I learned a multitude of things on my Dominican vacation, but the most useful was a little trick to prevent looking like an old geezer.
We all know the basic tricks to avoid appearing the age we actually are. Moisturize, drink lots of water, wear sunblock, pretend not to know popular television shows from when we were kids.
Happy Days? Never heard of it. Must have been before my time. I don't know what a Fonzie is. But go ahead with your story you archaic, geriatric boob.
On vacation you can implement all of your tactics for appearing younger than you are and they work. Slather yourself in sunscreen, wear Spanx, throw some sunglasses on and people will automatically deduct at least 5 years off of your actual age.
But what happens when you are forced to show a little bit more of yourself?
Vacationing is an unusual experience where like it or not, you become intimate with strangers. You do things with them that you would normally only do with your husband, wife or doctor.
Starting with the airplane.
In the real world when you sit down next to a person it would be at a distance that you both feel allows an equally agreeable amount of personal space.
On an airplane the only thing that distinguishes the sitting experience as anything other than a lap dance are sparkles and a bottle of antibiotics.
This is the initiation you have to go through in order to mentally prepare yourself for the rest of your trip. God help you if you have a seat between you and the person next to you on the plane because without that bit of "intimacy with strangers who smell odd" training - you will be wholly unprepared for what's to come.
Let me ask you this.
What are the chances that right now you'd walk out of your house, straight up to the front door of one of your neighbours (that you don't know) - while holding a coconut and wearing your bathing suit.
And then to the next house. And then around the block, into a store and then to a restaurant, a public bathroom, a bar and then maybe a daycare centre.
Freely swinging your ass, arms, gut, legs and boobs.
On a scale with 1-100 I'm going to say there's a -1% chance of me doing that.
Within a few hours of hitting your vacation destination, still a bit brain mangled from the flight and your new location, this is exactly what you'll be doing.
There are no more intimate activities than sleeping and being naked. You're going to do both on vacation with hundreds, maybe thousands of other asses.
Which brings me to my lesson for today.
The #1 way to appear younger than you are and the #1 way to age yourself instantly.
It's all in the bottoms.
Would you like to save this stuff?
We'll email you this post, so you can refer to it later.
This isn't 100% accurate as far as scientific tests go but it's probably more accurate than fortune telling or that "What's your real age" quiz people were taking years ago.
The one where you entered whether you smoked or not, how healthy you ate, if you had a high risk job like working in a coal mine or as a balloon artist at kid's birthday parties.
Your perceived age is directly related to the size of your bathing suit bottoms.
It's as simple as that.
To look 45 or older wear full coverage bottoms
To look 35-45 wear a partial coverage bottom.
To look 25 or younger wear a thong bottom.
If you can't stop tugging and pulling at your bottoms whatever their size that's going to work against your scheme. It'll be your tell, the giveaway that you're faking it.
So don't pull at your bottoms and try to cover your ass up no matter what.
This by the way if you haven't figured out, only applies to women.
Because if you take a look up and down the beach other than the odd stylish gay couple in matching Speedos all the men are wearing down to their knee trunks.
SO HOW DO YOU GUESS THE AGE OF MEN THEN?
Divide the amount of hair on their head by the number of times they look up when a woman walks by then ADD 5 years for every ring on their fingers.
The answer will always come out to nobody cares.
You do you.
Thong it, partial it, cover it.
Whatever makes you comfortable. You're on vacation with strangers and they're all drunk and wobbly. They don't care what you're wearing.
They're worried enough about covering their own ass.
Now the puzzle!
This one is for everyone who asked if Philip missed me while I was gone.
Beverly
What I'd like to know is who decided that men should wear the biggest, baggiest swim trunks that hang to their knees, but women (who unlike men, get cellulite), are supposed to wear the tiniest pieces of fabric that will only cover enough skin to prevent them from getting arrested for public nudity! We know the only people who should be seen in public wearing a thong are women under the age of seventeen and anorexic models. I for one am going to be wearing board shorts and a rash guard top at the beach. It's the cool surfer chick look. Surely that will make me look younger, especially if I carry a surfboard, and learn to surf.
Mark
You are so funny! Thought you were going to model the options for us to better illustrate the choices... :)
Jan in Waterdown
Ah gee. Thanks for that. Now I got ANOTHER ear worm 🙄😝 Hate that damn song lol
LeenieE astman
The puzzle finally worked on my computer!!! So challenging doing them on my freaking IPhone!! Glad you got away, sorry you got sick!!
Benjamin
Dear Karen,
Thank you for remembering to mention the always cute and stylish gays. We love you because you're our dear Aunty with the fabulous kitchen and the lesbian rooster that loves to hold court on the chicken swing. You make power tools and planting seeds so much fun. We adore your style and wit and cocktail glass collection. 😉Wishing you the best vacation evah...
See you soon you gorgeous babe!! 🌻And give that big baby Phillip a hug from Guncle Benny.
💙Merry Christmas ❄️
Kat
13:01. Way better than the hour the first one took me, lol!
savannah49
ARRRGGG! How are folks doing the puzzles? I keep losing mine because of ads popping up. What am I doing wrong?
Before I forget, loved the post! As someone who hasn't worn a bathing suit outside of my water aerobics class, I think I need to change that. I'll cop to 72 and not care anymore! Thanks, Karen! xoxo
Patti H
Puzzle completed in 5:22.
When I was 55, a coworker asked me how old I was after I got off my motorcycle in the parking lot. She thought I was 42 only because I had a 25 year old daughter and though had her when I was 17. She became my new best friend that minute.
Beverly
I still ride my motorcycle in my 60's. I think it makes me look younger, too. Anyways, I know it makes me feel younger!
Joanne E Mercieca
My trick to looking younger is to tell people I am 10 years older than I really am!
Barbara H.
Oh my gosh, I love this!!!
JennyW
This is THE BEST! (insert laughing till you cry emoji here)
Meg
hahah!! I was hoping for tricks I could use to look younger in my day-to-day life. It's awfully chilly in New England right now for bikinis. Although maybe the 50°F rain we had yesterday approached warm enough, if I were properly lubricated with a coconut drink? Maybe the summer...
Also, yay! The puzzles finally worked for me!! 6:32. Not too bad with no mouse on this laptop!
Ella
Not sure why but lately your posts are not loading properly on my phone. That anti-anxiety dog bed ad is massively huge with a ton of white space in it. Nothing has changed with my phone and your posts are the only one it’s happening with…
Karen
HI Ella! It must have something to do with the advertising agency I use to place ads. I'll let them know about the issue, thanks for letting me know! ~ karen!
Ella
You’re welcome!
Ann
I am not sure why, but many of your pictures won't load on my "close to dial up speed DSL" internet access.
But I am sure those pictures would have added to your very humorous post today and I miss being able to see them.
I was supposed to go to the Dominican Republic for Christmas with my extended family this year, but kinda got uninvited. I think they didn't want just one old lady along and having to try and entertain her...For some reason they just can't accept that this old lady is a lot like your mom, and I do not need entertained. I entertain others with my antics. Oh well...our family dysfunction is what it is...
Karen
Hi Ann! Sorry about the uninvitation. I too was uninvited to something once. A cottage. It resulted in my having to quickly make other vacation plans and through no fault of my own ended up on a spider filled houseboat. It was quite horrible. As far as the pics go, there was only one photo in this post - the top one of me savouring my drink of choice - a juice box of chocolate milk. ~ karen!
Jennifer
Happiness! Between Philip puzzles and you getting me organized for Christmas, you are the fairy godmother of warm fuzzy emails.
Susan Baron
I always tell people that the way to look and feel younger is to hang around with older people. It works for me!
Lucy van Oldenbarneveld
This is a riot! I laughed out loud more than once. Clearly that stretch of Sunrise bungalows was a hot spot for comedic incubation.
Kathryn
I'm just about to leave for my first all inclusive vacation to the Dominican. So glad I read this. Useful and hilarious.
Karen
Have fun! Suns out, buns out. ;) ~ karen!
Kat
All the men wearing shorts to their knees.
You are SO lucky!
I am forever scarred by every time I've been to a beach my whole life, all the men I wasn't related to were pretty much in Speedo / thongs. No matter what size they were. My eyes! My eyes!
Then there was the 300 lb woman sleeping on her stomach at the beach in a thong. Absolutely terrifying to a child (all of the above). Oy!
Randy P
Well.... so much for separation anxiety - lol Beats coming home to a pup with kennel cough - BTDT The greatest thing about being in a foreign land is the liberation that comes from knowing you're never gonna see these strangers again anyway, so might as well have fun and let it all hang out....... within the confines of common decency of course............... unless it's after midnight..
Jan in Waterdown
“Never gonna see these strangers again”? Hah! First time in the DR for me way back in the 80’s, mostly Canadian and European tourists and no Americans (they hadn’t heard of it back then lol). Lots of topless sunbathing so I decided to give it a go, encouraged by my husband’s logic which resembled yours above. After a bit, I covered up again and strolled confidently into the bar, only to run into the real estate agent who sold houses on our street! I’m sure she wondered why I asked her “What the hell are you doing here”??? Ya just never know.
Randy P
Hah! - I'm gonna stick with "What happens on vaca, stays on vaca." lol
Kat - the other 1
🎶 It's a small world after all!🎶😂