There was a knock at the front door. The door that welcomes you to my home with a brick path flanked by espaliered apple trees, fluttering moths and lazy streams of sunshine streaking across the grass. My brick cottage is the kind of house that seems to sigh, Come on in, with the falling of every rose petal.
My house and I are very different. I just want people to screw off.
If I know you, that's one thing. But if you walk up my pretty path looking to sell me, convince me, switch me or beg me you can either turn around and go away or prepare to get your ass kicked by a spinning and kicking tiny blonde blur.
This is my house, my home. It isn't a drop in centre for people who think I have money that I just don't want anymore.
And no ... I don't make exceptions for charities. I have my preferred charities and nothing makes me feel less charitable than you standing on my porch making me feel like an asshole because you aren't one of them.
Also if I wanted to switch cable providers do you know what I'd do? I'd switch cable providers, on my own, from the comfort of my binge watching couch at 2:00 in the morning after having problems bringing up the latest season of Bridgerton. That is what I would do.
Years ago after a particularly curious encounter at my door I said this is stupid. I'm old. I'm allowed to do things old crotchety people would do. I already save tin foil ... I'm halfway there to old person crazy.
I sat down and whipped up a No Soliciting sign. It had lots of swear words and I guess if taken out of context could possibly have been viewed as a hate crime, but only towards people with fake laminated badges. I wrote something about strangling, burying, and Kombucha strangely enough.
Luckily, just when I was about to laminate it, I decided to take another, less aggressive crack at it. I mean I'm old and crotchety, but I'm not that old and crotchety.
Would you like to save this stuff?
We'll email you this post, so you can refer to it later.
And this is what I came up with.
Download one of the PDFs below to print your own
That scrappy laminated sign stayed on my fence for years with almost everyone who walked past reading it and laughing.
It eventually withered away and I took it down.
That's when they started to come back. The ringers, the knockers and the hawkers. I'm an actual old grown up person now so this week I upgraded and ordered this.
A $20 brass no soliciting sign It makes me feel like a bit of an asshead but at least I'm a classy brassy asshead who can watch Bridgerton in peace without risk of an arrest warrant.
Niki
NGL, l'd pay good money for a print‐off of your original sign - even though l don't have kombucha and Girl Guides no longer sell biscuits here in Aotearoa/New Zealand. I think the level of crotchety l have achieved must emanate past the boundaries of my property though, as l only get about 2 random door knockers a year. I don't even get the religious ones any more which may be something to do with me telling the last lot that, if they wanted to lead me to Jesus, they'd have more credibility if they mowed my bloody lawn instead of just being annoying on my doorstep. In my defence, I'm disabled, was having a very, very bad day and was more than mortified when they did, in fact, mow my lawn.
Karen
Yup. Yup, that would indeed be mortifying. ~ karen!
Eve
Here's my sign. Short and sweet.
Linda in illinois
I love it. Great sign.
Julie
I embrace the crotchety! I have to be careful cuz they come in at work (I'm at the front desk) so I have to a little more diplomatic. However I have elevated the art of the single eyebrow and they scurry away :)
Hettie
I'd forgotten all the unwanted callers who used to ring my doorbell when I lived in the city. Thanks for reminding me, Karen. I'll add their absence to the long list of reasons I'm glad I retired to an old house on a dirt road. :)
Karen
My eldest son had taken up deep sea fishing and had a piece of equipment that rather looked like a spear gun(harpoon type) I kept telling him to not leave it in our front hallway.One particular summer we were hounded by roaming hoards of Magazine salespeople telling me their life story. Yup the spear was in the hallway , couldn’t get the idiot off my front porch, I picked up the spear and very calmly asked if he’d like to see my spear up close and personal! They never came back, I wonder why ??? LMAO Now that is old , crotchety , and Armed !!
I now give crazy lessons !!
Jody
The only person I will give money to is a kid coming to raise money for the sport team/organiztion. If they have the spunk to knock on my door I'll buy what they're selling. And I'll double up for chocolate covered almonds!
Cindy Paris
I bought a lovely, kind sign from Amazon, installed it and had just as many folks determined to save me money, energy (for free!) sell me something or save me (from what?). I asked one if they knew how to (expletive) read?!? Now I don’t answer the door or, if I’m up and about, go look through the glass and if I don’t know them, I turn around and resume my chosen activity.
Dani R
x
Karen
LOL! ~ karen
Dani
I've attach a photo from the driveway to my house (no soliciting/trespassing), wish I could post from the driveway to the front porch
lynne holtrust
I LOVE this....I wish I needed it....but I have a gate and 4 VERY friendly Greeter Goldens who run around freely....and who are delighted to assault ALL visitors with barks, doggy hugs and slobbery kisses!!! To be sure, solisitors are usually discouraged especially if said greeters have muddy feet. Did I mention, we also have horses...so mud isnt the only deterent on paws. :)
lynne holtrust
I LOVE this....I wish I needed it....but I have a gate and 4 VERY friendly Greeter Goldens who run around freely....and who are delighted to assault ALL visitors with barks, doggy hugs and slobbery kisses!!! To be sure, solisitors are usually discouraged especially if said greeters have muddy feet. Did I mention, we also have horses...so mud isnt the only deterent on paws. :)
Kath
I am crotchety & old, too — but I never even thought to put up a sign. Thanks for the Amazon link; just bought 3 of them for my driveway, front and side doors. Hopefully they will deter at least some of our pushy New York soliciting.
I love how 5 minutes of time can improve quality of life. Karen, as always thank you for the excellent idea!
Marcia
I was going to ask if your no soliciting sign actually worked, but if the solicitors are just now coming back it must have deterred them. Maybe Canadian solicitors are more polite that our American ones. I think I need one of the fancy brass signs.
JC
I have a no trespassing sign but some people used to walk right thru it. A few years ago I was out burning brush (I am back a lane) and a group of a certain religion pulled up, unloaded from a van and the group leader, a man of course....walked up to me and said "where's your mate? HE should be out here doing that job?" To which I replied "SHE is in the house asleep" . I didn't get a chance to say get off my property because they reloaded that van in a flash!
I was talking about my daughter, but whatever...it worked. I did get to say "never come back" as they were turning around in the van. Might have been the fire poker I had in my hand as I was walking towards their leaving van.LOL
JC
Nicole
I had a metal sign made that read "Family, Friends and Girl Scouts Welcome" then would not so kindly explain to solicitors that they were none of those.
Jim
I must admit, that's quite a classy sign although I am a bit disappointed in the American version...it did not use the "F" word anywhere in it.. jussayin..
Lyn Holtrust
You can edit I believe.....jussayin ;)
Amber
Fred. I name everything Fred. Plants, cats, toolboxes. The car does not have a name, as it belongs to the dog.
Or Sasha (Velour)
Amber
Oops, wrong post. This was for the owl
Cyd
I had one annoying guy from a particularly aggressive service provider come back seven times in a single day. Each time he rang the bell twice and knocked with the old "shave and a haircut two bits" knock. I scrawled up a sign with a Sharpie on printer paper that said "If you're not an ACTUAL Girl Scout selling Thin Mints please do not knock on the door or ring the bell." It. Actually. Worked.
I admit that if he had come back with a sealed box of Thin Mints I would have appreciated the initiative.
Karen
Absolutely. ~ karen!
Robert Kellner
Hey Karen I have been looking for this sign for years and gave up because I couldn’t find it. Unfortunately it’s currently unavailable at Amazon.ca. I guess I will just have to keep watching until it is back in stock. Cheers Robert
Karen
Weird. I just checked and it's there. Try again with this link. ~ karen!
Randy P
I must add that if an attractive younger woman like you feels "old and crotchety"? Certified 75yr old Geezers like me feel like fossils.
Elizabeth Luzier
I think we need to move our sign as it doesn’t seem to be working.
Karen
That's why I put mine right in the middle of the gate. There is no missing it. At least I hope there's no missing it. ~ karen!