It's no secret that I don't like Valentine's Day. Dental exams & Pickleball tournaments are good examples of scheduled obligations. Romance, on the other hand is best when experienced spontaneously. In protest of Valentine's Day please enjoy the very best anti-Valentine's gift ideas.
To quote myself, Valentine's Day is a holiday that at its heart seeks to point out that if unreminded, men would go years on end, possibly even an entire LIFETIME without buying their wives cheap, skanky, scratchy underwear.
When realistically what men need to be reminded of is to not buy their wives cheap, skanky underwear. On any day of the year.
I think the only circumstance in which I find Valentine's Day to be heart melting is if, while at the grocery store I see an elderly man thoughtfully inspecting roses to bring home to his wife for the 60th time.
In my imagination this wife is grey haired, bright eyed like her husband, and wears the 60 year old calico apron that she got as a wedding present.
3 minutes later cynical imagination takes over and that wife is a scheming harlot with a top notch lawyer on speed dial.
Anti-Valentine Gift Ideas
For when one of you thinks cupid is stupid.
CUPID IS STUPID - banner
For a cozy anti-Valentine's dinner in with the one you show love and appreciation to every day.
DICK MUG
If your them is a him with a penis this is what he wants for Valentine's day.
Or for those who have a drawer full of strap-ons.
CARTOON FACE PILLOW
Send them a photo, and they make it into a ridiculous tiny pillow with a cartoon version of your loved one's face.
FULL COTTON BRIEFS
When you give period underwear, the message you send is, I care for your vagina in more ways than one.
56,000 5 star Amazon reviews, (said no one referring to a synthetic lace thong ever.)
Blue Dream Chocolates - Etsy
If you're absolutely determined to bring home a box of chocolates 6 GOOD chocolates are better than 24 bad ones.
In my town the place would be Beanermunky.
Your local fancy chocolate place would love to have you in there.
(These stunning chocolates are from Etsy, made local to me in Toronto, but available anywhere with shipping.)
24 VINTAGE VALENTINES
Because a) they're old timey cute and b) you can send them to friends who will enjoy them without having to shave their legs.
3 KIND OF WEIRD TABLETOP THINGS
But again, I like them because they're vintage looking.
Also everything always looks better and more important if it's under glass or on some sort of display stand. In this case a stick.
Chet Baker Sings - VINYL
An actual vinyl album is automatically more romantic than giving a downloadable MP3.
When the album is Chet Baker it's romance perfection.
STAND MIXER DECALS
For when they love baking as much as they love you.
You can get all kinds of decals for the ubiquitous Kitchen Aid. Flowers, chocolate chip cookies, bees ... Whatever you could possibly want you can probably find as a stand mixer decal.
Intimacy Card Deck
A deck of cards with questions about your thoughts on everything from your first kiss to how your partner made you smile this week.
Perfect for new and old couples who are in the mood to learn more about each other & then probably get into a fight.
Just to note - those face pillows come with 3 outfit choices which means you can get creative and make a Man-baby or Lady-baby if you want.
I loved the Kitchen Aid decals so much that as soon as I added the item to my blog post, I went back to Amazon to order myself one before I went back to finish writing this post.
And WOW was that a thing. This decal is $13 US on Amazon.com which converts to around $17 Canadian.
So I immediately went to Amazon.ca (Canada) to order one for myself assuming it would cost me around $17. Maybe a bit more.
On Amazon.ca the decal was $42. For a sticker.
So I went back to Amazon.com to see if I could order the decal from there and then have it shipped here to Canada.
I COULD and they DID and I'm sure I'll love it.
I realized my story wasn't as exciting as I originally thought so I added bold lettering and ALL CAPS to the last sentence for a bit of drama for you.
You're welcome.
While researching this post trying to find good gift ideas I actually Googled - what women really want for Valentine's Day.
The top of the Google search, the NUMBER ONE result was this list. (it might differ for you)
1. Her favorite perfume...
2. A shopping spree at Victoria's Secret.
3. Tickets to go to Book of Mormon.
4. A night at (... a nice...) hotel.
5. Strawberries dipped in chocolate, with a great bottle of wine.
6. A couples' photoshoot.
7. Godiva chocolate.
8. A box of Nügateau's éclair.
9. One of these fitness classes so she can achieve her #beachbodgoals.
This is what Google decided was the BE ALL and END ALL, the absolute BEST IDEAS on the whole Internet to give you. The #1 spot.
And this is why I do not like Google.
Goop on the other hand, thinks women want these "ear pendants".
They're $77,000. And that is why I do love Goop. They're a little on the pricey side but at least they're not a fitness class so I can achieve my #beachbodgoals.
Although they do look a bit scratchy.
For me Valentine’s Day is right up there with New Year’s Eve when everyone except my husband and I are out drinking and frolicking until the wee hours of the morning and we are in bed by 10. I just don’t get it nor do I need it. Thankfully I have a husband who does nice things on days that he is not required to. 51 years and counting….Lucky me!
Lucky you! And yes NYE is another one of my least favourites. ~ karen!
I do prefer the unsung holidays. Like January 14th, National Hot Pastrami Sandwich Day.
!!! I'm so upset I missed that. ~ karen!
I spent many Valentine’s days in Mexico while working there. February 14 is called El día del amor y la amistad;
Meaning the day of love and friendship.
It is not just for couples, everyone is included.
Friends also give each other little gifts, like chocolates or cards.
I love this concept!
WAY better branding. Definitely. ~ karen!
New format is great and your garden is magnificent! Valentines Day - yuk! So many of the gift ideas pushed are for the guy anyway. The last thing I need is uncomfortable undies that he thinks are great. We don't do the gift thing even for the holidays - we buy whatever we want throughout the year so it's no big deal. This post is definitely one of your best ever - sat and laughed all the way through it. So nice to know that I'm not the only one who thinks that VD is just plain stupid...
I think anyone outside of a BRAND new relationship mainly roll their eyes at Valentine's Day and grudgingly take part ~ karen!
The dick mug 🤣👏🏻. I work Valentine’s Day in the floral dept wrapping flowers. So even though I don’t care about it for myself( be cause I’m married to someone who cherishes me every single day) I do love to help anyone who is buying flowers for their love. I mean it’s all good!
I bet your would sell out of Dick mugs if you stocked them. ~ karen!
Chet baker doesn’t look like he is singing…or is that my dirty mind…
We don’t do valentines; we have a cease fire….just kidding, everyday is Valentine’s Day xx
That was a great list... perhaps it could be made better by the addition of a Baker Creek seed catalogue and a coupon for a day of weeding or other work that needs more than one person to get done. That would really do it for me!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Currently "my" copy of Baker Creek is in the hands of one of my mother's friends. Before I got to see it!
Do you have the version that you buy Lynda? The BIG catalogue? I got it this year for the first time - it's beautiful! And effective, lol. ~ karen!
I love your posts. They are real and funny. I can still relate to being singles since I was for 65 years before I found the man that was worthy of me. I have made the most of the time we have left, since we're now in our 70's. It makes all the small crappy stuff, it would have used to bother me, a no deal breaker. Valentine's Day has not been a big deal for me since I was a little girl, thanks to my mother who told my dad it wasn't important because she lost her dad that day. Since I was nine years old we have not celebrated the day. I remember getting a small Whitman candy box from my dad before the loss of my grandfather. Now that my dad had past, last year, I am going to buy a box of Whitman candy for me and my sister, who never got the chance to experience that tradition. It's Valentine's day that brings back losses so not a meaning full day for me. Trying to explain it to others over the years, has been a waste of time because they can't relate. So your "I hate Valentine's day" suggestions are very funny to me. I salute you and admire your attempt to say it's okay not to like the day. Thanks and keep up the great blog. I enjoy very much your formats anyway you want to deliver them. Till next time.
Thanks Iris! Sorry your poor association with Valentine's Day is because of experience and not just a general personality flaw like myself. My Dad bought me - pepperoni - for Valentine's Day, lol. And cheap chocolates. Which of course, I'd love to get one more time. ~ karen!
The most fabulous sushi restaurant in Ottawa is closing for good in April, so my friends and I are using every excuse we have to support them and enjoy them. So for the very first time ever I'm getting more than a scowl for Valentine's. (Calling it VD makes me think of venereal disease but maybe that's the point.)
I'm pretty sure it kind of is the point. Almost positive in fact. Enjoy your Ottawa sushi! ~ karen!
Those stickers! Had to order a set immediately. Now I'm wondering which ones you ordered :)
Hi karen! I ordered the ones that I featured, the folk art ones with the rooster. :) But I really wanted the blue and white Russian folk art ones. ~ karen!
You do it every time ....... I'm clutching my sides !
The dick mug is one of your best shares, ever !
New format is nice. Keep doing what you do so well.
thanks Toni! Yeah, the new email format makes me feel like a grown up. I'm trying a few out over the next few weeks! ~ karen
Nothing says "I Love You" more than the UTI you'd get from the cheap synthetic, scratchy, too small, thong. I didn't see flannel pants on the list-- Red plaid can be sexy too if it's paired with the right long sleeved cotton T shirt.
The picture of classic Kennedy understated. ~ karen!
"If your them is a him with a penis....Or for those who have a drawer full of strap-ons.
Buy The Dick Mug"
I love you. You make me laugh.... out loud.
I refer to my once significant other as a "f*&%$>g dick ... I thought the cup would be something else.
Lol. Keep on keeping on Karen, I need you.
Well I need you too Carolyn! It's a pretty evenly balanced need/need ratio between bloggers and readers. ~ karen!
I, too, do not entertain Valentine’s Day, but for a different reason. 2/14/14 was the evening when, after seeing Alton Brown’s show, I slipped on ice, breaking my leg in three places. So no, I don’t celebrate that sham holiday any more. Ever. But I do so love your list!
Mainly the list was just an excuse to showcase the Kitchen Aid decals I love so much.😆 Sorry about your Humpty Dumpty. I hope it healed well. ~ karen!
Those decals rule! I wish they'd work on my mixer but it's not the smooth finish. It's the older grey Pro series.
Ohhh, it's a nice one then! You don't need stickers, lol. I like that finish. ~ karen!
"I mean, this is cute but when you take it out of the bag, sign it in front of me then hand it over, it loses a bit of its charm." LOL Yeah. But the charm fades even faster when you're handed a card off the rack to read, and then you're told that was your Valentine just as it's put back on the rack. LOL (My smart-@$$ li'l sis did that while I was looking for a romantic not too mushy V day card for my hubby. Enjoy your 14th of February Day!
And now I need to find a way to get my sisters to the store to do the exact same thing. ~ karen!
🤣🤣🤣
This link worked seamlessly to get to your fanulouslessness; however the link for the Jan 27 newsletter isn’t working for me. I keep getting error 404 whatever that means.
I like the more “personal touch” format, it seems even friendlier than before. Looking forward to all your postings!!
Should be FABULOUSNESS!!
Thanks Liz!! I fixed it. (turns out the most recent blog post didn't publish for some reason) but it's up and running now. :) ~ karen!
Wow! Our love is exchanging a gift with meaning. I’m getting a new pair of overalls I really want and he’s getting an authentic baked bean pot. Cause we love ❤️ each other.
I already own a baked bean pot - my grammas - but I'd really love a pair of overalls. ~ karen!
Wearing a pair of those earrings would have your ears drooping down to your boobs. Not bad since most of us 'mature' women have their boobs drooping below where they should be too.
As a florist for way to many years I totally agree that people have bought into the Valentine's hype. Give love all the time!!! Thanks for the laughs and I'm going to check out those decals
I'm still waiting for mine to arrive. So excited! ~ karen
Loved your post on chicken coop winterizing,then wondered over to this one. I am in our home in DownEast Maine while the rest of my family are in NJ. I sent them some homemade cranberry bread and for my husband I knitted a small" pillow" embroidered with a heart,filled with Maine balsam. Very normalish Valentine's gifts,my hubby on the other hand really knows how to get to my heart! He sent daikon radish, hot Japanese dumpling sauce and Vietnamese fish sauce!! What more could a girl ask for? He learned along time ago vacuum cleaners do not a birthday present make, however a gift card for home depot to get the tools of my dreams do. It's really wonderful when you're partner in life truly listens. P.s. I too have had to keep quiet about the dream of owning goats ,at least for the time being. Stay warm it will be -20°F Friday so, our girls will be temporarily staying in our basement : )
Hi Dana! All those gifts sound good to me. And yes it's going to get cold for the chickens in a few hours! ~ karen!