THE TIME THAT GIRL BRUSHED HER TEETH WITH VAGISIL.

Yeah, I thought that would get your attention. It sure got mine.

Last week when I told the story about my sister accidentally lining her lips with black eyeliner in the middle of a grocery store, a reader commented with something along the lines of “I see your lip liner story and raise you a Brushing my teeth with Vagisil”.

And yes, I’m pretty sure there’s only one kind of Vagisil.

We’ve all done it. Something stupid/embarrassing and (many years or beers later), hilarious. In fact one of the most read posts on my website is all about a a girl, a first date and a fart.

As soon as I read NinaMargoJune’s comment about the Vagisil I immediately thought of the time I decided to try to multitask by brushing my teeth while I was sitting on the toilet.  I sat, I peed, I brushed and by force of habit when the time came that I needed to spit my toothpaste out, I did that too.  All over the bathroom floor.

I’m pretty conditioned to think there’s a sink under my face when I’m brushing my teeth.

And then last summer, in another episode of trying to save time I decided if I just jigged my leaf blower a certain way I’d be able to eliminate one of the leaf blowing steps.  My leaf blower is also a leaf sucker that has a bag attached that all the shredded leaves go into. Every 10 minutes or so I have to pull off the big, heavy bag, and empty it into a paper yard bag.  It’s a bit of a pain.  I’m very, very smart, so I figured I could just eliminate that attached bag altogether and just keep a yard bag under the leaf blower so all the shredded leaves would fall right into that.  Here’s a picture so you have a better idea of what I’m talking about …

 

 

leaves

 

See how I got rid of the bag that attaches to the leaf blower and threw it aside so I could implement my better idea of holding the blower directly over a paper yard bag?  See how happy I am?  How smoothly it all went?  That was in my imagination.  How I pictured it would go.  This is how it actually went …

 

 

leaf-explosion

 

There I was standing out on the sidewalk on a Saturday afternoon, when WHOOMP.  I forgot that the very, very, rapidly, fast moving air that sucks the leaves up into the leaf sucker, blows them out with the same force.  Air came flying out of the bottom of the leaf blower, hit the leaves that were already in the paper yard bag and sent them flying into the air all around me like an atomic bomb.  And it happened in an instant.

I had leaves in my bra.  In my ears.  In my mouth.

You want to know what my first thought was the SECOND this happened?  OMG I hope everyone saw that.  It was too funny not to be shared.  It was like something out of a cartoon.  So I looked around, up and down the street and not a single person saw.  This wasn’t like when you half trip while walking down the street alone and hope no one saw.  THIS was something people needed to see!

Nobody saw. A moment of accidental comedic genius wasted.

It was awful.

It could have been embarrassing this moment, but it was just so ridiculous, so perfect, SO hilarious … it wasn’t.

That time I was on a cruise and upon meeting the ship’s Captain at dinner and blurted out “How do you do?” like I was a debutante.  THAT was embarrassing.  Or the time in highschool when a boy I had a crush on said hi and I said “Greetings” back.  GREETINGS?   Evidently I am bound and determined to make a really weird first impression at all times.

So.  Now it’s your turn.  I’m sure you all have much better examples of stupidity than I do.  Because as I established near the beginning of this post I am smart, smart, smart.
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(One second I was the coolest girl on the street, the next I looked like I was about to slowly rise out of the bushes in the jungles of Vietnam.)

Have a good weekend!

p.s. If you read my 10 Seed Starting Tips post on Wednesday and the link to my half price ($15) seed starting video was broken, I’ve fixed it so here you go … I personally email out the course information packet so if you don’t get it immediately it’s only because I was asleep when your order came in. It’s coming. I promise.




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170 Comments

  1. Janelle says:

    1. Pointed a hose at the base of a fruit tree and pulled the lever – had it facing backwards, sprayed myself directly in the face at close range. 2. Used to get the kids a milkshake from Burger King if they were less than totally wretched in the grocery store which was next door. Drove into the drive-thru and went to order at the speaker thingy but it was gone and then I noticed construction all around me and the fact that the Burger King was being changed into a credit union and the take out window was now a yet-to-be-installed drive-thru cash machine…but, I couldn’t just book it out of there because they had the drive-thru exit blocked off with a saw horse, so I had to reverse out of the drive-thru in my truck with roofers staring down in disbelief and thee little children whining about milkshakes. Now, whenever any of my friends do something stupid, I say “ever try to order a milkshake at a bank”?

  2. Mark says:

    Karen, you were in camo as a scarecrow. 🙂

  3. Brandy Ballard says:

    Got you beat. I drive a little truck….my mother and I went Christmas shopping so the bed was FILLED….we then decided to go to the drive-thru car wash.

  4. When I met Chris Isaak, I said to him “I’m a Chris, too” because I was so nervous and couldn’t think of anything cooler to say to him (seriously?). My friend that was with me NEVER let me live that down. However, years later, I watched a Sopranos episode in which the Christopher character met another Christopher and said the SAME EXACT THING! I didn’t feel so bad after I saw that! lol

  5. Centi says:

    This is hilarious!

    Reminds me of the time I wanted to read the ingredients list on a jar of artificial honey (it’s really awful but it’s cheap, so my parents used to buy it) while the lid was open. I turned the jar a bit and then all the sticky stuff poured out… which I didn’t notice.
    I did this while sitting at an old wooden table with lots of cracks in it.

    That was great, too.

  6. Ann says:

    Like you, I was multi-tasking while on the toilet. I proceeded to rub my sore knee with a product called BioFreeze, which goes on cold and quickly changes to heat….for a long time. Noticed I had started my period, inserted a tampon, and have a story that will entertain for eons.

    • Elaine says:

      Ouch!! That sounds awful!

    • Olivers Mom says:

      My comrade, I once applied good old Ben Gay to my knees before ballet class while peeing beccause you don’t want to go through all that with a leotard on and I always skipped the panties for no lines….so I cleverly finished up and pulled my tights staight up….too much already said…

      • mbaker says:

        Been there! Not with the ballet, but the Bengay and a pair of jeans. The worst part was that I initially thought everything was fine but then over time the fabric shifted. 🙁

    • Jenifer says:

      OMG!!!! Someone help me up off of the floor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m rolling!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • Linda says:

        Ben Gay stories are epic. My husband mistook Ben Gay for hemorrhoid cream. Youch!!!

        • Jenny says:

          I did the opposite and thought I was rubbing Ben Gay cream on my neck before bed. I was annoyed at how little warmth I felt but figured maybe it was expiring or something. In the morning I finally put in my contacts and realized that I’d rubbed toothpaste all over my neck and shoulders.

    • Eva says:

      I got the sponges that are used monthly. The package instructions said to add some floss for a removal string. Time comes, I attach the floss and insert. Well, some parts of the body don’t care for minty freshness.

    • Amanda says:

      I once used too little toilet paper…on the one day that I had just finished chopping jalapenos & habaneros, so I feel your pain. :/

  7. sara says:

    At around midnight a few years ago, I was the only car waiting at a stop light. A cop pulled up next to me, I looked over at him, made eye contact, hit the gas, and drove right through that red light. To this day, I have no idea why. It wasn’t on purpose, I wasn’t trying to be cool or break the law, I’m no daredevil. I just was so nervous I guess I forgot how to function. It was so odd and dumb, I’m embarrassed every time I think about it.

    • Holly says:

      omg…lol!! Hope he was understanding. You do know you were the main topic (You’re not going to believe this…) back at the precinct later on, don’t you? : ) It sounds like something I would do!

      • sara says:

        I think he could tell I was just as surprised as he was that it happened. He basically just laughed at me and then I drove the rest of the way home, humiliated.

  8. Jennie Lee says:

    I’m glad you wear eye protection when operating your leaf vac without the bag, Karen. At least you followed part of the safety instructions, which kept things hilarious instead of tragic. I once sucked up a rock with my leaf vac, and it went THROUGH the BAG! Made a hole right through it! That rock is probably still in orbit.

  9. Chris says:

    Collapsing with laughter over here! Ever placed an order at the Timmy`s into the garbage can before the speaker? And, going way back, that time I nervously fidgeted with my belt (the elastic kind that had two metal thingys that hooked together) while asking my little, old boss a question. The belt unhooked, flew across and landed on his desk. True story, and going in my book one day.

    • Chris says:

      I still see him, blinking at me over his specs. and not saying a word, lol.

      • Holly says:

        lol! I wore pierced earrings and due to my family having extremely wimpy ear lobes and wearing heavy earrings, I had a giant hole that had stretched out. I was talking to a coworker and laughed and the entire earring, with the back still attached to the post, flew out and landed on the ground in front of him. He picked it up and just looked at me totally bewildered.

  10. Kathleen says:

    Eons ago (in the 80’s) and with plenty of wine in my system, walked out of the pub, it was raining, and slipped on the wet wooden stairs… Sat down so hard that my HUGE clip on earrings (it was the fashion back then), dropped off and were ricocheting down the staircase. With the force of landing on my bum, by jaw closed fairly violently, and I thought that the earrings bouncing down the stairs were my shattered teeth. I INSISTED my sister grovel around in the rain and look for “my teeth”.
    Which reminds me, wonder what happened to those earrings?

    • christine says:

      You win.

    • Teresa says:

      O.M.G. I haven’t laughed so much this early in the morning since I can’t remember when.
      All I’ve got is walking past a cute guy when I was in high school, I wanted to say Hi but it came out HiLow = damn, that was soooo embarassing.

    • kari says:

      Oh my gosh. Make the tears stop. I am at my daughter’s riding lesson and the peeps here are wondering what the heck is wrong with me. My heaving body on this tiny spectator bench is not. cool. My daughter is going to kill me.

  11. Moose says:

    I’m making a pizza and as it slides off the wooden peel onto the pizza stone in the oven, a lot of the toppings slip off, land on the hot stone and start to burn. I can tell this will be an evening of fighting the smoke detector unless I do something clever, so I grab the shopvac. This was brilliant, because I could just reach over the pizza with the long nozzle and delicately pick up the burning peppers and smoldering pile of cornmeal. (now, it’s true that my wife told me in no uncertain terms that this was a dumb idea, but I digress…). Actually, it mostly began pretty well, with lots of smoky veggies shooting up the pipe. Well enough that I got cocky enough to try to get the last of the cornmeal while simultaneously smirking. Like you, I failed to appreciate the shear power of the air-moving machine I was wielding. Turns out that pizza dough getting slurped into a shopvac makes an unmistakable sound that you know instantly; kind of a wet, inverted splat. The remaining pizza on the stone was twisted into a mangled heap. I don’t recall if it took longer to clean the vacuum or for my wife to stop laughing.

  12. NinaMargoJune says:

    NinaMargoJune here enjoying my 15 minutes of fame – er ignominy. Love the leaf blower epic, now that I know that mine sucks I’ll be more careful… Not many more embarrassing moments to add other than shouting the exhusband’s name rather than the current husband’s name in an ecstatic moment and the time I superglued my fingers together. My mantra is now: Let’s celebrate life’s bright pageant!

  13. Danee says:

    New on a job as a promoter in a shop. I had eaten 3 meals in 2 days at a particular fast food joint, about an hour into work after lunch I felt an enormous rumbling in my tummy. I shouted “I need to use the bathroom!” and ran for it. What happened in there was awful, took forever, multiple flushes were needed and air freshener but there was no air freshener. The fan didn’t work either, I left the door to the bathroom ajar hoping the large stock room that it was in would allow the stench to disperse.

    About an hour later one of the sales clerks goes into the bathroom and comes back out and speaks in whispers to another sales clerk whilst giving some serious side eye to a 3rd clerk! I’d gotten away with it! Deanna was well known for stinking it up in there, I started to giggle, that’s when Alicia must have remembered that Deanna hadn’t been in the bathroom, but that I had! Alicia says “It was you! We thought it was Deanna!” and Deanna is going “What did I do? Why are you guys laughing at me?”

    That was 4 years ago and they still tell me as I go to lunch, “No McD……… for lunch today.”

  14. Shauna says:

    About twenty years ago I was at The Fillmore, an historic jazz club San Francisco. I was really enjoying the music, plus I was young and cute, so I was getting asked to dance a lot. One of my partners was an dapper older gentleman. When we started dancing, I noticed that lots of people were staring at us. I got very self-conscious and uncomfortable and as a result felt the need to make small talk with my partner. I leaned into his ear and asked if he had heard that BB King was there that night. He gave me a strange look, and after the song ended he didn’t ask me to dance again. Turns out HE was BB King. All these years later I still flush with embarrassment when friends tell that story.

  15. Dana says:

    While staying up late to finish a craft project, I noticed that the hot glue gun in my right hand was about to drip on the table, so I caught the drip with my left hand. Turns out hot glue is HOT, so I reflexively pulled the glue off with my other hand. Now my right fingers were burning, so I used my teeth to get the glue off my fingers, forgetting that I was still holding the glue gun. It was almost a week before the burn on my nose faded.

    Years later, I was up late finishing a dress I was making and sewed over the edge of my finger. I have just made the connection, and am writing myself a note to stop crafting at night.

  16. Holly says:

    I worked for a municipality for almost 30 years. I worked my way up the ladder and was an assistant to a top manager. He was at a conference in Amsterdam and called to say he was having trouble accessing his voice mail on his office landline and was expecting an important message. He had recently changed his password and couldn’t remember it. I contacted IT and it was not an easy fix. Finally, at 10 p.m, we got it resolved and I called his office extension and left him all the info on how to access his messages. I gave myself a little pat on the back and left the lonely office building for the 1/2 hour commute home. Upon arrival the next a.m., I had 3 voice messages from him. I called his cell phone and told him I had left all the info on his office voice mail….and then it dawned on me…the voice mail that he couldn’t access in the first place! I was mortified and he was not happy with me. Giant brain fart!

    • SusanR says:

      OMG, I can just imagine how mortifying that would have been. But it’s funny, now!

      • Gayle says:

        Yeah. Our IT depth sent out an email advising that anyone having difficulty with their email should email IT regarding the problem. I called to let them know that would be a problem, but the secretary there replied it was so they would not get so many phone calls like the one from me. (Rude,eh?) I actually had to explain it to her

  17. Auntiepatch says:

    It’s 12:45 am here in San Diego CA. I’m choking and laughing at the same time, trying not to wake up my husband (and pee my pants)! Thank goodness I ran out of tea hours ago!

  18. Dennis says:

    That time I was driving across Pennsylvania at 2 AM in this loooong 45 MPH no passing construction zone and decided to pass the only other car on the road that was doing exactly 45. As I pulled along side, I glanced over and the driver reached over to the passenger seat and picked up and put on his head his Pennsylvania State Trooper campaign hat! I continued to pass and then just pulled over without him ever having to put on his unmarked car flashing lights or siren. Epically stupid and embarrassing.

  19. Jenny W says:

    When my MIL was first married, way back in the day, her husband got a case of the hemorrhoids.
    “Bend over the bed, Dear, and let me pour some turpentine on them.”
    Needless to say, turpentine, never was, and never will be a cure for hemorrhoids!

  20. Julia says:

    A few years back I was filling my top-loading wood stove with an armful of logs and threw my car keys/key fob (my only set) into the stove without realizing. The boys and I spent an hour scouring the house for them without success. My former husband came by to pick up the boys, and apparently knowing how I can be at times, decided to look in the stove. He found part of the car keys with melted fob buried in the ashes at the bottom. Ugh. I had the car towed to the dealership and new keys made for $250. I am sure my former husband thinks of this with glee pretty often:(

    • SusanR says:

      Trust me, your former husband has done even worse, you just weren’t lucky enough to be around when he did it. 🙂

  21. Gwennie says:

    I was newly engaged and driving to meet my fiance at his home. I REALLY had to go to the bathroom, so I am trying to get to his house in the quickest route possible. It’s raining. I finally pull into his driveway and race through the rain into the house. My wet feet hit the kitchen floor, go up in the air, land with a huge thud and proceed to pee all over the floor. I look up at my husband and his best friend standing over me, laughing hysterically! My fiance says “nice entrance”. He still tells that story!

  22. Kathleen says:

    My husband & I needed to go to the landscaping yard to pick up some large patio stones for the garden last year. I heard a funny sound as I sat down in the car but thought nothing of it. I was hovering and, as is my nature, trying to inject some humor into an otherwise thankless task for the young fellow who was loading the car. But he wasn’t responding and only spoke to my husband when necessary. Even my husband was baffled because I’ve long been able to get at least a smirk out of people in even the most challenging situations. But that fellow didn’t even look at me. Which became the fodder for our conversation on the drive home, of course: What a strange kid, etc., etc. Then, while unloading the car at home, my bottom suddenly felt a bit cool and I discovered that one entire ass cheek was exposed! The unfamilar noise I heard as I sat down in the car had been the sound of my pants ripping! Just the thought of what was going through the mind of a 20-something kid at the sight of my untoned 63 year old ass made me laugh until I almost peed what was left of my pants!

  23. danni says:

    In high school, in front of the whole class, I meant to say “enigma” ….
    Said enema instead.
    Also as a pre teen said “public” instead of “pubic” and my sister still brings that up. I was a pre teen more than 4 decades ago.
    Oh jeeze I could go on and on….

    • rktrix says:

      Oh, yes. Had an orchestra teacher in high school whose last name had a d in it, and ended in “lillo”. My friend raised his hand, and asked “Mr. Xxxdxdildo?” We all gasped and tried to contain our laughter. My friend had NO idea he did that. The teacher’s eyes bulged, but he answered the question. I couldn’t have let that one pass!

  24. VA says:

    I was helping a friend clear some limbs after an overnight storm and a very nice man stopped his truck and immediately began to help. I glanced at his vehicle and said ” Oh, I see you have your dogs with you”.
    He looked at me a little oddly and said “No Ma’m, those are my daughters”.
    Did I mention I wasn’t wearing my glasses…..?

  25. Diane amick says:

    Omg. Had to find tissue so I could wipe my eyes and nose (in that order) to finish this post. Sure started my day off with hysterical laughing…thank you.

  26. Christina says:

    During my teen years when I thought I was going to break into the modelling world, the modelling course taught us to use KY-gel in our hair to slick it back. I guess in the ’70’s that was the choice of the models then. My kids will never let me forget that one!

  27. catherine says:

    Using points, I got to fly first class, the only time in my life, in a seat that was a pod that reclined into a bed, all the electronic TV etc. you could wish for, there were 2 attendants for 10 of us…it was awesome and I was very over excited by it all! We were served wine while the rest of the plane boarded…a life I would love to become accustomed to! Unfortunately I gave myself away as a total low class idiot…when they served us a dish of mixed nuts that were actually warmed, I turned excitedly to the stranger sitting behind me and asked him “Are your nuts hot?”

  28. Since we’re all sharing high school stories – I arrived at school late – was walking down the hall and the guy I had a crush on was the lone student standing at the end of the hall. I’m thinking – “Awesome – I’m looking good – wearing a great outfit with my cowboy boots with heels…” But it had been raining that day, and just at that moment, my heel skidded out from beneath me and I fell flat on my ass – my sister was with me and she laughed so hard I swear she peed her pants….

    And another one – didn’t happen to me… A friend woke up one Saturday morning, her husband suggested they walk to the main drag to get a cappuccino. So off she happily goes. Says people were looking at her sideways so when she got home, she checked the mirror to see what the brouhaha was about. She had a clay mask on her face that her husband didn’t bother to tell her about and she had forgotten she put on!!!

  29. Mel says:

    Oh so many, which to choose?
    I was gardening, it was peaceful, dirty, awesome work. I fetched the hose at the side of our house to water the newly planted veggies. In case you didn’t know my house is on a steep grade, a whole storey from front to back yard. So I turn on the water, grab the hose, start to walk and drop it. It lands on the handle and starts spraying water straight up into my face. It was on the jet setting. So I manage to soak myself, finally grab the hose then slide down the hill that I’ve so conveniently made into a slip and slide with all that spraying water. And then what happens? You guessed it, I dropped the damn thing on the handle again. I laughed so hard I almost peed a bit. It was like a comedy routine.

  30. Mary W says:

    I was wearing a new dress – really cute, flimsy, and sewn with invisible thread. Got my groceries on the way home from work, finished loading them in the car, sat down to drive home and felt very cold – suddenly. I looked down and the threads had all given out and I was sitting in my bra and panties in the car. I quickly backed up and drove home. Luckily we lived way out in the country and no one saw except the truck drivers that I drove next to on the way home. What a horror but lucky for me it didn’t happen while I was at the courthouse.

    My husband left very early for work each morning and tried to be quiet. He started cursing and I jumped up to see him standing in the bathroom with a tube of Preparation H and his toothbrush. I never missed a chance to say pucker up, sweetie, I need a kiss.

    We moved to the country and my husband was so happy to finally be near places where he could hunt. We love venison but he never did get one. Once at our little farm, he worked all the time never taking time to hunt. We lived in a partially built home as we worked on it so it had “hiding” places for mice. We also had one mouse that we were NEVER able to catch (peanut butter on the trap works great). One day while eating dinner we saw it brazenly walking along the baseboard waiting for a bit of dropped food. My husband grabbed our sons BB gun and fired. He actually killed it. For Christmas I gave him a little ceramic mouse for over the fireplace – his own trophy. To my knowledge he never went hunting again NOR did he ever stop hearing about his only trophy.

    I have a boat load of really funny stories that happened to him as a milkman – back when milkmen were told to came in and put the milk in the refrigerator. The whole family would gather to hear them since there were 3 milkmen in the family (they owned a dairy). I’ll save for another day. You can use your imaginations but nothing can top real life.

    • NannyMac says:

      So…speaking of milkmen…
      Back in the dark ages when they still brought milk to the door and we exchanged tickets for said milk, I answered the door in the early morning to get the milk and give the milkman the tickets. Now, I was 13 years old, new to a period, and at the time, the attachment for those archaic old pads was a belt…
      I was dressed in a flannel nightie that was only to the knees. Well…as I walked towards the kitchen to get the tickets, in full view of the milkman, I felt something swinging between my legs. YUP…it was the unhooked belt and the pad…unchanged since the night before…
      He couldn’t get outta there fast enough…and neither could I…TRES EMBARRASSING !!!!
      Still carry that feeling with me to this day !!!

      • Mary W says:

        You poor thing – you will take that memory to the end. I remember those belts! Horrific things. But I bet the milkman stories were enriched by your bad experience. My uncle (one of the milkmen) was in the outhouse in the early morning hours (they began at 2AM) and a tree frog jumped onto his face – he ran out into the parking lot – drawers down-screaming a snake got him. The other milkmen laughed until they had tears over his misfortune. A lot of weird stuff happened in those wee hours. Funny, embarrassing, horrific, or otherwise.

  31. Nancy T. says:

    My husband used to occasionally work the overnight shift and would stop on the way home to bring us Egg McMuffins for breakfast. One morning he came home laughing. He had gone to the drive-thru, ordered and paid, then drove away without picking up the food! He was too embarrassed to go back for the food, and we thought this was hysterical. I couldn’t wait to share this story with our daughter who got a strange look on her face. She had actually done this once too and had been too embarrassed to admit it. I’m pretty sure I would never have forgotten MY food!

  32. Lynda says:

    My husband and I were fishing in kayaks. I was pretty excited when I hooked a big one! I started reeling it in and when I got it to the side of the boat, the fish started to thrash around. I screamed like a little girl, turned away from it, which pulled it into the kayak and onto my lap. Between me kicking and screaming, the fish thrashing around, and my husband’s tears of laughter, it was pretty hard for him to get it off the hook.

    But I have a story about him too! Again we were fishing at the cottage, this time in a canoe with the trolling motor on the back. I was at the front, hubby at the back. Well, he was leaning over, and for some reason felt the canoe was tipping but instead of righting himself, much to my amazement, he leapt out of the canoe into the lake. This left me sitting in a running boat heading towards the rocks while my now soaking wet and bewildered husband stood there chest deep in the water, hat and glasses on with binoculars around his neck, looking like an idiot. That visual of him standing there played over and over in my mind for days to come and I’d break into fits of laughter. When I asked why he did it, he said, “I guess I over-reacted”.

  33. Linda Poland says:

    I used to wear contacts and in the evening, my eyes would often get dry, itchy and sometime blurry so I’d add eye-drops to help. One night, after a couple of glasses of vino, I reached for the eye-drops, gave each eye a few drips and then realized it was actually sewing machine oil! The containers were very similar! Luckily, no eye damage.

  34. Jenifer says:

    I haven’t laughed this hard in quite a while!! I can totally relate to so many of these stories. 🙂 I have often misspoke or offered up (unintentional) comedic skits. This is one of my favorites that happened many years ago.

    I was in Hawaii for work with 2 colleagues who I knew but not well. Margo was a 50-something gray-haired, tattooed woman who favored muumuus and Birkenstocks. Gary was an ultra-conservative, ultra-religious man who sported Rolexes and Burberry.

    Our first night there, we decided on an Italian restaurant for dinner. Margo and I get a glass of Chianti and she orders an appetizer. When the calamari comes, she asks me if I like it.
    “It’s OK but I don’t really care for the testicles.”
    “I think you mean tentacles.”
    Ummm, yeah.

    I didn’t dare look at Gary and Margo is now one of my dearest friends.

  35. BethH says:

    My mother, newly married sister and I, 12 years old at the time, were waiting in line at a crowded fast food restaurant to order a large take-out meal for the family. We had decided what to order, but had not mentioned ordering drinks. My sister began quietly talking to our mom about having “pain down there during intercourse” and as we approached the counter to place our order, I blurted out, “Aren’t we going to order any intercourse?” The cashier blinked, my mom’s mouth fell open, my sister was mortified and I wanted to crawl under the counter.

  36. Becky says:

    My roof has two levels. .one is flatter, and one is not.
    Years ago I propped my ladder on the flat part, to shimmy up to the peak, which is pretty steep. It worked well, and I fixed it myself. But, I forgot that I nailed a board to the roof to hold the base of my ladder.

    So years later, I propped my ladder on the roof…no board…and proceeded to climb to the peak. I had done it before so was pretty cocky as I was climbing. My poor husband, who is terrified of heights was on the ground watching.
    I was almost there, when the ladder let go and I slid all the way down the not so flat part.
    I really thought I was gonna die, by flying all the way off the roof so I was trying to stop my descent by any means possible……which is nothing. The forearms of the shirt I was wearing was ripped to shreds, and insides of my wrists still bear scars from dragging them 12 feet down the shingles.

    Luckily, when the ladder got to the flatter part it stopped, and I did not fall to my death.
    I looked down to see my poor white faced husband, getting ready to try to catch me, or aka, getting squished by his father assed dare devil wife.

    It took 15 minutes to stop the adrenaline shakes, and to be able to climb the rest of the way down.

    I then called my cousin, who IS a roofer by trade to come and fix it.

  37. Kelly says:

    My husband has a habit I hate, but it resulted in a story that I’m adding to a collection to be shared at his funeral.

    He stirs his coffee with whatever stray utensil is lying around, often the handle of the knife we’re using to butter toast so I routinely pick it up and it’s wet and sticky. Hate this. He’ll also use the business end of something if it doesn’t look too dirty.

    So one morning he’s on his commute and drinking his coffee and it doesn’t taste right. He screws the lid off the Contigo and notices some floaties in his half empty cup. He stirred his coffee with the same knife he used to feed the cats canned food.

    I was helpless with laughter when he told me over dinner.

  38. Katie says:

    These stories are priceless!

    I have 2 to share. The first is a story of my own stupidity and the second was just embarrassing.

    A few years back I was taking my son to a doctor’s appointment. I grabbed my ticket from the little machine at the parking garage and continued to enter the garage. Then I heard a huge scraping sound and a crash. At first, I thought, “There’s nothing around! What did I hit!?” Then it occurred to me. My husband and I had taken the kids for a bike ride over the weekend and the bikes were still mounted to on the roof of the car… Well… At least they had been, but the parking garage nicely took them, the bike rack, and the roof rails down for me.

    Even more years back I used to travel all over the US teaching structural engineers how to use engineering software. For those who don’t know, any beam, column, etc. is called structural member. Here I was a mid-twenties young woman standing at the front of a room full of middle-aged men teaching them how to modify the properties of a beam, and it wasn’t working and I say to the computer, so everyone can hear, “Why won’t you let me play with my member?!”

    • Dagmar says:

      Priceless

      • Danee says:

        Ha! You reminded me of something similar that happened to me, my ex and his family owned an CNC machine tool company and I worked there as the receptionist/coffee maker/whatever and often I had to call and order parts. One day I asked a fella over the phone, do you have 2 balls? (ball bearings!!!! I forgot to say ball Bearings) and he said, “yes mam I do happen to have 2 balls.”

  39. Karin says:

    OMG! These are all so funny!! So hard not to laugh out loud while at work!

    When my kids were young the ex and I decided to take them to Disneyworld by car – about a 10 hour drive. Our regular cars didn’t have TVs in them (that was pretty new at the time) so we rented a mini van to make the trip. So we have our directions (this was also pre-GPS days) but we still manage to get to a point where we aren’t sure whether to go left or right. The ex and I make a bet (he says left, I say right), then we stop at a gas station to get directions. I go in (of course) and ask and the very nice man makes me a little map. Turns out I AM RIGHT! I’m ecstatic!! So I go back to where the silver mini van was, which I can see out of the corner of my eye as I’m looking at the map. I march up to the van, rip the side back door open, and yell at the top of my voice “YOU CAN PAY ME NOW OR YOU CAN PAY ME LATER, SUCKER! And that’s when I realized it was the wrong silver mini van. The looks on the faces of the woman in the front and the two little kids in the back! OMG. They were scared to death. The woman said to me in a tiny little voice “my husband is just inside – he’ll be right back.” I very nicely said “oh…sorry…wrong van” and shut the door quietly. I turned around and there across the parking lot I see another silver mini van, in which sat the ex and my two girls, laughing their asses off. Years later one of the girls had to write a “humorous” story for school and she wrote about that. It got an “A”. I will never live down that story. I wonder if those people in the van ever recovered…

    • Devon says:

      This one is causing laughter tears. So funny, thanks for sharing! Those poor people!

    • Angie S says:

      That’s great! It reminds me of how I frequently try to enter all of the silver Prius’s in the parking lot before getting into my own…. have you ever notice just how many of them are silver?

    • Andrea says:

      omg. I wasn’t laughing so much, until I read yours. Now I’m tearing up. “pay me now or later sucker”, I’m so using that on my family.

  40. Meredith says:

    My boyfriend in my 20s used to pretend to draw all over my face with a sharpie marker…..he’d make a mustache or curly cues all over of write sweet nothings all around my face, but it was just pretend and sweet and cute. Until one day he actually did it with the cap off. And I didn’t realize it. And we went to run some errands and get something to eat and FINALLY I saw my reflection in a window and stopped and realized I had giant black whiskers and the outline of a crow on my forehead. Thus explaining the strange looks I had been receiving from others for the last several hours. I don’t know how he kept it together all that time without giving it away.

  41. Patricia Gulat says:

    So y’all haven’t lived till you have sneezed your false teeth out at the feet of your soon-to-be step-daughter. I swooped down & snatched those babies up so fast that she said later she thought something had come outta my NOSE instead of my mouth ! IT WAS MORTIFYING !!!

  42. Patricia Gulat says:

    Forgot this little gem: When I was 8, my mom had my last sibling, a boy with FLAMING red hair. I knew nobody in our family who had red hair (my grandmother did who died before I was born) so when the landlady came to visit, she asked my little 8 yr old self where Gerry got his red hair from and I told her, “well, we had a painter come paintnour house and HE had red hair !” My staunch Christian mother was AGHAST ! LOLOL ! And I remember it like it was yesterday and it 51 yrs ago.

  43. Elaine says:

    Many many years ago, my big brother was in a church pageant. The hall was filled … it was a very exciting time! Mid way into the play, my brother made his big entrance on stage. His line: “Pray! I’ve come to fill you soul with hope!!” BUT when he opened his mouth out came: Pray! I’ve come to fill your hole with soap!!”

    My 10 year old ears had not deceived me as I heard the hall fill with laughter!!!

  44. Karen says:

    When I was 15, my very first boyfriend with a car was dropping me off at home. We kiss goodnight, for longer than I’d ever admit to my now 16 yr old daughter. We stop after a short time and we both have blood all over our faces! I got a bloody nose mid-smooch. I was mortified! Not sure if it was related but we broke up a few weeks later. Cut to today – the guys a friggin’ millionaire. Will never forget that moment, so gross and so embarrassing all at the same time.

  45. Jean says:

    My flub up was….my decision to clean out our dryer vent using our leaf blower. All kinds of lint and stuff blew out the 10 ft long vent tube to the outside of my house. That worked like a champ!

    Then, I and my husband got the bright idea to do the reverse…since that worked so well! LOL!!
    So, I go inside and hold one of my sock hoses over the vent opening and yelled..”Ready!” He starts the machine up and WHOOSH! The sock fills with lint, I loose my grip, and the sock hose blows across the room like a bullet -along with TONS of lint and dust! I laughed so hard I started wheezing and couldn’t catch my breath. I banged on the wall – to get my husband to turn off the leaf blower…but…he couldn’t hear me over the noise of the machine. It was a real Abbot and Costello moment!

  46. Pam says:

    My sister is the queen of embarrassing moments that often involve toilets. And when she’s embarrassed she goes into fits of hysterical laughter. My favorite is one time she was sitting in a stall doing her business and realized there was no tp. She sees some dangling down in the next stall and reaches over to snag some expecting it to roll down so she could tear off a few squares. She was surprised to find a little resistance, heard a little human sound, but did end up with a length of tp. It was then noticed the other end of it was wet. She’d pulled the already in use section of tp right out of her neighboring pee’ers hand!

  47. Bethany Jones says:

    I taken my Honda over to get a car wash during my lunch break. After chatting up the vacuum guys I went inside to have my lunch while I waited for my car to be washed.
    I was there a few minutes when the lady manager came over and said, “The guys wanted to let you know that your pants, in the back, are ripped and they can see your thong.” I figured I had some clothes in my car and they were just covering their asses from my claiming they damaged them. She said, “No, your pants are ripped” and she pointed to my backside. I remembered I had pulled off a belt loop that morning by accident, so I replied, “Oh, I know. Not a big deal.”
    The manager gave up and I finished my lunch and went to the restroom. In the mirror, I saw that the hole from the missing belt loop had torn down the back pocket and was hanging open, white flesh and dingy pink thong exposed for all to see!
    I marched back out to that manager and told her, “Please tell the guys thanks for looking!”

  48. One hot summer evening, I took my six year old daughter to see a kid’s movie that started at 6 p.m. at a local theatre. We rushed through dinner to get there on time, so feeling pretty stuffed when we sat down at the theatre, I undid the snaps of my short, wrap around skirt to feel more comfortable. Fast forward to exiting. As we entered the aisle to leave, my skirt dropped off leaving me in pretty skimpy panties. What could I do, I bent down, picked up the skirt and put it back on. Much to everyone’s credit, nobody laughed at me. But I still go a bit cold when I remember it 45 years later!

  49. Pam says:

    I just got a leaf blower/sucker and was thinking of doing the same thing. Thanks for saving me from the disaster.

  50. wrybread says:

    Where to start?
    1. I’ve introduced myself by the wrong name. Twice.
    2. I was pulled over by a police officer because I was sure he noticed my back light was out. I had attempted to fix it but gave up halfway. When he approached the car, he stopped, looked in the window of the hatchback and saw all the tools sitting there with the new light bulb. He then came up to my window and said, “I stopped you because your front light is out.”
    Me: “My front light?”
    PO: “Yes, your front light.”
    Me: “My FRONT light?”
    PO: “Yes, your front light.”
    Me: “My FRONT LIGHT?”
    3. I was wearing a huge, and I mean HUGE, lapel pin/brooch shaped like an diamond engagement ring (it was the 90s!) when I was introduced to the President of the United States. He said, “Hi, nice to meet you. I like your pin.” I replied, “It’s not real.”

  51. Carol says:

    When my boys were aged 2 and 4, I took them to the beach for the day. I strategically placed myself beside a family with two similarly aged boys, who also happened to have loads of beach toys (compared to the pittance I brought). I was proudly sporting a bikini as I’d worked hard to get back into shape after my second pregnancy. I attempted to befriend the other family but the wife was a supreme witch. She barely spoke to me, scoffed and was downright rude. The husband was ultra friendly, very chatty and offered my boys some of their toys. After maybe 20 minutes, they packed up and left. Eventually I looked down… The underwire of my bikini top had fallen out. My left boob was completely exposed the entire time.

  52. Jan says:

    Remember those really large tubes of chap stick that tasted like Dr. Pepper, and such? About 2 inches across– and real dark brown? My twin brother and I were going to a store for something, and while in his truck, I asked him if I could use his chap stick– which happened to be one of those Dr. Pepper things. Didn’t even think about it. Rubbed it all around my mouth a couple of times– my lips were real dry. He just looked at me– no expression. We went into the store, and people kept looking at me. When I got back out to the truck, I looked in the mirror and saw that I looked like Al Jolson in reverse. He never did say anything to me– just let me look like an ass. He’s real good at letting me look like an ass…

  53. Ardith says:

    Once upon a time in a magical kingdom called College Dorm, a young maiden returned home in the wee hours of the morning from a local festival. She silently creeped into her room whilst a fellow dorm maiden slept in the dark. She quietly scooped up her toiletries and hastened to the shared bath to tend to her ablutions.

    The maiden was in the midst of removing her eye decorations with cold cream when suddenly a searing pain emanated from both eyes. She was virtually blinded and began to panic. She splashed water wildly into her eyes and did her best to remove the cream from them. Eventually she was able to regain some of her sight.

    Through red and blurry eyes she managed to inspect the cold cream. To her astonishment and abject horror, the maiden realized she had mistaken her cream deodorant for the cold cream. Henceforth, she never used cream deodorant again.

  54. Carole says:

    When I was in my 30’s I started getting a few gray hairs in my light brown hair. Before I pulled them out, I would ask my husband “See the gray hair ?” He always said, “No, he couldn’t see them.” One day when we were in line at the grocery store with all the check outs full, he LOUDLY exclaimed, “Oh ! Now I see your gray hair !” I had to laugh along with all the other customers. But he did hear about it when we got home. Actually I brought it up many times over the years.

  55. Angie S says:

    I was leaving an appointment with my 13 YO daughter. I’m fairly anal and always try to park in the same spot. I had been to this place just the day before, got MY spot, no problems. However on the day with my daughter, I didn’t get my spot and forgot to note the new parking location. When we went to leave an hour later, I saw my car was gone! SOMEBODY STOLE MY CAR!!! I was hysterical and went back in. The receptionist was in shock, along with others in the waiting room… I called to police and then called my husband, all the while making a huge scene. “WHO STILLS A PRIUS???” is all I could say! We even went out several times, looking in disbelief at my parking spot, it was gone!
    About five minutes later, we came back outside and the lot had emptied considerably from the last time I had been out… there was my car, just sitting there, not stolen.
    I was so embarrassed and went to tell the receptionist, but that’s when the cops pulled up. They laughed at me and I can’t blame them! My daughter brings it up all. the. time.

    • Lesley says:

      Reminds me of an airshow I went to quite a few years ago in England. Thousands upon thousands of vehicles parked in any number of fields. After a great day out my husband says “So which one did you park the car in?” Duh, no idea!!!

  56. Catherine Naulin says:

    Dear Karen,

    Sorry I missed that perfect comedic moment back then. Just so you know, since we can be truthful here: you are smart -that has been established- but I LOVE TO LAUGH! So your post had me at “leaf blower” then had me crying from laughing. My husband believes I should hire myself out at comedy clubs to be the laugh track for would be comedians. But..you take the cake.
    Keep them coming!
    Catherine

  57. bellygrl says:

    Well, I probably should be embarrassed about this, but I’m just not. Hard headed, I guess..
    Anyway, many years ago my hubby, best friend and I went sledding. A local ski hill had opened their kiddy hill to sledders, and it was full of kids having a great time on sleds, saucers, cafeteria trays etc. We had a big tractor wheel tire we were using. So my friend and I jump on the tire, and at the last minute my husband piles on the top. Between the 3 of us, we had a lot of weight on that tire and we went screaming down the hill, over the flat at the end and over the curb, smack into a station wagon! After looking around blearily for a minute, I saw that I had dented the quarter panel on the station wagon with my head. A big, head shaped dent! I yelled, ‘Let’s get out of here before someone sees the damage!’, and we ran off laughing. No permanent damage to anything but the vehicle….I think….

  58. Deb says:

    I was getting out the hose to water the flowers, and decided to try my new hose nozzle. Then I saw the bird poop on the railing of the porch. OOOH, wouldn’t it be great to just hose it off? So I started spraying, and preceded to blow all of the paint off the railing! My new nozzle is actually pretty powerful. Of course I had to show my husband what I did, and he was unimpressed 🙂

    I’ve repainted it now and learned my lesson…however this year we have to powerwash the deck…..

  59. Renee says:

    Back in the mid 80’s when kid’s juice boxes just had those stupid straight, short little straws – I had given my daughter (about 2 at the time) a box of apple juice. Of course 5 minutes later “Momma I pushed the straw in” My brother-in-law says “if you squeeze the box, the straw will pop back out” So, I did, and squirted juice right in my kid’s face. Then he says, “you have to hold it the other way, and squeeze”…so of course I did, and got her again. Everyone was rolling, including my daugher…except for me- bewildered. To this day, at family parties, someone will inevitably bring up ‘the juice box incident’ because of course, he told EVERYONE. That and the many many times I shoot water in my own face when I attempt to set the sprinkler up EVERY summer.

    • Renee says:

      oh and I forgot, when I was in high school, I worked the summer at a men’s clothing store in downtown Chicago. Protocol was to ask for drivers license when someone wrote a check. Customer bought quite a bit, and I got the check, asked for license before I was corrected by him, thatsee the dark glasses – I’m blind, I can’t drive. Hmm I was laid off right after that…..

  60. Larissa Stretton says:

    This past Christmas season, my husband and I go to this Mexican restaurant where most of the staff is Mexican, we live in New England so this is a bit unusual. I try to learn as much as I can about other cultures so I ask our waiter how they say “Merry Christmas” in spanish……..he looks at me quizzically, and answers “Feliz Navidad”…..which happened to be playing at that moment…..I felt so stupid and my husband, the waiter, and I just laughed and laughed….

  61. Mary says:

    A few years back, Dan Akroyd was promoting his label at the LCBO at Queens Quay. I couldn’t believe the blethering nonsense that came pouring out of my mouth like cheap wine when I walked up to him and said (amongst other things), “Oh Mr. Akroyd, I just loved you in Ghost Busters!”. Ghostbusters? WTF, all I wanted was for him to autograph my bottle of wine. The poor man. You should have heard me when I met Mike Holmes at the Home Show.

  62. Grammy says:

    As I entered the meeting room full of very important people from the Governor’s Office and announced that I was the representative of my department for the topic at hand, I was feeling really good that I was having a good-hair day and wearing my nicest business dress. It wasn’t until I reached to pick up my handbag from the floor when the meeting was over that I noticed I was wearing two very different (same color, but nothing else similar) shoes.

    Thirty years later, as my husband and I were walking into our favorite restaurant one fine summer evening, I stopped to see if I had a small stone or something in one sandal because it felt funny to walk. On one foot was a Birkenstock with thick straps across the top of my foot, on the other was a stylish leather thong-type.

    Those were just embarrassing. The stupidest thing this very smart person did was in the early ’70s, during the great gas-shortage crisis, when there were so many gas stations closed. My oil light came on and, no stations to pull into, I stopped at a store and bought a quart of oil. Proud that I could handle this on my own (I was the only ‘girl’ I knew who pumped my own gas in those days) I popped open my hood in the parking lot, found the place marked “OIL”, removed the dipstick, and proceeded to spend half an hour dribbling oil into that tiny little hole. After getting oil all over the engine, I went back in the store and purchased another quart of oil and a funnel. It was still a challenge as I cursed the idiot who would engineer such a stupid thing. Later that evening, my husband pointed to the place a little distance away from the dipstick that said discreetly, “Add oil here” and had a screwtop lid for a decent sized opening.

    • Lesley says:

      Ina rush to get to work, I also went out with different boots on, but not even similar. One was black leather and one was beige suede. This was only last week and I had walked a good mile or so before I noticed. I’ve never walked home so fast in all my life (couldn’t run as this would have attracted even more attention).

    • Brandy Ballard says:

      I needed to go to Staples for something and it was closing (I had a project and wanted to finish….the Staples run was a must, lol) so I threw on some shoes and ran out the door. I stopped at a restaurant for take out after and as I was leaving another lady looked down at my shoes in puzzlement, she was like “Do you realize you are wearing two different shoes?” I looked down and started to laugh and said um nope, but hey it works!! lol..she just looked at me like I had lost my mind and walked off. No sense of humor 😉 In my defense the shoes were the same color and both had bows on the front!

  63. Marie says:

    That is hilarious! I too, wish there was an easier way to empty the bag! But wait, isn’t it easier to suck up leaves than rake them? I love to know all of the shortcuts for things!

  64. AndreaM. says:

    I was speeding through this stretch of deserted freeway. My husband swore I’d get pulled over by a cop that was going the opposite direction. I said “pfft, there is no way they’d cross over that stretch of weeds”, and sure enough the cop crosses over much later, and comes up behind me about 10 mins later. Pulls me over for speeding. The officer says to me “I clocked you over 71 mph” and I laughed and said “sure, it was probably closer to 94″……..doi. He laughed, I laughed. I still go the ticket. Now the husband laughed.

  65. Shelly says:

    I knocked over a tic tac display at the store and man did they scatter. Embarrassing! Nice thing was people stopped to help me retrieve them all!

  66. Sharon says:

    Great stories from Karen and your readers. I have been smiling all day.

    This happened to my MIL. She was in a hurry to leave the house. There were two spray cans on the counter, one was hairspray, the other WD40. Can you guess which one she used? Sh

  67. Sheryl Powell says:

    Ha. Atomic bomb leaf explosion. Reminds me of one time I was in a casino with a full drink. I say it down beside the sink and oops, right under the hurricane force super duper hand dryer machine. It was of course motion activated. Coke EXPLODED straight upwards out of the cup. All over the ceiling, the walls, the mirrors, me. I nearly drowned because I couldn’t wipe my face because I was laughing so hard.

  68. Lori says:

    Funniest stories I have read in forever. So I feel like I am in good company to share:

    I went to a John Mayer concert with a group of serious fans. Like, over-the-top, die-hard, took it personally that he shaved his head unreal groupies. Who happened to win a backstage meet-and-greet with John. Himself. I tried to beg off, wanting another superfan to take my place but the girl I was with wouldn’t have it. Her husband didn’t attend the concert with us so she brought a piece of sheet music that she wanted me to have John sign for her husband. I am like, ok, no big deal. I barely know who he is. I can do this…….

    Fast forward to the meet-and-greet. John Mayer is standing before me, shaking my hand, “Hi, I am John Mayer.” I immediately start to sweat. I stutter hello and then blurt out, “Can you sign this music for a friend. He couldn’t be with us tonight.” John looks at me and I say, “He isn’t dead or anything, he just couldn’t come to the concert.”

    Oh, yeah. I killed it.

  69. Kelli says:

    In high school, I’d been madly in love with a local pool lifeguard from a ‘rival’ high school for ages. He finally asked me on a date, to a lifeguard party complete with beer – most of us were underage so this was a Big. Deal. I had been on one of my famous ‘don’t eat all day’ diets, so I think I’d had a slice of cantalope all day, so you can imagine how that worked with a bunch of beer. When it was time to leave, I completely collapsed on the stairs in a fit of drunken giggles. Could barely walk. My worried date made me walk around the block before driving me home. Naturally, to impress him, I managed to projectile vomit a couple of times in front of him. Not embarrassing. AT all.

    More recently, was working a bit late and had to ‘go.’ Didn’t realize just how badly I had to go; Pavlovian-ly(?) started leaking as I got closer to the bathroom, and by the time I hit the stall, the floodgates had opened. And I had on white pants. Needless to say, stayed at the office till it got dark outsides before venturing out to my car!

    BTW Karen, JUST as I had taken a big bite of my dinner. Thanks for that. 😛

  70. Laura Bee says:

    Good grief! I pulled a muscle or something in my chest tonight & these stories are NOT helping!
    I have done many stupid things but will share one.
    My boyfriend tells it better, but this one time we went to his sister’s farm we were doing the grand tour of the barn to see the calves. There was a handful of kittens, maybe 8 weeks old, and I thought I’d see if I could catch one. My brother in law did try to warn me they were wild. I figured myself to be a kitten whisperer I guess. I caught one & it proceeded to tear me apart. I was jumping around & screaming, “Get it off! Get it off!”, trying to pull it off myself. He still dies laughing when he tells that one.
    My favourite mom story…
    My mom was newly married in 1968 & my dad had bought her a yellow canary. She was cleaning up one day & as usual, vacuumed the bottom of the birdcage out. Unfortunately, her canary got sucked up this time. She had a canister vacuum so pulled the hose off, shoved it in the other end & turned it on reverse. The bird flew out across the room along with the contents of the vac bag. Poor thing didn’t survive. She called my dad at work crying & incoherent – he thought the house was burning down or something along those lines…

  71. Edith says:

    1983. I was a young operations manager of a bank. I was sitting at my desk making my grocery list. While deep in thought I kept tracing and doodling the last item on my list over and over, making it fat and swirly. The phone rang. It was Christine, the bank managers wife, asking to be connected to her husband. I said “SURE, HOLD ON YOGHURT, I’LL TRANSFER YOU!

  72. Alixandra says:

    Once, i was about 12, my parents took my siblings(both older) and i to a Ruby Tuesdays, which had a salad bar. We all wanted the salad bar, there was chocolate pudding as an option but my mom told us that no one was allowed to have the pudding, it would spoil our dinner. So my siblings and i are getting our stuff, moving down the line, and we get to the pudding, and i see a hand reach out in front of me, getting a nice helping full. I didnt look and assumed it was my older brother, so i loudly exclaimed “MOM SAID WE COULDNT HAVE ANY PUDDING!” i look up to see its a probably 30ish year old man and he looks at me with a shocked expression and says “well fine, ill put it back then!” My siblings died of laughter and couldnt wait to tell my parents. I was so embarassed, and then realized the man i yelled at was at the booth next to us. Im pretty sure part of me died that night.

  73. Thera says:

    Many many moons ago my very inner city ghetto school had a year end trip toa nice camp in the country.
    A girl in my class and I had garbage duty on the first night ehich entailed going out in the dark, down a dirt trail to a fairly well lit mini dump.
    As mean as it is I should mention that my class mate was also fairly plump, had orange curly hair and a rather squeeky voice.
    She decided we needed to take a weapon with us, for protection against bears, a broom was her weapon of choice.
    When we finally got to “the pit” there was a very large fat racoon looking for some tastey bits, my classmate started screaming and repeatedly swing the broom up and down over her head with a bowing motion at poor Mr. Racoon, so he started screaming, stood up on his back two legs, raised his arms in the air and was bowing back! At the sight of this hilarious Japanese like comedy, I was laughing so hard I not only dropper the bags of garbage I was carrying but I also peed my pants.

  74. Dana says:

    Standing next to my car, I pressed he unlock button on my key fob. Beep beep. I try the door, still locked. Beep beep. Still locked. Did this about 10 times before I saw that mine was the identical car parked next over.

    At grocery store, opened drivers door and rear passenger door for young daughter at same time. “Hop in” I say to my daughter while sliding into the drivers seat. Look over to see the 14 year old boy in the front passenger seat staring at me horrified. “Oh my god, sorry, I have the exact same car!” Get out and grab daughter. My car was next row over, with my 13 year old son standing next to it looking horrified. “Mom! He goes to my school!” The look on that poor kid’s face.

    Turns out that our very small town has a disproportionate number of light blue RAV4s. We should probably start locking them.

  75. Heather says:

    So, my Dad decided to tell everyone about my brothers surgery for snoring, and proceeded to describe how he has his vulva cauterized. Not sure how many people he told before we corrected it to “uvula”. I still laugh, not sure my brother does.

  76. My husband is 5.5 years younger than me and when I was 35, I went through a “natural woman” phase and wore no make up and let my hair grow and did not color it so it had quite a bit of gray around the hairline. My husband is baby-faced and had just gotten his hair cut into a flat-top (which was trendy back then) and had on his new leather jacket. He had dropped me and our daughter off at a small craft store and when he came to pick us up, he came in and just sat down at one of the tables that was by the check out. I was checking out and the clerk said to my husband, “Can I help you?” and like most women, I answered for him saying, “Oh, he’s with me”. The clerk then says sweetly, “Oh, isn’t that nice. He’s waiting for his MOTHER”!!!!

  77. Gina says:

    When I was living in my first apartment I cut my hand really bad and needed a ride to the ER. My mother picked me up and while we were in the waiting room she’s holding my keys with my pepper spray attached.

    Of course she proceeds to spray it into her own face.

    • Laura Bee says:

      Oh wow – poor mom. You just reminded me of the time my mom was out for dinner at Mandarin & ate a spoonful of wasabi.

    • Jan says:

      This reminds me of the morning I checked my own can of pepper spray to see if it was on safety– while in the car (in the garage)– the engine running– and in reverse (!). Who does that sh**? (OK, me, I guess…) I looked at it, pushed the trigger, and (of course) sprayed myself in the face– with all the windows rolled up! I rocketed down the driveway like something launched from Cape Canaveral. Finally got my foot on the brake, and belched out of the car doubled over, coughing and gagging. I couldn’t stop. Thankfully, there wasn’t any traffic in the street. Had a hilarious story to tell the folks at work, though…

  78. Kim says:

    In the mid 70s I was a plain, awkward, dateless 15 year old sophomore in Human Relations class with my equally naive best friend and half of the starting lineup on football team. The teacher had us break into pairs to answer questions and present them to the class. One of the questions was “What is the average number of times a month a married couple has sexual intercourse?” My friend and I gave this serious consideration and calculated the minimum would be two times a day (morning and night) multiplied by five (work week), plus three times daily on Saturday and Sunday, totaling 16. We rounded up to 20 reasoning that since 16 was the minimum, the average must be higher. Then multiplied 20 by 4. My friend and I were the first to be called and we stated confidently, “We believe married couples have sexual intercourse an average of 80 times a month.” The entire class (and teacher) burst out laughing. We were mortified to hear the answer was 3. Thank god there was no social media back then.

  79. Kari says:

    Hahaha I love your stories. I hear that like Eliza Doolittle “how DO you do” lol

  80. Kari says:

    In 3rd grade I was at a friends birthday skate party and she got these amazing Barbie skates as a gift. So we were eating cake, drinking red punch and I spilled my entire cup into her new skates. She cried and could not be consoled for what seemed like an hour. So embarrassing omg lol

  81. carla gruszecki says:

    The boy I had a crush on in High School was sitting, with his good looking buddy, at a Library table very close to one of the small bookshelves that had novels in them. I casually, but very cooly, bent down to casually slide (think Ali McGraw, cool Libraian in Love Story) out a particularly cool novel and promptly bashed my head on the top of the bookshelf. I don’t know if you have been on the receiving end of a particulary vicious uppercut by Rocky but I can only imagine it felt like this. The resounding BONK resonated throughout the Library and I staggered back and reeled around the room to the laughter only a teenage boy can produce when someone does something stupid. A curious mixture of hooting, wheezing, rolling around on the floor and pointing. This happened 40 years ago and I can still hear the bonk of my forehead hitting the shelf.

  82. MaryAnne Wolfer says:

    Many moons ago (as in the early ’80s) when we still made salad dressing in a jar, we were sitting down to dinner with friends around my brand new dining room set. Huge rattan chairs upholstered with cushions to match the lamberkin (this was the ’80s) around the window. As we get ready to dig into the salad, our friend decides to give the dressing one last shake…with the top already loosened. It took weeks to get rid of the last of the dressing which ended up on the ceiling fan, walls and every crevice of the rattan chairs. Cotton swabs work really well for this, IJS.

  83. Gayle says:

    Back in the late 60’s, I was in downtown Detroit MI at rush hour racing to catch my bus home from work. Missing it would mean another 20-30 minutes added to my 30 minute ride home, and 15 minute walk beyond that. As I neared the corner I looked to my right straining to check if the bus was coming, then BAMB! I tripped over a fire hydrant. Yes, a fire hydrant. I looked around me, dying of embarrassment, but not a soul was reacting. Must have had my invisibility sheild on and didn’t remember. LOL

  84. Mary W says:

    Two more I had tried to forget about. My daughter went to China for several weeks during college. It was an amazing trip and they went to many buddha temples. In one, she asked the weathered old monk where the trash can was – she wanted to throw away her drink can. He didn’t understand and she tried to show him. Finally her got it and pointed to one and she gave him two thumbs up with a smile. Immediately her guide came and said NO – and whispered that means you think he is well endowed. That same daughter invited her boyfriend to stay on the fold out couch one late night in our home. During the night she and I both were jolted awake by him yelling loudly – You short little fat faced m–f—, get out of here – I have a gun in my truck outside and I’ll run past you and get it. We looked at the window he was yelling at and saw our big fat cats head looking in at us. We both fell into fits of laughter. He could hear us all night just burst out loud. In the morning he said that short little — was looking at him and since he was asleep thought it was someone trying to break in and he wouldn’t ever try to help us again. I told him it really wouldn’t have been much help if the short , fat faced man had ran to his truck and gotten his gun. We just died laughing again.

    These stories I’m reading are just great!

  85. Jani says:

    Pondered over this as I was reading through all of these… Should I or shouldn’t I so what the hell… Will share. My husband had a “brown paper package”
    sent to me when he was over in Germany. He had mentioned that he was going to send this package in case I got lonely. I received the package and put it in my bottom drawer to open when I would be alone and not have the two little ones around. Well I completely forgot about it and a couple of weeks had passed and the doorbell rang. It was a teenager selling magazines so I let him in. While looking through the selection of magazines I notice that he is kind of squirming and getting red in the face. I turn around and there in the hallway is my daughter with the package opened and the vibrator and all the attachments taken out of the box. I said “On my God, where did you get this”! I ran and picked up everything and threw it in my bedroom. I prayed for a big hole to open up and suck me in. I ordered 50 bucks worth of magazines and never got any of them. I didn’t care!!
    The second one was when our son was 5 and was being evaluated to ADD and ADHD. We had to take him to a counselor. We were advised to just sit there and not make any comments to the answers that my son might say. Things were going ok until he asked my son ” Do you ever smell things that no one else smells”? My son replied that yes he does. The Dr asked what it is that he smells and my son said “Farts”! The Dr says “well why would you think that you are the only one that smells Farts”? My son replies ” Well whenever I smell a fart I say who farted and everyone says they don’t smell anything “! We lost it and so did the Doctor!!!

    • Karen says:

      I started laughing as soon as I read “brown paper bag” from Germany, lol. I didn’t know what it was but I knew something was going to go horribly wrong, lolol. ~ karen!

  86. Yeah…I didn’t have to read the reality of your idea…I saw that coming. Ha! I’m impressed though that your wear PPE.

  87. This was back in the day, before electronic communications were commonplace, and I worked for a courier company answering calls for service at the rate of about 150-200 per day.

    We each had multiple lines on our phones, so sometimes we’d have to take a call and put the caller on hold.

    Answering one of the lines as they all lit up, I said, “Couriers, may I hold you?” When I meant to say, may I put you on hold.

    And another time, same company, when one of my coworkers (we all sat in one large room at separate desks) was busy writing something down and asked how to spell the word “illiterate”. After looking at her for a few seconds, the other girl in the room and I dissolved into fits of laughter as she stared at us, bewildered, no idea what was so funny. To this day I don’t think I’ve ever laughed harder or longer.

    • Julie says:

      I asked a coworker if I could have some of her cheese from the staff fridge. She nodded her head as she answered the phone, “Thank you for calling, you can have some.” LOL

  88. Korrine says:

    I went camping in Destin (beautiful beach in the FL panhandle) and there’s a very fancy little town nearby, so we drove over to walk around and shop. It seemed like I was getting some glances, so I said “I feel so out of place here”. My friend looked at me and said, “Well honey, I guesss you would since you are wearing your slippers”. I was wearing (dirty) purple terrycloth slippers. For a long time. I was MORTIFIED.

  89. Donna says:

    Well this isn’t about me but a very funny thing that my husband did – He accidently used icy hot instead of his preparation H! I don’t know how that happened – but I can still hear his screams to confirm it! True story! Thank God there is no picture I can share!

  90. Julie says:

    My bathroom is the size of a coat closet. For some reason I can’t remember, I decided I had to get into the bathroom for something and the door was closed. Forgetting that bathroom doors are usually closed for a reason, I grabbed the handle and pushed open the door… Right over the top of my husband’s foot as he stood in front of the toilet, peeing. With a loud yell and some profanity, he jerked away and proceeded to pee all over the bathroom wall and sink. To this day, I cannot remember what I needed so badly from that bathroom.

  91. Carey says:

    I did not use Vagisil to brush my teeth, however, my brother did. He was accustomed to stealing everything that belonged to me to use as his own, he thought he was grabbing my toothpaste. Poetic justice. Or ironic justice? Whatever the case, it was justice.

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