I was out shopping with Betty the other day. First we went to Costco where I’m sure I spent at least $250 because I always do, yet I cannot remember a single thing I purchased. I’m guessing batteries, books and a 5 pack of something I’ll never use.
Then we drove on over to our local grocery store so I could buy some potato chips that came in a bag slightly smaller than a King sized pillowcase. Not because I can’t or wouldn’t eat a pillowcase sized bag potato chips, but because they won’t fit in my cupboards.
While striding past the awkward highschool kids and the men swearing at the self checkout computer, I stopped dead in my tracks. There before me in the bulk food section was a sad looking bin of steel cut oats. Yup. There it was, RIGHT BESIDE A HUGE BIN OF HERSHEY’S KISSES. If there’s one thing that horrible, grocery store fluorescent lighting can make look good, it’s the red and pink foil of a Valentine’s kiss.
So I shovelled a huge amount of them into a plastic bag telling Betty I had no idea what I was going to do with them. All I knew was that only good could come from $25 worth of kisses. Unless they’re from a scabby, cocaine addicted prostitute. Only bad can come from that.
A couple of days later, sure enough, I knew their purpose.
A GIANT KISS FILLED CARD.
The actual card is simply two pieces of foam core board that I got from the dollar store that I glued construction paper onto.
The inside, a great big heart of Hershey’s kisses.
Want to make the most ridiculous Valentine’s Day card in the world? Here’s what you need.
3 lbs Hershey’s Kisses ($25-$30 depending on whether they’re on sale)
2 pieces of foam core board
Construction paper (2 sheets of black, 1 sheet of white)
Hot Glue and gun or melted chocolate
1. Lay Hershey’s kisses onto foam core board in the shape of a heart. I chose to let the red fade into the pink at the bottom. Just fool around with it.
2. Once you’re happy with the look, lift each kiss up, put a very small dab of hot glue* on the bottom of the foil and stick it back in place on the board. Continue until all the kisses are glued down.
3. Cut a 6″ wide strip of white construction paper lengthwise. This will be the spine of your card.
4. Lay your card heart side down with your other piece of foam core 2″ to the right of it. If you’d like the back of your card to be black like mine, glue a piece of black construction paper onto the back of the foam core on the left. (the one with the chocolates on the other side of it).
5. Glue your strip of construction paper on both side of the foam core to form your spine.
6. Decorate the front of your card with anything you want. I chose to cut out a black heart.
7. You can also write on the heart with a white marker. Here are a few ideas.
*For gluing the chocolates, hot glue is the easiest thing to use that will hold up the best. It doesn’t soak through the foil and never touches the actual chocolate. If you’re the type that is still nervous about using glue, you can melt chocolate and use that as the glue to stick your kisses onto the board instead. It will stick when hardened but won’t be as strong as the glue.
You can also forego the actual card and just hang the kiss heart on the wall and grab a few as you walk past every day. Every hour. Every minute or two. Clearly I had *just* hung this heart up. I am staring pensively out the window wondering how many seconds I must let pass before tearing into it. I’ve also cleverly placed my jar of peanut butter just out of shot.
The total cost of this card is around $30 if you get your chocolates on sale. Which is probably about what you’d spend on a card and a small gift or box of chocolate anyway and THIS one is much more fun.
Is this a completely ridiculous Valentine’s Day card? Yes. Yes it is. But Valentine’s Day in general is ridiculous and as far as I’m concerned, any man who went to the trouble of making this for me as opposed to buying me overpriced fragrant roses knows the way to a woman’s heart is through her stomach, not her nose.
Unless she’s a scabby cocaine addict of course.
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