There are 3 things women universally dread: the day we realize some asshole stopped manufacturing our favourite jeans, a pap smear and a mammogram. In that exact order. Always. Last week I experienced number three on the list. The mammogram. The boob tube. The knocker rocker. The breast test quest.
Yes indeed, welcome to my mammogram.
So for those of you who are worried, concerned, afraid, nervous or curious about what a mammogram is *really* like, join me during the fun filled experience of mine.
In Canada you don't have to get a mammogram until you're 50 years old. That's because the government is trying to save money not lives. But if you want to or have any history of breast cancer in your family you can ask your doctor to get one earlier. 40 is a popular age for your first if you have a history of breast cancer. My aunt had breast cancer so I told my doctor I'd like to get one.
The only instructions you have to follow when you're getting a mammogram is to wear a top and pants so you can take your top off and still be clothed on the bottom when you go in. Of course you could always wear a dress, be completely naked and schedule a colonoscopy for the same day and be ready for anything. Oh! And don't wear deodorant that day because it's possible it will have metals in it that will interfere with the x ray.
So now you're ready to leave your house in your pants, top and unprotected underarms (that are already getting a sideways glance from the cats because you're nervous about getting your first mammogram). Everything's off to a good start.
I went to a brand new clinic, The Breast Assessment centre, a subsidiary of Hamilton Health Sciences in Hamilton, Ontario. It's beautiful. It had a very sparse, Japanese type design to it so the minute I walked in the doors I felt good. Like I was taking my boobs for a special spa treatment.
Your place may not be like mine but it was a really nice way to get the mammogram underway for me. The beautiful surroundings made me more self conscious about feeling like I had seeping garbage smell coming from my underarms. If I were in a Bangladeshi slum my smell at least could have blended a little.
Now that I had walked in and indiscriminately started taking pictures of the waiting room, with my arms clapped as tight to my sides as possible, it was time for me to check in.
I arrived at 12:35 for my 12:45 appointment. Mainly I was there early because I was so looking forward to it. And by it I'm referring to the moment I returned home and could put deodorant on. I was checked in, taken to the change room and given my gown within minutes.
As of yet no one had pointed to, commented on or made notice of my breasts in any way. In fact they probably got more attention on my last trip to the grocery store.
I had to remove everything on top and kept my jeans and boots on. And my necklace. Just because you're about to have a mammogram doesn't mean you can't be fancy.
Even though the clinic is new and beautiful they didn't have actual gowns for mammograms yet which means that I had to put on a regular, flimsy hospital gown worn backwards. Which means there was no way to do it up so that it covered anything. I could have held it together with both my hands but I had one hand in my pocket and the other one hailing a taxi cab. Wait, no. That's not right. I had one hand on my iPhone, taking pictures. That's right. I was only walking out into a very small, private waiting room with no other people in it, but still. I wanted to be covered up. Enter the winter scarf tied as a jaunty belt. It was at this moment I wondered why I had never taken up Russian dancing. I looked around the change room to see if anyone knew of a good Russian dancing school but no one else was around. Typical of this day I was having. Here I was ready to establish what was obviously my next career and I couldn't do anything about it because of these stupid boobs. Today was boob day. Tomorrow I'd look into the Russian dancing.
As soon as I finished my change room photoshoot I came out into the hall, ready to sit down in the waiting room but the lovely Beth said my name and asked me to follow her.
Beth was my X Ray technologist. She's be the one lifting, moving and squishing my boobs for the mammogram. I immediately felt as though Beth could be trusted with my most prized possessions: the breasts of a woman who hasn't had children. Sadly no one ever sees them. Conversely everyone sees the two warts on the end of my ankles, otherwise known as feet.
Here's Beth. Beth is about to ask me to step towards the big, biting machine so it she can set it up to properly gnaw down on each of my boobs.
A mammogram takes 4 pictures in total. One of each boob with you standing straight in front of the machine the way it is now ...
And two with the machine in this tilt-a-whirl position.
Beth positions where you need to go to then lifts, shoves and gently rolls everything where it needs to be to get the best image. Then the machine bears down automatically to a certain point. When it stops squishing, Beth turns a hand crank to get it a bit tighter for good measure.
You're also given an X ray blocking pad (total technical term) to protect your lady guts. I'm pretty sure I'm past the point of ever deciding to have children, but the X ray blocking pad would help ensure they didn't come out looking like E.T., I would imagine. But that's just a guess.
I know what you're thinking right now. You're thinking that girl has ENORMOUS elbows. And I agree. But I think it was just a bad camera angle.
Does Getting a Mammogram Hurt?
If you have big boobs it will hurt less because you have fat cushioning them.
A lot of the pain factor depends on your technologist and how heavy handed they are with the squishing part.
If you go during your period it will likely hurt more because your breasts are more sensitive at that time. If that's the case you can reschedule your appointment.
If you are nervous and tense it will hurt more because the chest muscles laying under your boob will be tensed up.
Around ⅓rd of women say a mammogram is very painful.
Which means ⅔rds or over 66% do not find it painful. Which is the majority of women.
Did I find it painful? No. No I did not.
The whole procedure, in and out takes about 15 minutes if you don't have any waiting in the waiting room. That's from the minute I got in the place until I got out. Now, it took me a bit longer because I was taking pictures and showing off my boobs, and looking for a good Russian dancing coach, but for most people it will be a quick, 15 minute visit.
Results generally take about a week. I don't have mine yet but I'm looking forward to getting them. I'm also looking forward to getting a Yugo.
Update: I got my results from this mammogram and they were good.
Sonja
I always love it when the tech says "Hold your breath." Like I could breathe if I wanted to when getting smashed! And for those of us with dense breasts - it HURTS! No, we're not wusses. :-)
Melissa in North Carolina
Thanks for an amusing post. Thanks also for the reminder, funny or not we must take care of our selves!
Lori Jones
Well done Karen!!
Ella
"I couldn’t do anything about it because of these stupid boobs"... They get in the way of everything!
Melissa in North Carolina
What a great read, thanks. And a great reminder to get 'em checked!!!
Ev Wilcox
Seriously Karen, where did you get the idea the it hurts us big breasted women less? We're talking about some big time squishing going on. Yikes! And it hurts a bunch. I do need to get one though, and Thank You for the reminder. And this was a very thoughtful post. Well done.
Karen
I asked the technician. She commented that big breasts have more fat surrounding their tissue which acts as a cushion. ~ karen!
Bonnie
Yeah, she probably has small breasts, so she doesn't know.
Traci
I know I don't know you personally, but you are possibly my favorite person! (After my husband and kid of course!) Thanks for always demystifying the scary things in life-from canning to boobs, you've got us covered!
Karen
Ha! You're welcome Traci. It's not a big deal. It's just pictures of my life. :) ~ karen!
Amanda - Small Home Big Start
I'm so glad to hear that you went for a mammogram. My mom just found out on Friday that she has breast cancer that was thankfully detected early at her mammogram last month. Scary stuff but it couldn't have been much worse if they hadn't caught it so early.
Thera
Awareness and being pro active is always best.
A couple of years ago (I was 41) my husband found a lump in my breast. I am neither very large nor very small, the mammogram did hurt, but not excessively and it was well worth it to find out that there were actually a few lumps that were just cysts and not cancer.
Have your mammograms ladies, please!
Cathy Reeves
Smash-o-gram time! Kind of a pain but very necessary so hats off to you for doing it and blogging about it so that others will follow as well. The women center where I go offers not only the " lovely gown" but a wonderful white cotton robe so you do feel like you're at a spa. Oh and also tea and coffee. The Radiologist reads it right away and send you on your way if things look good. Unfortunately if they want to see you in a room or want to take it again that's when the nerves kick in.
Can you even imagine a guy put in his boys in there?
maggie van sickle
Russian Dancer? I was thinking more on the lines of Ninja warrior. Just sayin. Have a great day Karen.
Melinda
There is no history of breast cancer in my family, but I've been getting annual mammograms for years. Last summer, the machine detected cancer in my right breast. Within a few weeks, surgery and radiation were over. I'm fine.
Back when I turned 55, my doctor suggested I get a colonoscopy. A cancerous polyp was found, but the cancer hadn't reached the colon wall yet. The doc snipped it off, did a follow-up three months later, and I'm fine.
Get those tests, people.
marilyn
well that was pretty amusing..i have one scheduled..my second and i am not worried about it as the first one was a piece of cake..did not hurt at all.
Mel
Thank you for sharing. Awareness is very important. I have best cancer in my family but I have a bunch more years before I need to start being screened. And I have giant fibrous breasts that I fear will hurt.
While I think early detection is important, I also am a firm believer in prevention. There are many things we can do to prevent cancer even if it runs in our family. Drinking lemon water every morning, eating real food including lots of vegetables, avoiding meats and dairy that have hormones, exercising and watching the chemicals we introduce to our bodies (that deodorant may not be doing you any favours besides making you smell socially acceptable, a mix of baking soda, arrowroot powder/cornstarch and coconut oil works great). These are all things that will make our bodies a place that cancer is less likely to inhabit. I hope your test results come back okay, waiting is scary.
Heather
Thanks for sharing, Karen. A few minutes of discomfort is well worth the comfort of knowing you are clear of cancer and all the real discomfort that ensues.
Diane
I was laughing so hard reading this. Then...a Facebook post (below)! Too much...so I had to share!
*****
While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say "Your Honor, I'm guilty but..... There were extenuating circumstances."
The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too, so I listened as the lady told her story.
"Your Honour, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?" I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered.
I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap! Complete darkness, the power was off!
Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise grip alone are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy... The door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire," found me... standing on my tip-toes, half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did, but thanks anyway." "OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honour, is exactly how her head ended up between clamps...." The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed".
mayr
Always with the originals posts. LERVE!!
I too wrote a post recently noting that if men had to have a body part( THE body part) flattened with 17 psi you can bet there would be luxurious machines created to ensure the experience was enticing and enjoyable.
http://www.ramonaramonesays.blogspot.com
BethH
I have large, dense breasts and the squishing hurts all that fatty tissue, too, in spite of having had breast reduction surgery some years ago. I take a couple of Tylenol as I pull into the parking lot, so they kick in about the time I get melded with the machine. Don't be scared, just do it, and give yourself some little special treat afterward.
Ann
Thanks for being kind about the art of Mammography. I am a registered mammographer in the US and many years ago I did only that for a living. I totally lived ate and breathed breast cancer detection. But then I moved on to doing MRI's on kids which kept my passion the rest of my working career.
No-it does not hurt less on fatty breasts. Fat actually hates to compress and so it is often just a tad bit more uncomfortable, but still shouldn't hurt. Also if you drink a lot of water for a few days prior to going so you are not at all bloated. Avoiding caffeine is sometimes suggested but all that got us was some grouchy women with hideous headaches. The most comfortable mammo I ever had was last year when I had lost some weight by being very low carb. Man, it was so comfortable, I stood there are talked to my tech under compression and we both almost forgot to let up the compression plate. We always have a good chat while I am there because of a shared history.
Karen
Hi Ann, just to clarify for not only you but everyone else too, the fatty tissue thing is straight from my technician's mouth based on her experience of doing it for years. I just wanted to let everyone know I didn't just make that fact up or read it in a book. ~ karen!
Ann
Karen-You make something up? Never, ever in a million years.
But even an experienced tech can give incorrect info. Often the things we say are what needs to be said for that patient even if in general, in is a bit of a falsehood.
There are several things that go into having a more comfortable mammo experience. First of all finding a really skilled mammographer that cares about her patient's comfort. All mammo machines now, by law, have to have both foot and hand controls and a good mammographer is going to only use the foot control to get close and when working the hand control they will keep asking you how you are doing. Is it too much? Can you take a little more, ect?
The patient herself, or even sometimes, himself does need to relax as much as possible. It does help allow the tech to be able to include enough of the chest wall muscle to make sure no breast tissue is escaping detection. Just a couple of slow deeper breathes during the initial positioning helps. But as soon as the plate really starts to get a bit tight, keep the relaxing going but just don't do the deep breathes or it may move your breast out of position.
Again making sure you are not dehydrated or in a bad place in a hormone cycle. If there is any food that you know bloats you up, such as something with a high salt content, or MSG avoid that for at least a couple of days prior.
And even tho this does not add to exam comfort-do try to find a place with a really good reliable radiologist and then keep going back there. Being able to compare like films year to year can add to the chance something will be caught small.
Bonnie
Size doesn't matter. It generally hurts, but it's one of those things you endure. And when it's over, and hopefully as is well, you put it aside until the next year.
I always bring along my deodorant, even tho I am 15 minutes from the mammogram center. You KNOW you will walk onto someone in the corridor after that you know. Don't need to feel traumatized twice in one day. LOL!