Then I thought, yoga! Maybe Yoga.
If I don't have the aptitude to cut the 5 pounds of back fat out of my body, maybe I could yoga it off. In the olden days I would have preferred something like kick boxing or even just kicking, but now that I'm older and more mature, and lazier, I'm looking for a way to incorporate relaxation into my exercise regime.
But some people who do Yoga look like they need to lay off the cream puffs themselves, so maybe Yoga won't work for getting rid of the water wings I have floating just above my waist band.
If my goal was to be very bendy and own a lot of good quality stretchy pants then Yoga would be my go-to exercise, but I wanted a good workout. One that would make me feel strong, and fit and energized. And better than everyone else who wasn't wearing a purple Lululemon jacket with holes in it for my thumbs to stick through, while I browsed the snack aisle of the grocery store.
Then I remembered my niece. She's what you'd call crazy. And exercise obsessed. She likes it. She genuinely likes working out or running until she stinks like ammonia. She recently tried Bikram Yoga and claimed to hate it. She hated it with a fierceness normally reserved for people who club baby seals.
She hated Bikram yoga so much she loved it.
Bikram Yoga is a form of intense hot yoga. Some describe it as militant. All classes are 90 minutes with the exact same poses in the same order every class.
Moksha Yoga, on the other hand, is also hot yoga, but there are a variety of levels, intensities and class lengths. They sometimes even have live music! Seems way more civilized.
Which is why both the fella and my niece preferred the thought of Bikram Yoga.
Here's what happened. A couple of months ago, the fella asked me if I'd try out Bikram Yoga with him. Sure. Shit. Why not? Let's ask my niece too. She's always wanted to go. She's available. GREAT! Done. We're all going to Bikram Yoga.
Only the day of the Bikram class I got one of my very famous migraines. So I thought standing on my head, or whatever goes on in Yoga class, would be stupid.
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So I had to cancel yoga, and the fella being a gentleman agreed to cancel with me until I was feeling better. Also, I told him he wasn't allowed to go without me.
But my niece. My niece has 3 kids and works so she doesn't get a lot of opportunity to get out of the house unless it's to go to hockey practice, parent teacher meetings or the emergency room.
So, my niece went to Bikram Yoga. And here is how it went down ...
(transcribed from a series of text messages and phone calls)
Dear Moksha Yoga. Which days do you have live folk music again?
→Follow me on Instagram where I often make a fool of myself←
Scotty Crawford
ABSOLUTELY wonderful writing. I laughed and laughed and laughed. That happens when your work is read by people who do have a sense of humor instead of ... certain readers ... who have no life at all and try to ruin everyone else's by sitting around and going to pot and bothering people who aren't losers and ARE funny.
Thank you, Karen. Funniest thing I've read in years and years.
Karen
Thanks Scottie! It's a favourite of mine as well. I wish I had more time to dedicate to good writing. I don't worry about people. If I only write what I thought wouldn't offend someone I'd be offering a blank page every day. Which of course, a lot of other people would have an issue with. ~ karen!
Holly
Was the fat shaming of other people who enjoy yoga really necessary?
Also, your niece is a drama queen - all that sweat brings out the diva/ anger/ fear in all of us. I would 100% recommend trying bikram once - you’ll hate it and then want to go back the next day - this is not a unique experience to fitness freaks. It’s an awesome kick start for fitness - people will say “oh you’ll die your first class”, but it’s actually quite hard to die.
Karen
Was t he shaming of people who enjoy being drama queens really necessary? ~ karen!
c
trolls need to go outside the house and encounter other beings.
Scotty Crawford
I hope you life has gotten a LOT better since you sprayed bile over the thoughts of someone who's such a deeper and better person than you used to be.
I also hope you've adopted the habit of pushing away from your screen, turning your glowing lifeforce vampire OFF, and getting the heck out of the house.
Kelli
Sitting here with a 'hot-yoga headache' and can't stop giggling.
This reaction is exactly how I thought I was going to be the first time I went.
I didn't. I survived, and I keep going back - but it's most definitely not for everyone!!!!
My little girl (6) does Bikram with me once a fortnight (in a room much cooler than 40C!!) and she loves it too!
PS: Brussel sprouts send me in to shock, give me chills, make me vomit and want to lie down for a year.
Karen
Well at least I know there's something partially sane about you then. ;) ~ karen!
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Claire
Bikram yoga is soo horrible maybe it is something everyone should try once. So get a single entry not a month intro deal. I went today for the first and last time. it is like yoga with all the good bits removed and lots of horrible bits added in. Bikram calls it "the torture room" and that is the entire atmosphere. Bright fluorescent lights, lots of mirrors and an instructor who barks instructions like a race-caller. The heat is incredible, my face was like a tomato for 30 minutes afterwards and like your niece I was cold. it is true my physical body feels good, but my heart, mind and soul feel violated by how ugly the whole experience was. Bikram seems to be designed for people who hate themselves. I recommend people try a vinyasa flow hot yoga instead where you can relax, play and get fit and bendy having fun :)
Doug
I tried the military once in ‘84 and then I retired from it.. sounds about the same kind of compulsion.
Leslie Best
I can't believe I haven't read this before! Hilarious! So so funny.
:)
Karen
I can't believe it either Leslie! ~ karen
Lisa
Omg. Your niece could not be anymore right. I tried Bikram yoga for the first time yesterday. Got invited by a co-worker for a free class in Baltimore. Let me tell you... no amout of review/blog reading can prepare you for this kind of torture. About 5 min in I thought to myself this must be what HELL feels like... literally. I tried not to be the 1st one to punk out, but about 45 min in to my 90 min class I began to feel light headed, and was sure if I stayed another second they would be scraping me up off my yoga mat. And YES, it is frowned upon to excuse youself or leave out for air; but my militant drill.. I mean yoga instructor would just have to understand. (She kept screaming "ALIGN YOUR SPINE.... ALIGN YOUR SPINE" ). As I left to catch my breath, soon after another person came out.. followed by another. After about 7 min of the best AC I have ever felt in my life I retured to finish out the class. But I tell you this, if I wasnt positioned in the middle of the darn room I would have grabbed my towel and rolled up out the door. Bikram could keep the "hot tea water". I woke up this morning in need of a full body cast. And somehow I got convinced to sign up for a groupon offer for more classes. How that happened, I have no idea. I think they get you right after when your foggy & light headed. I signed the paper and ran out the door before I puked all over her desk. Thats when I realised I just signed up for 10 more freakin' classes. OMG! Seargent "Kill Me Now" can keep that $45 and shove it up her yoga mat! *Namaste*
Karen
LOL!! I shall direct towards this comment so she can feel your pain. I still haven't gone. I still will never go. ~ karen!
Brad
I have been doing Bikram yoga for eight months now. There was only once when I felt that I did not enjoy Bikram yoga class. Here is the story :
I was six months into Bikram yoga. I went for Bikram Yoga day after having pizza, coke, chips and dips with friends. I am not big fan of these toxin rich foods. After finishing Bikram yoga next day I threw up couple of times after drinking water. I was myself surprised with this, since I was doing so good at Bikram yoga for six months and suddenly I throw up after Bikram yoga.
So, I guess if you are used to having toxin rich food, then Bikram yoga is going to be tough for you.
Karen
Well yes, Brad, lol, the pizza, chips, dip and coke probably didn't help. I wouldn't say pizza is toxin rich though. Chips and dip might be pushing it although I must admit I happen to love chips and dip along with kale salad, and other nutrient rich foods. My niece is a good eater and very fit. I think it has a lot to do with your bodies ability to regular temperature actually. Some people even find summer temperatures difficult to get used to for a little while. ~ karen!
Jesse
I have been doing Yoga for about 4 -5 months now, started at 318lbs @ 5'5'' so i'm not anywhere close to being a small guy. To be honest I was a really fat guy that was very immobile and lazy. In the beginning, it was hell, it still is some days and I puke after class maybe once a week (I go 7 days a week),but i always refuel properly after class. I love it now and I'm addicted to it. I have become so much stronger and flexible that I catch myself all day trying to do poses at home, work or anywhere. I just hit 270lbs a few days ago and the weight is shedding away. Try it, you'll feel great. Remember it is only 60 or 90 minutes and that time will always pass. Love yourself and use that time to make yourself a better more fit person.
Karen
Hi Jesse! First if all congratulations! That's a lot of weight to lose and a lot of work! However, I'm 5'3" and 106 lbs. If I were to lose that kind of weight I'd be dead, lol. Nope. It's just not for me.
Kathy
Okay I did my first Bikram Yoga class today and felt the exact same way as your niece!! I found this post by typing in the words: bikram, vomit, pass out, sucks into google. I was actually okay for the first 30minutes and then I became the girl who couldnt stop wiping her face, falling over, and taking 'hot' water breaks because let me tell you - that cold water you brought into class now verges on boiling. It was pure effing hell and was freezing afterwards...and it was 87 degrees here today. I don't know how I stopped myself from puking - that was a true fcking miracle. And bonus - once I got home I got a migraine from hell. Curse that damn man who came up with this hellish form of exercise. I would rather be water boarded. Stick to your guns Karen.
Karen
LOL. I can't wait to show my niece this comment. I've decided to take up running. Seems far more civilized. ~ karen!
Franky
I just peed a little...this was hilarious! Just what I needed after my son decided to get up at 5 the 5th day in a row!
Bikram is insane, but it feels soooooo gooood!!
Terri
I laughed so hard that I got gooseflesh! This is my first visit to this blog and the first post that I read - and I love it enough to follow it! I was drawn to this one because my eye keeps wandering to that new hot yoga place they opened down the road....
Karen
Terri - Listen to me. Listen to me c l o s e l y. STAY AWAY FROM THE BIKRAM YOGA. As you were. ~ karen