An Open love letter to Idris Elba

idris

 

 

Idris Elba   

Age: 40

Occupation: Actor

 

Dear Idris,

I don’t know if you’ve heard or not, you probably have, but the fella and I have broken up.

So I figure now is the perfect time for you and I to pursue our relationship further (beyond me watching you on The Wire and thinking … yeah … I could probably have a really good relationship with a mid level drug dealer).

I appreciate the fact that you look manlier than I do. That’s kind of a prerequisite.  Even a feminist gal likes to feel like the gal. And since I’m often covered in dirt and wielding a power tool someone like Justin Bieber, for instance,  just wouldn’t do.  Also he’s too young.  Also he’s a douche bag.  Also I just couldn’t be with someone who obviously keeps losing his shirt.  How upset little Justin must be that he keeps losing his shirts.  If I were him I’d question my laundry service.

Johnny Depp was on the list for a while because he’s a bit of a weirdo and that appeals to me, but he’s prettier than I am so that’s no good.

Gordon Ramsay was also on the list because he’s manly but he can also cook.  Plus he makes a decent living.  Then I realized I’d never be able to cook anything for him, for fear of being called a f*cking donkey and having all my pots thrown at my head.  Also I have no idea how to make Beef Wellington.

So Idris,  it looks like you’re it.  You’re handsome and manly and you have a good sense of humour. I actually have no idea about your sense of humour but I’m going with the fact that you have a wildly terrific sense of humour.    You crack me up.  Heh.  We’ll be so happy together.  I’ve heard rumours you might be the next James Bond so then I can call you James, which will be a blessing, because I’m not entirely sure of how to pronounce your name. First or last.

I know this would be a long distance relationship, what with you living somewhere else.  Where is it you  live?  I think it might be England.  I’ve always wanted to visit England!  The Union Jack is my favourite flag.  We can go for curries and visit the English countryside.  We will walk dogs.  You will smoke a pipe and I will acquire an English accent by day 3 of my visit just like Madonna did.  We will have such fun walking along stone walls and picking daisies.   If you have time.  You’re probably busy.  I bet you don’t visit the countryside at all.  It’s always work, work, work with you.

Oh yes, I’m sure my moving to England would make things a lot easier for you.  Well you can forget that Mr. Controlling.  Do you have any idea how small the bags of chips are there compared to here? And by chips I mean CHIPS not french fries. See? There’s that too. Oh God. There’s going to be such a language barrier between us.

There is the redeeming fact that chickens outnumber humans in England, but it just isn’t enough to put up with your nonsense.

And just so you know, having a British accent doesn’t automatically make you charming.  You wanna know what’s charming?  YOU deciding what to have for dinner one night for a change.  You don’t even have to MAKE IT. Just come up with the idea. THAT’S CHARMING.

And you can think again if you assume I’m picking out your mother’s Christmas present. It’s your family and YOU can deal with picking out and buying their presents.  She’s not MY mother!!!   I have enough family members of my own to buy for let alone having to remember to buy your niece a grade 8 graduation present.

It’s always me, me, ME doing everything. It’s exhausting. You really should be a bit more considerate of my time and feelings.  No, I’m not a big time movie star like you, but you know what?  I HAVE CHICKENS.  YOU THINK CHICKENS RAISE THEMSELVES?  Plus I have a certain schedule I like to adhere to when it comes to eating and television watching and I can just tell you’re not going to be the least bit accommodating.  Because you’re selfish.

And I’m not entirely positive, but I think you probably snore. You look like a snorer. A loud one. Do you have any idea how nice it is to have an entire bed to yourself with nothing sweating, farting or snoring beside you? Well I do, and let me tell you it’s NICE. You’re such a jackass. You really are starting to bug me.

You think I don’t have my own life to live?   Well I’m putting a stop to this right now.  You’ve become way too demanding over the past few daydreams. I installed my own central vac. I’m independent. And handy. Plus I know how to spell most of my name in sign language. I’m a catch. You need me more than I need you. In fact without me you’ll probably move back in with your mother. So needy.

And I’m sick of it.  You’re suffocating me here.  Honestly.  Just back OFF.

We gave it a good try but this just isn’t going to work out.

Sincerely,

signature2

 

 

 

 

 

 

p.s.  Do you have Daniel Craig’s email address?  Thx.

 


287 Comments

  1. Deb Miller says:

    Welcome back, Karen! This was SOOOOO worth waiting for! Sounds like you’ve regained your bearings and that you’re ready to get on with the business if being fabulous. Congratulations!!!

  2. hahahahahahahaha!!! I LOVE that you’re back, Karen! I’ve missed you so!

    ♥erin @ lemon-sugar

  3. Susan preston says:

    Missed you!

  4. Sara says:

    You’re back. Yippee!!!!!!

  5. Carol Ann says:

    Bwahahaha! I see what you did there. Brilliant.

    You were missed. Welcome back.

  6. Brad R says:

    WELCOME BACK, SWEETIE!! Great post 😉

  7. Denise says:

    He is WAY cute!! Nice choice 🙂

  8. Pati says:

    Well, it’s about time you dumped that no-good Idris Elba ! I coulda TOLD you he wasn’t for you but did you ASK my opinion before you jumped willy-nilly into another relationship ?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!!!!!!!!

    Oh and it’s so great to have you back…I have sure missed your utter awesomeness !

  9. Joel says:

    Welcome back; glad you’re here.

    This is one of the best things I’ve read in a lonnng time. Thank you!

    About 10 years ago I ended up single by surprise. It was not fun at all; but quickly I found that the only thing scarier than being single was being back up in a relationship and losing all that freedom (and not in a douchey guy kind of way; it was just liberating to jump on a motorcycle and decide to keep driving for a week without telling anyone).

    All that is to say, sorry to hear about you and Idris – and congratulations – sounds like you’re better off without him. 😉

    j

    PS I think Daniel Craig would have a whole other list of complications… 🙂

  10. Yetunde says:

    That was quite hilarious (in a british accent)I de-lurked just to say that. I too, am happy to see you back.

  11. Kimberley says:

    HELL YEAH!

  12. Toronto Boy says:

    Karen, you’re “hee-haw-hee-haw” hillarious and you have great taste too! Johnny Depp is one of my favourite actors but lately he’s kind of “boingo boingo” bonkers! A few weeks ago he appeared on the Jimmy Kimmel show and his mannerisms, his attire (whaddup with the cowboy hat Johnny?), and matter of speaking were just plain weird. Gordon Ramsay on the other hand is a class act in a unclassy sort of way! I normally scoff at people using foul language but listening to this guy lob F-bombs in Kitchen Nightmares and Hell’s Kitchen is just too hillarious! His use of crass verbiage is probably why I religiously watch Master Chef in hopes that he’ll serve just one F-bomb on a platter much to the chagrin of the contestants and fellow hosts Joe Bastianich and Graham Elliot. Now with this latest revelation that you’ve got this crush on Idris Elba, you’ve got me wondering whether I’ve missed watching one of HBO’s best shows. Soomeone lent me the box but I’ve yet to watch even one single episode. A quick glance at IMDB’s website, it’s lauded by critics and fans alike scoring a 9.4 by (what the hell?) 104,648 users! Sheesh! I guess next weekend will be resrved for a “season one” episode marathon of “The Wire”! One last thing … good luck snagging Daniel Craig … Since he’s English, he’ll also want you to move to good ol’ England in order to have a cup of tea with him and the Queen! 😉

  13. andrea meyers says:

    Lmfao. Welcome back!!!

  14. jj says:

    Oh mygod. Beer shot out my nose reading this. I love you Karen. That is all.

  15. Emma Todd says:

    Prepare yourself for more delurking. Missed your special breed of clever snark. Go buy yourself more expensive sheets and welcome back!! Relurking

  16. Edith says:

    You crack me up. I only found your blog about a month ago and it is BY FAR my favorite! You are such an adorable, resourceful, smart, and funny gal! Anyone should count themselves lucky to have you in their life. I’m certain that life will have great things in store for you!

    Greetings from Texas

    • Karen says:

      Thanks Edith! Sorry it was a rocky start to this blog for you … I can assure you from here on it it’ll be smooth sailing with posts every day. No more drama. 🙂 ~ karen!

      • Deb J. says:

        Welcome back Karen. Missed you. And drama is okay – just some kinds are better than others. So please don’t promise NO drama:)

    • SAMcClellan says:

      Edith, I’m in Oregon….all my ex’s live in Texas…and there’s not 50 cents difference, up here in in the NW. Men seem to all want women to “neeeed” them. Then you can’t pry them off the couch to do anything. I was considering Canada, as the sense of humor there is outstanding; but, if Karen can’t hang on to one, I doubt I’d be able to, either. I’ve always been, a “just step over ’em” and “get ‘er done!”, type. Patience & waiting are not my forte’. It seems that a need to love and be loved, is plenty needy, enuff, to my notion; but, apparently , not. Oh, well….been single this time, waaay longer than I was ever married or in a relationship; and can’t imagine having all that she described, to put up with again…ever….but, yeah, I might make an exception for a Daniel Craig, myself! 😉

  17. Stephanie Hobson says:

    Daniel Craig FTW!

  18. Ashley W says:

    Wow, Karen, just wow. As a girl (woman?) recently forced out of an 8 year relationship I hear you. Loud and clear. A non-sweaty, snoring, talking-in-your-sleep bed is a luxury I didn’t know I was missing!

    You did need me more than I needed you, and you did move back in with your mother. So eff you Idris Elba and good-turned-confused fellas everywhere. We have chickens to raise, and Daniel Craigs to bump into! 😉

    Thanks Karen, as always, for your perfectly relatable writings. And your resilience. And your humour.

  19. bbie says:

    Welcome back, the world feels better now.

  20. Meg says:

    Johnny Depp isn’t prettier than you are.
    You are most definitely a catch.
    I am glad to see you writing again, but at the same time I hope you are as well as this post would make us believe. I was heartbroken for you when you wrote your post-fella post, and I know it wasn’t a vacation you just took. Take more time if you need it. Welcome back.

    <3

    • Karen says:

      Meg – Nope. I”m surprisingly well. Of course I still have my moments of insanity but … I’m doing well. ~ karen!

  21. Mondo says:

    oh Karen, you’ve still got it and oh how missed it. it’s fantastic that you’re back on this day of all days. I’ll consider your return a birthday gift to me. and by the by, please send Idris Elba’s sweating, farting, snoring body my way. I will be eternally grateful. thank you and good night.

  22. monique says:

    you go girl.i have been waiting here in the netherlands for you!! …..-monique

  23. Marti says:

    …………And we’re back! WITH A ROAR!!!

    dc is married… fancy being the other woman?

  24. Jerrica says:

    I was so happy to see you on my reader again! It’s good to have you back 🙂

  25. Akeimi says:

    So funny, I think he’s pretty sexy too but a girls gotta enjoy her space. Good for u!

  26. Therese Bourne says:

    Oh welcome back Karen. I have missed you, and your first post has made me snort – it was so worth the wait. Idris Elba – nice choice, and backed up with Daniel Craig, hmmmm. If you get his email address and it doesn’t work out, let me know. Not sure what my Mr. B would think of that though . . . .

  27. Rhonda SmartyPants says:

    Uh, this is a ‘secret’ post to Daniel Craig so, please, if you’re anyone but Daniel Craig, this post is not to be read by you. Psssst…Daniel, if you should receive an email from the aforementioned fabulously incredible blogger, Karen Bertelsen, please be gentle, take your time and very carefully chose your words in reply. As you can see from the post above, she is returning from a very dark cave where she has been licking her wounds, reasserting her warrior-ness, and will need a few (ahem) trial runs and you may be one of them. If you should meet her – planned or not (is she capable of being a stalker? time will tell…) again, I strongly suggest you be gentle – maintain eye contact and back away to safety, for heavens’ sake – and consider that she is going to land on her feet soon enough, maintain an even more erect posture than she has shown before, and will begin a remodel project the likes of which none of her countless fans have ever imagined. She will do this project with not one, but both of her hands tied behind her back, complete it in a 72-hour period, and use nothing that wasn’t purchased at The Dollar Store. You, Mr. Craig, will not only be completely and utterly blown away by the amazing-ness of this woman, you will wonder what made you walk away from her and then something shiny will catch your dull mind’s attention and you’ll be off again chasing rainbows. Meanwhile, her leagues of fans – most of us being female and, therefore, wildly hormonal – will be watching your every move. Do not – DO NOT – even think about messing with her – you mess with Miss B and you mess with ALL of us. You only think you heard her call out with her chilling, “Bwah-ha-hah-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaaa.” Wait until you hear us in unison (and across several time zones and the Continental Divide and …) as we add our “Bwah-ha-hah-ha-ha’s” in support.

    Good choice for the Comeback Tour, Miss B. I’m impressed, as usual. Idris as #1, Daniel as #2 – not real concerned about #3, but I’m on the edge of my computer chair waiting to find out who is going to be the Clean-up Batter. Lovin’ your teasingly deceptive entrances back into our lives. The Coop Cam was so touching – nice that you let the Girls keep us company. I’m sure they were hoping to help in some way. Nice that you included them. And the eye candy you provided with this post was delicious…ooh, la, la.
    Thank you and good night – thanks to you, my sweet dreams are starring both Idris and Daniel.

  28. Melissa L. says:

    Thank goodness you and Idris didn’t last… my hubs bailed 11 years ago, and I’ve been raising my son – 10 more months til high school graduation and then I’m FREE to live my own life – well, my life with Idris anyway. I know you are handy/frightening with tools and all that, but I think I could take you.
    p.s. Who loves ya baby? WE ALL DO!

  29. Karen says:

    Heck yeah! You got your funny back on! I am so glad, I truly missed it. Keep up the great work. You inspire more than you will ever know.

  30. dana says:

    Missed u so much Karen! Love your blog!

  31. Kate says:

    If you haven’t yet seen this you may well want to watch it before you give up all hope on your love affair with Idris…

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1474684/

    …You’ll take him back. It’s addictive viewing.

    x

    • Karen says:

      Hi Kate – LOL, I’ve seen every episode. Not that that’s all that impressive since the last season only had 4 episodes, I think, LOL. GREAT show. ~ karen!

      • Kate says:

        Yeah…. it’s not too difficult to watch them all in one short Luther marathon is it?!

        Well….. this doesn’t have Iris Elbow in it but it IS very good tv and I know you like a good boxset…… (it is also in French so you get to seem very cultured indeed!)

        http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2521668/

        Don’t tell me……. you’ve already seen it?

  32. LuAnn Agustin says:

    {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Karen}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Do you feel missed? You should. All this love going you way from all over the map…

    • Karen says:

      It is fun LuAnn. People think I “healed” quickly. I haven’t healed. But I am MUCh better. Much in part due to the readers of this site. Thank you. ~ karen!

  33. Nancy B. says:

    Another lurker de-lurking to comment. Been where you are at and it is so nice to have you back. It really does get better and you sound like you are well on the road to recovery. Wish you were here so I could give you a hug. I am so happy to see you posting again.
    P.S. Do share Daniels address! Much Love from California.

  34. Anne C says:

    It’s so good to see you back! To us your readers (thank you), to yourself all the more so (makes me happy). Such a funny, witty, beautiful piece of a letter — karenly, in a word! If he reads it, he might insist. Hope you’re aware of that (^_^).
    Anne
    (a French lurker, who never dares to comment, but had to, this time… Karen is back / she must feel better / she’s so good, as ever!!!)

  35. Hahaha!
    Never heard of that Idris guy (not a movie person!) but you’re better off without him. Daniel Craig is a much better choice.
    Love your take on Gordon!
    Welcome back Karen, you were missed!
    btw, every time I fold a fitted sheet I think of you and send good wishes across the water. I wonder do people (your followers) all over the world do the same? I have a vision of people folding sheets going “never would’ve done it this good if it weren’t for Karen!” in all different accents..including an English (and in my case Irish) one.

    • Denise Leavens says:

      I send prayers of love and healing to Karen every time I make beef broth, chicken broth and darn socks! Every time I make my bed with linen sheets and wear my FABULOUS linen apron I am grateful for her. I bless her name while putting lights in Epsom salts for my Christmas decorating, and grinding my own beef. Oh, yes. This girl gets lots of love and good wishes sent 24/7!

      (I would probably be praising her to the skies if I actually folded my sheets – they get washed, dried and back on the bed!)

  36. Kathy says:

    This is Kathy from Minnesota shedding my insomniatic cloak of anonymity to say hello as well. I hope you had as much fun writing that post as I had reading it. You are awesome, Sweetie.

  37. Jennifer says:

    Karen,
    I want you to know your fucking amazing… I think of you often in hopes for your return with good news. Not sure how u found you hell I’ve never followed anyone’s blog before but I look forward to them, I feel like we’re long time friends. Not even sure where you live…. I’m in Delray Beach Fl but I’m sure if you lived here we’d be bff’s

    Much love and looking forward to having Karen back.

    Jennifer

  38. Sebrah says:

    The lady is back!!
    Proper out loud laughing, just like the old days.
    I did half expect the open letter to just say ‘Marry me’, cause that’s all my letter would have said … dreamy … 🙂

  39. Susan M. says:

    Welcome Back – you have been missed. I’ve enjoyed the chickens these last few weeks but well… it just wasn’t the same.

    P.S. Not only is the Bieb too young, but he always looks like he’s got a diaper full – and who in the heck wants to change that? Eeewwwww!

  40. Dagmar says:

    Dear Karen,
    Missed you so much. So glad that you’re back. Your blogs are so amazing. You are one tough lady-cookie. …and now, good for you: you’ve gone over the dreaded first re-bound. No really, so happy to have you back. :0) Dagmar

  41. Jennifer says:

    This. Was. Perfection. Been thinking about you so much…which seems almost weird considering it’s someone I don’t really “know” …know what I mean? 😉 I worry about your little garden…and your chicken coop…and your reno…I hope you are able to stay there…if that’s what you want. I know you will be fine…but I do worry a bit. xo

    • Karen says:

      Hi Jennifer – Don’t you worry about me. I bought this house myself 16 years ago and I’ll finish off paying the mortgage myself. Not too much longer now. 🙂 This is one of those times where it pays off to be really good with money. ~ karen!

      • Jennifer says:

        OK…this made me so happy….I teared up a bit. I should have known better than to worry….so happy to hear this. Hear, hear to smart, independent women! xo

  42. Amie Mason says:

    Welcome back! You should watch Luther… Mr Elba, I’m having you for dinner! Yummo. xx

  43. Mary says:

    Welcome back Karen.
    Just want to say how sorry I am that your heart got broken.

    • Karen says:

      Thank you Mary. Me too. It’s horrid. But it’s definitely getting better. Time off quickened the healing. ~ karen!

  44. nycRed714 says:

    Hysterical!

  45. jenny says:

    Welcome back, so good to have you back

  46. Debbie J says:

    And, I’d bet that Idris would be the type to always blame you for any thing that would go wrong. Welcome back Karen!

  47. Adrienne says:

    Well done, as always. Onward and upward!

  48. Neil says:

    Sorry to hear about your second break up, so soon after the last. Bad luck.
    Just a few things….
    The English flag is not the union jack, it is the cross of St George. The union flag is the British flag.

    There is no such thing as an English accent, that would be like saying an I’d like an American accent, after all you cannot tell a Texans and a Californian apart can you?

    Chips? Americans love to rename stuff… The English invention ‘crisps’, so called because they are crispy. Americans, for reasons known only to themselves decided to change crisps to chips and then unnecessarily add the word potato to the beginning, only to remove it again colloquially at a later date.

    Chips are also made of potato but are not French or freedom fries. Chips, usually served with battered fish are slices of fresh potato deep fried in oil or animal fat. French fries are tiny imitation chips made with plastic and animal turd I think.

    Sorry if you are Canadian, I can’t tell you apart. 🙂

    *Disclaimer for the uptight reader – although true, this is intended to be a light hearted response.
    Extra smiley for emphasis – 🙂

    • Kat says:

      Hahaha Neil that was hilarious I am glad Karen is back just so I was able to read your comment.

    • Sara says:

      Insight from a Texan, with a Texas accent when it proves useful, the best chips are not made from potatoes. They are made from tortillas and are accompanied by salsa and a margarita. 🙂

    • Marty says:

      glad you clarified at the end I was starting to think you were being a jerk.

  49. Barbara H. says:

    Another delurker signing in. Welcome back!!!!

  50. Karen Duke says:

    I have thought about you EVERY day! I was playing with my chickens (which I got because you got me so excited that I HAD to have them) and thought “It’s August, where IS Karen?” So I’m sending you a big hug to say thank you for coming back! Please do not get an ostrich and tell us all how wonderfully funny and charming they are.

  51. RosieW says:

    Just say what was new in my inbox. First, let out a n audible gasp, then yelled YAY.

    My mantra: “It would take a hell of a man to replace no man.”

    Continue with the healing, gal,
    Rosie

  52. Lynn says:

    A great laugh this Monday morning. Welcome back, Karen! 🙂

  53. Lu says:

    Haaaaaaa! You did well, he was going to be a NIGHTMARE!! Hope i am smelling correctly cant see throught the tears and stuff, so glad you’re back x

  54. Wendy says:

    HELL Yeah! Missed you too… now go build something!

  55. Nancy says:

    Welcome back! So glad to see you have retained your sense of humour 🙂

  56. Elaine says:

    Welcome back. He would make a nice change for Bond.

  57. shawna says:

    welcome back! Oh how I have missed your sense of humour!

  58. Nan Tee says:

    Yay! Karen’s back to brighten my inbox! I have missed you so much and laughed til cereal almost came through my nose. Let us all know how it works out with Daniel. Waiting on tenterhooks… 🙂

  59. Ev says:

    You know, Idris does seem a bit selfish.Let him take care of his own self! The chickens and you will be just fine. And I bet they just love it when you take your midday cup of tea out to them and visit.Hats off Karen. Lots of love, Ev

  60. Welcome back! I have missed my morning cup of comedy. I know you have a anew perspective now for us. Maybe we can live vicariously through your dating exploits!

  61. Ann-Marie says:

    Karen, nicely put, you are amazing!!!!!

  62. Karen Murray says:

    Welcome back. 🙂

  63. Veronica says:

    Great post 😉 Great to see you online. 😀

  64. Mary Kay says:

    SO glad your back Karen – this was great – so missed reading you every morning – you always start my day off right!

  65. annie says:

    You ARE a catch. So glad to have you back <3

  66. Laurie says:

    You are one of the first things I do in the morning. It’s been disconcerting without you!

  67. Cindy G. says:

    Most excellent! And give the chickens a wave hello for me(because I don’t know how easy it is to hug chickens, so a wave is fine)!

  68. Maureen says:

    Excellent. Nice to hear from you.

  69. Ann says:

    Missed you so much. Glad that you are able to return to what you do so well, making me laugh.

    One word. Well, OK 2. Noah Wiley. He’s married, you say? Well, damn.

  70. Johan says:

    I say Idris had it coming Karen! Good on you!

    Based on this it appears as though it may be perfect timing for a remake of ‘Falling Down’, only with a female chicken rancher as the lead! You up for it?! We could maybe convince Daniel Craig to co-star.

    So you are just now realizing Johnny Depp is weird? Seriously?

    What’s up with the clever theme?

    This is funny stuff Karen, thanks!

  71. paula says:

    yay!! you’re back…and so worth the wait 😉

  72. Kristin says:

    I’m so happy you’re back…..and I don’t know how to pronounce his name (Idris) either. By the way Daniel Craig is married to Rachel Weisz…. so maybe you should go for Ian Somerhalder….I know he’s young but it worked for Demi and Ashton….at least for a little while…..lol

  73. This is absolutely hilarious! And so relate-able…

  74. mayr says:

    Perfecto! And hilarious. That is some good humored moving on. Brava!

  75. Kathy says:

    Yet another lurker who’s really glad you’re back! And with a genius return. Hooray for that sense of humor!

  76. Vanessa M says:

    Great start to my day…a photo of Idris Elba and hilarious commentary from you. Welcome back, Phoenix!

  77. Melissa Leach says:

    Woohoo, you’re back and better than ever. Thanks for being you 🙂 Loved the chicken cam.

  78. christine says:

    Two very good choices there; Idris and Daniel. Sigh.

  79. Soodsameseeds says:

    You know the song “You Are My Sunshine”? Well you are that and so much more after reading this long-awaited post. You bring such joy to our collective hearts, Karen, that it’s been a dreary period without you. I have never posted anywhere before and I’m miles away from home with a heavy heart as Mom died–and at 65 I’m not ready to take on the task of being the wisdom-bearer. But reading your post today filled me with optimism and hope. Bless you for being exactly who you are–I treasure your uniqueness, and thank you for giving me a reminder of how resilient we all can be. You are loved, dear heart.

    • Karen says:

      I’m so sorry about your mother. I can’t imagine my post could have helped at all but if it did, I’m glad. ~ karen!

  80. J9 says:

    Welcome back Karen! Thanks for the intro to Idris…

  81. Jane says:

    What a welcome sight this morning! Missed you & so glad to hear the house is yours! You go girl!!!

  82. Tracy says:

    Welcome back, Karen! You were truly missed:-)

  83. Lynn Noone says:

    Ken,
    I am an old woman (70), I’m not clever or funny, so I don’t ever respond to bloggers, BUT….Rhonda SmartyPants at 2:51 this morning, said everything for me!!!!!
    When you made your “announcement”, a huge sword of pain went thru my chest…been there, done that. I finally found Mr Right, when I came to the conclusion that he needed ME a lot more than I needed him!
    You are awesome, Karen! Welcome back!

  84. Lynn Noone says:

    Ken? Where did that come from?? Fat Fingers on Keyboard!

  85. Lindi says:

    I know that felt good. It’s not you, you know. Men can be asses…for the most part. Welcome back.

  86. korrine says:

    *High kick!* Karen’s back!

  87. Brie says:

    I’m so happy you’re back!! So, I was actually thinking about you yesterday…. quite simply because it was the best time of the year. No, not Christmas, but the annual IKEA catalogue made it’s way into my mailbox. I was joyously flipping through, when I came upon their bedding section. IKEA NOW HAS LINEN SHEETS AND DUVETS!!!!!!!! I know it’s most certainly not the same as the fine linen you are accustomed to, but THIS may be something I can finally afford! Oh happy, joyous day! Go check it out, and get an awesome hot dog or 5 🙂

  88. Margaret says:

    Your relationship with Idris doesn’t have to end! Watch Luther!

  89. Erika says:

    Yay! You’re back and off to a roaring start! We missed ya girl!

  90. Maria says:

    Sorry, gotta go pee from laughing so much! 🙂 Welcome back Karen, we sure missed you!

  91. Sherri says:

    Welcome back from the dark side of the moon. I had faith that you would be able to make the perilous with your sense of self and humor intact. You have!

  92. Sherri says:

    Uh…that would be “perilous journey”. (Damned iPad can’ read my mind yet!)

  93. Theresa says:

    Welcome HOME 🙂

  94. Keelea L says:

    1. Why, oh why, would you ever call him anything other than Stringer Bell?
    2. Keep your little do-it-yourselfing Canadian paws off my man.
    3. Welcome back…just love ya..didn’t know how to start my days with ya.

  95. qtpuh2tme says:

    Oh how I wish I had your sense of humor! ‘Cause I’d have just stuck a rubber hose up his nose (all the way out his arse!) and I’d now be sitting in some hoosegow awaiting trial.

    Welcome back! You are worth waiting for! ~:)

  96. Tigersmom says:

    There’s our girl!

    I know this post was cathartic. Most of us have written similar, most probably less humorous letters (even if just in our heads), but few of us get to post them for all to see. I’m only a tad envious as I would have loved to have had the nerve to let a few of the nice-guys-turned-turds know I had been knocked down but was, by no means, out.

    You’ll end up better and stronger ’cause that’s just how you/we roll.

    So good to have you back full-time.

    Still clicking ads for you….while daydreaming about how to steal Daniel Craig from you and that Rachel woman. Sorry, but he is smokin’ hot. ; )

  97. Wendy W says:

    I can’t think of anything witty to say that hasn’t been said before, so all I’ll say is WELCOME BACK! And ditto to all the posts before mine. xo

  98. So happy to see your post in my inbox this morning! Good morning and welcome back!

  99. Niki says:

    Won’t you drop a load of chicken turds when Idris calls you to kiss and make up? (You broke up just for the make up sex didn’t you). GLAD you’re back!!

  100. Katie C says:

    OMG, Karen, while you were gone I realized that I need you more than you need me! But, I will survive. (I know this cuz Gloria Gaynor told me so)

    Welcome back, Welcome back, Welcome back. 😀

  101. Pate says:

    Holy crap but we are all happy you are back. So sorry for your recent heartaches. His loss.

    Yes IA is like a like a god and with his lovely accent he is most certainly one.

    IDRIS. = think Sigmond Watercriss

    “ID RISS”

    Rock on baby girl!
    Xxxxxxxxxxx

    Pate
    Guilford, CT

  102. Thera says:

    Good to see you back!
    How about Matt Damon? A touch younger, but cougars are hip these days LOL!

  103. Allison says:

    Delurking. . . YAY YOU ARE BACK!!!! Lots of love from Texas! . . .Relurking.

  104. Angel in Alabama says:

    Welcome back Karen. The net was not very entertaining without you. Keep being yourself…because you’re fabulous.

  105. Marilyn says:

    Missed you Karen, welcome back. Life does go on!!

  106. There are so many choices…I say play with as many as you can (always observing safe practices), and if that gets boring, consider the gigolo route.

  107. Eric says:

    Welcome back! You’ve been sorely missed! I didn’t know what to do while I was drinking my coffee without your posts!

  108. Kathleen says:

    Dear Karen,
    You are hilariously funny. I just recently found your blog, which I enjoy immensely. I shed some tears for your break-up (I went through one 11 years ago…life is DEFINITELY better now.) I wish you much peace in your fart-free, sweat-free bed…I am not sure Idris or Daniel are worthy of you!

  109. Gabrielle says:

    Hey, Idris, if you are still reading? Can you tell Omar that I would like to hook up? Thx.

  110. gogothrift@etsy.com says:

    Missed you!!! I almost squealed when I saw you in my inbox. Ok, I did squeal.
    All is right with the blog world now.

  111. chris says:

    so glad you’re back, and in fine style, too! thanks for a great laugh!!

  112. Edwina says:

    I am so glad to see you back blogging. You have been missed!

  113. Marion says:

    Brilliant, so happy you’re back!!! My mornings haven’t been the same without you (although in your absence I made my hubby watch the chicken cam with me a few nights!).

  114. Barb says:

    Welcome back Karen!

    xoxox

  115. Terri says:

    Awesome to have you back! Yuuoooooo installed your own central vac? GEEEZE……YOU GO GIRL!

  116. Jan says:

    Oh yeah!! This is definitely a post worth de-lurking for. I’m so glad you’re back, and with your original sense of humor not only intact, but thriving!

    And I know I’m not the first to say that it’s clear that The Fella doesn’t deserve you anyway…hope all he took with him was his toothbrush!

    “Suck a jackass”? As a very wise woman once wrote “I’m not entirely positive, but I think” (hope) that may be a typo?

    Love to you aallllllll the way from the triple-digit land of TX.

  117. KimC says:

    Welcome back.:-) Can I send you a virtual high five? That was a frikkin’ hilarious post and that’s why we love you so much Karen!!!<3

  118. JF says:

    yay! welcome back, Karen — good luck with DC, just keep yer dirty paws off Clive Owen — he’s mine, mine, mine (sorta)

    XOX
    JF

  119. Glenda says:

    Back and calling the Biebs a d.b. Ah, Karen, love you, missed you.

  120. ruth says:

    Oh so happy to see you back! As always, you are an inspiration!

  121. Eric says:

    Welcome back! You were missed. Even as a man, I can definitely agree that Idris and Daniel are two very handsome men, great choices!

    Also, as a man, I do have to geek out and say it would be really awesome if Idris had the same powers of his character in Thor. That way he could teleport you anywhere you’d like!

  122. Theresa says:

    Welcome back!!!! Oh how Ive missed my morning dose of Karen wit. 🙂

  123. Leanne says:

    Yay! You are back! And I want to say “better than ever” but I’m not going to. Because you have always been the best. Idris didn’t give it and Idris can’t take it away. 😉 You (my in my mind friend even though we don’t know each other at all) are hilarious. We all love you and I am SO GLAD you are back! Suck it Fel… er Idris. 😛

  124. Lori says:

    Now that was just hilarious. Love it…..so glad you’re back!!

  125. Nanette says:

    Psst…. How about Jeffrey Dean Morgan??? Have you seen Magic City??? Oh yeah, get some of that!! Could ya send me Daniel Craig’s email when you’ve tired of him? Welcome back!

  126. Nancy says:

    Best. Monday. Wakeup. Ever!
    Well done Karen and welcome back.

  127. toekneetoni says:

    Karen, you have such great taste! So glad to hear your voice again! You were sorely missed.

  128. shauna says:

    Karen, you bring laughs to so many with your blog. This song gave me an “out-loud-laugh” after a life disaster made me wonder if I had any laughs left in me. I think you will like it. And I’d like to return the favour.
    Besides it has the longest song title in the world (99 words).
    http://youtu.be/8_6XMqcEqiI

    Christine Lavin – also check out “Good thing he can’t read my mind”…

  129. Miia says:

    Better then ever!

  130. Brenda says:

    Welcome back…I missed reading your posts. An intact sense of humor assures a full-recovery at some point; maybe not today, maybe not next week, but you are well on your way. You might not be able to hear us, but we’re all LOLing at your post. Think of it like Tinkerbell’s recovery…but instead of clapping, we’re all laughing you back to healed heart. “Laugh if you believe!”

  131. Jeannie says:

    Welcome back Sweet Pea!

  132. Dee says:

    Welcome back, Karen. I missed you, we all missed you! Mornings haven’t been the same without you. Life is good…

  133. Auntiepatch says:

    My morning is just not complete until I read your blog! Welcome back!

  134. Bobbi says:

    Glad you are back.
    Wishing you continued healing and sending all the virtual support I can muster.
    And hugs, of course, if you like hugs. If not, well, hugging myself.

  135. Kat says:

    Welcome back Karen this is short and sweet but my dog just farted and I have to leave the room because it stinks in here!

  136. jan says:

    De-lurker just imagining a life after Karen…”What’da mean you want a new vacuum-just install your own central vac!”

  137. Tres says:

    I’m so glad that you are back! You special brand of insanity helps to brighten my day.

  138. June says:

    Also a lurker. Thank you for the many laughs, fabulous recipes and encouragement to do my own projects that you have given me. Is it weird to say that I was concerned for you and prayed for you during your downtime? Blessings on you as you continue to recover!

    • Karen says:

      Thanks June. I felt every bit of support from every part of the globe. Even though this has been a HUGE life change and shock I’ve been able to get through the worst of it fairly quickly because of that. ~ karen!

  139. Jacqueline says:

    Well, given that today will be forever remembered as the day of your grand return, I think the words of Idris Elba from that great film “Pacific Rim” (don’t judge, I have a 12 year old son) are appropriate: “Today, we are cancelling the Apocalypse!”

  140. Susan says:

    See? I TOLD you we’d all be here, waiting, when you got back. Maybe NOW you’ll believe me!

  141. Sia says:

    Omg… I love you. I love your funnies.
    Welcome back!!! I really really wonder if you realize what kind of impact you have on our mood…
    And I find it extremely disturbing that we both have Johnny Depp and Gordon Ramsay on the same list. You are one weird woman!

    To many more laughs miss Karen!

  142. nancy w says:

    Yet another de-lurking….just last night I was thinking about how I missed you.
    Glad you are back, thanks for the morning wake up laugh!

  143. Janet says:

    Thank Goodness you are back! I so missed my morning wake-up. And I can finally quit pacing. I’ve worn out at least 3 pair of shoes since you took a much needed, healing break. I’ll pray you continue to mend…and I can finally open my full of boring, empty, email again and think, …THIS is why have this”. You are thought the world of by all of us. Thanks for the comeback. You Rock!

  144. kate-v says:

    ah, there you are! To all those great “Welcome back!” comments that precede me, I add my own. It’s good to ‘read’ your voice again; your blog became a constant with me. I’m delighted to know you are ‘on’ again in the morning and wish you all the best going forward.

  145. Cheryl says:

    It’s raining and chilly in my neck of the woods but THIS just warmed me with layouts laughter!!! You ROCK!

  146. Laura says:

    You are so awesome and avant-garde, I’m pretty sure the verb “de-lurk” will be traced back to your site! You bring these things out in us. All over the world women are busting out and busting up over today’s post. Cheers.! Just keep eating your veggies and all will be well….

  147. Allison says:

    WeLcOme BAck!! Chica!~ You were missed !!

  148. SarahK says:

    Karen! De-lurking as well here- SO GLAD YOU ARE BACK! You’ve been missed.

  149. Jodi T. says:

    Welcome back, Karen!!! I missed your blog posts so much!

  150. Leona says:

    Thank GAWD! I love chickens, I have chickens (Thanks to YOU!) Butt (pun intended) I was getting a bit put off by all the chicken mooning on your cam. Seriously, girls have some pride!

    I so do not agree that Johnny Depp is prettier than you but doubt you could hook up since he’s been stalking ME for years. Embarrassing really… (Le sigh) Can you believe the cops would NOT take my restraining order seriously???

    So, glad to see you’re making good choices. 😉

    Welcome Back, Chica!

  151. Barbie says:

    I was also so excited to see you in my inbox this morning! Welcome back! You have been on my mind….I have enjoyed reading all these responses before mine! You are loved.
    Enjoy the bed all to yourself and the luxury of being the boss of your own bedtime and when the light goes out (or if it never goes out because you fell asleep reading) and whether the widow should be open or shut and what temp the furnace should be set at! I could go on but you get what I mean. There are just certain things about the single life that are very nice. Love you to pieces Karen!

  152. Welcome Back! Inspiring as always – plus, hilarious. I’ve been using your archives, while awaiting your return, to up the DIY quotient around my place as part of a new initiative (see web link to my family’s modest little blog.) Looking forward to your bright and funny future!
    Rebecca
    http://thehomeplanetproject.worpress.com

  153. Claudine says:

    Welcome Back!!

  154. Maureen Locke says:

    So very glad that you’re back Karen. Now my inbox will look right again.. you and Garfield, helping me start my day with a smile.
    Recovery is rough and can take a long long time but we’re here for you when or if you need us. I would think just reading these posts has helped a lot in your healing. 🙂
    Embrace your new freedom, it can be a wonderful thing. Been there, done that and thankfully met my soulmate. The best thing my ex ever did for me was leave me. I can say that now…. not so much all those years ago. Hang in there girlie, I’m so looking forward to what you have in store for us. xo

  155. Rondina says:

    Well, I see what happens when I don’t go directly to email at 5 a.m. It takes ten minutes to get to the bottom of comments proving our love for you and/or your chickens. I should tell you though that the one in bed making all that noise could still be there.
    : )

    And thank you for the Chicken Cam while you took a break. We missed you.

  156. Sera says:

    Yay! You’re back! Healing takes time, but I’m so glad you’ve found your voice to share with us in the meantime. I’ve mussed you tons!

  157. Connie Hanna says:

    Welcome back, Karen. You were missed!

  158. Debbie says:

    Welcome back! I was just thinking about you the other day while I was eating a hotdog at IKEA in Toronto. I always wonder if I’ll run into you there, haha. Totally unrelated to anything, do you ever notice how many readers you have named “Debbie”? It always seems like a lot from the comments. Weird.

  159. marilyn says:

    able was i ere i saw elba…lol good to have you back karen..xo

  160. Wendy says:

    Karen, you crack me up – so good to have you back again! Keep smiling and if you can’t smile, have a bevvy or two – either way, you win!

  161. Amy in StL says:

    Welcome back! It seems like you dodged a bullet with Idris whatshisname. He just seemed too all up in your grill – give a girl some space would ya? Also, welcome to the “I get the whole bed” club. It’s comfy here.

  162. Tammy S says:

    I never comment, but I will say that I am glad you are back here.
    Just keep breathing, sounds silly but sometimes whenever you are going through any stupid, crappy, painful, @$%# stuff in your life, it’s probably the best advice I have gotten!

    Thanks for all of the chuckles – here’s to loads more!

  163. Kate says:

    Welcome back, Karen! You were sure missed.

  164. Jen says:

    Thanks.

    I needed that.

    BTW…..

    Any thoughts on how to DIY a roof/flashing repair on a house I own on the OTHER side of the continent without me actually being there??

    Thanks.

  165. Nancy Carr says:

    You are so awesome. Not many men out there worthy of our great and wonderful lives and sharing our lives with them. I am still considering Johnny Depp and hoping he could love an older and much wiser woman who would give him lots and lots of space. Thought about dating someone last year until he did not like my dogs. My dogs were there before him and have been here long after him. No man comes before my dogs! Blessings! Have a wonderful life!

  166. Lori says:

    Hey Karen,

    So glad to see your post!

    As soon as I read the age of ol’ Idris, I cringed. 40? No way, man! My husband had that same hideous mid-life crisis at 40 and went ape-shit. Eight months later I’m actually grateful, but I’ll be steering clear of that age cohort for sure.

    Other than that, I think you’re great. Nothing else to add. 🙂

  167. KarenJ says:

    Look at that! 193 comments (so far) and you’re not even giving something away!
    Welcome back Karen.
    You’re a celebrity (Canadian style:)

  168. What an incredible healing post! Way to go girl, and I am glad to see you back with a bang!! really missed you. Cheers xoxo

  169. Michelle Z says:

    I completely understand that public figures/entertainers have a right to privacy and don’t owe anyone anything, but the world seems to make a little more sense again with you back. I’m glad you’re doing well. This post is awesome, except Johnny Depp, although very pretty, is definitely not prettier than you.

  170. Jennifer says:

    Hooray! You’re back! I’ve missed you. Your chickens are nice, but they’re not as enjoyable as you are. I’ve never posted before. That’s how glad I am you’re back.

  171. Shauna says:

    It’s just so nice to have you back. My co-worker is wondering why I’m having such a good laugh.

  172. Stephanie says:

    So happy you are back! Sorry the Fella took off on you; that kind of nasty surprise is so awful, (been there and hope never again). It’s a good sign that you’re snarking your way back to blogland. Enjoy having the bed and house to yourself while it lasts.

  173. Laura Bee says:

    As my almost three year old says – “You . make . me . . laugh!”
    Hubby wanted to buy me the house next door because I snore. He sweats, makes weird noises & grinds his teeth sometimes & we both fart! I envy your bed – I don’t envy what you have been through these past few weeks. So happy you are back & feeling better.
    I know there’s lots more laughter ahead. xxoo

  174. karol says:

    Atta girl… my mornings will be right again. First thing I do is type “T” in my URL and up pops The Art of Doing Stuff, just like it’s supposed to. Welcome back. Glad to see you again.

  175. Amy says:

    Karen if you have to watch LUTHER on NETFLIX!! Idris is amazing & of course gorgeous!

  176. I am sooo glad you are back Karen!
    I get into lot of trouble when I don’t have anything to read.

  177. Marty says:

    Clever voice from within

  178. Nancy Blue Moon says:

    YEAH!..WHAT SHE SAID!..JUST CAUSE YOUR BIG AND MUSCLY AND HAIRY DON’T MEAN SHIT..SO IS AN APE BUT SHE DON’T WANT TO SLEEP WITH ONE..AND YA KNOW WHAT???..YOU MIGHT HAVE THE MUSCLES..BUT SHE’S GOT THE BRAINS..NO WAIT..SHE’S GOT THE MUSCLES TOO..ONLY SHE USES THEM FOR MORE THAN JUST LOOKING PRETTY..AND TODAY SHE LOOKS MIGHTY BEAUTIFUL TO ME..I AM SO PROUD OF YOU GIRLFRIEND!!

  179. Linda says:

    I don’t know, Karen. Johnny Depp sleeping anywhere in my house, snoring or not, might be worth trying to tolerate his body. .oops face for at least a weekend.

    SHE’s Back in the Saddle Again! So glad.

  180. pdperrich says:

    You think he’s good in The Wire – you’ve gotta watch Luther. OMG. I, too, am glad to see you back. You’ve got a ton of supports; feel our good vibes.

  181. Claire says:

    BAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!
    Oh how I have missed you! (and I mean that in the least stalker-like sounding way possible!)
    🙂 keep on keeping on and all that crap! xox

  182. kimba says:

    Holy moly – SO great to see you posting again! Yes – first time writer, kinda short time reader. Had just started reading your blog (the only one to which I’ve ever subscribed, thanks to your fabby DIY tabletop fireplace thingie on Pinterest…) about a month before the fella lost his freaking mind and left. OMG-what a complete idiot… Anyway, I can kind of relate to what you’ve been going through with being on your own-I’ve been divorced almost 3 years (my choice), and appreciate no snoring, no “dutch oven” gag-inducing, “omg, what the hell crawled up your ass and DIED” farts under the sheets… Thanks so much for your posts and helpful hints – I agree with so many of the other posts – you are a rockstar, and, if we lived close to each other, we could have one HELL of a time…i know where ALL the dollar stores are and have a looong list of renovations I’d like to do… 🙂

  183. Lynn says:

    Nice.
    Welcome back souljah!
    🙂

  184. Bette says:

    WELCOME BACK! that was too funny! This reminds me of the letter I wrote to Jon Bon Jovi back in late ’80’s when he married Dorothea. I ended my letter telling him that he had just made the biggest mistake of his life marrying her and not waiting for me. I was in highschool at the time and had just broken up with someone and my friends dared me to send the letter to make me laugh. And I did. It’s part of the healing process.

  185. Sue From Vermont says:

    Karen, I wish you well. Now is the time to take the best care of yourself. We all care about you so much. Please let us know what we can do for you.

  186. Karen B says:

    Life is so much easier as a single person! Welcome back Karen!

  187. Kari says:

    Also de-lurking, haha. I’m glad you’re back! Recently found your blog searching Paleo/gluten free stuff. I’ve been on a Paleo-ish diet for about 4 months and laughed SO MUCH at your perspective. You’re hilarious! I’ll get back to lurking…while eating my new favorites, cauliflower with a side of cauliflower and for dessert maybe cauliflower in some totally unnatural form, like “cake”. 😀

  188. Maryanne says:

    Clink clink, just toasted your return with a glass of wine to the laptop! So glad your back!

  189. Sara says:

    Welcome back!

  190. Helana says:

    Welcome back Karen.

  191. Nicole says:

    Karen, we’ve all missed you! You are the best. Welcome back! You’re better off without Idris.

  192. taria says:

    woohoo she’s back. keep moving forward is my motto these days. be well.

  193. kerry says:

    That was awesome! Keep it up, helps me remember why I’m single! And yay for chickens!

  194. Rondina says:

    Karen, I’m glad your back and from the looks of it, I should have read your post when I got up this morning. Talk about comments. There is one thing you should be aware of. Those noises in your bed may still be there.

  195. Melissa says:

    I want to welcome you back in a witty fashion… but it’s clear I should leave the witty to you. Welcome back, Karen!

  196. June Tang says:

    Karen!

    It’s great having you back.

    This post was hilarious!

    Looking forward to reading more.

  197. Jen says:

    You just made my day. Make that the next three days.
    Welcome back, the Internet has not been the same without you + your delightful snarkiness.

  198. Jeann Gardner says:

    Welcome back. Missed you and your quirky take on life and chickens. I want to see the hen house decorated for the holidays this year.

  199. JennB says:

    I’ve missed your posts VERY much, esp since I am now a FORMER neighbour, and have moved back to the wilds of Alberta. Hated hearing your first news, thrilled to see the strong, awesome incredibly hilarious post from today. Love you, and your chickens ~ ( did you hear we’re getting some?? ) take care; xoxo

  200. Ann says:

    Have missed you muchos. No wonder I’ve been sad and droopy – no Karen. Welcome back and hang in there – you have lots of friends in your court.

  201. danni says:

    How is it that you only know Idris Elba from “The Wire” (american) and I only know him as Luther (which is british)? It’s a twisted world, Karen, but welcome back to it all the same.

    • Karen says:

      danni – LOL. everyone keeps telling me about Luther. I love Luther! I’ve seen every episode including the last. He’s also in the American show The Big C by the way! Just a few episodes. ~ karen!

  202. Maggie says:

    So glad to see you and your hilarious self are back!

  203. KiwiKat says:

    Have you heard of Elaine Figgis? You could be a best buddy of hers – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4AgzQvFNZs – WELCOME BACK!!!

  204. Nomes says:

    Watch ‘Luther’. Idris stars in all three mini seasons.

  205. Debbie says:

    One word came to mind when reading this entertaining post: BRILLIANT!!! You are very talented. And I am so glad to see that Karen has her groove back. :)Looking forward to reading you daily.

  206. There you are! Welcome back, Karen. Fan-laughing-tastic post!!

  207. EmilyB says:

    You, my dear, are obviously a bright spot for many. And I’m a lurker too who just wanted to expose myself enough to let you know that the first post I ever read of yours was when ‘the fella’ hurt his foot and you realized he had ‘salad bowl head syndrome’ . Which was my first thought when you said he was gone. You nailed it then and obviously the syndrome is a chronic condition—cause there must be nothing in that brain at all. Granted I don’t know him personally, but when someone can bring smiles to the entire planet, he should have appreciated it as a very rare thing indeed. But I do feel bad for ‘the fella’s’ father . He obviously has a lot of affection for you. And he must feel so sad to see his son afflicted with ‘salad bowl head syndrome.’ I missed ya.

    • Karen says:

      Hi Emily – Thanks for de-lurking. The fella’s father and I still speak and yes, he feels terribly about all of this. ~ karen!

  208. Jeannie B says:

    Thanks for coming back Karen.You have a really big following, standing at your “virtual”” door, patiently awaiting for your return. I’m at the end of the line.

  209. Fritzy Dean says:

    Karen, I don’t have a Brit accent, but I de-lurked to say “Brava! ” So hilariously written. I am certain that big nostrils equals =loud snores + smelly farts + sweating on my clean sheets! Why?

    Karen said so.

    I join everyone is saying “welcome back” …….this gave me the BIGGEST grin, giggle and guffaw I have had since you left us.

  210. kelliblue says:

    There. Do you feel better now? 🙂

    WELCOME BACK KAREN! SO glad to see you’ve landed on your feet…as we all knew you would! (because hey, you can do everything!) You were very much missed, and the web world was just a whole lot boringer without you.

    And if Idris or some other wonderful guy doesn’t see what a true gem you are, then he’s just a big ol’ chicken pluckin’ ass hat. So there. *HUGS!*

  211. Patti says:

    I laughed til I cried! Your sense of humor is priceless!!! I was needing a good laugh. So nice to be receiving your posts again.

  212. Lesley Williamson says:

    Welcome back, Karen. Missed you. And yes, Justin Bieber is a douchebag, as everyone over the age of 17 recognizes. Why is he always wearing his pants at half mast?

    But OMG Idris Elba. SO SO gorgeous! And the voice, and the accent. Have you seen him in Luther? British TV series set in London. He’s so delicious in Luther that sometimes I stop breathing while watching.

  213. Jill says:

    Also a long-time lurker here unlurking (delurking?) long enough to say, YOU ARE SO FREAKING AWESOME. Take your time, do whatever you need, we’ll be here when you get back.

    I think of you and that fire pit every time I’m near any planters. It’s been years and I’ve yet to find a square metal planter. But it will be mine! IT WILL BE MINE! (shaking fist in air)

    Anyway, thanks for everything.

    • Karen says:

      Hi Jill. LOL. I’m *am* back. I was off for a few weeks and it did me a whole lotta good. I got better MUCH faster because of it. ~ karen!

  214. Dana says:

    All I can say is that was THE best comeback from your time off…you seriously crack me up, thanks for the lol and glad you’re back!

  215. Grammy says:

    Happy to have you back in fine form. I think you might have been a little too harsh on poor Idris, though. It doesn’t seem like he got much of a chance to reform before you booted him out.

    For the record (you are keeping a record, right?) I’m another who can attest to life being way better when you’ve got that heartbreak business out of the way. It’s good to see you making with the delicious snark again.

  216. Estee says:

    Pffff! Can you believe this guy?! I’m so glad he’s not snoring and farting up my daydreams! Good for you for telling him off! Men! He was getting freakin’ needy!

  217. Jenny says:

    Yup, yur Back, (YAY!!) and sooo not ready to date :)) My computer was in the repair shop since Friday and today is Wednesday. How Happy am I to have 3 posts to read back to back!!

  218. Kathy says:

    Move back in with his mother?? Yikes…

  219. Stan Nowak says:

    Hi Karen, my name is Stan and I live down the street from you just past the Museum. My wife is a big fan of this site, so I’ve started reading it too and I’m loving every minute of it (except about you and the fella, of course)! if you want to see Idris Elba in another show, try ‘Luther’ a BBC police detective series. Best! Cop! Show! Ever!!
    Hope you’re at the cactus Parade tomorrow – I’ll be one of the guys collecting ‘Toonies for Tunes’, so bring some $$$!

    • Karen says:

      Hi Stan! I’ve seen Luther and LOVE it. Great show. I had trouble deciphering the accents at first but caught on fairly quickly. 🙂 Just finished watching the last episode of the final season. ~ karen!

  220. Patti says:

    Love this post, had me laughing out loud! So glad you’re back! And this guy is too handsome as my mother would say, surely nothing but trouble.

  221. theresa says:

    I heard that Idris was up for Dr Who but it went to that other guy–Peter something Italian who is Scottish.

    Glad your back and have the ooomp to keep blogging ’cause I enjoy your site so much I tell all my friends about it!!

  222. Hooray! You’re back!

    Good choice with Daniel Craig! Benedict Cumberbatch might be more of my choice for English flirt, but he’s a bit skinnier than your average hunk. But I like the skinny ones.

  223. Sharon says:

    good to have you sistah! thanks for the laugh!

  224. Natika says:

    I came back from vacation to find you’re back too! So happy!

  225. Sue Hawkings says:

    go for IT 😉

  226. joanna says:

    sheeeeees back! 🙂

  227. Francene says:

    Oh my…I just stumbled upon your blog. The fire pit instructions is what got me here; your open letter to Idris Elba is what will keep me coming back. Toooo funny and just the laugh I needed to get started on this rainy, soggy Saturday morning. And, since you have kicked Idris to the curb, I shall do my one good deed for mankind today by finding him and helping him overcome his break-up with you. I have the just the cure for what ails him: homemade blueberry muffins. (If he is counting carbs, does the Paleo diet or is gluten free then he can watch me enjoy his muffin and mine—I’m nice like that!) But the first time he farts, we are done….

    Happy Saturday,
    Francene

    • Karen says:

      Welcome to my blog Francene! You caught me at a bit of an unusual time (right after the breakup of an 11 year relationship). You may find I swear more often during the next few months than most people consider appropriate. 😉 ~ karen!

  228. Anne says:

    At last!!! So glad you are back. I missed your wit and see that it is in fine form once again.

  229. West Coast Nan says:

    Missed you, thanks for kicking Idris to the curb, what was he thinking, messing with your mojo? You are better than that.

  230. Deb says:

    Well, I was gone for the first week you were back. Although I missed the first week of posts, I am getting to read all of them at once. Welcome home. You were missed.

  231. You are so so so funny. I kept laughing and my son kept asking me what I was laughing at. Laughter is the best medicine. You were funny before but I think you’re even funnier sans fella.

  232. Alicia says:

    You tell him sister!

    Being single after two 4 year relationships back to back was the best thing that ever happened to me. Hang in there.

    And goddamnit you ARE a catch.

    The fella is a damn fool.

  233. Maria Luisa says:

    I think you are the funniest person in earth!!!
    I love what you write!!!
    My boss introduced me to your blog and I think it is great!!, keep up the great work.

    Greetings

    Maria Luisa

  234. Maria says:

    This is amazingly good!!! I can’t stop laughing!!! Love your writing and charm, I should make this letter into a huge poster as a reminder that we can indeed pull ourselves up from the deeps of despair because we are worth it! Thanks for sharing so honestly 🙂

  235. Chris says:

    Just came across your work, conclusion. you are as nutty as a fruit cake. Wish there were more people like you in this world.

  236. Linda in Illinois says:

    I am literally laughing out loud… bravo Karen.. you are so delightful..

  237. Lesley says:

    Ok, three things:

    1. Johnny Depp is no longer prettier than anyone. Those days are gone. Check laineygossip.com for evidence of this.
    2. I will fight you for Idris Elba. I will win because, while I am older, I am also crafty.
    3. Daniel Craig. Have you seen this? You’ll enjoy it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sfCR8iBIi4Q

  238. Helen says:

    Sorry to have to give you some bad news, but I read this article in a British newspaper while I was in England this summer. Thought you may like to read, and hope you have him locked down already!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Optionally add an image (JPEG only)

  • About Karen

  • About Karen

  • My Latest Videos

Pin13
Share392
SUBSCRIBE if you like to sweat, swear and do stuff.
x
The Art of Doing Stuff