A certain YouTube video was recently brought to my attention by The Art of Doing Stuff fan, Jenn.
The video depicts a distinguished French gentleman dressed in his fancy dress up clothes, with his fancy accent, standing beside his fancy car. Mr. Fancy Pants then proceeds to show us how we can easily and in quite a poised manner, open a bottle of wine by sticking it in a shoe and smashing it against a tree.
This I assume is for people who have recently stolen a bottle of wine and didn’t have time to steal a corkscrew as well. I suppose perhaps, it could also be for the people who are on their 3rd or 4th bottle of wine and just can’t identify a corkscrew anymore.
Either way, I was fascinated with this video. The ease! The quickness! The grace with which one can open a bottle of wine with a stinky old shoe and a dirty, bug filled tree astonished me.
I am usually only astonished by lies. (Hey Karen … you look GREAT in those coolots! Hey Karen … I just killed all the weeds in my garden with this environmentally friendly weed killer! Hey Karen … I honestly think spider veins are kindda sexy)
So this got me to thinking. I wonder if this video is a lie? Could it really be this easy? Could I really look this distinguished while trying to open a bottle of wine on a tree trunk? I certainly hoped so. Because this would be the best party trick in the world, second only to dangling a teaspoon off the end of your nose.
So I gave it a shot, and here’s how it went.
Opening Wine with a Tree Trunk.
There’s a YouTube video that says if you don’t have a corkscrew you can easily open a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tree trunk. Uh, huh. Let’s just see about that.
Conclusion: You literally need to manhandle the bottle of wine for this to work. It does not knock out with a few quick smacks on the tree. I’m not sure I ever could have dislodged the cork on my own. For one thing, there’s the underlying terror that the bottle is going to explode into razor like projectiles of glass. Which, although entertaining for a YouTube video or a Wile E Coyote cartoon … is not nearly as amusing in real life.
Special thanks to my mom Betty (who was only there so she could leave with the cheap bottle of wine I bought for the experiment). Also big thanks to the fella, who due to a strict Crossfit regimen and insane fitness level could actually dislodge the cork on this bottle.
If you’re alone and trying to open this bottle of wine I suggest you run the streets looking for someone to help you. Someone with enormous strength or anger issues. My guess would be Godzilla or a woman who was recently criticized for her spider veins would be the first ones to look for.