12 New Year’s Resolutions You Can Actually Achieve.

Oh hi!  Happy New Year to you!  A new beginning!  Where we can picture the year before us in the most optimistic way possible.  THIS is the chance we’ve been waiting for to be the absolute best version of ourselves.

 

We will be the VERY best version of ourselves!  We’ll help people and speak Mandarin and wear lipstick!


We will NOT go out without washing our hair for a week because we will better manage our time to allow for things like bathing.

We will NOT eat 14 cookies in a row because we will be health conscious!

We will NOT waste our spare time on Instagram, we will VOLUNTEER!

We will NOT spend all of our money on useless little things we will save up and buy BIG THINGS!

We will be healthy and fit and selfless and have savings accounts!

Basically we will double underline every title in red with a ruler in this adult version of a fresh notebook.

Except we won’t.  We’ll WANT to, but we won’t. The odd one of us will, but mainly we all burn out on resolutions by the middle of January when instead of seeing a year worth of triumphs ahead of us we see a year’s worth of torture.  Seriously. Wash my hair EVERY day?  Are you mad?  Who has time for that???

It is fun to have goals and even more fun to achieve them so maybe this year, I thought, we should all forget about having a goal for the year and instead

Have a Goal for the Month.

Something easy.  Like limiting ourselves to only eating cheeses that start with the letter “C” in September.

I mean that seems doable doesn’t it?

I’m still working out the details but I feel like I could do just about anything for one month don’t you?

And if we just modify the typical resolutions to lose weight, eat clean or volunteer more to something a tiny bit more realistic we might just succeed.

Here is my list of the most common monthly resolutions (modified a tiny bit) that I think we can all accomplish


New Year’s Resolutions You Can Actually Achieve.


January – Be organized!   Change this to just “be”.  So basically just stay alive for January and you’ll hit your goal. 

February – Eat clean! That could mean not eating any processed foods OR it could just mean don’t drink out of the toilet.

March – Learn how to (fill in the blank)!  This is a big one.  People want to expand their horizons and learn how to speak another language or cook or a new hobby.  How ’bout we learn to be satisfied with being mediocre.  

April – Lose weight!  2 options here, reduce your caloric intake by a LOT and be super grumpy orrrr hang around people with the stomach flu.

May –  Be kind!  Alright this one should be relatively easy.  Just don’t give someone the finger when they piss you off on the road. That’s all.  Just don’t do that.  Where they can see it.  If they’re being a real douchebag and you can’t control yourself, give them the secret finger, keeping your hand under your dashboard. And don’t purposely push anyone down a flight of stairs. Accomplish those two things and you’re golden.

June – Volunteer more! I find it’s easiest to volunteer one’s opinion.  On Facebook. With an air of superiority.

July – Some say you should quit smoking but I say you should Increase the amount you smoke.  Smoke every day!  Start with a pork shoulder and work your way up to bacon.  

August – Exercise more. Run!  You can run around the neighbourhood like a sweating loon or run the local poker night. Take your pick.

September – Read more!  A fun way to do this is to read all of the Pulitzer Prize winning books reviews.

October -Help the elderly!  Are you over 25? If you are then you’re elderly to much of the population, so just help yourself to whatever you want.

November – Practice self-care! Quick point here … bubble baths and mindful walks don’t cure anxiety, anti-anxiety drugs do.  Just an FYI for the approaching holiday season.

December – Adopt a pet!  So many pets need good homes! But they’re a lot of work and responsibility and you have to keep them until they die. Plus they’re costly. If you’re O.K. with that head to a shelter.  If this frightens you just put a collar on a ball of lint and drag it around on a leash until the desire passes.


I think you’ll agree we can all achieve these simple little monthly goals. I didn’t even say you had to stay out of jail or anything.

If you’re more of a classic resolutionist feel free to mention any I may have missed in the comments. I hope you all have a very good New Year ahead of you.

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48 Comments

  1. Gael says:

    Great list and I am considering adopting it. Quick question: Where can I find a superior heir for June? Can heirs be rented? Or could I switch out my photo for the photo of a superior heir?

  2. Bev out west says:

    Resolution number x, laugh more! I just did. Great start to 2019 Karen. I’m in.

  3. Cynthia says:

    For constant project doers: before starting a new project, I must, absolutely must, finish the other 3 or is it 4 projects first!!

  4. M J says:

    🎉HAPPY NEW YEAR🎊‼️ When I saw your post I hadn’t realized how much I have missed your blogs, humor & realistic thinking (well sometimes😋). I’m so glad you are back at it ~ WELCOME HOME‼️ Okay, today is January 1, 2019 & on of my resolutions was to ride my indoor recumbent bike & I did…6.9miles‼️ Now there are only 364 more to go🤣 but it’s a good start‼️ I also am going to do my best to get organized but where do I start⁉️ Well, I hope the organizer fairy comes in my sleep & gives me a starting point or maybe she did it while I was sleeping🤞🏼 I opt for the latter‼️

    • Desiree says:

      We have a “folding fairy” at my house. She comes over and folds our clothes if they get left in the dryer. We should also call her the “pup fairy” because she lets the dogs out and hangs out with them a little too. While she’s folding socks that is. So there is hope for you to get an organizer fairy.

  5. TucsonPatty says:

    “…you just put a collar on a ball of lint and drag it around on a leash until the desire passes…”
    This is the only pet I could ever manage. Too funny. When my daughter was wee, she wanted a “something”, so we tied a long red rope into a leash and she dragged it around for a year or so. I had forgotten about that phase.
    My resolution is to stay alive, and help and hope that RBG stays alive. My body parts are falling apart even as we speak!
    Happy New Year!

  6. Marna says:

    Lol! Great list! Happy New Year! 🙂

  7. Bev says:

    Sounds like a plan 😉
    Happy New Year 🙂

  8. Rebecca Holt says:

    I love that you say goals rather than resolutions. The very word resolution, although traditional, equals failure in my brain.
    This year I have three doable goals which I have set the ground work. One of my goals was learning how to use the calendar reminder on my cell. Done! Now I can set up check in dates to help me stay on track. At least that’s my goal.
    So glad I found your blog and website. Who knew searching for how to grow luffa would bring me here.

    • Karen says:

      I’m actually amazed at how many people come here from that luffa sponge post, lol! Seriously it’s how a ton of people get here. 🙂 ~ karen!

    • Nicole says:

      My friends and I were playing a trivia game on NYE, and a question came up about loofah sponges and I got to proudly show off the knowledge I gained here.

  9. judy says:

    From someone very old who will probably exit this life sooner rather than later. My advice (rarely followed myself) is to relax. Breathe deeply a lot-fresh outdoor air if possible. Look at your life (unless it is truly nightmarish) tenderly and be happy right where you are-who you are and what you have. Improvements are great but the status quo can be just fine. You want beauty-look outside your window, not at the mall. I say this because I was always in search of that mysterious epiphany that would take life from boring to sparkles and me from ordinary to something more. Total waste of the precious minutes of life AnyHoo-life is outside with green and living things,blue skies, fluffy white clouds-birds aloft and gardens of flowers. Next time you are at a mall,look at the faces of the seekers – aside from the regular shoppers for needed things-they seem harried and a bit desperate. As the singing philosopher opined “Don’t worry,be happy.”

  10. Bruce Cisco says:

    Too Cute.. I mean creative! 🙂 I was going to say April and June are my favorites but they’re all great!

    Happy New Year!

  11. Carla says:

    Love ❤️ your sarcasm. Always makes me smile 😊 I think we must be related. Lol

  12. Julie says:

    Hilarious,

    Just WHAT I needed to read to pull MYSELF out of the doldrums…Lol Thanks for your insightful, funny, take on life!!!

  13. Christine says:

    That learning part….taxidermy! Have you found a teacher? I live fairly close to your town and l really,really want to do it!

  14. Mary W says:

    I particularly like October! When I next get up, it will be to help myself to several more home made biscotti. And since May is my birth month, I have an addition to make – use your baby finger (for those that don’t deserve the very best) or all fingers (a whole handful). If I didn’t wash my hair everyday, I would look like a bowling ball head with hair painted on! Too fine, so you must have rich thick hair – lucky you.

  15. brenda says:

    Eat Clean! … and don’t let that fluffball I’m dragging around drink out of the toilet either so it doesn’t get the flu and lose any more weight again (we have a year for this – right). And hopefully, we don’t have to keep doing each month once we’re finished with it. Happy 2019.

    convo fades off … cheddar, camembert, chevre … cheese (feta, roquef…

  16. Elaine says:

    Good suggestions. Straight up. I may consider some of those. I hadn’t thought any more self improvement stuff, because, you know, Patsy…

    • trish says:

      awesome quote thank you elaine — patsy rounds out my pantheon of three alongside Tim of Project Runway telling me To Make It Work , “our” Karen admonishing me to Kick Ass it Always. Words to live by — that’s my life sorted. Yeah right 🙂

  17. Lisa says:

    I started reading your post with a bit of apprehension thinking this would be too much, too soon. BUT, I should have known, I’m starting the year with a great laugh, thank you. 2019 will be a great year because I chose for it to be, there are only so many things I can control so those will be great. There will baby steps toward the bigger goals especially with this post in mind. Thank you so much and cheers to a great new year, a very productive garden, and lots of eggs. Keep the posts coming.

  18. Meg says:

    I love the idea of monthly goals!

    I used to give myself a list of things to try each year – focusing on the NO torture types of things that were enumerable. “Try and read 12 books” types of things, that I could fit in and move my schedule around. I like the monthly idea, because you can still start over all the time. And have a new focus. Might have to adopt this! Maybe next year we can post results! haha!

    HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

  19. Jacquie Gariano says:

    Happy New Year to you and thanks for the laughs. I think I could do monthly goals as us suggest. I think Judy’s post is wonderful and so insightful. This year I do have one long term goal…choose to be happy every day.

  20. Renee Ryz says:

    Just BE….too many losses last year puts things in perspective. I came across this in 2017, and I love it:

    Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under the trees on a summer’s day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time.
    John Lubbock

    Wishing all a year of sharing time with those you love, family, friends, a pet, and yourself.

  21. Diane Walters says:

    OMG…you did it again…you made me laugh out loud! My most important goal always is to laugh more often…thanks for aiding me in this endeavor.

  22. Kristi says:

    I’ve decided this will be the year I stop procrastinating. I’m going to start tomorrow…

  23. Angela K says:

    I very seldom flip anyone off, at least by way of a middle finger.
    I live in Oklahoma, so I just “tip them a V” like they do in the UK.
    Bonus: no one knows what it means… as far as they’re concerned, they just think I’m giving them a “peace” sign, albeit backwards!
    I consider it to be less crass that way, lol!
    I will claim “no V for January!”

  24. whitequeen96 says:

    This has got to be one of your best posts, and it’s EXACTLY what I need today! I think I can just about handle January’s goal of staying alive this month. I’m really looking forward to not drinking out of the toilet next month and I’m already working on learning to be satisfied with being mediocre!

    I’ve been following you for years and I’ve got to say that you are truly a blessing! Your blog is like a reward after a long, grueling day. Thank you!

    • Karen says:

      Thanks for saying that Whitequeen. 🙂 I hope you don’t mind that I’m addressing you by the more casual Whitequeen, as opposed to the formal use of Whitequeen96. ~ karen!

  25. Kelly says:

    May will be easy for me. I have been known to flip off douchebag drivers (I reserve it for only the most extreme cases) but it’s usually done in an inconspicuous way because I reside in a state where a large portion of the population is armed. 😁

  26. Beth says:

    Mary, are you suggesting that we flip people off by holding up all fingers? I’m interested in whether or not we can make that catch on as the newest rude gesture! I’m also very interested to see your bowling-ball hairdo!

  27. Ruth Hirsch says:

    “Don’t underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can’t hear, and not bothering.” – Winnie there Pooh

    If a man walks in the woods for love of them half of each day, he is in danger of being regarded as a loafer. But if he spends his days as a speculator, shearing off those woods and making the earth bald before her time, he is deemed an industrious and enterprising citizen.
    You do not need to leave your room. HENRY DAVID THOREAU

    Remain sitting at your table and listen.
    Do not even listen, simply sit and wait.
    Do not even wait, be quite still and solitary.
    The world will freely offer itself to you
    to be unmasked, it has no choice,
    it will roll in ecstasy at your feet. Franz Kafka

    Listen- Just to be is a blessing.
    Just to live is holy. Abraham Joshua Heschel

    And this is the simple truth–that to feel oneself lost–he who accepts it has already begun to find himself, to be on firm ground. Ortega Y Gassett

    I never get lost because I don’t know where I’m going. Zen Master Ikkyu

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