How I’m going to make a million dollars and how you can too.

 

 

kitchen-floor

I’ve decided to quit blogging and go into the business of reading floors.  It’s kind of like reading tea leaves, only it actually works, you don’t have to drink tea, plus your house gets cleaner.  And it’s free.  And you don’t feel stupid and duped after doing it.

Floor Sweep Reading is the brainchild of me.  I invented it just last night while sweeping my floor and I’m pretty sure it’s gonna take off.  It’s kind of sciency an’ shit, so it may only make it into like, journals, and boring publications like that at first, but after that it’s definitely going to be something everyone’s talking about.  Plus it’ll to be a real cash cow for me.  I mean, I like blogging and all, but when you come up with an idea like this everything else has to go on hold in your life.  

If you’re any sort of normal human being, you’ve been sufficiently whipped into such a frenzy by now, that you can’t wait to hear what this Floor Sweep Reading actually is.

Well, you sweep your floor, take a photo of your pile of dirt and send it to an accredited Floor Sweep Reader for analysis.

I accredited myself as an Official Floor Sweep Reader just last night, and as luck would have it I’m the only one in existence right now so a) I’m your only option and b) I am your only option.

You have to send me money too.  That’s what makes this a cash cow.

Once an Official Floor Sweep Reader (me) receives your photo (and money) they’ll analyze it using state of the art technology developed over the past half hour in my backyard with some drunk neighbours.  All results are confidential, and emailed back to you using my laptop which, although not password protected is usually pretty secure since there’s always a cat sitting on it.

O.K., I’m actually going to change the name of my invention right now.  I know I said it was called “Floor Sweep Reading” but it just occurred to me if I call it “Floor Dirt Reading”, then we can shorten that to FDR, which will be easier for people to remember  on account of its association  with the famous FDR fuel pump out of Izmir, Turkey.

As an experienced business person, schooled mainly by reading the Tweets of marketing bloggers, I know that you like to get something for free before you’re willing to pay for it.

Here’s a sample of what you can expect to receive after you send me your photo.

The first step of the analyzation:

“Identification”

 

dirt-analysis

 

“Analysis”

I see this person cuts food up  but doesn’t eat it. They throw food on the floor.  Mainly  tomatoes and kale. This person could be a violent vegetarian.  Possibly a disgruntled vegan.  Unless those things were dropped on the floor in which case they’re just tired.  An indication that this one’s a real partier.  Would benefit from the FDR detox kit, selling for only $79.99.   In the past they’ve encountered a cat. It probably crossed their path.  This is a bad omen.  Which isn’t a surprise because the chicken feather in the photo is evidence of this person’s interest in voodoo.  I predict this person will suffer a minor glue gun injury while attempting to reapply a rhinestone to a pentogram.  And a shelf will fall down in the near future. Maybe their shelf.   All of these things will happen on a day that ends with a “y”.

“Conclusion”

This person needs further analysis.

 

BAM!!  Now THAT’S how you do it.

Interested in becoming an official FDR analyzer?  I don’t expect you to understand all the scientific jibber jabber behind how I do all this so I won’t even try to explain it right now, but suffice it to say you can be a little loosey goosey with your results and still look like you know what you’re doing.  Ask about my accreditation package so you too can take advantage of this booming and revolutionary method of predicting the future and reading the past.

I just realized I said earlier that you wouldn’t feel stupid and duped after doing this.  That’s because this is real. Not like those magic tea leaves or palm reading.   Also it’s not free.  I lied about that.

Floor Sweep Dirt Reading.  Watch for it on the cover of People magazine soon.

Have a good weekend.  I probably won’t get to say that to you again, since I won’t have time for you anymore. Because I’ll be rolling in money soon.  Or floor dirt.

75 Comments

  1. Violet says:

    You will seriously change the meaning of ‘dirt poor’.

  2. Oh what the hell, sign me up too! I’m always late on these incredible offers, so I’ll pay double what ever the initial cost was.

  3. This is the best thing I’ve read in a long time! Just came across your blog via Pinterest and am looking forward to following along!

    • Karen says:

      Hey! Welcome to The Art of Doing Stuff. New posts on Mon, Wed and Fri. Unless I don’t feel like it in which case you’ll find me at home eating chips. ~ karen!

  4. IRS says:

    I don’t sweep my floors, but every once in a while, when the couch starts to lift off the floor from the accumulated debris shoved under it, I get out the shovel, and pry out the empty vodka bottles that are responsible for most of the “couch lift”. I then finish off the job by using a leaf blower to remove anything else, living or dead, that is lodged underneath. Would the resulting pile qualify for your expert analysis? I have at least a half dozen of these piles, but they will need to be removed soon, as they are proving to be a tripping hazard on trips to the kitchen to get more vodka. I need to unchain one of the kids assembling fake iPhones in my basement, and have him deal with the piles, so please respond soon. Thanks.

  5. ktr says:

    I have a toddler, an infant, 2 dogs and live in “mud country” so you’d have a great time analyzing what I sweep up. Some times I’m not even sure myself what it is.

  6. Sandra says:

    My dirt isn’t even loose anymore – I couldn’t send it to you if I tried. I’m NOT ripping up that hated tile! So, you’ll have to come here. Hurry, Calgary gets cold.

  7. Becky Wade says:

    Karen – this is a brilliant idea. Since I haven’t swept my floors for a week, this just might be the ticket to get me in action. Maybe you could branch out and have dirty windows readings too. Just think of the business that service would bring in. Wow! The posibilities are just pouring out of my little pea brain. (Am I dating myself with that last reference? Somehow I think probably so…). Oh. Here’s another one. You could find out what and where your children have been doing when they borrow your car. It would work as well to check on your husband. But that is a whole another path most probably wouldn’t need or want to do. But you sure could charge more for that one! ?

  8. Jeb says:

    The real cash cow here is that you wrote an entire post about the shit you swept off the floor. And we are reading it. And we love it. Well done.

  9. Helen Whaley says:

    I’m in! Just tell me where to send the money.
    Actually, do you do package deals? I’d like the floor of every room in my house analysed please. It’s so great to finally come upon someone who’ll tell the truth and not just take me for everything and give nothing in return. About time!

  10. Jennie Lee says:

    Sherlock Holmes could have used your idea to branch out from simply being a Consulting Detective. I highly recommend his monograph “Upon the Distinction Between the Ashes of the Various Tobaccos”.

    • Jan in Waterdown says:

      So how do you like Benedict Cumberbatch in the role? I think he’s brilliant & yummy!. Sorry for highjacking the post, I just had to ask!

      • Jennie Lee says:

        I have yet to hear anyone say he’s less than brilliant and yummy. However, since I don’t have TV, I have yet to see the show. I’ll undoubtedly get it on DVD one day. Right now, I’m finishing up “Ripper Street” and waiting impatiently for season 2 of “Penny Dreadful”. I just finished all of “Justified” and “Dexter”.

      • Jan in Waterdown says:

        I don’t recognize those shows except for Dexter, but then I am not very up to date. Are you in the UK? Loved Broadchurch (waay better then the American remake). Sherlock is availble here in Canada on dvd and bluray so you can probably get it. Cheers!

      • Jennie Lee says:

        I haven’t seen “Broadchurch”. I’ll look into it. “Ripper Street” lasted 3 seasons, and was detective stories set in Whitechapel , a few years after Jack the Ripper’s predations. “Justified” lasted 6 seasons, and was about a U.S Marshall in the part of Kentucky where my father was born. Both are very good. (Violent though, as you might expect.) If you like creepy, eerie stories set in Victorian England, “Penny Dreadful” is really amazing. I live in West Virginia, U.S.A. . Thanks for the info about DVDs of “Sherlock”. :)

  11. Stephanie Hobson says:

    Dang, I was just fixing to request a personal Floor Dirt Reading for myself until I realized that I would have to sweep the floor myself! Very disappointed.

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