Menopause, shopping for cannabis with my 84 year old mother, and the wheels falling off. Also I tried another YouTube hair curling tutorial. So yeah, shit went down this week.
Actual text from Thursday
I spend one hour each night watching television. Mostly dark series like Killing Eve, Ozark, or Shameless but none as detrimental to my hair as a Hallmark Christmas movie. I blame the Hallmark franchise of Christmas movies on this ...
It starts in November, and by December I can't help myself. I wake up one morning and decide I'm going to have to curl my hair. It's not a thought so much as a compulsion after watching hours and hours of Hallmark starlets, with a head full of not too uptight, not too loose curls. I've never liked curls. They're too curly for me. I've never liked Christmas sweaters, dainty necklaces or saying Oh Gosh but after a month of watching I enter what I assume is some sort of Hallmark hypnosis.
This is how I end up curling my hair. Once or twice a year I give it a shot, it fails in a rather epic way and I walk around for the rest of the day as if this is a totally normal and good look for me. The next morning I retire the ambition of curls until the next round of Hallmark seasonal movies comes on television.
I want to make it clear that I don't blame Hallmark entirely, I blame YouTube beauty Vloggers. Specifically the ones who do hair tutorials, upload them, and expect me to be able to replicate what they do. Last time I watched a video on doing a type of rag rolling technique in order to look exactly like Charlize Theron. You can see the startling results of that here.
This time, I wanted to dry my hair with a diffuser to easily bring out "the luscious natural curls that were just waiting to blossom from my head". That was the description. So that's what I did. I diffused and diffused and diffused with my billion dollar hairdryer until I flipped my head back up and saw Nick Nolte staring back at me.
I would never have even tried to achieve head blossom curls even a year ago but something's changed in that time. I think my meno is pausing.
I had some blood tests last month that I think confirmed it. I'm not entirely sure because my doctor didn't walk me through the results. I read and interpreted the test results myself online. My doctor is retiring at the end of the month so if you aren't scabbing up from some sort of radiation poisoning, she's maybe not going to get back to you.
If it's true, this would ALL MAKE SENSE. I have had a bizarre series of random symptoms (including the gut wrenching anxiety that started earlier this year) over the past several months. None of which I've ever heard of as being related to menopause.
Want to know why? Because menopause is relegated to the same level of medical concern as "my kid stuck a peanut up his nose." The only time I remember any sort or real discussion in public about menopause was when one study thought maybe hormone replacement therapy could give you cancer and all the doctors stopped prescribing it giving us a world of 45-60 year old women screaming their way through a medical crises with no medical help at all.
Don't think going through menopause without hormone replacement therapy is a medical crises? Picture this conversation:
Doctor: Hello man person. You had a heart attack, you might have had a stroke, I'm going to have to remove both your arms and legs and you have cancer in your eyeballs. And oh yeah, it looks like all of your testosterone is gone.
Man Person: Nooooooo!!!! My testosterone is gone???!!!!!
Turns out the whole women shouldn't use hormone replacement therapy thing is pretty close to bullshit by the way. More on that in an upcoming post I plan on writing called Hey menopause, what the f*ck?
How this relates to hair curling, is that one of the things that can happen during menopause is your hair can go from straight to curly. Or in my case straight to curlyish in the back and sort of just weird in the front. I figured with these random curls that started naturally blossoming from my head all I needed was a diffuser to enter my Hallmark movie life. You can see from the photo above that this is yet another time I was very, very wrong.
This possible menopause thing is probably what's also causing my anxiety. I got it back in February and thought it was because of the health scare I went through. But now that I'm sort of connecting all the dots, it seems like menopause might be the asshead in this scenario.
I gave CBD oil a shot and thought I noticed it helping a little bit, but it's so hard to tell because it takes a while for CBD oil to take effect in your system. I stopped taking the CBD mainly because of the cost and because I really wasn't 100% sure if it was doing very much. A few months later I noticed my anxiety had gotten really bad and I started taking it again it. It does seem to help, but I wouldn't say that CBD is the magic drug it's touted at yet.
That realization led me to meeting my 84 year old mother in the parking lot of my local pot shop. She has a fascination with anything different or interesting so I knew if I told her I was going to the new "drug store" as I call it, she was going to want to go.
I wanted to see if they had some strain of pot or something that would help me calm down before bed and sleep. I'd been waking up relentlessly with panic attacks for months and I was exhausted.
Her bravado ended the minute we had to actually walk through the parking lot and into the small drug den with the cheery yellow "Hello Cannabis!" sign out front. She refused to show the attendant her identification as is required when we walked in. When she realized he really wasn't going to let her in without showing it she basically waved her wallet in front of his face and said There. You saw it. This is stupid.
And just like that my mother had made another friend.
We went in and stared blankly around. It's set up like a 1980's catalogue store with a long counter of sales people ready to grab something from the back for you, and a row of tables down the centre of the room where you can flip through their online catalogue and fill out a request form for whatever you want.
Looking up, I saw my neighbour Wayne behind the counter and he waved us over. Betty was in it now.
I told her to relax. I imagined she was worried someone would see her there, but I reminded her that if they were seeing her, she was also seeing them. That calmed her down some. Once she realized it was a store like any other that she could browse for home accessories in she let loose.
It was quite a mother daughter day. Daughter buying a couple of THC and CBD options for debilitating menopausal anxiety, mother contemplating if 1 or 2 handblown glass pipes would look better as a coffee table accessory.
We put on the THC virtual reality glasses ...
.. and discussed the paintings that were displayed in the outer room. She liked them. Wondered if they had anything to do with pot. Other than the bright colours, they did not.
In the end I had to drag her out of there. My mother liked the new experience. Next month I'm thinking of taking her to visit someone in jail.
Last Tuesday I walked to the grocery store at night with my antique wicker market basket. As one does. If they're an idiot.
I've done it once before and loved how much easier it made walking home with groceries. And also so much more stylish than a regular bundle buggy. I mean I might be going into menopause but I'm not at the bundle buggy stage yet.
Just as I was in the middle of crossing the road at a stoplight, my wheel fell off. Which would have been bad enough. But I didn't really notice it even as I was suddenly scraping my cart across the road. When a spark caught my eye, I looked down and noticed one wheel was back near the sidewalk curb and all that was sticking out from my market basket was a metal axel.
By now the crosswalk light was in that alarming state where it counts down how many seconds you have left before being run over by a car. There wasn't enough time for me to make it to the side I was headed towards so I had to turn around, in the spotlight of everyone's headlights, lift my market basket and hobble my way towards my wheel.
This was all on the way to the grocery store, so I didn't have to worry about getting all the way home on one wheel. The basket was carried to the store where a cashier gave me the one thing that can be used to fix anything. Duct tape.
Wheel attached, groceries purchased, I made my way home with my duct taped cart, reminding myself all the way that if this were a Hallmark movie a handsome lawyer/rancher would have hopped out of his truck to help me with my market basket situation.
And my hair would have been curled.
Vikki
I had a HORRIBLE time with menopause. (still do.) One doctor looked me straight in the eye and said "it's all in your head." !!!! Like he would know!! Another gift of menopause you haven't gotten to yet is---weight gain. No matter if you try to exist on air, you will put on weight. A lot of it. Plain iceberg lettuce will automatically make you gain 5 pounds. And your menopause will not recognize any effort at exercise. So many gifts...….
But I did like your Nick Nolte comment. (snort!!)
Lisa
I was advised to get one that’s about 10% of your body weight. Mine’s 13 pounds. I bought mine from Mosaic Weighted Blankets. I love them because you can design you own from their fabric selection. And because the company was started by a woman who years ago became the mom of an autistic child. She learned to make them for him. Now she has a large company that sells directly on the web.
Leslie
I went through menopause about 9 years ago with virtually no trouble. And I'm calmer and nicer than I was before (which is only sometimes nice).
I was on a low dose of anti-depressants anyway. Maybe that helped.
But now my main worry is my thinning hair. My hair was already fine and thin to begin with, but now one can see my scalp!
I'm trying Rogaine. Meanwhile, my doc gives me a vaginal estrogen cream, which I'm not crazy about but is, honestly, essential.
Good luck! There are some definitely upsides to having gone through 'the change.'
Renee King
Wow! Menopause. ;-) Cannabis is not something I would have thought of for symptom relief. For other things though...
Paula
My "menoperm" started just like yours, curling in the back. Slowly, slowly it moved to the front and then I let it blossom. Secret to my happiness was in finding a great hair cutter (who, incidentally has retired from that but comes to my home at a greatly reduced price) who will do what I want. Menopause wasn't bad but 20 years later I still have night sweats. Now I smell like a high school locker room after a boys' basketball game every.single.morning. Oh well, could be worse. I like my curly hair!
Carol
I've had horrible hot flashes for years (had a hysterectomy 28 years ago . . . am 59 years old now). A month or so ago I started using Estro-Life (Paraben Free - $29.95 on Amazon) in the morning and Progesto-Life ($18.95 on Amazon) in the evening. I noticed the difference the very first day. I may have a hot flash a couple times a week now (instead of multiple per hour), but even those are nowhere near the intensity they was before. The products are made by Smoky Mountain Naturals. No more brain fog and I feel amazingly better all around! I have no connection to Smoky Mountain Naturals . . . just a very satisfied customer. I wish I'd found these products 15 years ago!!!
Carol Marais
OMG! I had the easiest menopause ever and had no idea it was due to the anti depressant. (Guess I thought I was special.) I highly recommend this approach to the process.
Melissa
Not all antidepressants help. I had been on Zoloft for years and I still had hot flashes on and on every night. I was seriously sleep deprived. My doctor added venaflaxine and that seriously reduced the number and intensity. Not perfect, but much better. Also improved my "impatience" level.
Melissa
PS, I couldn't take any forms of estrogen. It gave me (I know, TMI here) vaginitis. I had to weigh bad sleep at night to feeling uncomfortable all day long. Sleep won out.
Marcia
I didn't have a really terrible menopause (which I took to be my reward for having horrible cramps since my period first started). I had what I would call mild hot flashes, and I don't remember the mood swings. But the hot flashes were enough for me to try to figure out a way to ease them. I was in that generation where HRT was bad, so I searched for a natural solution. I read that taking vitamin E would help with hot flashes. You start with one capsule and gradually work up to an amount that eases the symptoms. It seemed to help.
As for your hair...I found these things called Curl Formers that I love! I too am hair styling challenged and have spent hours putting rollers in or trying to blow dry some semblance or style into my fine, bodyless hair only to look in the mirror and immediately stick my head under a faucet to wash it out and start over. Then I found the Curl Formers. My hair is about chin length right now and that seems to be the optimum length for me. Here's a link to the ones for shortish hair, but there are many choices. You just have to make sure you get a kit with the hooks to start with: https://amzn.to/2LVOvsn
Good luck!
Karen
Those are bizarro! I'm not sure I could do those, lol. ~ karen!
Beth P
oh god, please write more about the insanity of menopause. I'm actually weaning off the crazy pills I went on for anxiety now that I'm mostly through.
I use light therapy for the sleeplessness. We all have receptors in our eyes that when exposed to bright light in the morning help regulate our melatonin and circadian rhythm. I'm a non-believer but was desperate and it's helped. I sit and do email/calls overseas on the weekdays so it's easy to have it on for 20+ minutes. Sleeping helps with managing the anxiety.
Supposedly so does meditation, but I just can't. But when I can't fall asleep or flash awake in the middle of the night, I design fonts in my mind out of things like spaghetti, twigs, bobbypins. This is because I've already learnt the alphabet backwards.
Denise
Menopause is like one of those surprise boxes you order from hatcheries where they throw in whatever weird bird they have left over that day. I think someone sits upstairs and randomly picks out unrelated symptoms to throw at menopausal women just to screw with us.... I drew phantom fevers. I had gone through so many labs I was anemic, and countless courses of antibiotics but every month brought another week-long high fever with no other symptoms. Then I found a chat room full of women discussing their menopause fevers and I realized what was going on. Thank God for Google...
Alice
My anxiety was giving me severe chest pains. Finally went to doctors and had blood work done, ECG and chest x-ray. All clear. I do however have the beginnings of anemia. Am now eating more iron rich foods. My pains are gone. Doctor also gave me Ativan for when I really need it. Have taken 1 in the past six weeks. I've also started taking Metamucil Fibre pills every day - just 2. This has also helped. Just some thoughts.
Kari in Dallas
Menopause is bullshit. It’s yet another thing no one prepares you for. Kind of like period cramps, weird hairs growing everywhere, and the importance of cleaning out your shower drain.
I’m over it, but quite pleased to know I’m not the only one pissed, anxious and carrying around 10 extra pounds of water weight gain (yup, another thing no one tells you.)
God I wish weed was legal here in Texas. For now I have to rely upon the kindness of my neighbors and my son. And that’s even weirder.
Amy
Did your cholesterol jump? I just had some blood work done for my annual physical, and my cholesterol, which last year was 158, jumped to 213. My appointment with my doctor isn't till this coming Thursday, but this bums me out. I switched to a whole food plant based diet a couple of years ago to help bring down my cholesterol, and now that menopause has hit (I think about 3 months ago), it looks like that isn't enough. I've been fortunate in that I haven't had any other symptoms, but I do eat a lot of soy on this diet, which I understand helps a lot with that. Then again, maybe my week-long trip to Paris a few weeks ago had an effect. I tried to eat mostly healthy there, but can't get away from butter there!
Lisa
From reading about cholesterol, it seems cholesterol is necessary to repair your cells, and the real danger is having too much LDL, which can clump and clog as opposed to HDLs which are larger and fluffy. So it is the ratio of these two that is important. Mine was high too (and may still be, although no one seems interested in checking) but my ratios and HDL were good. There seems to be controversy about cholesterol medication and its possible side effects.
Amy
Lisa,
Thanks for your reply. Yes, my LDL jumped as well, and HDL didn't move much, so my ratio is now terrible. My ratio was great before. I will talk to my doctor on Thursday, she had sent me a note with my lab results asking if I had gone through menopause because it turns out that is a factor.
Charlene
Menopause is a bitch! I was determined to get through it because it is a natural stage of life. I bought enough hand held fans to compete with my collection of reading glasses. Then my doctor (a female who has yet to experience MP) sent me to the “boob” doctor to get a second opinion of my ultrasound. He said the ultrasound was fine but then said “Have you thought about hormone replacement therapy?” I was shocked as I had not said anything about my long nights of hot flashes. I guess the fact that the bags under my eyes were bigger than my boobs was a tip off. He suggested some reading material (on the internet) and said to discuss with my doctor. That went something like this:
Me: I think I need HRT.
Doctor: You’re post menopausal and I only subscribe it for premenopausal.
Me: When the hell did menopause happen? The last time I was here a few months ago I was pre and now you claim I’m post? My hot flashes are worse not better. Boob Doctor said...
Doctor: Then why didn’t he prescribe it for you?
Me: Because you are my doctor!
Doctor: What do you want?
Me: I don’t want horse piss.
Doctor: Well I will only do this because you are in good health. It would be easier if you had had a hysterectomy.
Me: This would be easier if I could get some sleep! Women are not bitchy because of the actual lack of hormones as much as the actual loss of sleep. I want patches.
I then released her throat and she wrote me a prescription.
My next visit I told her how many lives she saved (including hers).
Hope you find a solution that works for you! And thank you for addressing the topic.
Marcia
I don't want to laugh because I'm sure your experience was horrible, but this "I then released her throat and she wrote me a prescription.
My next visit I told her how many lives she saved (including hers)" was just hilarious.
Cherie
This post made me laugh out loud. Thanks. It's crazy busy on Dec. 17th -- my gawd, Christmas is just a week from now -- but I read every single one of these comments. Maybe by Dec. 28, I'll be ready, the tree will be decorated, and I will.... I had the world's worst menopause. It started, I swear, on my honeymoon in 1989. My poor husband had married a screaming harpy who kept him up all night for all the wrong reasons. At 75, I still get the occasional hot flash. Go, Karen. This, too, will pass. Merry Holidays.
Mary W
Smiling and reading your blog while comfortably sitting in my easy chair drinking coffee, I casually clicked to the 16 yo in bed and as I do every time, I laughed out loud, peeked back at the surprising picture, then laughed again. I need to make a copy, layer another plain paper over the top, hang it on my kitchen wall, then write over the top - open if your day needs help. It has to be a surprise as that makes it magic. I can see it over and over again in my head after the first surprise viewing - pure magic. I love you.
Karen
Hahahaha! Thanks Mary. Glad to help. ~ karen!
Christine
Please dont hate me. I went through menopause without any symptoms,not one hot flash EVER. I mentioned it to my G.P. one day and he kinda rolled his eyes like l was dumb and said "Well of course you don't.You are on Prozac.lt helps regulate your hormones." Just a thought.
Leslie Best
So a good week then?! 🤣🤣
Karen
Totally. Yes. Why would you ask?😂~ karen!
Noreen Mckechnie
Going through menopause I had cold spells, not many but they sure were weird. Must say that it was good to hear someone else endured them. I really want to recommend a book The Vagina Bible by Jen Gunter. She gives a great deal of common sense as a woman gyno .
Ann
I was just about to suggest L-theonine. It's supposed to be wonderful for anxiety.
John
I appreciate these updates; they feel almost episodic and digestible without being flippant. Kudos on striking that balance.
However, a smidge of proofreading could help.
I read your posts aloud to my partner, who enjoys them as well.
Karen
Well then it sounds like you two would be the perfect proofreaders. Consider yourself hired. ~ karen!
Jen
I actually curled my hair last night too...for the first time in years. I was unaware of the #Hallmarkeffect...but it all makes sense now. ;)
This was so freakin funny. The pic of your Mom at the counter alone...pure gold.