Ode to an Ikea Hot Dog
An original poem by Karen. © 2010
Oh, Ikea Hot Dog …
I love your warm and floury bun,
I love the cost from which you come.
I love the paper that is your sheath,
I love the mustard with which you tease.
I love your innards all full of beef,
I love the way you make me sleep.
For after a day of shopping and meals,
I always come home and nap – for reals.
Kleenex anyone? Kleenex? You’d have to have a black, black heart not to have a tear in your eye after that one. Please contact me if you are interested in a live reading of the Ikea hot dog poem. I’m available for University graduation ceremonies, summer camp “spaghetti nights” and cat baptisms.
I’ve been enjoying Ikea hot dogs for years now, but it wasn’t until recently that I was clever enough to go rooting through their garbage to find out what goes into them exactly. After figuring out all of the ingredients (and cross-checking these ingredients casually with the unsuspecting 14 year old behind the hot dog counter) I now have for you the absolute Ikea Hot Dog recipe. Uh, formula? Instructions. Whatever it is, you can now make your very own Ikea Hot Dog at home.
Ikea Hot Dog Ingredients
White Wonder Buns (not the enriched kind), Schneiders All Beef Wieners, Heinz condiments.
Steam your hot dogs in a pot with no lid. They only need to be warmed up really, so 3 or 4 minute should do it. Add your buns to the steamer during the last 15 seconds or so. Open your bun up before you put it in, otherwise the steam will act like a catalyst that turns the white flour into glue making it impossible to open.
The Finished Product
Stick your wiener in a bun and top with the Heinz condiment of your choice. Not French’s mustard … it must be Heinz. Same goes for relish and ketchup. The full effect is truly accomplished if you find you’re able to um … distract the Ikea Hot dog counter person by say, knocking over a tray of swedish meatballs and then grabbing a few of those crinkly paper sleeves when they aren’t looking. Because they’re busy cleaning up meatballs. Or calling security.
I realize that these hot dogs only cost 50 cents, but you never know when an Ikea Hot Dog craving might come. What if it comes at 8 o’clock in the morning when you wake up and your hair’s all messy and you don’t feel like brushing it (which you would have to do if you were to drive to Ikea for your morning hot dog)? What then? Well, you’d be screwed, that’s what.
Now you have all of the tools and instructions you need to make yourself an Ikea Hot Dog any time you want. Watch for my next post on stylish ways to wear the often under-utilized Moo-Moo.