I’m sick. And I’m the worst kind of sick too. If you’ve been following me on Facebook you know that … I have a Man Cold. A cold I caught from a man. And as we all know, men get the exact same kinds of sicknesses that women get only much, much worse. They need constant help and attention to keep them from death.
And now I need constant help and attention to keep me from death.
My symptoms are limited. In fact, I only have two symptoms. Exhaustion and a fever. No sniffles, no cough, no sore throat. Just the inability to stay awake for more than a few hours at a time. I have successfully slept for 13 consecutive hours for the past 3 nights, embellished by several hours of sleeping throughout the day.
So, back by popular demand is the fella to help me with this post on how you can get a jump start on getting ready for Christmas. I am unable to write it on my own in my weakened state.
Me: Fella … what should everyone do to help them get ready for Christmas this weekend?
The Fella: Christmas isn’t this weekend.
Me: No, I realize that, but there’s a lot of work involved in getting ready for Christmas and I’ve created this Christmas Pledge, where everyone pledges to get the majority of the crap they need to get done prior to December 4th.
The Fella: Oh. Then make a list.
Me: That’s it? A list of what?
The Fella: A LIST. A LIST!
Me: So far this isn’t very helpful. My readers are used to a bit more insight. (The fella’s still a bit sick as well, so neither one of us is working at our full potential)
The Fella: Well, that’s what I do. I make a list. Oh look! Donny Brasco is on.
Me: Yeah. So, about this list … Telling them they need to make a list isn’t helpful. They need suggestions. Guidance. They need, for example, to know a list of what.
The Fella: Maybe you think your readers are stupider than they are.
Me: For the love of God.
The Fella: A list of presents to buy. Seriously … I keep a list in my pocket all year long and whenever someone mentions something they need or want, I write it down. I told you this already. You wrote it in a post a year ago! I know you did! I remember it. If they didn’t listen then they’re outta luck. They were warned. They were told what to do.
This is what the website’s designed for isn’t it! For just this stuff. If your readers are gonna just pick and choose what they listen to don’t come cryin’ here because … HEY! You know what? I could go do all my shopping tomorrow. I could be done by Saturday without breakin’ a sweat. You know why? ‘Cause I have a list. I could see what time the bad movie starts and I could be back in time for that movie. Maybe not the stocking, but the majority of it, and I could be back in time for whatever movie’s on the History Channel. Sound asleep on the couch, clutching the converter securely.
So. They should have paid attention.
Me: Yes, but since we’re a mere month and a half away from Christmas, and a lot of people haven’t done this, maybe that isn’t very helpful right now, so much as annoying.
The Fella: O.K. well … tell them to clean the house and put up decorations and shit. That’s all.
Me: You really have no idea what’s involved with getting ready for the holidays do you?
The Fella: (his eyes are now glazed over and he appears to have stopped breathing, totally immersed in watching Donnie Brasco which he has seen approximately 172 times already)
Me: Focus please. I’m sick and I need help.
The Fella: Oh really? The way I needed help when I was sick with the ebola which I’m pretty sure I got from the terrorists last week? Sick like that? When you wouldn’t give me any medicine for hours on end?
Me: You were at risk of overdosing on acetaminophen and Neo Citron.
The Fella: That’s bullshit. You’d make a terrible nurse.
Me: How about those holiday recommendations now?
The Fella: This is bullshit.
Me: How exactly is this bullshit?
The Fella: I dunno. It just is. I’m still close to being snatched by the Grim Reaper you know. You’re not the only one who’s sick. I’m still sick too. I think my eyeballs are moister than normal. I’d rather talk about my new jeans.
Me: Any other points you’d like to make about getting ready for the holiday season?
The Fella: Yes. Be prepared. Have a plan. Enlist help. Explain to significant others that things are about to become a shitshow. As a significant other, I find the best way to help is by staying out of the way. You can’t go wrong with staying out of the way. If all else fails, organize a cookie exchange. If you gimme a sec., I’ll call my dad and get a list of the true cookies. Just as soon as Donnie Brasco’s over.
And that, my Internet friends, is what I have for you today. So to recap, our tips on preparing early for Christmas this year, make a list last February, watch Donnie Brasco, stay out of the way and randomly refer to things as bullshit. And for the love of God … don’t get sick.
Works for me.
Update: The true cookie list will be made public in next Wednesday’s post (November 16th, 2011)!