An Open love letter to Idris Elba

Sometimes I go through my posts and come across one that even makes me laugh.  This is one such post. I also thought it would be a good way to introduce some of my newer followers to what I went through 8 years ago. Spoiler alert: it was a breakup.  Double spoiler alert: I’ve never been happier and if you’re going through a breakup, believe it or not, you have incredible happiness to look forward to.

idris

originally published in 2013, 3 months after the very sudden end of a 10 year relationship

 

Idris Elba   

Age: 40

Occupation: Actor

 

Dear Idris,

I don’t know if you’ve heard or not, you probably have, but the fella and I have broken up.

So I figure now is the perfect time for you and I to pursue our relationship further (beyond me watching you on The Wire and thinking … yeah … I could probably have a really good relationship with a mid level drug dealer).

I appreciate the fact that you look manlier than I do. That’s kind of a prerequisite.  Even a feminist gal likes to feel like the gal. And since I’m often covered in dirt and wielding a power tool someone like Justin Bieber, for instance,  just wouldn’t do.  Also he’s too young.   Also I just couldn’t be with someone who, according to past photos,  kept losing his shirt until about the age of 24.  How upset little Justin must have been that he kept losing his shirts.  If I were him I’d have questioned my laundry service.

Johnny Depp was on the list for a while because he’s a bit of a weirdo and that appeals to me, but he’s prettier than I am so that’s no good.

Gordon Ramsay was also on the list because he’s manly but he can also cook.  Plus he makes a decent living.  Then I realized I’d never be able to cook anything for him, for fear of being called a f*cking donkey and having all my pots thrown at my head.  Also I have no idea how to make Beef Wellington.

So Idris,  it looks like you’re it.  You’re handsome and manly and you have a good sense of humour. I actually have no idea about your sense of humour but I’m going with the fact that you have a wildly terrific sense of humour.    You crack me up.  Heh.  We’ll be so happy together.  I’ve heard rumours you might be the next James Bond so then I can call you James, which will be a blessing, because I’m not entirely sure of how to pronounce your name. First or last.

I know this would be a long distance relationship, what with you living somewhere else.  Where is it you  live?  I think it might be England.  I’ve always wanted to visit England!  The Union Jack is my favourite flag.  We can go for curries and visit the English countryside.  We will walk dogs.  You will smoke a pipe and I will acquire an English accent by day 3 of my visit just like Madonna did.  We will have such fun walking along stone walls and picking daisies.   If you have time.  You’re probably busy.  I bet you don’t visit the countryside at all.  It’s always work, work, work with you.

Oh yes, I’m sure my moving to England would make things a lot easier for you.  Well you can forget that Mr. Controlling.  Do you have any idea how small the bags of chips are there compared to here? And by chips I mean CHIPS not french fries. See? There’s that too. Oh God. There’s going to be such a language barrier between us.

There is the redeeming fact that chickens outnumber humans in England, but it just isn’t enough to put up with your nonsense.

And just so you know, having a British accent doesn’t automatically make you charming.  You wanna know what’s charming?  YOU deciding what to have for dinner one night for a change.  You don’t even have to MAKE IT. Just come up with the idea. THAT’S CHARMING.

And you can think again if you assume I’m picking out your mother’s Christmas present. It’s your family and YOU can deal with picking out and buying their presents.  She’s not MY mother!!!   I have enough family members of my own to buy for let alone having to remember to buy your niece a grade 8 graduation present.

It’s always me, me, ME doing everything. It’s exhausting. You really should be a bit more considerate of my time and feelings.  No, I’m not a big time movie star like you, but you know what?  I HAVE CHICKENS.  YOU THINK CHICKENS RAISE THEMSELVES?  Plus I have a certain schedule I like to adhere to when it comes to eating and television watching and I can just tell you’re not going to be the least bit accommodating.  Because you’re selfish.

And I’m not entirely positive, but I think you probably snore. You look like a snorer. A loud one. Do you have any idea how nice it is to have an entire bed to yourself with nothing sweating, farting or snoring beside you? Well I do, and let me tell you it’s NICE. You’re such a jackass. You really are starting to bug me.

You think I don’t have my own life to live?   Well I’m putting a stop to this right now.  You’ve become way too demanding over the past few daydreams. I installed my own central vac. I’m independent. And handy. Plus I know how to spell most of my name in sign language. I’m a catch. You need me more than I need you. In fact without me you’ll probably move back in with your mother. So needy.

And I’m sick of it.  You’re suffocating me here.  Honestly.  Just back OFF.

We gave it a good try but this just isn’t going to work out.

Sincerely,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

p.s.  Do you have Daniel Craig’s email address?  Thanks in advance.

 
 

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An Open love letter to Idris Elba

308 Comments

  1. Jerrica says:

    I was so happy to see you on my reader again! It’s good to have you back :)

  2. Marti says:

    …………And we’re back! WITH A ROAR!!!

    dc is married… fancy being the other woman?

  3. monique says:

    you go girl.i have been waiting here in the netherlands for you!! …..-monique

  4. Mondo says:

    oh Karen, you’ve still got it and oh how missed it. it’s fantastic that you’re back on this day of all days. I’ll consider your return a birthday gift to me. and by the by, please send Idris Elba’s sweating, farting, snoring body my way. I will be eternally grateful. thank you and good night.

  5. Meg says:

    Johnny Depp isn’t prettier than you are.
    You are most definitely a catch.
    I am glad to see you writing again, but at the same time I hope you are as well as this post would make us believe. I was heartbroken for you when you wrote your post-fella post, and I know it wasn’t a vacation you just took. Take more time if you need it. Welcome back.

    <3

    • Karen says:

      Meg – Nope. I”m surprisingly well. Of course I still have my moments of insanity but … I’m doing well. ~ karen!

  6. bbie says:

    Welcome back, the world feels better now.

  7. Ashley W says:

    Wow, Karen, just wow. As a girl (woman?) recently forced out of an 8 year relationship I hear you. Loud and clear. A non-sweaty, snoring, talking-in-your-sleep bed is a luxury I didn’t know I was missing!

    You did need me more than I needed you, and you did move back in with your mother. So eff you Idris Elba and good-turned-confused fellas everywhere. We have chickens to raise, and Daniel Craigs to bump into! ;)

    Thanks Karen, as always, for your perfectly relatable writings. And your resilience. And your humour.

  8. Stephanie Hobson says:

    Daniel Craig FTW!

  9. Edith says:

    You crack me up. I only found your blog about a month ago and it is BY FAR my favorite! You are such an adorable, resourceful, smart, and funny gal! Anyone should count themselves lucky to have you in their life. I’m certain that life will have great things in store for you!

    Greetings from Texas

    • Karen says:

      Thanks Edith! Sorry it was a rocky start to this blog for you … I can assure you from here on it it’ll be smooth sailing with posts every day. No more drama. :) ~ karen!

      • Deb J. says:

        Welcome back Karen. Missed you. And drama is okay – just some kinds are better than others. So please don’t promise NO drama:)

    • SAMcClellan says:

      Edith, I’m in Oregon….all my ex’s live in Texas…and there’s not 50 cents difference, up here in in the NW. Men seem to all want women to “neeeed” them. Then you can’t pry them off the couch to do anything. I was considering Canada, as the sense of humor there is outstanding; but, if Karen can’t hang on to one, I doubt I’d be able to, either. I’ve always been, a “just step over ’em” and “get ‘er done!”, type. Patience & waiting are not my forte’. It seems that a need to love and be loved, is plenty needy, enuff, to my notion; but, apparently , not. Oh, well….been single this time, waaay longer than I was ever married or in a relationship; and can’t imagine having all that she described, to put up with again…ever….but, yeah, I might make an exception for a Daniel Craig, myself! ;)

  10. Emma Todd says:

    Prepare yourself for more delurking. Missed your special breed of clever snark. Go buy yourself more expensive sheets and welcome back!! Relurking

  11. jj says:

    Oh mygod. Beer shot out my nose reading this. I love you Karen. That is all.

  12. andrea meyers says:

    Lmfao. Welcome back!!!

  13. Toronto Boy says:

    Karen, you’re “hee-haw-hee-haw” hillarious and you have great taste too! Johnny Depp is one of my favourite actors but lately he’s kind of “boingo boingo” bonkers! A few weeks ago he appeared on the Jimmy Kimmel show and his mannerisms, his attire (whaddup with the cowboy hat Johnny?), and matter of speaking were just plain weird. Gordon Ramsay on the other hand is a class act in a unclassy sort of way! I normally scoff at people using foul language but listening to this guy lob F-bombs in Kitchen Nightmares and Hell’s Kitchen is just too hillarious! His use of crass verbiage is probably why I religiously watch Master Chef in hopes that he’ll serve just one F-bomb on a platter much to the chagrin of the contestants and fellow hosts Joe Bastianich and Graham Elliot. Now with this latest revelation that you’ve got this crush on Idris Elba, you’ve got me wondering whether I’ve missed watching one of HBO’s best shows. Soomeone lent me the box but I’ve yet to watch even one single episode. A quick glance at IMDB’s website, it’s lauded by critics and fans alike scoring a 9.4 by (what the hell?) 104,648 users! Sheesh! I guess next weekend will be resrved for a “season one” episode marathon of “The Wire”! One last thing … good luck snagging Daniel Craig … Since he’s English, he’ll also want you to move to good ol’ England in order to have a cup of tea with him and the Queen! ;)

  14. Kimberley says:

    HELL YEAH!

  15. Yetunde says:

    That was quite hilarious (in a british accent)I de-lurked just to say that. I too, am happy to see you back.

  16. Joel says:

    Welcome back; glad you’re here.

    This is one of the best things I’ve read in a lonnng time. Thank you!

    About 10 years ago I ended up single by surprise. It was not fun at all; but quickly I found that the only thing scarier than being single was being back up in a relationship and losing all that freedom (and not in a douchey guy kind of way; it was just liberating to jump on a motorcycle and decide to keep driving for a week without telling anyone).

    All that is to say, sorry to hear about you and Idris – and congratulations – sounds like you’re better off without him. ;)

    j

    PS I think Daniel Craig would have a whole other list of complications… :)

  17. Pati says:

    Well, it’s about time you dumped that no-good Idris Elba ! I coulda TOLD you he wasn’t for you but did you ASK my opinion before you jumped willy-nilly into another relationship ?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!!!!!!!!

    Oh and it’s so great to have you back…I have sure missed your utter awesomeness !

  18. Denise says:

    He is WAY cute!! Nice choice :)

  19. Brad R says:

    WELCOME BACK, SWEETIE!! Great post ;)

  20. Carol Ann says:

    Bwahahaha! I see what you did there. Brilliant.

    You were missed. Welcome back.

  21. Sara says:

    You’re back. Yippee!!!!!!

  22. Susan preston says:

    Missed you!

  23. hahahahahahahaha!!! I LOVE that you’re back, Karen! I’ve missed you so!

    ♥erin @ lemon-sugar

  24. Deb Miller says:

    Welcome back, Karen! This was SOOOOO worth waiting for! Sounds like you’ve regained your bearings and that you’re ready to get on with the business if being fabulous. Congratulations!!!

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