.
P.S. and also my fingers.
P.S.S. I know you’re supposed to leave the P.S. until the end of whatever you’re saying because it’s an afterthought. But this was an afterthought to my previous thought so as far as I’m concerned is perfectly acceptable.
If I was going to call this year THE YEAR OF THE EXPLOSIVE STRAWBERRY PATCH THAT ATE THE WORLD I was going to have to figure out how to a) grow them and b) keep them for myself.
So the first thing I did was put them in a HUGE container that keeps them off the ground and away from whatever is in my garden that has teeth.
This planter is from my pals at Lee Valley (who I write for). It’s meant for other things I think, but it works perfectly as a huge strawberry planter.
And look. I’m already successful. I have strawberries.
Did I fool you? I’m hoping I did. If not then I’m hoping I can at least fool animals with brains the size of a grape seed. Apparently, and I’ve never tried this before, but if you put out some decoy strawberries before your real strawberries ripen you can confuse all things with mouths.
All you have to do is paint some small rocks red and set them in with the strawberries. Now, I’ve seen people do this where they actually paint the rocks to look with strawberries, with little seeds and a bit of white near the top. I did not do that. It’s the sort of thing I’d love to do but I had to use my time wisely on rock painting day because I had a very important appointment with the last 5 episodes of Empire that night. Which I needed to be rested for of course otherwise I’d fall asleep during them.
What happens is the birds or moles or voles or passing neighbours mistake the red rocks for actual strawberries and break a tooth. Or a beak. At the very least they get disturbed at the low quality of produce in this section of the garden, so they make a mental note to not waste their time coming back. When the REAL strawberries grow in, the offending bird, mole, vole or neighbour skips them thinking they are also not worth biting into.
And that my friends is how I’m going to make this THE YEAR OF THE EXPLOSIVE STRAWBERRY PATCH THAT ATE THE WORLD.
If my decoys work I may also be making this THE YEAR OF THE EXPLOSIVE DENTAL BILLS FOR MY NEIGHBOURS.
You’ve been warned.
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