This would be a really good story if it weren't being told through the chattering teeth of a 101 F fever.
I haven't been on a vacation since Betty and my sisters went to Memphis in 1902. I know the year was 1902 because that is what my fever is telling me it was. My fever also told me to have cabbage soup for dinner tonight which was also a little off mark.
The 101 temperature I'm currently seeing the world through is a hitchhiker I picked up during my flight home from Dominican Republic on the weekend. And I couldn't be happier.
Like seriously thrilled. Why? Because during this vacation, the wedding of my niece Halston, almost everyone got sick at the hotel or on the flight home. Every kind of sick - all the sicks. The sick to your stomach ones, the sick to your pants, a couple of genuine medical emergencies and the most entertaining sickness ... the run screaming through the hotel with your clothes off and winky bobbing up and down sicks.
So yeah. I'm happy to be sick right here in my own home. The last time I was sick was in a questionable hotel in Thailand where instead of getting instructions on how to open the windows or adjust the air conditioning, we were giving the instructions on how to operate the electric mosquito zapper that came with every room.
During this trip last week, we were a group of 30 or so people eating and drinking indiscriminately upwards of 17 times a day.
Barfing and the squiggles was bound to happen.
This was also the first time I had ever vacationed at an all inclusive resort where you can literally eat all the bacon you want from morning until night.
On day 3 or so Betty and I had room service breakfast on my balcony. I don't drink so I'm sure the hotel thought they'd save some money on me, but I made up for my lack of alcohol consumption by eating several large plates of bacon with every meal.
Betty, on the other hand, may have done as much damage to the Royalton Bavaro profit margin as COVID.
We all arrived at the resort by bus very late on Sunday and were greeted by my niece and her friend who twerked us in. Like air traffic controllers, but with asses as flashlights.
They had arrived earlier because they travelled on a private plane because they're assholes. Which is fine because while they may have had the luxury of walking out onto the tarmac with a mimosa to board their flight, the rest of had airport experiences that built character.
I'd like to see those jet setters endure a 4 hour flight without any hydration because a warm Coke in a glass the size of an eye washing cup is $8.
I'm just going to say what we're all thinking right now - private jet travellers would never win a thrown down against a budget airline flyer. Not even if they used their diamonds as throwing stars.
I personally noticed 5 passengers on the flight down on my budget airline that contorted themselves in such unique ways to get into their seats that they're currently being scouted by Cirque de Soleil. True story.
The wedding started off as elegant as a wedding could possibly be.
A beach wedding on the Atlantic Ocean. Or Caribbean Sea. Some very large, salty body of water anyway.
K, the fever is ramping up here so I'm going to get straight to the naked fights.
Would you like to save this stuff?
We'll email you this post, so you can refer to it later.
The wedding reception started out just as elegant as the wedding but after 17 blue shots that tasted like liquid Jolly Ranchers, shit started to get real.
Things went from an elegant toast with champagne to arm wrestling the waiters in about 1.5 hours.
I took Betty back to her room at 10 o'clock and returned to the wedding about 15 minutes later. By the time I got back people were naked.
When your inner voice quietly says, walk the other way this is going to be trouble - you never listen to it. Because trouble is fun. And naked trouble is incredibly entertaining.
As is often the case, it was the men who decided that clothing was really slowing down their drinking and fun. So shirts started being thrown to the ground and bottles of water flew through the air.
I don't know why. So don't even ask me.
I kept my dress on. It seemed more ladylike even though I was worried someone might throw up blue electric shots on it and turn it green.
Knowing things could only get worse, I grabbed whatever flowers I could and ran back to my room.
By 11 o'clock that night the groom was running naked through a hotel pool, one girl had a cut that required - but didn't get - stitches and my niece? She was tucked in bed where she would stay for the next 36 hours.
In fact now that I think of it, all of the private plane flyers were bedridden for at least 24 hours after the reception.
The budget airliners?
They were tackling the day and the plates of bacon bright and early the next morning.
No fights took place. But if they had, we all know who would have won.
Did you forget to buy The Advent Calendar?
As anyone who has already paid the $12 for it will tell you, Day 1 alone is worth a guaranteed $200. ;)
Mary W
Sure hope you are feeling finer than frogs hair very soon!
Karen but not that karen
I love your writing…..and all the great knowledge that you pass on via your blogs about doing stuff…..question re the squash blossom necklace- how can you tell a fake from an authentic? Because I have one Very Similar- inherited- probably purchased in Arizona in the 1970’s…..and good for you for grabbing the flowers, they were BEAUTIFUL!
Karen
Hi Karen. A lot of the information comes from the person selling it to you so it's important you trust them. This one was sold to me as a fake. It's a costume jewelry line that was famous at one time (I forget the name now but it's printed on the necklace). So it's pretty easy to tell that it's fake. More commonly what will happen is the origin of the necklace will be exaggerated or lied about. What area it came from, what artist made it, or what turquoise mine was used for the stones, what year it was produced etc. All of those things help determine the value. If your necklace originated in Arizona in the 70's it probably isn't "fake" but an indigenous jewelry expert could help pinpoint it's origin and worth by the style, stones used etc. ~karen!
Tina Gogo
We must be related. I swear that's my family, lol! My BIL came home from Jamaica(our nieces/his daughters wedding) with a broken bone in his neck! Yes he's fine now.
Karen
In his NECK?! ~ karen
Randy P
You look amazing in that yellow frock, if I may make so bold. When the alcohol at a wedding flows like....well....alcohol? All bets are off. As to the Advent calendar, I'm unable to log in to review it cuz I don't know my username and made too many attemts guesing it and am locked out. But I own the calendar, and HEARTILY suggest that anyone who enjoys and follows your blog MUST rush out ( actually click the link) and buy it. NOW! For a paltry $0.50 USD per day you can fill the entire holiday season with warmth, humor and festive delights. Mighty fine deal if you ask me. And gods bless us everyone.
Nono
You looked great, love the dress you wore. We stayed at that resort a few years for a family vacation and it was lovely. And yes, the food was endless and our young adult sons and almost-adult daughter loved the endless flow of alcohol, including the in-room bottles. I believe we had to get a replacement bottle of Brugal after the first day!
Isabelle
Wow, how did I miss your longer hair?! Love it and the dress!
Petra
Hoo baby! Beautiful dress....what is that matching fiery orb in the sky?
And wow your relatives are real party-hardy animals.
Hope your recover super quick.
Karen
Dunno. But it seemed friendly. ~ karen!
Luanne
You look stunning, and the wedding looks beautiful!
Is this hot-yoga-neice?
Karen
No!😆 Hot yoga niece has been married for years. This is Fish Pedicure's oldest daughter. ~ karen!
Elizabeth Anne Weber-Falk
I love a good storytelling and this was a doozy thanks for sharing thanks for making my day better
Christine Hilton
That necklace! Did you buy that from a gal named Nancy? BTW,you can go to Cuba next time and never worry about getting sick! Glad you got away.
Karen but not that karen
I have one VERY SIMILAR- inherited- probably purchased in the 1970’s in Arizona . Probably not from Nancy
Jody
And a fun time was had by all....
Elaine
What a fantastic dress especially with the cloud in behind. I expect this will be a wedding to remember but not in an especially good way. Hope they have many years of happiness ahead (and that everyone including yourself feels better by Christmas).
Karen
It was really fun actually! The wedding portion was picture perfect and the reception was too. For the first 20 minutes or so. ~ karen!
Bambi
That dress! That cloud! You look beautiful with the Pacific (or the Caribbean Sea) as the perfect backdrop! Wonderful Squash Blossom necklace, too.
Karen
Thanks Bambi! That one is actually a fake. I didn't want to risk losing my real Indigenous jewellery on the trip. ~ karen!
Jane
Great dress, Karen! 👍 Sounds like you had such a wonderful time that it's worth getting sick.
Lynn Johanson
Please take care of yourself! Covid is no picnic. My version was like I had horrible hay fever and lost my sense of taste and smell. As I love to cook and eat I was terrified they were gone forever. It took over a month but they came back.
Just think how cheap it would be to be able to eat and not be able to taste the "food". The yucky healthy stuff would go down just fine and sweets wouldn't be a temptation. I'm SOOO glad I got my sweet tooth back.
Take care!
Lynn
PS Love your dress!