An Open love letter to Idris Elba

Sometimes I go through my posts and come across one that even makes me laugh.  This is one such post. I also thought it would be a good way to introduce some of my newer followers to what I went through 8 years ago. Spoiler alert: it was a breakup.  Double spoiler alert: I’ve never been happier and if you’re going through a breakup, believe it or not, you have incredible happiness to look forward to.

idris

originally published in 2013, 3 months after the very sudden end of a 10 year relationship

 

Idris Elba   

Age: 40

Occupation: Actor

 

Dear Idris,

I don’t know if you’ve heard or not, you probably have, but the fella and I have broken up.

So I figure now is the perfect time for you and I to pursue our relationship further (beyond me watching you on The Wire and thinking … yeah … I could probably have a really good relationship with a mid level drug dealer).

I appreciate the fact that you look manlier than I do. That’s kind of a prerequisite.  Even a feminist gal likes to feel like the gal. And since I’m often covered in dirt and wielding a power tool someone like Justin Bieber, for instance,  just wouldn’t do.  Also he’s too young.   Also I just couldn’t be with someone who, according to past photos,  kept losing his shirt until about the age of 24.  How upset little Justin must have been that he kept losing his shirts.  If I were him I’d have questioned my laundry service.

Johnny Depp was on the list for a while because he’s a bit of a weirdo and that appeals to me, but he’s prettier than I am so that’s no good.

Gordon Ramsay was also on the list because he’s manly but he can also cook.  Plus he makes a decent living.  Then I realized I’d never be able to cook anything for him, for fear of being called a f*cking donkey and having all my pots thrown at my head.  Also I have no idea how to make Beef Wellington.

So Idris,  it looks like you’re it.  You’re handsome and manly and you have a good sense of humour. I actually have no idea about your sense of humour but I’m going with the fact that you have a wildly terrific sense of humour.    You crack me up.  Heh.  We’ll be so happy together.  I’ve heard rumours you might be the next James Bond so then I can call you James, which will be a blessing, because I’m not entirely sure of how to pronounce your name. First or last.

I know this would be a long distance relationship, what with you living somewhere else.  Where is it you  live?  I think it might be England.  I’ve always wanted to visit England!  The Union Jack is my favourite flag.  We can go for curries and visit the English countryside.  We will walk dogs.  You will smoke a pipe and I will acquire an English accent by day 3 of my visit just like Madonna did.  We will have such fun walking along stone walls and picking daisies.   If you have time.  You’re probably busy.  I bet you don’t visit the countryside at all.  It’s always work, work, work with you.

Oh yes, I’m sure my moving to England would make things a lot easier for you.  Well you can forget that Mr. Controlling.  Do you have any idea how small the bags of chips are there compared to here? And by chips I mean CHIPS not french fries. See? There’s that too. Oh God. There’s going to be such a language barrier between us.

There is the redeeming fact that chickens outnumber humans in England, but it just isn’t enough to put up with your nonsense.

And just so you know, having a British accent doesn’t automatically make you charming.  You wanna know what’s charming?  YOU deciding what to have for dinner one night for a change.  You don’t even have to MAKE IT. Just come up with the idea. THAT’S CHARMING.

And you can think again if you assume I’m picking out your mother’s Christmas present. It’s your family and YOU can deal with picking out and buying their presents.  She’s not MY mother!!!   I have enough family members of my own to buy for let alone having to remember to buy your niece a grade 8 graduation present.

It’s always me, me, ME doing everything. It’s exhausting. You really should be a bit more considerate of my time and feelings.  No, I’m not a big time movie star like you, but you know what?  I HAVE CHICKENS.  YOU THINK CHICKENS RAISE THEMSELVES?  Plus I have a certain schedule I like to adhere to when it comes to eating and television watching and I can just tell you’re not going to be the least bit accommodating.  Because you’re selfish.

And I’m not entirely positive, but I think you probably snore. You look like a snorer. A loud one. Do you have any idea how nice it is to have an entire bed to yourself with nothing sweating, farting or snoring beside you? Well I do, and let me tell you it’s NICE. You’re such a jackass. You really are starting to bug me.

You think I don’t have my own life to live?   Well I’m putting a stop to this right now.  You’ve become way too demanding over the past few daydreams. I installed my own central vac. I’m independent. And handy. Plus I know how to spell most of my name in sign language. I’m a catch. You need me more than I need you. In fact without me you’ll probably move back in with your mother. So needy.

And I’m sick of it.  You’re suffocating me here.  Honestly.  Just back OFF.

We gave it a good try but this just isn’t going to work out.

Sincerely,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

p.s.  Do you have Daniel Craig’s email address?  Thanks in advance.

 
 

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An Open love letter to Idris Elba

308 Comments

  1. jan says:

    Your wit leaves me breathless (mainly because I’m laughing so hard I can’t breathe). :)

  2. Khadija says:

    I love me some Idris Elba. This was hilarious. How have I not known about this blog until now. That is a travesty!

  3. Cathy Prince says:

    Hilarious! Do you mind if I copy and paste your words to send to my heartthrob (also a candidate for James Bond) Sam Heughan? Except the part about not being able to pronounce his first name. I don’t want Sam to think I’m an idiot.
    Thanks for the morning chuckle!

  4. Tanya J says:

    I love your writing. Almost as much as french fries.

  5. Jan in Waterdown says:

    Ah yes…. the Idris letter. I sure hope he read it but I’m betting you never heard back from him. Typical.
    Oh btw, had dinner last Saturday at Quatrefoil. Food was amazing. Briefly thought of you but not in a creepy way 😉

  6. Linda in Illinois says:

    Love ❤️

  7. Carol says:

    Don’t we love Idris!

  8. Liz says:

    I wish I could figure out a way to bottle your humour, insights and true grit – an amazing read, thank you. At least the hens have in interest in your well-being, they will always have plenty of chat for you. They even offer up the perfect combination of protein, taste and the means to create tasty morsels on a daily basis. The next regular occupant in my bed will have to offer better up more than that! Welcome back!

  9. whitequeen96 says:

    My God, has it really been 8 years?! Your sadness was etched into my heart, but I can see that you’re absolutely “all better” now. I love the *idea* of relationships, but they always prove to be more trouble that they’re worth. I agree that you can come back happier from a break-up; I did!

  10. Shelley says:

    I didn’t see this letter the first time around, but your right. It’s really funny. Breakups are hard. Sigh.

  11. Gail says:

    What a fun read to start my day. Thanks

  12. TucsonPatty says:

    Karen, I just read all these comments – I think it said 393 of them. This was so funny to re-read now (you said it was funny for you, too!) I don’t remember when I began commenting, but I couldn’t find one here. I may have been in the middle of getting my own bed to myself! It is glorious on the other side! Devastating at the time, but the best life awaited me! I am so happy!!! You are *the* most amazing woman, and we all share a sense of awe of what you do! I remember the “closet drawings,” and I think you overcame all that beautifully! I’m glad you are on this beautiful earth! ❤️❤️ Thank you for this wonderful space you’ve carved for yourself and for all of us!!

  13. Lisa says:

    I will keep it simple.
    You are funny as shit!!!
    I am from Texas we love to swear!

  14. Joyeth says:

    Been missing you! And missing your inspiration. Thanks for being here for the rest of us. You got this!!

  15. Connie says:

    Hilarious. You are brilliant and made me smile after a long tough day without, sigh, Idris. But I see he can be a bit of a bother so – I’ll leave you to him.

    London is gloomy. Better off where you are. My 2 cents worth…

  16. Madeline says:

    Able was I ere I saw Idris.

  17. Nicole says:

    You left? Where did you go? You can’t leave again! I just got here….

    • Karen says:

      No, lol. I didn’t leave. This post is from several years ago. :) I will be only posting sporadically for January while I get my blog into shape though. ~ karen!

  18. Therese says:

    and with that, I think I can honestly say, I will thoroughly enjoy this subscription :)

    Thank you for your comedy! T

  19. Helen says:

    Sorry to have to give you some bad news, but I read this article in a British newspaper while I was in England this summer. Thought you may like to read, and hope you have him locked down already!

  20. Lesley says:

    Ok, three things:

    1. Johnny Depp is no longer prettier than anyone. Those days are gone. Check laineygossip.com for evidence of this.
    2. I will fight you for Idris Elba. I will win because, while I am older, I am also crafty.
    3. Daniel Craig. Have you seen this? You’ll enjoy it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sfCR8iBIi4Q

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