I'm almost finished cleaning up the mess of my brain that's been splattered around my kitchen after the almost 4 hour ordeal of getting a few groceries. Just let me freshen up a bit and I'll meet you on the other side of the first photo to tell you the story.
Getting groceries
You know what? I've lied. I'm not going to tell you my whole grocery getting story because I assume you have the exact same story. Maybe I'll just hit you with the condensed version of what getting groceries is like at the moment and you can let me know if your experience has been the same.
I'll just be cuddled up in the corner with my blood pressure monitor while you read on.
Some time in late March: Order groceries online to be picked up at grocery store. Click, click, click. Done. I love this.
Next day: Realize I hadn't added my credit card to the grocery site so entire order has disappeared including my time slot for pickup. Re-choose a pickup date (soonest one is over 2 weeks away), add credit card, re-select groceries basing my choices on what I need immediately and what I suspect I'll need in 2 weeks. Shocked to discover my grocery store doesn't sell toilet paper, hugs or tranquilizer darts online.
2 week waiting period: Train my brain to accept carrot sticks and sliced apples with peanut butter as acceptable snack items. Which they are not.
Mid April: Grocery pickup day. Feeling like it's the last day of school, the first day of school, Christmas morning, and the day I talked myself out of an illegal left turn ticket all in one. Put on jeans in anticipation of my big day out, go pee, notice the seams of my jeans are leaving ¼" deep indentations on my legs and change back into sweat pants.
Leave for 6 p.m. scheduled pickup at grocery: Gather all the normal gear I need to leave my house: car keys, bank card, latex gloves, face mask, coronahair hat, spray bottle of water with bleach, paper towels, mini hand sanitizer, and cough drops on account of my newfound greatest fear: coughing in public.
Arrive at grocery store parking lot and park in one of the spots allotted for those of us smart enough to order our groceries in advance. Call the phone number to say I'd arrived and tell them which parking spot I'm in. Am given apologies that there will be a 15 minute wait.
No problem. I can go for a walk. No I can't. I might miss them come round with my potato chips. I'll just wait here for 15 minutes (4 times in a row).
7:00 p.m.: A cart of groceries finally arrive for me an hour after my scheduled time slot. I spent the time wisely, taking selfies that were all deemed too hideous to post anywhere, talked to my mother on the phone, texted friends and silently judged people I thought weren't wearing their masks as directed by television heartthrob Dr. Anthony Fauci.
7:03 p.m.: Groceries finally arrive with a 6 foot apart apology that they didn't have everything I needed in stock. I figured this might happen what with this being the Eastern Bloc in 1982. But CHIPS? The entire store had no chips?? Or cat food???
7:05 p.m.: Decide I just don't believe a store the size of Liechtenstein doesn't have any Ruffles potato chips or cat food. Am forced to sacrifice a disposable N95 face mask to go into the store after spending 2 weeks avoiding the grocery store, the people in it and their bodily orifices that spew germs for what I've recently learned is an alarming distance.
7:06 p.m.: Find both potato chips and cat food. Take first breath while being in store and get lightheaded. In a good way. Pick up wine for Betty and a few other things while avoiding one particular man who finds his face mask restrictive and is therefore wearing it on the more comfortable spot of his chin. Head to the checkout line and stand respectfully on my designated piece of tape on the floor.
7:08 p.m.: Under his Eye.
7:15 - 8 p.m.: Drop off groceries I had picked up for relatives and neighbours then return home giddy to see if this trip would help me achieve an all time high score on my blood pressure monitor.
8:00 - 9 p.m.: Hand wash all of my groceries with a spray bottle of bleach and water while memorizing the periodic table, which I didn't think I'd ever need to know, but didn't think I'd ever need to know how far saliva will project vertically before dropping horizontally either.
9:01 p.m.: Decide the whole fiasco was pointless since I've decided I'm never going to eat again.
So. You? Same?
I have been able to find solace in rhubarb.
My yard has a little microclimate area where my rhubarb grows. Between the fence around my yard, the heat from the brick wall of my house, the raised bed and the south facing location, my rhubarb patch is always a month ahead of anyone else's in this area.
This means by the time most people are just starting to get a harvest I'm already oozing rhubarb out of my pores. I stop eating rhubarb when looking at it triggers my gag reflex. But until then? I'm rhubarb crisping.
Unfortunately, due to the current condition of my brain, I burned my first batch this year which sent me into a deep depression because of the fact that THIS is no time to be ruining snacks. (see former story about how getting groceries nowadays sounds like a crossover episode of Game of Thrones and The Handmaid's Tale.)
The rhubarb crisp recipe. And don't forget with my recipes, you can slide the "servings" bar around so the recipe automatically calculates the measurements for however many servings you want. I usually just make servings of 2 for this. You can Give the Gift of Rhubarb crisp by putting all the ingredients for the topping in one mason jar and all the ingredients for the filling in another. Then leave it on someone's porch along with a bundle of rhubarb. I'm still taking my CBD oil daily. At first I thought it was working. Then I didn't think it was doing anything so I stopped. Then I realized my anxiety levels were increasing and I started taking it again regularly (3 small doses a day) and everything is under control again. Well, I mean as under control as anyone can expect it to be during a social, physical and emotional crisis. I added some length to my outdoor faucet last year because it was in a reallllyyy inconvenient place but I didn't drain it properly last fall and the pipe burst. Midway through fixing it I realized I was missing a crucial part and Instagrammed about it. A local friend saw and offered to have her son pick up my part from their hardware store run the next day. All hail those helping others. Thanks Noelle (owner of local shop, Ellenoire! ) It is STILL easily cold enough to warrant big bowls of spaghetti and meatballs around here. I wish that wasn't the case, but it is. In fact as I stare out the window while I write this there are flurries flurrying. It's absurd. I'm getting a lot of reaction from this little saviour I posted last week, the cake in a cup. In case you missed it, it is a cake. And it is in a cup. That's about it. It's just a slightly elevated version than the original with raspberries, powdered sugar and anything else you can think of throwing on top of it to help get you through a snack attack.What I've Been Doing This Week.
Rhubarb Crisp. A Sweet / Tart Delight.
I Took CBD Oil for 2 Weeks. Here's How it Went.
How to Replace (or Move) Your Leaky Outdoor Faucet.
Mmmmm .... Spaghetti & Meatballs
Two Minute Chocolate Mug Cake. A Fancy Cake in a Cup.
→Follow me on Instagram where I often make a fool of myself←
Connie Bridgham
Just. So. Funny.
Thanks for the belly laugh this morning, Karen.
Ellen
I used to enjoy grocery shopping, now it's a chore and stressful!
About disinfecting your groceries...
https://www.sciencealert.com/food-safety-expert-explains-how-to-safely-deal-with-groceries-during-the-pandemic
Thanks for keeping things "real" for us..
:)
Jane
Finally got around to reading this post.
This COVID-19 thing may not be killing me, but definitely keeps me hopping. Normally when we need dessert or bread, I just hop over to the bakery. Once in a blue moon, when I'm in the mood, I'd make one or the other. Now I'm making bread (not with a bread machine, I'm the kind who needs to feel the dough with my hands to know if it's ready) AND dessert at least once a week, sometimes twice. And grocery shopping! The wait to get in is worst than anything else!! And your post just convinced me not to start ordering for pick-up.
Our younger boy lives 45 minutes away, in an apt building, but his car is making funny noises, so he's not comfortable to drive the distance over for Easter dinner. He can't sew and said he hasn't been buying groceries because he has no masks. Of course mom made him a couple of cloth ones with a pocket to put in a coffee filter or two and rushed to mail them the Wed before Easter, with a tracking #. Canada Post said two business days. Tracking said it's out for delivery the Tues after Easter. Delivery was still pending by Thurs. Got Canada Post to start an investigation. Made a couple more and mailed them that Wed, also with a tracking #. It was out for delivery Friday morning. Delivery was still pending late Fri afternoon. Then the kid saw a Canada Post notice pasted on the building door, dated Sat.! It says that they can't access the building, mail is held at distribution centre, but due to the virus, customers can't go to the distribution centre. What the f***! At least the notice has an email address & phone # at the bottom. This being Mon, still waiting for the kid to let me know how things stand.
Patti
My sister-in-law had her turkey lunch meat substituted with turkey necks!
Rachel Shepherd
"Under his eye" - hahahahaha so good. And sadly, feels creepy accurate right now.
susang
what is mindy cake?
Lois
THANK YOU for the picture of the chicken. And for reliably making me laugh.
And did you see the video of the governor of Florida putting a mask on sideways? yikes.
Karen
NO, I did not see that, lol. Oy. ~ karen!
Marion
I have also lost my pick up time-slot. It happened to me twice in fact. I’ve just spent 20 minutes typing in what happened to my reservation and why but I’ve deleted it because no one needs to hear me vent! Suffice it to say that not only do you have to Place Your Order but you also have to Pay for it. It makes perfect sense after the fact but the instructions could have been clearer. So I’ve made my third attempt and have paid for it. I should have groceries next weekend. The only problem now is that I needed the stuff I put in my cart so had to go to the store anyway. I no longer need anything in the cart I’m getting!
I was in the store on April 18. There was not a single box of brownie mix to be had. I guess our town will be celebrating 420 in style!
Jane C.
I live in a small town and most people are very respectful of the six-foot distancing. Some are wearing masks, I haven't so far. I shop once a week, get in and get out. I ordered seed potatoes online from Canadian Tire and picked them up in front of the store the next day.
I am extremely envious of your rhubarb. Mine has just put up leaves and I am craving apple crisp now.
Vikki
Sigh! same here in the Pacific Northwest, USA. Plus, the checkout person who will have a hysterical fit if you don't do Everything Just Right!!!! I realize their risk and I do appreciate them working....but it is all very wearing. Time for Cup O' Cake.
Rozz Aucella
You have made my day seem so much better. You have summed up how I felt yesterday when shopping for a few items in my small town. It took longer than ever. Put your gear on, take your gear off. I had to go to the hardware store, put your gear on, take your gear off. Then I wiped down the car door handle, grocery bag handles, etc. You really know how to make a person laugh. Thank you for that.
Karen
You're welcome Rozz! ~ karen!
Debra B Milam
Feel the same way! After sanitizing all my groceries before putting them away last week I also decided I did not ever need to buy food again!
Su
Ruffles and rhubarb. You rock!
Be well
Joyce
Not to be toooo judgey but that is a lot of snack food. Guess your store was out of the healthy stuff.
I found cat food. My son’s cat hates this brand. Why do I care? Because I feed the cat this stinky wet stuff every morning now that my son and his family moved in. They are rehabbing a “ free family house” from the floor joists up, outside in. They have been here a looong time.
For dinner, we play, close your eyes and pull something out of the freezer, then do the same with two of anything from the pantry. All food goes well with potatoes!
I think I will go sew sequins on my obligatory go-to-town mask. I have another week before I will need it again.
Karen
Nope. I don't need healthy food. I have tons of it in my freezer and mudroom (still have a huge supply of potatoes, carrots, canned green beans, beets, onions, garlic, etc. from my garden). ~ karen
Nancy Ann
Good one, Karen!
Nancy Ann
Lois
I had faith that that would be your answer. :-)
Leslie
Karen, I've been wondering for two years whether you ever bought a new sofa. (True, I have no life, myself.)
I'd like to see the sofa you have and more of the interior of your house!
Karen
No! I haven't, lol! I'm still not completely convinced about what I want. I thought it was an English roll arm, and I'm still leaning towards that, but I haven't taken the plunge because they're a tiny bit too deep for my room so I'm worried about ordering a custom sofa only to find out it doesn't quite work in my room. ~ karen!
Sherra
I've been ordering groceries online for pick up way before COVID-19 hit, so fortunately I have had time to work out the kinks - such as credit card info. I live in a major metropolitan area so pick up is 2 weeks out these days and so planning is necessary. On one order, they substituted a tiny acorn squash for my desired butternut. "Is that okay?" I was asked. Initially I wanted to explain the differences between the two varieties but instead I said "Yes. Thank you for shopping for me." The answer is Thank you.
Angela D.
Oh, my gosh--- Sherra, you are a beautiful person! Of course the answer is "thank you." I need to follow your example more often. I'll try harder.
Lisamc
Don't know about where you live but here in the Northeast US there is absolutely NO yeast to be found in the stores. So I am told by everyone who has suddenly decided to bake bread.
Why, you might ask, would they call and tell me? I have no idea. Just kidding. I do know why but the story is boring so let's skip it.
Anyway, my sister called from a state over and asked if I had yeast, which of course she knew I did. I threw some in a little 2" x 1" plastic bag (drug dealer style I am only now told), taped the bag flat inside a greeting card and wrote "Hope you enjoy your anthrax! ; ) " Yeah--in hindsight maybe not so smart but, help me out here Karen, it seemed hilariously funny at the time. The US postal system did NOT find it highly amusing.
The envelope did arrive at its destination a few days later but as they say in Victorian novels "not unmolested". The postal service had examined that baby in depth. It was taped back together with stampings (should be a word) and notes all over it. Thankfully, I had written Fleischmann's Instant Yeast on the packet so they didn't have to waste time with a lab analysis.
And now I suppose, I am on some kind of a watch list. Do you think they have a yeast list?
Stay well and Don't put others at risk--buy your yeast in bulk from Sams or Costco or KA from now on....you know who you are.
Mark
Looks pretty easy to make your own yeast... https://www.boredpanda.com/yeast-shortage-life-hack/
Sounds like something Karen should try. I'm sure her post would be funnier. In this time of existential crisis, need more funny.
Jacquie Gariano
I order my yeast from King Authur Flour in Vermont and always have it on hand and can get the type I want to Use. Try that. I warb you the KAF site is addictive for bakers....LOL
Lois
Lisa--that's hysterical.
Deb Wostmann
Yes, yes and yes again. Grocery shopping now is like being chosen as the pledge in the Hunger Games. I don my mask, gloves and grab the hand sanitizer and off I go. Using the order on line and pickup which has improved greatly, but always a week to a week and a half before I can get my items. So far I believe I have spent one gazillion dollars in groceries, but the upside is I can't spend it anywhere else.
Stay well and calm; we'll get through this.
Karen
"being chosen as the pledge in the Hunger Games", lol. Yes! ~ karen!
Mary W
I live with my daughter who goes out once a week to 4 different stores for food. She immediately undresses in garage and deep cleans in the shower before touching anything or anyone. She has a set up in the garage for the groceries. Two tables. On the 'dirty' table, is a disinfectant rag can filled with torn sheets soaking in bleach water and a dirty rag can with used rags waiting for a trip to washer camp. Everything is wiped down with rags and set on 'clean' table. Cereal is removed from it's box with is thrown in garbage since recycle is closed and the clean inner plastic bag is set on clean table. Everything wrapped in plastic is ragged and set on clean table. Designated clean person takes clean stuff inside to be put away. All this while listening to our neighbors in their pool - parties with lots of friends almost every night - kids have on night for all their friends and parents have different night for their friends. She is a nurse! They are laughing and I keep thinking how are they so dumb? Two extremes living right next to each other and our luck, one of us dies while they are playing cards on the pool deck. We can hear them discussing all the latest news about the virus saying it's been around for years. It's all China's fault. We had it last January so we are immune. Wonder who they voted for? Anyway - I really appreciate your post today - we are in it together and just that helps to know. I shopped in late January for a 6 month supply and my daughter laughed then by March she was using my supplies and saying I was so smart. I didn't consider myself hoarding, just preparing and I didn't buy any toilet paper - that's her job. Now she has to shop weekly to buy just enough to last a week. She also thought I was a bit crazy for starting a garden and I really hope your community garden has opened up, Karen. That would be devastating.
Dd51
We haven’t had as much of a problem as you are having, most of our neighbors are over 60, however see people around town not wearing masks, getting to close to each other, etc. And here is what I think to myself; you may have no respect for your own life but I do have respect for mine and my husbands, so I’m not going to interact with you until I have a vaccine in my arm. And because my husband is a doctor and puts his life on the line every time he walks into the hospital, I also think and I am never going to be your friend again. I might smile (at a distance) when I see you sometime in the future but never will I stand beside you, talk to you less than 6 feet apart. Or ever invite you to my home, work on any committee with you again. Which sounds harsh but if you have so little regard for your life or anyone else’s life, I really don’t want or need you in my life, end of discussion. And btw, we have a well established, including but not limited to, my poor husband walking into the house, masked, to his designated bathroom where he goes through a designated check list before he walks out, hopefully decontaminated. And then I totally sterilize that room, wearing a mask and gloves,,,followed by a UVB light that I thoughtful bought during the H1N1 viruses (2009).
So all that to say, what do you want to bet this totally changes grocery buying behavior for at least a year after this all calms down? Also, as a Registered Nurse, I must say: I hope that neighbor who is a nurse takes better care of her patients than she does herself and her family.
**my rant for the day**
Jacquie Gariano
Bravo, well said. With so many people wanting to "reopen" beaches, restraunts, social gatherings, etc. I worry about a rebound of the viris and so many more deaths and illness. Stay away from me and my loved ones. Risk your life if you want, but not mine.
Gerald Dlubala
Yes, same here in the midwest (St Louis, MO) especially the whole losing your time slot when mistakenly not adding in your credit card number 🤷🏻♂️No one sells rice, or yeast, or paper products... Hang in there!