Oh hi! Happy New Year to you! A new beginning! Where we can picture the year before us in the most optimistic way possible. THIS is the chance we’ve been waiting for to be the absolute best version of ourselves.
We will be the VERY best version of ourselves! We’ll help people and speak Mandarin and wear lipstick!
We will NOT go out without washing our hair for a week because we will better manage our time to allow for things like bathing.
We will NOT eat 14 cookies in a row because we will be health conscious!
We will NOT waste our spare time on Instagram, we will VOLUNTEER!
We will NOT spend all of our money on useless little things we will save up and buy BIG THINGS!
We will be healthy and fit and selfless and have savings accounts!
Basically we will double underline every title in red with a ruler in this adult version of a fresh notebook.
Except we won’t. We’ll WANT to, but we won’t. The odd one of us will, but mainly we all burn out on resolutions by the middle of January when instead of seeing a year worth of triumphs ahead of us we see a year’s worth of torture. Seriously. Wash my hair EVERY day? Are you mad? Who has time for that???
It is fun to have goals and even more fun to achieve them so maybe this year, I thought, we should all forget about having a goal for the year and instead
Have a Goal for the Month.
Something easy. Like limiting ourselves to only eating cheeses that start with the letter “C” in September.
I mean that seems doable doesn’t it?
I’m still working out the details but I feel like I could do just about anything for one month don’t you?
And if we just modify the typical resolutions to lose weight, eat clean or volunteer more to something a tiny bit more realistic we might just succeed.
Here is my list of the most common monthly resolutions (modified a tiny bit) that I think we can all accomplish
New Year’s Resolutions You Can Actually Achieve.
January – Be organized! Change this to just “be”. So basically just stay alive for January and you’ll hit your goal.
February – Eat clean! That could mean not eating any processed foods OR it could just mean don’t drink out of the toilet.
March – Learn how to (fill in the blank)! This is a big one. People want to expand their horizons and learn how to speak another language or cook or a new hobby. How ’bout we learn to be satisfied with being mediocre.
April – Lose weight! 2 options here, reduce your caloric intake by a LOT and be super grumpy orrrr hang around people with the stomach flu.
May – Be kind! Alright this one should be relatively easy. Just don’t give someone the finger when they piss you off on the road. That’s all. Just don’t do that. Where they can see it. If they’re being a real douchebag and you can’t control yourself, give them the secret finger, keeping your hand under your dashboard. And don’t purposely push anyone down a flight of stairs. Accomplish those two things and you’re golden.
June – Volunteer more! I find it’s easiest to volunteer one’s opinion. On Facebook. With an air of superiority.
July – Some say you should quit smoking but I say you should Increase the amount you smoke. Smoke every day! Start with a pork shoulder and work your way up to bacon.
August – Exercise more. Run! You can run around the neighbourhood like a sweating loon or run the local poker night. Take your pick.
September – Read more! A fun way to do this is to read all of the Pulitzer Prize winning books reviews.
October -Help the elderly! Are you over 25? If you are then you’re elderly to much of the population, so just help yourself to whatever you want.
November – Practice self-care! Quick point here … bubble baths and mindful walks don’t cure anxiety, anti-anxiety drugs do. Just an FYI for the approaching holiday season.
December – Adopt a pet! So many pets need good homes! But they’re a lot of work and responsibility and you have to keep them until they die. Plus they’re costly. If you’re O.K. with that head to a shelter. If this frightens you just put a collar on a ball of lint and drag it around on a leash until the desire passes.
I think you’ll agree we can all achieve these simple little monthly goals. I didn’t even say you had to stay out of jail or anything.
If you’re more of a classic resolutionist feel free to mention any I may have missed in the comments. I hope you all have a very good New Year ahead of you.
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