I spent 4 days in the wilds of Ontario in what is known as cottage country. A grand expanse of forested area filled with remote lakes and rock shields where families get together once a year to establish how long they can live together before someone challenges someone else to a cage match.
This is why having a proper cage fighting outfit is important. There are many things I leave at home when I go to the cottage obviously, but the things I bring with me are all must haves.
Cottage Must Haves
- Potato chips
- Diet Coke
- Helmet
- Pillow
- Migraine medication
Those were the only things I worried about having on this trip which took place last week. Which explains why my luggage contained no socks, additional shoes, or a bathing suit.
On the plus side I managed to bring underwear, pajamas and my Kobo because as everyone knows cottages are for relaxing in your underwear and reading.
Except my sister's cottage which is for seeing how close you can get to death without anyone finding out you peed your pants.
Let me step back a bit. My sister and her husband are doers. As you know, the name of my website is The Art of Doing Stuff. So I know all about being a doer. These two?
It's pathalogical.
Literally. They will bring you to the brink of death during at least one of their cottage activities. This extends to fishing, ATVing, waking earlier than 8 a.m., or playing Jenga (although if I'm being honest, the game of Jenga only led to potential blindness).
Would you like to save this stuff?
We'll email you this post, so you can refer to it later.
Obviously I don't have proof per se of all of these things, but here is an example. In the first photo below I am about to set off on my first ATV adventure. Newb.
4 hours later you can see the look of How many times are they going to try to kill me in the next 72 hours? on my face.
The answer is three (assuming we've all agreed to consider a potential blinding as a close call with death).
- The above mentioned ATV ride was pitched to me as a trail ride. I'm a horseback rider. For the most part, a trail ride is a relaxed walk through pretty trails. Oops! You might have to step over a log on the ground.
This "trail ride" had more of an I drank a crystal meth milkshake then tried to break a wild horse with bees under the saddle pad kind of feeling to it.
That's when I decided to wear the helmet for the rest of the vacation. Just in case. Who knew what these people were likely to throw at me next. - Jenga is often associated with various player injuries. You've got your carpal tunnel, your splinters, your generic panic attacks. So I wasn't going into this game totally oblivious - I knew it came with a certain risk.
I simply hadn't considered blinding.
- (continued) Betty suffers from macular degeneration. That means she can't see well unless there is a LOT of light. As such, while we were playing Jenga the first night at the cottage I loaned her the head lamp I wear for grooming Philip.
Which I brought it with me.
I had a lot of room in my luggage on account of it not being filled with shoes or socks or bathing suits.
Betty slid it onto her forehead, turned on the light, guided a few aliens to earth with it then proceeded to look all of us right in the eye.
As we all clawed at our faces, Betty slipped the Jenga piece out and placed it on the top of the pile.
- Macaroni Salad, scrambled eggs, crispy bacon, shish kebabs, spaghetti & meatballs, homemade Rice Krispie squares, shortbread, fruit, hash browns, potato chips, dip, cherries, chocolates, candy, potato salad, corn salad, burgers, toast & butter, homemade jam, macarons, garlic bread.
Make what you will of that but in my eyes it's what you feed someone as their last meal. 4 days we ate like this and for 4 days I was riddled with anxiety, wondering how far off my electrocution was likely to be.
For 4 days I constantly thought I was at the brink of death, which, as luck would have it, is exactly how I like to relax.
For the first year in a row no one challenged anyone else to a cage match. We were either too worn out, too full or too busy comparing our various prescriptions to be bothered with all of that.
That's the beauty of age. Less fighting with family, more fighting with cholesterol.
At least until next year when I remember to bring the appropriate footwear.
Patti Shiels
You made me laugh out loud several times. The crystal meth milkshake trail ride. You make normal life sound hilarious. You capture feeling, unspeakable thoughts as pure comedy. You go girl.
Karen
Normal life is usually quite absurd, lol. ~ karen!
Grammy
Don't be fooled by Betty. I don't doubt that she has macular degeneration, but she's also wise and witty and aced the rest of you out at Jenga with her strategy to use that to blind the rest of you until she'd won. Sounds like a terrific family vacation -- the world would be better if there were more families who would get together to act like fools and eat all the fun stuff, even if one of them thought a dog was a perfect replacement for suitable clothes.
Karen
And a poorly behaved dog! More on that later ...🙄😆 ~ karen!
Linda Ashe
Love your poodle and your comments. I have a Standard also and they are the best!
Maggie VanSickle
No swim suit on a beautiful lake? Hmmm😊
Jan in Waterdown
I was thinking the same thing 🤔 hmmm. Going up north is all about bathing in the frickin’ freezin’ lake cuz the cottage doesn’t have a shower then searching for leeches later, just for fun. As I remember it anyway 😁
Teddee Grace
So funny and reminiscent of summer vacationing in another life in a cottage in far northern Saskatchewan with my ex-husband and his relatives. They joined forces one night with a huge family with whom they had been friends growing up. This family kept us entertained with a three-ring circus of "high-end" Victorian parlor games and magic tricks they must have perfected during long Canadian winters. Perhaps your readers could send you their best Canadian cottage games. I'm sure it would make entertaining reading.
Bev
I am peeing myself laughing here! Thank you 😂🤣😆
Deb from Maryland
Lol! You do spin a quality, and funny, yarn. Thanks for sharing!
SH
Aww, you and Philip with matching color accessories!
Cindy
This sounds so much like our family vacations except they don’t always happen at a cottage. Sometimes they are in big cities or National Parks!
Imagine the dangers there! Lol
sb
oh my - sitting here in a big cottage with 5 siblings and their others....... esp laughing about prescriptions..... and varieties of walking sticks.... thanks
Marilyn Meagher
Lol, and your sister is the only woman I know who would have a cream sofa at a cottage.
Mary W
A family tradition worth blogging about! I'm just glad I'm not staying in a cottage next to you'all. I would certainly break my neck peaking through the bushes to figure out what you guys were going to do next. I adore the picture of you and Lip on the couch with your worried look of terror. He is regal!
whitequeen96
Hilarious! You always make everything sound so fun, even crossfit and hot yoga!
Bebe Parker Coyle
You did remember most of the important things to bring along for your cottage adventure with ONE exception: where's the rum to go with that Diet Coke? After reading about your four days, you needed it! XO
Sharon Dore
Betty continues to amaze - great genetics
🌵Pamela of The Desert🌵
Wow. That’s a lot of food and Betty knows what she’s doing by causing big black holes in her opponents fields of vision. No one can Jenga properly after Betty makes a move.
The photo of you and Philip on the sofa… are those hand tied fishing flys and lures in a framed shadow box behind your stunned expression of “Holy shit!”?
Your family time is authentic. As in real… (real weird.) But weird in the good way.
As long as you came home with the same amount of teeth that you left with and your white jeans, white shirt, no extra socks or shoes didn’t look suspiciously like a crime scene, all’s good.
XoXo
(Still no alerts from this site when comments are made)
Tom
Sounds like heaven to me - no pun intended !