It's almost Valentine's Day!! A holiday fraught with two of everyone's most favourite things - waxy chocolates and unfulfilled expectation.
To be a truly successful blogger you must, MUST celebrate each and every holiday with steroidal vigour. As if failing to create a St. Patrick's Day themed dinner party complete with live leprechauns glued to your wall in the form of a wreath will result in a man named Rocco showing up at your front door with a baseball bat and an unhealthy obsession with your knees.
Actually, scratch the baseball bat thing, if he's a blog enforcer obviously he'll beat you with a piece of a broken down pallet accessorized with some washi tape.
There are two other things crucial to being a successful blogger. I mean it isn't just about holiday frenzy.
The first being an ability to write. The second being an ability to photograph, manage, market, promote, beg, schedule, code, cry, recover, create, make, convey, invent and be perfectly content living for days on end without any real human contact beyond talking to your cat who you sometimes dress in pants because then it kind of feels like you have a co-worker, albeit a co-worker who never contributes anything significant to the business. So very much like upper management.
You get all those skillz down and you, my friend, WILL BE A SUCCESSFUL BLOGGER.
One of my attempts to make it into the world of successful bloggers was coming up with the cherry tarts I featured last week.
Why do these if I hate Valentine's day? As I do. Because WOOOOOOOOOOOO it's a holiday and we must all celebrate the holidays even if we don't like them and think they're stupid and would rather eat a bag of toenails.
#bloggerlife
The tarts are really good and really easy by the way. Nothing like a bag of toenails.
I do not like Valentine's Day. I think it's stupid and silly. And kind of embarrassing really; mostly for men. It's a holiday that at its heart seeks to point out that men, if unreminded, would go years on end, possibly even an entire LIFETIME without buying their wives cheap, skanky underwear. That's just dumb. Any men I've come across have to be reminded to NOT buy their wives cheap, skanky underwear.
Enter Valentine's Day, which conveniently and concisely reminds men throughout the world that nothing better assures a woman that she is loved and cared for, than a man coming home from work, pulling a newly purchased Valentine's Day card out of a plastic bag, signing it in front of her and handing it over with a self assured "I got you covered." smile. Once a year.
If the inventors of Valentine's Day were really serious about their job, the international symbol for it wouldn't be a heart, it would be the silhouette of a man with a drill and a romance novel tucked into his toolbelt while taking out the garbage in front of the whole neighbourhood wearing a thong. Handy, romantic, well read, funny, confident and helpful.
But because I'm a blogger and wish to maintain my status of successful blogger I spent a lot of time trying to come up with a good Valentine's Day DIY for this year. Maybe some food or a decoration or perhaps a recipe for how to make your own edible underwear. You know. Something classy.
I couldn't do it. Really the only Valentine's Day decorations I like are the super cheesy paper cutout hearts that you stick to your windows. You know, kindergarten type stuff. Which makes sense since I also like those old fashioned classmate Valentine's Day cards which are just a cutout of a slightly misshapen cartoon puppy holding a heart.
You'd have to have the cold, cold heart of a man named Rocco to not love that.
It's not that women don't like romance or grand gestures or even chocolate.
There's just something insincere about telling men, forcing them to prove their love through red roses and cheap chocolate on one of the 365 days in the year.
For most women the most memorable gestures of love rarely involve lace. Usually it involves a beverage. Like making you a coffee or pouring you a glass of wine, miraculously just knowing when you need it.
Maybe even on June 23rd. Or October 5th. Or noticing something that needs to be fixed and ... just fixing it. At the very least calling someone and arranging to have it fixed. Now THAT'S romance.
And don't even get me started on what a libido revver it is for a man to cup your chin in his hand as he draws your face close to his mouth and whispers "I want you to be in charge of the remote tonight."
So for right now, I've got nothin' for ya. No red wreath made out of cutout cupids, no chocolate beverage with a homemade heart shaped stir stick. No Valentine's dinner, dessert, printout or cutout.
Nothing.
But if you've learned anything from this post you've learned that doesn't mean I don't love you.
Paula
Many years ago I told a boyfriend that what I wanted for Valentine's Day was a cordless screwdriver. It's what I really wanted. Did I get that? No! He sent me a $75 bouquet to the office, which really pissed me off because it was him showing off, not getting me what I wanted. So when my husband and I got married, I put my foot down and said No Valentine's Day. Period. I explained that I don't want to have to wait until once a year to hear that he loves me, nor do I want him to be constrained to one day a year if he wants to get me something nice or vice versa. That way, every day is Valentine's Day, and we like it like that.
Avril
I think Valentine's Day is for ANYONE you love. Show someone you care especially on this day. And I don't believe it's actually a Holiday. How many people get this day off from work???? Not me! Same as Halloween. Not a holiday either, but fun!
Jane Woodward
You're back! All's right with my world! Btw, agree totally on the stupid heart thing.
Carrie Krumrie
I have missed your posts. I am praying that you are well!!! First thing my husband mentioned this morning, was taking the trash to the curb!!! The idea of him in a thong, was hysterical and with the temp of a blissful 25 degrees, not a good plan!!! I sincerely am with you on the made up holidays!!1 But you explain it soooooo much better!!!
Thanks Karen!!!
Carrie
Barb
"taking out the garbage in front of the whole neighbourhood wearing a thong" I snorted coffee out my nose at the thought of my whole neighbourhood wearing a thong( just one thong for all?) I, too, think Valentine's Day a holiday abomination but then I am very fortunate to have a sweetie who treats me like a princess every day. Not that he doesn't irritate me excessively sometimes. But he was worth the wiat of 24 years!
Barb
Crap! Missed the misspell of "wait" before posting!
Gail
Agree 100%
Em D
Not gonna lie, half the time it takes longer to actually write the post than it does to complete whatever project I'm blogging about... which, as an avowed procrastinator is really saying something. Throw in a puppy or two (let alone a poofy fancy one that needs regular grooming) and I barely document anything anymore.
Suffice to say you were missed, and that you could write about toenail clippings or menstrual cups and I would read it happily. I'd go find that cherries recipe, but it's after Christmas and I'm trying to lose my muffin top. SO... I think I'll go look for your menstrual cup post instead.
Lip is beautiful, btw. So big, so fast! Couldn't they stay little just a little longer!?
Alberta Karen
My husband tends to be extravagant. I am pretty sure I am getting a sheet of plywood this year...hahaha
CS Volkman
Amen, sister!
There are those of us whose husbands have passed on to the big star in the sky and all holidays are difficult.
My husband was always giving me something and always forgot my birthday. They are just days, gals. I would give anything to have this great guy back with no gifts ever.
Good post, Karen.
Petra
Valentines Day? Meh...My guy coming home any random day with a small bouquet ....priceless.
Christine
My man sweetly gave to me this Valentine’s Day a coffee mug picturing a yogi goddess and the words “let that shit go”. I love it and I love him and the self satisfied look he always has on his face every single year on this day since we met in 1995 when he unfailingly remembers to be my valentine no matter what else is going on in our lives at the time.
Jennifer
I dunno. This year I sent my mom an eCard of Michael Bolton singing to her. Pretty sure I nailed it out of the ballpark. ;)
Jody
VD is stupid, enough said. But Karen says it funnier.
Linda Leisinger
You are the best friend everyone wish they had! Your attitude is always on-point and delivered with scathing, relatable humor!
Jeanette
I couldn't agree more! V-day is one of those "Hallmark Holidays". If they're one of those guys who has to be reminded each week to put the garbage on the curb, you also have to give subtle reminders that the big day is coming, hence putting the responsibility on you lest he embarrass himself. Where have all the secretaries gone? Wasn't this one of their tasks? Getting a faded crass joke card that had obviously been in the window on the liquor store rack has the opposite effect. Obviously his best buddy behind the counter used the opportunity to upsell. Home Depot does the same, with bunches of flowers at the check stand for the guy who really just wants a piece of lumber.
Empty the dishwasher, fix the fence for me to discover you did it without me asking, insist that I don't make the bed as well as you do. Exit the house (preferably to do my yard work) when you sense I need to be alone. That's love.
Furthermore, receiving Valentine's Day cards from relatives or friends, although thoughtful and sweet, only passes on the feeling of inadequacies to me. This also applies to the above mentioned St. Patrick's Day as well as Mother's Day (huh? I'm not your mother). This has tempted me many times to run out and send cards to those people for Flag Day. Or Groundhog Day. That'll show 'em! But, always having struggled with cynicism, I try to appreciate the thoughtfulness instead.
Debra B Milam
Before we married my husband was a pretty good gift giver for all occasions, but shortly after we married he told me to buy my own gifts, at first this made me really mad. But later the "gifts from him" got really good. LOL
P.S. On Valentine's Day after that first year of sulking and not buying myself anything I started get large boxes of Godiva chocolates.
Cheryl Thompson
Thank you for this! I officially banned Valentine's Day in our house long ago. It's sad to see men scurrying about on their way home from work to waste money on crap you don't want, but they feel compelled to buy. How about a hug everyday, a gentle touch (preferably not of my boobs) and maybe the occasional "I Love You"?
Lynn Marie
Why do you think Valentines Day is not just a sweet little holiday for children? Have you been brainwashed into thinking it's some kind of adult "romantic" occasion when it's hyped that way to part us all from our money? Why do you suppose you allow yourself to be influenced in this way? Ditto adult Halloween BTW.
Em
Welcome back. You've been missed.
Mary Beth Edwards
I'm laughing so hard I can hardly type...
a man coming home from work, pulling a newly purchased Valentine’s Day card out of a plastic bag, signing it in front of her and handing it over with a self assured “I got you covered.” smile.
Priceless!