How I’m going to make a million dollars and how you can too.

 

 

kitchen-floor

I’ve decided to quit blogging and go into the business of reading floors.  It’s kind of like reading tea leaves, only it actually works, you don’t have to drink tea, plus your house gets cleaner.  And it’s free.  And you don’t feel stupid and duped after doing it.

Floor Sweep Reading is the brainchild of me.  I invented it just last night while sweeping my floor and I’m pretty sure it’s gonna take off.  It’s kind of sciency an’ shit, so it may only make it into like, journals, and boring publications like that at first, but after that it’s definitely going to be something everyone’s talking about.  Plus it’ll to be a real cash cow for me.  I mean, I like blogging and all, but when you come up with an idea like this everything else has to go on hold in your life.  

If you’re any sort of normal human being, you’ve been sufficiently whipped into such a frenzy by now, that you can’t wait to hear what this Floor Sweep Reading actually is.

Well, you sweep your floor, take a photo of your pile of dirt and send it to an accredited Floor Sweep Reader for analysis.

I accredited myself as an Official Floor Sweep Reader just last night, and as luck would have it I’m the only one in existence right now so a) I’m your only option and b) I am your only option.

You have to send me money too.  That’s what makes this a cash cow.

Once an Official Floor Sweep Reader (me) receives your photo (and money) they’ll analyze it using state of the art technology developed over the past half hour in my backyard with some drunk neighbours.  All results are confidential, and emailed back to you using my laptop which, although not password protected is usually pretty secure since there’s always a cat sitting on it.

O.K., I’m actually going to change the name of my invention right now.  I know I said it was called “Floor Sweep Reading” but it just occurred to me if I call it “Floor Dirt Reading”, then we can shorten that to FDR, which will be easier for people to remember  on account of its association  with the famous FDR fuel pump out of Izmir, Turkey.

As an experienced business person, schooled mainly by reading the Tweets of marketing bloggers, I know that you like to get something for free before you’re willing to pay for it.

Here’s a sample of what you can expect to receive after you send me your photo.

The first step of the analyzation:

“Identification”

 

dirt-analysis

 

“Analysis”

I see this person cuts food up  but doesn’t eat it. They throw food on the floor.  Mainly  tomatoes and kale. This person could be a violent vegetarian.  Possibly a disgruntled vegan.  Unless those things were dropped on the floor in which case they’re just tired.  An indication that this one’s a real partier.  Would benefit from the FDR detox kit, selling for only $79.99.   In the past they’ve encountered a cat. It probably crossed their path.  This is a bad omen.  Which isn’t a surprise because the chicken feather in the photo is evidence of this person’s interest in voodoo.  I predict this person will suffer a minor glue gun injury while attempting to reapply a rhinestone to a pentogram.  And a shelf will fall down in the near future. Maybe their shelf.   All of these things will happen on a day that ends with a “y”.

“Conclusion”

This person needs further analysis.

 

BAM!!  Now THAT’S how you do it.

Interested in becoming an official FDR analyzer?  I don’t expect you to understand all the scientific jibber jabber behind how I do all this so I won’t even try to explain it right now, but suffice it to say you can be a little loosey goosey with your results and still look like you know what you’re doing.  Ask about my accreditation package so you too can take advantage of this booming and revolutionary method of predicting the future and reading the past.

I just realized I said earlier that you wouldn’t feel stupid and duped after doing this.  That’s because this is real. Not like those magic tea leaves or palm reading.   Also it’s not free.  I lied about that.

Floor Sweep Dirt Reading.  Watch for it on the cover of People magazine soon.

Have a good weekend.  I probably won’t get to say that to you again, since I won’t have time for you anymore. Because I’ll be rolling in money soon.  Or floor dirt.

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75 Comments

  1. Jamieson says:

    Sign me up, I’m a believer! This is true genius at work.

    • Karen says:

      That’s great! You’ll never believe this Jamieson but you *just* missed out on the introductory offer so prices have gone up since the introduction of the technique 28 minutes ago. I’ll charge your credit card this second so you don’t have that happen again. ~ karen!

  2. K says:

    Hmmm… My floor only has dog hair on it. Copious amounts of dog hair.

  3. Robb says:

    Sign me for the accreditation, detox package and rolling in the dough.

    • Karen says:

      That’s great Robb! Consider it done. But I can tell from your comment that you have pain on your left side. You might want to consider the left side pain package as well. It’s cheaper when you buy it as a package with the right side pain so I’d recommend that. ~ karen!

  4. @radioredhead says:

    I sometimes photograph dirt piles as I find them interesting.

    So in. Dolla dolla bill yo!

  5. Cynthia Jones says:

    There’s none of your hair. I guess that’s cos it’s always immaculately coiffed.

    I remember when I bought my Dyson. Every time I vacuumed, I tipped out the barrel onto newspaper and examined the contents with glee.

    I also vaccuumed my mattress and tried to do the dog, but he’s a 5kg wimp.

    You would like Dysons, trust me. Ask them if you can do a trial and blog about it. The Dyson guy is also rather silver-haired and foxy and roolly smart. He invented a whole new hand dryer for rest rooms based on the Dyson technology.

    Nice dirt. Though, I think it needs to be wet to read it properly. Bet you change your career aspirations then when it looks like Mulligatawny soup.

  6. Pati Gulat says:

    I used to LIVE in Izmir, Turkey ! Sorry but as soon as I saw Izmir, I forgot what the rest of it was all about. Amazing place !!

  7. Ann Brookens says:

    I’m with Cynthia on checking out the dirt from my vacuum. Much more interesting than the dirt from my kitchen floor. So if you are expanding into that niche as well, I’m in!

  8. Kieron says:

    Lmao that’s brilliant, best laugh Iv had all today 🙂 sign me up twice, it sounds that good.
    Thanks 🙂

  9. Kat says:

    Have you been drinking again Karen?

    • Martha says:

      I’m thinking that Karen has finally learned that there’s a way to open a bottle of wine that doesn’t involve sticking your wine bottle in a shoe and pounding it into a tree for three hours. Only took her a few years to figure that out, but we’re in for a rollercoaster of fun now.

  10. Luanne says:

    Those people with the FDR fuel pump webpage will most likely be scratching their noggins to figure out why the sudden blip in their page views. 🙂

  11. peg says:

    mostly my hair (long)on the kitchen floor,I shed it so much surprised I have any on my head.I should tie up when cooking so family members aren’t pulling out of food or mouth. 🙁 Your so funny,thanks for the post.

  12. Stephbo says:

    “technology developed over the past half hour in my backyard with some drunk neighbours. ”

    Somehow I’m thinking it’s not just the neighbors who are drunk.

  13. Mary Edmondson says:

    Have you been approached yet to do a TED talk. Keep imbibing. You’re on a roll and this is one of your best posts. Made my day.

  14. Mary Edmondson says:

    If the millions don’t roll in fast enough, consider creating some magnificent and costly art works. Big ones sell for more so you might have to quit sweeping in order to collect enough material. All sorts of possibilities here to expand your creative talents.

  15. Cynna says:

    You’re completely out of your mind, but the idea is brilliant–it’s like a DNA profile (and more) on your kitchen floor!
    You could even offer magic brooms as a gift with purchase.

    • Sherry in Alaska says:

      Magic broom is a a brilliant idea! Free is NOT. Sell the broom with a free paper towel to be moistened to pick up the last speck of dust…….

  16. Marion says:

    Wow, what drug are you on? Hillarious!!! Great lough!!

  17. Sandi says:

    Wait. WHY do “you people in the comments” pour out your Dyson collectings? Isn’t that the exact opposite of every ounce of that amazing and renowned suction? Do you find things in the dirt that you didn’t expect? Like another households Legos or cat hair when you only have a dog? Maybe I’ve been missing out on the full Dyson experience all these years.

    • Cynthia Jones says:

      I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I lost a 1 carat diamond down the shower drain once. Maybe I need validation for the meaningless task of housekeeping. Maybe I think I’m a faerie and want to see if there is glitter in there. (there is). Maybe I secretly lust after the silver-haired Dyson man and want an excuse to contact him. Maybe I consider it a social experiment to gauge the activities in the house that week.

      Maybe I want to show off that I don’t actually vacuum, I just empty it.

      There’s my tip girls. Buy a Dyson, a red or purple one and talk about the machinery and engineering of it I swear your guy will take over the vacuuming and think he is the only one who can do it.

      I know, I know…….but I don’t care. It happened by accident and I am not going to change it.

      • Sandi says:

        I love it! One-carat diamond…say no more.

      • Jan in Waterdown says:

        You’re sooo right! But mine always has to show me how much dust he got from our bedroom alone . . . kinda creepy . . .
        We don’t even use the central vac anymore, just the dc35 bluey purple stick model. And when the battery stops working, so do we. Win win!

        • Cynthia Jones says:

          He wants you to say “you do an amazing job” or “you’re so good at that”. Weird, I know, but it’ll keep him doing it for months. You only have to say it about 3 times a year.

          Germaine Greer would be so pissed off at me, but do I care? Na!

  18. Mandy says:

    Sign me up!
    I’ll take on the European franchise!

    P.S. I would also like to know what you and the for mentioned ‘drunk neighbours’ were imbibing. (I wants me some of that!!) ?

  19. Debbie Bashford says:

    ooooo you need to build yourself some instrument thingy with blinking lights and switches to make it look sciency, you know, so people will respect your authority

  20. Ev Wilcox says:

    The floor dirt my sweeper sucks up is exceedingly boring. Dog hair, every time! Have always considered saving it and knitting a new dog, but haven’t yet! The dog is very black. but the sweeper shows it to be gray.
    Haven’t figured that out yet….

  21. Teresa Jennings Richardson says:

    This was really funny and it is amazing what a creative mind can choose to blog about when NOTHING comes to mind and EVERYBODY gets a kick out of “dirt” you posted today–better than the “dirt” on gossip shows and just about as true. I went to bed at 11 last night and did not have your blog in my email. I got up at 4:12 AM to let my little doxie go potty and see that 23 people have already commented. Sweeping is on my list of chores for today and I will be able to attack that hated chore with a whole new purpose. The grands and I will have tons of fun analyzing what kind of people live here as we rescue crayons and tiny cars from the Jackson Pollock masterpiece headed for the trash bin. But if Annlee says, “Grandma, what fun craft do you have for me to do today?” well me thinks I’ll give her a sheet of paper slathered in Elmer’s glue, a dustpan full of gibblets from the dining/craft room floor, and let her create her own modern art to put on the fridge and just recycle that trash into a treasure. Yep, a living tribute to the trashiest article I’ve read in a long time. (In all fairness, I have to admit, I use the “trash” in that room all the time. A few weeks ago, I made 15 tutus in one day. I kept all the little snippets of tulle left over after I trimmed them to the correct length and used those bits to make doll tutus and tulle pom poms for matching hairbows. Annlee loves those “accidental” items more than the planned one.) I can’t wait to see your analysis of the sweepings from the girls coop.

  22. Tris says:

    I used to clean vacant apartments and did personal “readings” myself. Tried to reconstruct what the people who had lived there were like by what I mopped, scrubbed, and swept up in their unit. Too bad you didn’t have your accreditation program going back then. It would have been nice to earn millions vs a lousy 10 bucks an hour.

    Did anyone else think Franklin Delano Roosevelt?

    • Mary W says:

      Immediately – but wondered why FDR instead of FSR and had to reread to find out she changed the name. I can’t hear FDR without thanking of him as it appears the only way people refer to him.

    • Grammy says:

      “Did anyone else think Franklin Delano Roosevelt?”

      I’m pretty sure that was the joke.

      • Heather says:

        Grammy,
        I’m pretty sure that was the joke, too.

      • Tris says:

        Thanks for pointing that out. Sometimes a joke goes over my head. Glad you caught my mistake. The great thing about Karen’s posts is all the support in the comment sections from her readers! You and Heather are gems!

        • Grammy says:

          I assume that Karen counts all of us as her little gems. I picture her hot-gluing different brightly colored shiny things on an old pickle jar and thinking of it as a reflection of how she affects all her minions. That gives us all the responsibility to help each other out — nobody wants to come to Karen’s place and be the only not-pretty gem on the pickle jar.

    • Anne says:

      Yup and was surprised that he’d made a pump to sell in Turkey! Oh, he didn’t? Live and learn.

  23. Marta says:

    Don’t make me laugh so hard. I’ve got hot coffee in my hand! Woops, now it’s coffee on the floor…

  24. Kim says:

    I think you’ve got your Mojo back again!! That’s what makes me laugh.

  25. Mary W says:

    LOVE your post today. Stirs up creativity and I want to write a story using the prompts provided by my sweep. I can sweep two or three times a day (if the grandkids are here) and since I’m in Florida, of course the main prompt would be sand – every time. So here goes my latest sweep: It was a dark and windy night. My window was open and the evil silently entered my bedroom. My alarm system, Trixie, cuddled deep under my covers was not making a sound. It silently entered my bedroom as I fell vulnerably into a deep sleep. In the morning, I stepped out of bed and put my naked foot down to feel the horror below. I tried to escape but it was everywhere. My feet were soon covered in the tell tale signs of a true Floridian – sand. (At least the screen kept out the sand spurs!)

  26. Liz M says:

    Incredible! How does she do it?? I’m going to sweep my floor right NOW so I can get my life changing analysis!!

  27. Tigersmom says:

    It’s a good thing you’ve stumbled upon this money making opportunity. I was beginning to think you have too much time on your hands if you’re studying floor dirt.

  28. jainegayer says:

    What were you drinking????? Reminds me of when Harry met Sally, “I want what she’s having.” You are too funny!!

  29. Have you thought of running for Prime Minister? We need a brilliant mind like yours in Ottawa….imagine the floor dirt you’d find there! An absolute gold mine. This will keep me grinning for at least a week.

  30. judy says:

    I am really really curious about your comedic writing ability which is more than considerable! Does it just roll off your brain and into your furiously typing fingers like spontaneous inspiration or is it subject to editing and improvement as you write? It is my lifelong aspiration to be funny or mildly amusing or not annoying if possible. I am not……..the first two and sadly am probably the last. Hey~ I got an idea A comedy kit on…………..How to be funny without clown feet a wig and red nose………..I tried the clown thing-nobody even noticed-although come to think of it they looked definitely annoyed. Help me Karen–pretend I’m a chicken and box up a kit on how to be as lovable and amusing as a live chicken-everybody loves dead chicken especially Fried.

  31. Benz says:

    you can see that she’s a gold diggar,
    but she talkin to a broke niggar…
    whiskey,tango,foxtrot.
    looking forward to my tea towel when I come see you at he grand opening all the way from Las Vegas. YAY.

  32. Dagmar says:

    Don’t foget to mention: ” Time is limited, so you must call now! And, of course you want the best and most accurate reading possible. If you call now, we also offer a limited amount of premium sweeper-helpers. These aren’t just any normal brooms, they will help bring the specs of your dirt together in one cohesive spirit world! And all you folks have to do is dial us, and we take over from there. Burn remember, our “dirt-reader” only has limited time, and can only work with the most prepared and most willing of you. So please show us how important this is to you, and call, anytime 24/7. Don’t let this once in a lifetime opportunity pass you.

    Wow, Karen, this BS just rolls off the tongue. Enjoy your millions and millions more (you know movie indorsements, toys, etc)

  33. Kristy says:

    Very clever. And don’t forget to mention that the client must spread their sweepings out so not only is each item visible, but they’re relation to each other becomes clear. A feather next to a screw is much more foreboding than a feather next to a tomato skin. The reading is only as accurate as the client’s ability to follow directions.

    You should also consider drastically reducing the price of your detox kit from $79.99 to $79.98 if they act quickly. People like free stuff AND time sensitive incentives. You know, push ’em around a little.

    How can I become a certified FDR’r?

  34. carol says:

    May I also suggest the time-honoured hook of accepting 3 easy (EZ) payments of ONLY $19.99. And how about some cross-marketing? In your ad, don’t call that a rhinestone, it’s a genuine Cubic Zirconia and surelyyou can find a Cheerio or two on your floor. Isn’t that a Sea Monkey lying next to the cat fur? I’m sure you could find companies that would give you a kick-back for appearing in your pile of floor sweepings. Yes, indeedy, I think your idea is excellent and you’ll soon be laughing all the way to the Money Mart!

  35. Nancy Blue Moon says:

    I never realized that you were a scientificy kinda lady person..if you need a sorting and packing and mailing kinda women..I’m here for ya kid…

  36. Sylvia says:

    I have to say Karen, your fans are equally as funny as you are. FDR … Great idea. I just got a new Dyson today. Really I did . Going to vacuum right now and see just dirty this house is. I may just go crazy.

  37. Grammy says:

    I have a five-month old puppy and a six-year-old grandson who are in and out of my house all the time (every day after school for the Kid). This past week there were two plumbers, an electrician and a couple of inspectors going in and out of my house (after crawling under and behind the house). I think about sweeping the kitchen floor, but then I just sit down and weep. Are there any prizes for the customer with the ickiest stuff?

  38. Darla says:

    You never fail to make me laugh! In our little town we have a “trash off” parade and a fashion show where all of the clothing is made from trash. So if you could branch out to sweeping the whole house and throw in a bag of trash you could actually start your own line of “recycled” clothing. Just get the ole glue gun out.

  39. Heather says:

    If I sign up before midnight can I get 2 for the price of one plus FREE SHIPPING? Maybe you should talk to those K-Tel people.

    You are always funny. Sometimes you are just that much funnier than normal. LOVED this.

  40. Barb says:

    Geez…even your floor sweepings are more interesting than mine! I’ll have to work on that! Thanks for giving me a new and kind of fun perspective on this daily task! Your mind works in wondrous ways! (Kind of scary, too! 😉

  41. Stephanie Hobson says:

    Dang, I was just fixing to request a personal Floor Dirt Reading for myself until I realized that I would have to sweep the floor myself! Very disappointed.

  42. Jennie Lee says:

    Sherlock Holmes could have used your idea to branch out from simply being a Consulting Detective. I highly recommend his monograph “Upon the Distinction Between the Ashes of the Various Tobaccos”.

    • Jan in Waterdown says:

      So how do you like Benedict Cumberbatch in the role? I think he’s brilliant & yummy!. Sorry for highjacking the post, I just had to ask!

      • Jennie Lee says:

        I have yet to hear anyone say he’s less than brilliant and yummy. However, since I don’t have TV, I have yet to see the show. I’ll undoubtedly get it on DVD one day. Right now, I’m finishing up “Ripper Street” and waiting impatiently for season 2 of “Penny Dreadful”. I just finished all of “Justified” and “Dexter”.

        • Jan in Waterdown says:

          I don’t recognize those shows except for Dexter, but then I am not very up to date. Are you in the UK? Loved Broadchurch (waay better then the American remake). Sherlock is availble here in Canada on dvd and bluray so you can probably get it. Cheers!

          • Jennie Lee says:

            I haven’t seen “Broadchurch”. I’ll look into it. “Ripper Street” lasted 3 seasons, and was detective stories set in Whitechapel , a few years after Jack the Ripper’s predations. “Justified” lasted 6 seasons, and was about a U.S Marshall in the part of Kentucky where my father was born. Both are very good. (Violent though, as you might expect.) If you like creepy, eerie stories set in Victorian England, “Penny Dreadful” is really amazing. I live in West Virginia, U.S.A. . Thanks for the info about DVDs of “Sherlock”. 🙂

  43. Helen Whaley says:

    I’m in! Just tell me where to send the money.
    Actually, do you do package deals? I’d like the floor of every room in my house analysed please. It’s so great to finally come upon someone who’ll tell the truth and not just take me for everything and give nothing in return. About time!

  44. Jeb says:

    The real cash cow here is that you wrote an entire post about the shit you swept off the floor. And we are reading it. And we love it. Well done.

  45. Becky Wade says:

    Karen – this is a brilliant idea. Since I haven’t swept my floors for a week, this just might be the ticket to get me in action. Maybe you could branch out and have dirty windows readings too. Just think of the business that service would bring in. Wow! The posibilities are just pouring out of my little pea brain. (Am I dating myself with that last reference? Somehow I think probably so…). Oh. Here’s another one. You could find out what and where your children have been doing when they borrow your car. It would work as well to check on your husband. But that is a whole another path most probably wouldn’t need or want to do. But you sure could charge more for that one! ?

  46. Sandra says:

    My dirt isn’t even loose anymore – I couldn’t send it to you if I tried. I’m NOT ripping up that hated tile! So, you’ll have to come here. Hurry, Calgary gets cold.

  47. ktr says:

    I have a toddler, an infant, 2 dogs and live in “mud country” so you’d have a great time analyzing what I sweep up. Some times I’m not even sure myself what it is.

  48. IRS says:

    I don’t sweep my floors, but every once in a while, when the couch starts to lift off the floor from the accumulated debris shoved under it, I get out the shovel, and pry out the empty vodka bottles that are responsible for most of the “couch lift”. I then finish off the job by using a leaf blower to remove anything else, living or dead, that is lodged underneath. Would the resulting pile qualify for your expert analysis? I have at least a half dozen of these piles, but they will need to be removed soon, as they are proving to be a tripping hazard on trips to the kitchen to get more vodka. I need to unchain one of the kids assembling fake iPhones in my basement, and have him deal with the piles, so please respond soon. Thanks.

  49. This is the best thing I’ve read in a long time! Just came across your blog via Pinterest and am looking forward to following along!

    • Karen says:

      Hey! Welcome to The Art of Doing Stuff. New posts on Mon, Wed and Fri. Unless I don’t feel like it in which case you’ll find me at home eating chips. ~ karen!

  50. Oh what the hell, sign me up too! I’m always late on these incredible offers, so I’ll pay double what ever the initial cost was.

  51. Violet says:

    You will seriously change the meaning of ‘dirt poor’.

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